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Since my bones are longer than the average human's, and my high school coach was good with bribes, I was given the opportunity to play basketball in one of the shittiest Division 1 programs in all of the college ranks. If that isn't a ringing endorsement for Colgate Raider hoops, I don't know what is.
While my university (and yes it is a university, we had one graduate program) did not share many things with other schools-namely the facts that we had 5% of the normal city population around the school, and 14000% the average snowfall-the basketball program did share many of the same characteristics as most college teams. We had an inordinate percentage of black players, especially in comparison to the racial demographic of the institute. We had a Joe Goebbels-like coach, who broke the practice rules set by the NCAA in order to prevent college basketball players from committing suicide. And we had to endure long road trips to undesirable locations over Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks, just so that we could lose in some horrible tournament, get yelled at, and have two practices the day after the holiday. But most importantly (Ok, maybe not MOST importantly, but pretty importantly) there were the locker rooms.
In my experiences, all college basketball locker rooms share a set of frighteningly common characteristics and I am here to share them with you the American public. Without further ado, I present the Anatomy of a College Basketball Locker Room.
Rule Number 1
There will be a foreign kid on the team and his locker will smell like ass. Undoubtedly, some young man from one of the Slavic countries will have been duped into attending college, when what he should have done is stayed in Europe and used the same years to earn hundreds of thousands of Dinar somewhere in Serbia. No matter how he got there, he is big, his last name is hard to pronounce, and his locker smells like hot garbage. The man seems to enjoy American shower freedom and his laundry is done just as much as everyone else's (rarely), but there is some genetic flaw (or phenomenon to the Sweaty Man-Loving Alliance�¿�also known as NAMBLA) that makes him sweat 30 times more than even the fattest of the fat asses, and makes that sweat overflowingly abundant with stink molecules, ready to attach themselves to anything that walks by.
Rule Number 2
If the trainer is female, someone will bang her by the end of the year. The training staff has an interesting relationship with the basketball team. They are forced to be there for all of the shittily timed practices, long road trips, and extensive vacation-skipping. So what happens is that an odd bond between trainer and team starts to form. Usually, this trainer is female. Which is a mistake by the administration. By the end of the year, this young lady will succumb to the advances of one lucky team member. In my case, it was my roommate who seduced our fair trainer and ended up plowing her in the front seat of her Toyota Camry in the parking lot of the student union. Way to go roommate.
Rule Number 3
The white players are 60% less likely to shower when their black teammates are around. Obviously.
you can imagine the resemblance
Rule Number 4
The most important topic of discussion in the locker room is when and in what quantity conditioning would take place. At my school, there was the dreaded "17", a conditioning technique of mythical proportions. And so, before practice, all of my teammates and I would try to figure out when the 17 would happen, and then discern at which point in practice it would behoove us to fake cardiac arrest. Our entire lives revolved around the 17. When we did figure out the 17 status, from the unpaid assistant coach or a member of the training staff, the news spread like wildfire. This was because we needed to figure out some charitable soul to go last in the drill preceding the 17. Because if one of the fat asses was not well-rested going into the 17, and then didn't make the time, we all had to do it over. So it was best for one of the fastest members to risk complete lung collapse and take one for the proverbial and literal team.
Rule Number 5
The foreign kid will also get made fun of for his uncircumcised penis-poor foreign kid. While penis-envy is certainly a common feeling in the locker room, penis-disenvy is also sometimes evident. In this case, the foreign player probably disembarked from his flight from Prague without the slightest hint that he would be ridiculed relentlessly by the state of his johnson. He probably even felt that this area would be one of the more normal parts of his anatomy. But much to his chagrin, he received the nickname "headless horseman" about three days into his campaign and has been haunted by it ever since.
Rule Number 6
The kids that went to prep school will probably try to pee on one another in the shower. This is hard to explain. I guess those prep school players are a different breed-too many hours playing soggy biscuit or ookie cookie. For some reason, they find it funny to try to urinate on each other and anyone else that gets in the way. And, well, I guess they are right; it is funny, as long as I am not the one getting urea on my leg.
Rule Number 7
The unpaid assistant will try to be your friend. But don't let him, because he is a lonely unpaid assistant and by definition he cannot be cool.
Rule Number 8
The television will be tuned to BET at all times. It doesn't matter if there are no black players in the room, it doesn't even matter if there are any humans in the room, the television is ALWAYS on BET. If you turn it off when you leave, when you come back you will be watching an episode of "108 & Park." If you change the channel, somehow the dial will return to that R Kelly video when you aren't paying attention. I think it is magic-some sort of locker room curse. Which is a shame, because BET is terrible.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 12/13/2006 9:56:18 AM
1) I went to an all-dude Catholic High School and played water polo. When I was a JV scrub sometimes I would be in the pool by the wall waiting for a drill to start. Inevitably a varsity dude would stand over me on the pool deck and piss on my head. Out of some sick natural reaction I would have to look up to see what it was and catch some in the face. Why am I telling you people this?
2) I had a bunch of friends that played rugby in college and they always made sure that someone was banging the female trainer or working on banging the female trainer.
That might be the gayest statement ever made on TPP. At least you redeemed yourself by telling us that they were giving you golden showers after.... ass clown
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 12/13/2006 11:33:08 AM
pickup "hoops" with a young cosmo kramer when i was a freshman at the illustrious GAS U. in retrospect i could have saved jamie fox a lot of manhunt hours by not introducing the krame to the basketball team captain, an even younger r. kelly...back then he went by the name "Pissin' Sylverster K". in his excitement over meeting the famous cosmonaut, kelly urinated all over kramer's shoes. krame said it was cool, but you could see in his eyes that he wanted to build a time machine and drop Pissin' Syl-K off in 1680's Jamestown. sad affair.
I can attest to this as well. I had a Junior that would piss on my leg in the shower when I was on a D-2 team as a freshman. (Why am I telling you people I was on a D-2 team?) Unfortunately for him he frequently left his locker open during practice. After he had to go home with soggy, pissed-on street clothes one night, it never happened again.
Fat mamas, keep your kids away from prep school...
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Post #: 9
Posts: 4 Rank: 230 Joined:
12/11/2006
Location:
Tinseltown, CA
Posted: 12/13/2006 11:51:57 AM
Something must happen during "lights out" time that turns prep schoolers into latent homosexuals for the ensuing decade.
If BET was on 24/7 in the locker room, then I guess the incessant barrage of "Your momma" jokes are still quite common as well. Or, have today's basketball kids moved on from this ritual?
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