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My favorite holiday, Halloween (or as they call it in Ireland, Pookie Night—wtf?), is quickly approaching. And in order to get a jump on the better writers that will write more articulate Halloween articles, I will act as Walmart in getting my Tootsie Rolls and candy corn (this article) on the shelves (on the internet) in August (early October) well before my competing stores (better writers) can set out their Snickers bars and Sour Patch Kids (better articles). Got that?
I am faced with a social conundrum this year. Usually I partake in All Hallows’ Eve festivities with my two older brothers, with whom I currently reside. But this year, both brothers will inexplicably be in Minnesota—the land of polar bears and white people (so I assume—I try not to visit the tundra)—one in training camp with the Minnesota Timberwolves (Paul Shirley, #TBA in your program) and the other on a pulmonary rotation for medical school at the Mayo Clinic (yes I have the title of “Shirley least favorite son” on lockdown for several years).
Here’s a paragraph you won’t care about but explains why I am faced with such a Halloween predicament: I am a Kansas City transplant, having grown up near Topeka and gone to college in upstate New York. This means two things: 1) I don’t have a dumpster piled full of friends in the Kansas City area at my disposal and 2) I have led a geographically odd life. The friends that I do have around town are entrenched in stupid things like ‘marriage’ and ‘child-rearing’ and are of little use to me.
And so I am forced to weigh my Halloween options…publicly of course.
Option #1: Try to throw a party.
I could, starting this afternoon, call everyone in my phonebook and see if they want to come to my Halloween bash.
Pro: I would have the license to lure girls to my bedroom for ‘costume repairs’. Con: There won’t be any girls. More likely, it will be me and 2 drunken Luigis against an Oompa-Loompa, Napoleon Dynamite, and Officer Rod Farva from Super Troopers in a never-ending game of beer pong.
Option #2: Attend little brother’s Halloween party.
I have another brother who is a junior in high school, I could head home and engage in Halloween-y debauchery with him and his cronies.
Ethnically Diverse Luigi
Pro: I achieve automatic coolness for being of legal age to supply cold beverages. Con: While I might be cool to them, I won’t be cool to myself.
Option #3: Let the spirit of Halloween wash over me.
Perhaps I don’t need anyone else—maybe I can enjoy the season by myself, all alone.
Pro: I can appease the Halloween gods and allow myself to be brought into favor by focusing on the holiday and what it means to me. Con: The reflection in the sliding glass window of a disheveled hobo, top-hat on his lap and his fake mustache askew, sitting on the couch eating Wheatables and watching Hocus Pocus might be enough to get me to kill myself.
Option #4: Head to the ghettos of Missouri and help out with a Safe Trick-or-Treating zone—an environment where worried parents can bring their mini ghosts and pint-sized witches so that they can trick-or-treat without a worry about razorblades in their candy apples or PCP in their Fun Dip. (Why don’t people give out Fun Dip, that would be awesome. Or Big League Chew, I would have killed for some BLC when I was 8, in the stead one of those goddamn popcorn balls*)
Let’s get serious, I would never do this. Option #3 is much more likely.
Option #5: Trick-or-Treat.
Girls dress as slutty ____ (nurses/cops/washing machines) or sometimes they just dress up as sluts
Pro: I would certainly be blazing a trail with this one. I don’t know that any 24 year-old has ever gotten dressed up and gone out to trick-or-treat, alone. Plus if the other kids start making fun of me, I can start terrorizing them—making them pay candy-tolls and snapping the rubber bands that hold on their Batman masks. Con: Do I really want to be like Jay and Ice from Hocus Pocus? (There is a reason I keep referencing Hocus Pocus, and that reason is because it is the best Halloween movie ever made. Bette Midler gives a stirring performance.) It seems that this kind of behavior is on par with a solo trip to the local tavern sporting an "FBI: Female Body Inspector" T-shirt. Unenviable.
The Conclusion: I will have to let you know—all of these options are stellar (where x=13 and stellar=depressing). Or perhaps I will enter a random costume contest dressed as Santa Claus or a pilgrim, see if I can confuse the judges into proclaiming me the winner or throw 'free handjob' coupons at them and hope for the best . It will have to be a game time decision.
*What are popcorn balls anyway? I contend that they are popcorn kernels held together by sailor semen.
No, we don't. Is this a reference I don't get or something? Someone tell me I'm an idiot, quickly.
name withheld
Is it holiday season already?
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Posted: 10/20/2006 12:00:37 PM
Kenny, you're an idiot.
Matt, call me re: option three.
D Nutz
Costume Contest
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Posted: 10/23/2006 1:34:20 AM
HA!! I'll head out with ya and dress up like Abe Lincoln and hand out "free golden shower" coupons!!!
Tom A
Solid Effort
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Posted: 10/23/2006 12:10:11 PM
Our (Minnesotans') slogan - "30-below keeps the riff-raff out" - appears to be working quite well.
Last Pic Caption:
Elvira and Tom A found each of these costumes (with the possible exception of the cop) lacking a critical component.
Spock Jenkins
WHERE ALL DA WHITE WOMEN AT?
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Posted: 10/23/2006 1:01:22 PM
Let me get this straight - you have previously lived in such brotha hotbeds as "upstate New York" and "Topeka, Kansas", yet you fee entitled to take a dig at Minneapolis for its lack of color?
Your comment is as stupid as your article.
NN
As much fun as it sounds...
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Posted: 10/23/2006 1:49:20 PM
at least you can have some sweet Halloween fun with one brother. Looks like the T-Wolves don't want him so he'll be home after all. I'm sure you two will have a great time.
H
master of the universe
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Posted: 10/23/2006 3:22:17 PM
You're not an idiot and Hocus Pocus IS the best Halloween movie EVER.
Christine
Apparently
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Posted: 10/23/2006 4:58:19 PM
I like work now or something. I have been back and forth from court like 50 times and I am wear 4 inch heels like an asshole. Also. I did not get to read this until just now. I don't know how I missed this last week, but now that tpp only appears to post one new article a week, I got to read it today, at 4:52. that is how fucking busy I am.
anyway, I loved the article. I love any article where the author just talks about himself. its so refreshing to know other people are just as fucked up. My brothers, me, and some others are going as the cast of The Big Lebowski. I am Maude of course. We still need a Bunny and a Donnie. Let me know if you are interested. There are thousand of parties to go in Philly. There are lots of black people here too, so you will get to see new and different things. Some of the bars that host the parties her pretty serious. some of the costumes are insane. my friend Tommy went as an entire vagina last year that he sculpted and painted. It should go in a museum.
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