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The National Basketball Association preseason is an interesting beast. Replace the word ‘interesting’ with ‘mind-numbingly tedious and basically devoid of fun’, and the previous sentence is magically transformed from a lie into a truth.
On Friday October 13th, I found myself in Omaha, Nebraska at one such preseason fixture, pitting the Minnesota Timberwolves against the Detroit Pistons. I have no idea why the game was in Omaha (my guess is that the Wolves are trying to tap into the market of corn-fed white people), but I was there because I was promised whores and coke and whores who whored for coke.
No, the real reason is that my brother Paul plays for the Timberwolves, and sometimes I agree to attend events before I think about what will actually occur at said event.
Here’s how it went down:
1st Quarter: 7:05 to 7:45 CST
Firmly planted in our seats in the 4th row (which turned out to be a curse in disguise—I couldn’t not pay attention to the game), my mother, brother Tom and I watch as the two teams go back and forth in an evenly-matched quarter that draws to a close tied at 29. And no one cares.
Tom and I try to gain Paul’s attention during timeouts so that we can flip him off. Success rate: 20%.
I am thoroughly embarrassed as a gaggle of black junior high kids that are sitting behind me and my mother drop numerous ‘mufuckers’ as they attempt to make fun of each other in poorly drawn out and executed jokes. This crew doesn’t actually have seats down here, they just jump from vacancy to vacancy, like Kramer during his seat-filler job at the Tonys (episode #156)—undaunted even after the 13th time of seat-dislocation.
2nd Quarter: 7:45 to 8:35 CST
Still in good spirits, Tom and I root for our new favorite player, Marko Jaric, to remove that pesky warm-up and work up some ballsweat on the court. In the meantime, we amuse ourselves by adapting Borat’s trailer quote “Please, you come see my film. If it not success, I will be execute” to Marko’s position (Please, you let me in game. If I not shoot hoop, I will be execute). Jaric isn’t from Kazakhstan, but close enough.
Close enough
To our glee, Marko checks in halfway through the 2nd quarter, only to receive a face full of Flip Murray’s testicles during his posterization. If this were an And1 game, all of the black guys would strip poor Marko of his jersey and shorts and throw them into the stands and he would be relegated to standing on the sidelines holding an “I love Flip” poster in his Serbian and Montenegran-fabricated underpants. At this point I don’t think Mr. Jaric would mind, as it looks, as if he just got up from a nap anyway (I think he always looks that way).
Halftime: 8:35 to 9:00 CST
Some asshole just proposed to his girlfriend at halftime of the Minnesota v. Detroit preseason game in Omaha, Nebraska. He is saying, “Honey, I am really stupid but I am hoping that you are even stupider and don’t realize how much of a half-assed proposition this is.” This marriage has success written all over it.
3rd Quarter: 9:00 to 9:25 CST
I could have performed a congenital diaphragmatic hernia repair during halftime. Detroit has come back and pulled slightly ahead. And still no one cares.
The 3rd quarter is the worst. Tom and I try to figure out who we know in Omaha that can hook us up with a hatchet. We need one ASAP so that we can take the butt end to the cervical column (her spine, not her lady parts) of the drunken woman in front of us. She keeps dancing. I think a broken spine might solve that.
I am pretty sure that Paul and I are doing the same thing—trying to gain eye contact with the hot photographer girl on the right baseline. I think he has a better shot at her, him being a professional basketball player and all.
4th Quarter: 9:25 to 10:10 CST
The game is close and yet the crowd is slumbering because again, nobody gives a shit. They do come alive when the PA announcer tells them to or a when a big sign on the scoreboard reads “LOUD!” These dumbshits think to themselves, “Get loud? What a great idea! I will get loud because they tell me too!” These are the same people that laugh uncontrollable when the Timberwolves mascot comes running out and fucks with the security guard—it’s like they have never seen anything truly funny in their entire lives.
A hatchet
The game ends unceremoniously. Detroit wins 101-96.
Overtime (not really)
I am pretty sure that the ride up from Kansas City to Omaha was more interesting than the game, and that consisted of pavement and cornfields. The game was a lot like a 3-hour class, except the retards around me actually had permission to speak and I didn’t have a notebook on which I could doodle dinosaurs and spaceships. The good news is that at least I am not the Creighton basketball team, who got to sit through that shitshow known as a basketball competition AND get to have their first practice of the year starting at 11:30 on a Friday night. Kill yourselves.
I don't watch basketball mainly because they don't have good commentators except for maybe Bill Walton. Can you imagine how popular basketball would be if Joe Buck did the games? LOL. Everyone would watch then.
deuce
no offense to mr. shirley
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Posted: 10/23/2006 1:10:24 PM
but only 1 new article today and its about the NBA??? if it was going to be sports, i would have bet my right arm that lamovsky would be tongue-polishing the heisman trophy while they engrave troy smith's name on it... or at least write an article about it.
Spock Jenkins
YOU'RE WHITE TOO!
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Posted: 10/23/2006 1:38:30 PM
More slammin' on Whitey, huh? I've seen a picture of your brother (Mr. "11 teams in 4 years" Shirley), and unless you were adopted - YOU'RE WHITE TOO!
Maybe you're one of those clowns who wears the pants around your ankles and thinks he can freestyle-rap. Doesn't change your complexion, though, Holmes.
ms
i think
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Posted: 10/23/2006 2:20:41 PM
i think that phatphree is having a problem with their site, which is why there is only 1 new article today and why this article is devoid of photos. it wasnt supposed to be this way, i had some sweet borat/marko pictures.
spock - i dont understand your complaints.
Tom A
First Pic Caption
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Posted: 10/23/2006 3:45:17 PM
"Not Pictured."
Tom A
Damnit
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Posted: 10/23/2006 3:48:06 PM
That was supposed to be:
"Not Pictured - Picture."
Damn work phone calls...
P.S. Hey- how often do you bust out the Airplane line: "I'm dead serious. And don't call me Shirley" ?
I'mRickJamesBitch
Go back
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Posted: 10/23/2006 4:11:28 PM
to the part about the whores and coke again.
P.S. Actually I'd like you to submit more articles about following Paul and the T-Wolves. Coke and Whores?
You'reAPompousFag
I Need a Hatchet, too
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Posted: 10/23/2006 5:06:50 PM
-Your articles- are so "mind-numbingly tedious and basically devoid of fun", you f-ing jackass. kill yourself.
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