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The Situation: You and your girlfriend have been dating for a few years and everything seems to be going just swell. Then suddenly she tells you that she needs some time and space to figure things out because she doesn’t know how she feels. You find out later that this “time” is time enough to blow half of your fraternity, and the “space” is usually the middle stall of the bathroom on the 3rd floor. You tell her to go to hell, and that you think that you should break up, but when she starts to go along with the idea you start to grovel and beg to start anew. You tell her that things will change and that she is under a lot of stress with school. She says that she needs some more time to think, but eventually she caves and takes you back (even though you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place). A week later you return to your room to find an instant message from your girlfriend telling you that your relationship is over and that she doesn’t want to see again. You cry for three days, getting out of bed only to eat and shit, because she is the only girl that you have ever loved.You tell all of your friends that it was a mutual breakup, but they can see right through your bullshit and know from the dried tears on your sweatpants that she canned you.
It has now been two months, and you are having a few problems a.) getting over your ex and b.) finding anyone to have sex with you. You are getting desperate for some rebound action and decide that you should take on a charity case.
A charity case, for those of you who don’t know, is taking on a love interest that is obviously not at all in your league. It's kind of like if Chris Webber decided to do a stint with the Arkansas RimRockers of the NBDL just to get his points-per-game up. You have decided to take on one of these cases because a.) you want to do some pro-bono work for some lucky girl (you vagina-philanthropist, you) and b.) are desperate to see any human that sports fallopian tubes, naked.
On the surface, a charity case seems like a great idea. You think that this person obviously understands that she is overachieving and will worship you as her new God. She won’t nag you and won’t call you to ask where you are on a Wednesday night. You can go to her house whenever you want for a back rub, to steal some Swiss Cake Rolls, or some meaningless sex, with no strings attached! A flawless plan.
You shall recieve the Heisman at some point
But it doesn’t quite work out like that. You meet a girl at a bar, with whom you previously would never have had any contact, and talk her up for an entire evening. You think that tonight will be the end of your drought, but when the house lights come on, she drops a few hints that you should go out sometime and you reluctantly give up for that night, thinking that you will have to put in a little more work and at least ten American dollars to get any action, but at this point you feel that it is worth it to touch a boobie. You get her number and call her that weekend to set up a date. You go out to eat, and since this is the first time you have talked to her whilst sober, you realize that this girl is fucking boring. The dinner slogs on, but when she agrees to come to your house for a few drinks, your spirits lift—a glimmer of hope prolongs the proceedings.
Back to your room, you open a few Bud Lights and sit on the couch. After some meaningless conversation, you do a little making out but can’t seem to get in the right position to make the move. The romantic moment (and when I say ‘romantic moment’, I mean the period of time where you try to clandestinely undo her bra) passes and now you are back to watching an old episode of "Seinfeld"—ironically, the episode where Jerry explains that he can’t make a move to his right. You are racking your brains for a way to make this happen right now, so you ask her if she wants to stay the night since she drove to your place and has been drinking since. Brilliant! There is no way she can drive home, and you have cleverly skewed the situation to make you look more like Captain America and less like Eddie the molester. But you are aghast when she subtly replies with a shy grin: “No, not on the first date honey”. Motherfucker. She leaves, but not after you have agreed to seeing her again, because you are in too deep to give up now.
This is how it ends
The next week you keep in touch and hint that you should get together again the next weekend. In your mind, intercourse is as good as planned, and you will soon be re-de-virginized. There is no way she can turn you down again. The coach for the RimRockers wouldn’t tell Chris Webber to go back to Philly—the same as some petty crook from Kansas City wouldn’t tell Johnny Cochran to go fuck himself if he offered to take on said crook’s case. You call her on Friday afternoon and leave her a message to call you back. Then you text her at 9 asking her if she got your message. Waiting ensues. It is 11 pm on Friday night and you finally realize that you have been shit on by your charity case. You can’t even get an ugly boring girl to call you back. You are pathetic. Suicidal thoughts start to enter the mind, but you decide to drink yourself to sleep on this night.
The next day you turn on your phone and a text is awaiting you from the charity case, saying that she is sorry but she didn’t have her phone with her the whole night. You tell her “fuck you, you missed your chance” in your mind, but only say “well if you want to get together ever again set something up” in the text—that will show her. The next week drags on with no correspondence. Finally, you think of a lame question to ask her via email, subtly inquire as to what she is doing the upcoming weekend and divulge that you don’t have any big plans. She says that on Saturday, she is going to a bar with some of her friends for a birthday party, but you can’t tell if she is inviting you or just giving you the info. You email her back and tell her to give you a call if she wants company. She writes, “that sounds good!”, and your hopes are renewed. But unknowingly, your goals have changed; you no longer aspire to have any sort of sex, you just want to make out again—the bottom is falling out of all of your standards and all of your expectations.
Saturday rolls around and again you are anxiously awaiting the sound of your ring. It’s now 10, now 11, and still nothing. Finally at 11:15, your phone rings. The sound of digitally remastered Kanye West has never sounded so sweet. You catch your phone after 1/6 of a ring and flip it open. “Mom” is the only word you see. You remember that your mother was at an office party with her new boyfriend and this was probably her drunk-dialing you. Now you are less cool than your own mother, and a girl you don’t even like and isn’t even hot has used you as a toilet twice now. So your only option is to get out your calculator to figure out if the water pipe in the ceiling of your room will support your weight when you jump off a chair with a belt around your neck. Charity cases are great.
I just got torn to shreds by a maneater last week and I can already see myself about to go this route you're talking about. I almost fell over laughing. Thanks! Much needed. Keep up the good work.
ineffable
Good Shit
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Posted: 5/15/2006 8:22:44 AM
Maybe in not so much detail, but we've all been their. Raise a toast, for those who've lost to a charity case.
I've gotta say, pretty damn funny man. This is like your second article, and i can already tell you're great. keep it up man!
Ringworm
Four Horn Salute
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Posted: 5/15/2006 9:52:27 AM
you know it's cool cuz it's true.
Tom A
This Was Kind of Funny
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Posted: 5/15/2006 10:26:56 AM
But it didn't go at all where I thought it was headed. I thought this would be the deal where you nail her for a few weeks and then you realize that you are going to have to get rid of her somehow. Couldn't relate to this scenario.
If this is at all reality-based, you are a loser (fairly funny, though).
Provo
Great job...
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Posted: 5/15/2006 10:46:50 AM
Good article, fairly relatable.
I recall a perfect example of this. Broke up with a chica about a year ago (which on a side note I thought I was completely over, but I came across her MySpace page last weekend and reflexively began to binge drink Sat. night....). Anyhow, about a month after, I had this chic give me her number at a bar and emphasized greatly that I call her...I was drunk, so I took the number and convinced myself she was "cute" for a girl a little "thicker" than I normally date. Sure enough I called her....things proceeded as in your article - to a Tee, except I realized my error when I noticed that I never hung out w/ this girl sober, I was ALWAYS drinking....when I realized this, I decided not to nail her, but hung around long enough for the BJ and never callled her again....I don't MEAN to be a dick, but sometimes it just happens.
ps. NEVER let a charity case bring you down....WORST feeling EVER!!!
Chad
sdf
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Posted: 5/15/2006 11:36:56 AM
hahaha its funny because its true, the pain of getting turned down by a 4 burns oh so deep.
Christine
I gave this article a 5
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Posted: 5/15/2006 11:38:51 AM
only because in retrospect, you were kinda the charity case. I feel really bad for you. I hope this isn't autobiographical.
Provo, watch out for karma man, watch out.
These are the types of articles I should not read on this site because it makes me hate all of you boys. You are all normal and funny one minute and then you become evil, horrible assholes. On the plus side, I do feel prepared for anything. On the other hand, I will probably start asking "hey, am i fucking charity case???"
Max
AFC: average frustrated chump
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Posted: 5/15/2006 12:08:04 PM
The protagonist in this article (actually the reader, since it was in the second person) makes every single wrong move; painful. Obviously, that was the intent, and pretty well realized.
When you're getting somewhere with a hot girl, your self esteem is high; and if it doesn't work out, at least you tried. The whole mentality of "charity case" sets you up for failure. Swing for the fences, boys, while you still can swing -- bunting is a bitch move, even if you come around to score.
Max
also, the first photo
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Posted: 5/15/2006 12:09:14 PM
Would have been great with a caption like "So, do you want to go out for drinks sometime?"
Provo
I am already karma's Bitch
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Posted: 5/15/2006 12:31:06 PM
Christine...no, you are absolutely right. Like I said at the end of the article...I don't MEAN to be a dick....it just happens. I didnt plan on this whole "charity" case...it just happened. AND, like I said, karma has already bent me over and had its way with me, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. If you saw, I was quite honest in my story....this chica and I split over a year ago, and apparently it still bothers me....
ps. Im prob going to hell anyway so I figure I might as well make it count....
pps. If you ever get the feeling YOU may be a "charity case" just flip a bitch and drop it.....like I said in my earlier post "worst feeling EVER when what you think is a charity case burns you"...burns worse than a case of the clap...
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