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Dear Drunkard,
Hi, I hope your summer is going well. I know you are probably a little drunk right now, but try to stay with me. This is going to be hard for us both, but I wanted to write this little note in order to tell you that it’s not my fault.
You blame me for many things. You told all of your friends that Tequila made you unable to decipher between Bailey, the hot girl that you wanted to go home with, and Greta, the fatty that you rolled out from under the next day. You said it was Tequila’s fault that you went into the bathroom at Francis’ going-away party to come out 3 minutes later with a brown streak down your leg, giggling and telling everyone that you had just ‘made fudge’ in your pants because you decided that it would take too much effort to pull down your trousers. And by God if it weren’t for Tequila, there is no way that you would have misplaced all of your clothes and jumped into the frigid waters of Clinton Lake, facilitating the acquisition of your new nickname, Wee Willy Wachovitz.
And I hear THIS kind of shit all the time, especially when girls have fallen victim to my savory tangs, and I am tired of it: “I can’t drink Tequila, I get too crazy”, “Tequila makes my clothes fall off” (if I hear this one more time I am going to turn gay, and by gay I mean un-alcoholic), and “I can barely operate my vehicle after a few swigs of Tequila”. Shut. Your. Mouth. Just put me down your throat and shut the fuck up. I am 40% alcohol, just like everyone else—the same as all my friends: Professor Vodka, Mr. Bourbon, Doctor Brandy, and even Captain Rum. And yet I am the one you blame whenever you make an ass out of yourself.
Here is the reason why you do stupid shit after and during consumption of my delectable liquids: I am most frequently utilized in the form of a shot. I am not much of a sipping drink, nor am I much of a mixer. The main use of my natural resource is to pour it into a little glass and deposit it directly into your bloodstream. And when you do that, you get fucked up. So when you say “man, Tequila really makes me do some stupid shit” what you really mean is “man, taking shot after shot of an 80-proof liquor really makes me do some stupid shit”.
Let’s face it; I am the king of the shots. If you need to shoot something, chances are you are going to suckle on my sweet teat. Therefore it is easy to deduce:
I am delicious.
A shot night = A Tequila night A shot night = Trouble
Hence =>
A Tequila night = Trouble
It is simple math, people.
So next Sunday morning, when you wake up with a pounding headache, you are constantly mixing up the letters ‘D’ and ‘B’, and can’t remember where you put your cape (that you were wearing for some reason), don’t blame it on me. Take some responsibility and blame it on your parents—that deadbeat drunk dad of yours or your whore of a mother. No offense.
Tequila es un maldito hijo de puta por tratarme tan malo. Tomo unas copitas y me vuelve loco, algo que me hace recordar de un chiste:
Why did Hitler stop drinking tequila? Because it made him mean.
Disculpe, amigos.
Max
and by gay, i mean un-alcoholic
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Post #: 2
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Posted: 9/7/2006 1:55:04 AM
best line in a while. t-shirt?
Jeff Emde
Shut.Your.Mouth
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Posted: 9/7/2006 3:15:33 AM
Excellent article.
If a blackout is your destination, tequila is the shortcut.
Tequila's gonna kill me for writing that...
art
zzzz
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Posted: 9/7/2006 8:26:57 AM
borrrrrring! i remember when phatphree was really funny with articles such as "why must you be so negative" and "im sorry i called you a c*nt"
JC
Hey Art
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Posted: 9/7/2006 9:57:12 AM
How about if I call you a cunt? Art kind of rhymes with cunt. You stupid troll piece of shit. I'm sure that the author didn't have little creeps like you in mind when he wrote this. zzzzzz and borrrring. Did you think of those all by yourself? Brilliant.
Eugene
This was pretty fucking smart
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Posted: 9/7/2006 10:25:01 AM
Nice job Shirley.
I think this is pretty much spot on...If you're the first author (and I use the term loosely) to point out how fucking stupid the whole "this drink makes me more fucked up than that drink" line is then you're a great, great man.
That Guy
Pretty funny
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Posted: 9/7/2006 10:52:25 AM
Although I think we should probably let the tramps have their supposed excuse - it just makes things easier.
Pedro - how's about you give us a few lines of "The Star Spangled Banner," hmmm?
antony
tequilla....and TITTIES!!!!
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Posted: 9/7/2006 11:07:41 AM
great job surely. i blamed alcohol for my problems once. and then i got hit by a car. behind the wheel? a drunk driver. the lesson i learned? do not blame shit on alcohol or alcohol will beat your motherfucking ass down.
TITTIES!
Rinkie
Ooooh
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Posted: 9/7/2006 11:07:48 AM
Ooooooh I'm such a veteran drinker! I hate when people talk about how drunk they got on something, because I've been more drunk on that thing!
Oooooooh, party party party!
OOOOH-DEEE-BOOO-DEE-BOO-BOOO!
That Guy
Uh, rinkie...?
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 9/7/2006 11:41:51 AM
Maybe you should tuck that nerve back insiode your skin, so it's not hit so easily.
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