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In order to establish the theoretical background for female Halloween sluttage, I sat down with a local sorority girl for a fireside chat to get an introspective view of the intricacies of a slut’s Halloween.
Matt: Hi. Nice of you to meet with me.
(Handshakes exchanged)
Aschleigh: Nice to meet you too!
That’s not really what I meant, but okay. Let’s get started, shall we?
Yeah!
It says here that your name is Aschleigh. So were your parents Turkish or retarded?
I don’t get it!
Nevermind. What are you going to be for Halloween?
I am going to be a CEO of a major company!
Oh, okay, that is wholesome. So you are going to wear a business suit—some slacks, a blouse and a jacket and maybe some eyeglasses then?
Hell no! Do I look like a 5th grader?! I am wearing a bra, a skirt and some high heels!
How exactly does that make you a CEO?
I am going to be carrying a briefcase of course!
Right. Of course. And what are your friends dressing as?
Kelsee’s going to be a slutty nurse, Ashley’s a slutty cop, Britni’s a slutty cowgirl, and Ashlee’s a slutty prostitute!
Aren’t prostitutes naturally slutty?
Yeah, but she is going to be REALLY slutty!
Enchanting. What are the differences between all of your friends’ costumes?
That’s a silly question mister! Kelsee’s going to wear a bra, some shorts and a nurse’s hat! Ashley’s going to wear a bra, some shorts, and a policeman’s hat! And Britni’s going to wear a bra, some shorts, and a cowboy hat!
So the hat is really what makes the costume for you all.
Right!
What about the prostitute? Ashlee number 3?
She’s going to wear a bra, and some shorts, plus she is going to act like she has syphilis, a meth habit, and an incredibly flappy vagina!
Spot on. Why don’t you just go dressed as slutty…sluts. Then you don’t have to worry about the hats.
What a great idea!
You’re welcome. Let me stop you for a second, I can’t help but notice that you are speaking in all exclamations. What is that about?
I am?!?
Your parents should be so proud of you
Yes, you are. Which is weird because I only exclaim when absolutely necessary—like when old lady Duncan is hassling me to come over to her house and rub her arthritic spine, and I say “Fuck you granny!” and run away, fast like the wind.
I don’t get it!
Nevermind. What kind of plans are in place for Halloween?
What kind of plans are in place for Halloween?!?
What, are we playing the repeater?
What?
What happened to your exclamation?
Oh sorry…what?!?
Now it seems you are channeling Lil’ Jon…or is it Dave Chappelle doing Lil’ Jon? Because I prefer Chappelle’s version.
What?!
Nevermind, let’s move on.
Okay!
Exactly. Anyway, what are you doing for Halloween?
My sorority is having a bash! You should come!
I’m there. What will happen?
My girls and I will get really drunk! And then we will make out and lift up each other’s skirts to try to get guys’ attentions! Then when the guys come over and try to touch us, we will slap their faces and call them assholes for treating us like sluts!
But you are a slut.
No I’m not, I am just dressing like one for Halloween!
I am confused. If you don’t want to be treated like you are a streetwalker, then why not dress like Janet Reno or Grimace from the McDonaldland gang?
Because Halloween is the one time of the year where we have an excuse to dress like a slut!
But why?
Because! Deep down all girls want to dress sluttily every day! But they don’t because they know that the other girls will ridicule them! So then, in order to exercise our innate harlotry, we have all agreed that it is okay to dress like skanks on Halloween and act like they are costumes!
That is a surprisingly well-articulated argument. But I don’t think baby Jesus died on the cross so you could walk around dressed like a whore, even if it is under the guise of a golfer or nurse or astronaut or tax attorney.
I think that’s Christmas!
Oh yeah. But still, have some respect; as a representative for the male species I feel it my duty to inform you that we can only deal with so much sluttery.
Really?
Q: How much fun was it to find these pictures? A: Really fun
last pic & caption is far and away the best ever posted on the site. nice job with that.
and i'm stealing "innate harlotry"
Drawz
Happy Halloween
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Posted: 10/31/2006 8:16:37 AM
Good article (especially the jab about girls w/ names that have fucked-up spellings). What I don't get, however, is how much bitching and moaning I've read/heard recently about girl's Halloween outfits involving something slutty. Granted, those people who normally complain are either large women or guys who are forced to see said big drawz in such a costume.
the bears
Joe Montana
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Posted: 10/31/2006 8:31:29 AM
Joe Montana wears black jean shorts. Joe Montana eats apples - core and all. Joe Montana bounces checks. Joe Montana enrolled in Pheonix University to pick up chicks. Joe Montana never upgrades. Joe Montana is allergic to peanuts. Joe Montana hits on 18. Joe Montana only eats the charms. Joe Montana never finds Waldo. Joe Montana still wears wingies. Joe Montana picks four in the pick three Joe Montana feathers his hair Joe Montana is never allowed back in Six Flags, or Blockbuster. Joe Montana can’t whistle. Joe Montana shaves against the grain. Joe Montana eats the banana-flavored Runts. Joe Montana dresses up as Joe Montana for Halloween. Joe Montana eats at least 4 whole pickles every day. Joe Montana never gives credit to the offensive line. Joe Montana voted for Bob Dole. Joe Montana relies on the “bunny ears” method to tie his shoes. Joe Montana chose DIE over VOTE. Joe Montana has no leg hair. Joe Montana is a gay. Joe Montana likes unicorns. Joe Montana tried to buy a panda on the black market. Joe Montana hates freedom. Joe Montana can always break a ten, but never will. Joe Montana talks during movies. Joe Montana asks TomTom. Joe Montana parallel parks front-first. Joe Montana cheated on his SATs. Joe Montana dry humps. Joe Montana thinks Paul Revere had a big blue ox. Joe Montana can’t get enough “Eight Is Enough”. Joe Montana refuses to lick stamps. Joe Montana fakes it. Joe Montana tips 10%. Joe Montana pours grease down the sink. Joe Montana takes the last slice. Joe Montana never flushes. Joe Montana screws up EasyMac. Joe Montana throws away pennies. Joe Montana is still waiting for the Braveheart sequel. Joe Montana can’t pull off a turtleneck. Joe Montana had a wedding for his cats. Joe Montana wears driving gloves. Joe Montana won’t let you merge. Joe Montana requests the Chicken Dance. Joe Montana can't hold his booze. Joe Montana thinks Calisthenics is a region in Spain.
Eugene
The bears
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Posted: 10/31/2006 9:20:55 AM
That was awesome! You're a comic genius!
Grade: A+
As for the article, it was so so. Most of it was trite, but a couple of lines did eleicit a soft chuckle from me. Shirley, you need to take lessons from the bears' school of comedy. That is all.
Grade: B
Tom A
Baby Jesus Died on the Cross?
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Posted: 10/31/2006 9:58:21 AM
No, no, no. The Romans waited until folks were adults before eecuting them. You're thinking of Texas.
Second Pic Caption: The lettering is completely gratuitous.
Chics in back row, middle and second from left, in last pic, have nice racks. Chics 1-3, left to right, in first pic, have passable racks.
Article was pretty good, but most of the sluts' racks need to suck less.
dc
I object
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Posted: 10/31/2006 12:39:56 PM
First pic second slut from left has more than a passable rack.
Tom A
dc
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Posted: 10/31/2006 1:13:06 PM
Well, here's the problem: with all that help, that's all the better/bigger they look. In that rig, they should look spectacular.
It's close, though, I would be willing to take other/additional counsel on this...
That Guy
Second from left Chic
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Posted: 10/31/2006 1:16:54 PM
needs some serious hedge clipping, too. Either that, or the rest of the operation...
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