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Survivor integrated
Survivor is a show for old white people. I know this because it is on CBS and every show on this network is for old white people. This year, the show aims to entertain these old white people by pitting four different racial groups in contests of strength, wit, and endurance. A more contrived and awkward spectacle I cannot think of. I am so excited.
This is how Survivor works: … on second thought, I am not going to explain the premise. If you don’t know how Survivor works then you are a) A Hungarian immigrant with no television (in which case it stands to reason that you wouldn’t be reading this) b) retarded or c) all of the above. Those retarded Hungarians ruin it for everyone.
I have very few shows that I watch on a regular basis. I do not sit at home on Sunday night eagerly awaiting the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I have a three-pronged rating scale I give all television: A) not bad B) sucks my balls C) I can’t believe this is on TV. Grey’s Anatomy certainly fits nicely into the “it sucks Matt’s balls” category. An example of group C would be According to Jim. A friend of ours was supposed to make an appearance on this show and so I had the revolting experience of actually visually and auditorially experiencing an episode. My brain had no idea what to do with this information, so I blacked out, threw up, and then blacked out again. Comedy is a dish best served James Belushi-less. Even though Survivor isn’t “good” in an artistic sense, it is entertaining (especially when people fall down). With the new racially charged tweaks in place, I expect it to be the best season ever.
As you probably know, everyone involved in this new Survivor having been catching shit about the racial overtones of the show. Some say that it only perpetuates stereotypes and if it doesn’t perpetuate stereotypes then the social experiment that is the racial divide would be innately unsuccessful. In order to further delve into this problem of stereotyping, I had the opportunity to sit down with recent Football Hall of Fame inductee and one of the foremost authorities on all things regarding race, Reggie White’s Ghost.
Matt: Mr. White, nice to meet you. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to me.
Reggie White’s Ghost: You are quite welcome. Are you Jewish?
No, Reggie, please put the dreidel away. Shall we get started?
Yes, let’s.
As you know, I wanted to talk to you about the television show Survivor and all of the controversy surrounding the new racial divides. Any initial thoughts?
Ah yes, Survivor, or as I like to call it The Most Amazing Race.
Very clever, Reggie White.
Thanks.
So what do you think will happen this season?
Well, let me break it down for you into tribes. Then I can tell you how each tribe will act throughout the contest.
Very well, have at it.
I am not good at remembering the tribe names, so instead I just call them by a random tribal color. First, there is The Yellow Team. It consists of Asian Americans.
Let me stop you right there. The Yellow Team is Asian Americans? That is a little insensitive, don’t you think?
What are you talking about? It is just a random assignment. Anyway, it would be logical to pick someone from the Yellow Team as the clear favorite in taking home the million dollars. This is of course because, due to their incredible work ethic and above average schooling, they are much smarter than everyone else. By the end of the show, the Asian camp has a fully functioning telescope and the first-ever fishing submarine. They work 14 hours a day and have enough firewood and drinking water to supply the entire Vietcong. They never complain about the food and lodgings because they are so nice and polite. Plus, all you ever get to eat on Survivor is rice—and what kind of Yellow Team member doesn’t like rice? These things all lead to easy victories in brain-related challenges. But they run into problems with the contests that involve brute strength and physical superiority. The average height of the Yellow Team is 5’1” and the average vertical leap is somewhere around 12 inches. And so the physical challenges will look somewhat like reruns of the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge that involve the dreaded ‘Rotating Surfboard of Death’ stunt. They will have to rely on their guile and shiftiness to make up where God has neglected them.
Whoa, Reggie White, I am appalled at your blatant generalizations and projections about the Asian American team. I thought you were supposed to preach understanding and equality—a kind of Smokey the Bear of race relations.
Jeff Probst: host and ecstatic judge/subject of blowjob races
Oh no, you are confused. Let me continue. The second team is The White Team.
Let me guess, White Team = white people.
Bingo. Within the first 15 minutes, a member of the White Team will call a member of the Yellow Team an “Oriental”. The Yellow Team member will be offended and undoubtedly retort with the ole’ ‘Do I look like a rug?’ comeback. This will confuse the honkey because he is from Alabama and has never heard of an Oriental rug. He will assume that the Yellow Team member is questioning his manliness and resort to using disparaging terms of offensive racial slang against the Yellow Team for the rest of the show. This is the same guy that brought the rebel flag as his one item from home and has the idea of fashioning a trailer out of bamboo and painting the number 3 on the side—in honor of his favorite NASCAR driver.
Not all white people like NASCAR. I don’t like NASCAR.
You didn’t let me finish. There will be much arguing in the White camp, since everyone will be used to being in charge, or being 'The Man'. The biggest arguments will be between the 20-year-old pothead that brought his skateboard as his one item from home (even though it is really hard to ride on sand), the 62-year-old retired Marine that still sports the flattop, and the 27-year-old WASPy girl, who is utterly useless except for in the ‘blowjob races’ challenge, where she and the gay kid from Seattle finished first and second.
Blowjob races? I don’t think that is a real challenge.
Perhaps the most interesting member of the white team is the faux-cowboy who constantly wears cut-off t-shirts and his cowboy hat, but is actually from New Hampshire and listens to Nickelback all of the time. The White Team will do well at the physical challenges (except the dancing challenge of course—the two-step is for people with no rhythm), but will have trouble at camp and especially in challenges that necessitates any sort of progressive thinking.
I can’t wait to hear what racist shit you have to say about the final two teams.
The Brown Team is made up of Latino-Americans.
The randomness of your team selection should be looked into.
Shut up. The Brown Team’s camp is magnificent, because at night they have taken turns robbing the White Team and the Yellow Team. They tried a raid on Black Team camp, but found that there was nothing there worth stealing.
Jesus Christ, you are a dick.
The heat and the physical challenges do not bother the Brown Team—they are all very used to manual labor. They do, however, encounter problems with the mental challenges, because only two members of the squad speak English. One of the members of the Brown Team wins a car near the end of the show because he could stand on a post in the water much longer than any other contestant—22 hours in total. The car was on blocks in the front yard 3 days later.
I think I am going to have to cut this interview short, you are nothing but a bigot.
Where are you going? Do you have a tractor pull to attend? Or maybe you need to get back to your accounting job?
I am not Jewish, you douche.
The Black Team is comprised of black people. The Black Team will excel at the dancing challenges and any challenge that involves eating. They all have background in gizzard and collard greens eating—so cow brains and sheep scrotum is nothing. Throughout the time on the island, many of the Black Team members can be found singing at the top of their lungs—all of these individuals think that they will become famous vocalists. The Black Team will have little problem with the challenge aspect of the game, except for the swimming challenges—the Black Team can’t swim for shit. The difficulties begin in camp, in between challenges. No one on the black team is willing to work and so nothing gets done. They end up sleeping on the beach in makeshift sleeping bags and eating all of their rations within the first 72 hours. It takes them 14 days to get a fire started and soon after arriving, fights break out about work detail—the heat and the hunger starting to take their toll on the members of the Black Team.
This is from when they only allowed white people
Are we done now? This isn’t helping one bit.
Not quite, I have to pick a winner. In a stunning upset, a member of the Brown Team outwits, outplays, and outlasts a young man from the Yellow Team. The Black Team riots and the White Team proceeds to tax the shit out of everyone involved…and then declare war on them.
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