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This is me kicking some ass
Dear World,
Alright, you caught me—brown-handed. I don’t know how to wipe. Thanks for noticing.
I find it necessary to come out with this information because the baseball world has been accusing me of using pine tar on my pitching hand. This couldn’t be more inaccurate. It wasn’t pine tar, it was poop. Because I don’t know how to wipe.
It’s not that I don’t understand the physics of wiping; it is more that I just don’t care. They don’t call me The Gambler for nothing—its like a spin of the roulette wheel after every time I displace bowel fodder.
I grew up on a strawberry farm in Florida, so I have never exactly been well-versed in using bathrooms that don’t have moons on the door. Pooping was never an integral part of my upbringing—we were always forced to use strawberry leaves in the place of toilet paper. I don’t know if you know much about strawberry farming, but poison ivy can look a lot like a strawberry plant. After 6 incidents of inflamed, itchy, and highly contagious grundel, I decided that I just didn’t give a shit about wiping.
This is where I drop deuce
And now I am in trouble, because supposedly I broke rule 8.02 (a) that says, “…the pitcher shall not…apply a foreign substance of any kind to the ball.” Poop is not a foreign substance, in fact, it is quite natural. If it was French poo or Russian poo, then I could see your argument. But it is MY poo, and I am American.
Furthermore, washing your hands is for nancies. I bet David Eckstein washes his hands—seems like something he would do. I bet he also washes his vagina.
The “Brown Spot” controversy hasn’t been the first assault to my character and my ineptitude in butt-wiping. There have been many cases of defamation against me. It started on July 29, 2005 with that asshole Larry Rodriguez and one of his cameraman cronies. I started out to the field to begin my pre-game warm-up at Ameriquest and what do I hear from Mr. Rodriquez, that cagy bastard, but a mention of the nickname from which I have been hiding ever since the “Great Brownout Incident of 1977”. “Hey look,” he said, “It’s Kenny Rogers and the Chocolate Factory! Did you come out here to make fudge? Have a good game brown trout!” I had sworn to perform a Gold Glove-inspired karate chop followed by a Perfect Game elbow to the throat of anyone that called me that. So I did. He didn’t see it coming. After he retrieved his camera pieces and popped his shoulder back into place he said, “I am going to sue your ass! And your balls!” So he did. Prick.
All of this because sometimes a little fecal matter finds its way to the palm of my hand after I drop my ritual pre-game dook. And then some of that poo finds its way to the baseball, causing it to have a trajectory similar to a mud-ball in golf. And then this trajectory causes me to pitch 8 shutout innings in the World Series. Big deal.
I pitched 8 shutout innings after wiping the poo off of my hand.
Justin
Snot works.
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Posted: 10/26/2006 3:47:41 PM
Eddie Harris says next game just take a jalapeno put it up your nose. Than if you need to just wipe your nose.
Justin
Fucking Cheater
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Posted: 10/26/2006 4:11:53 PM
What a cheatin country singing bitch! Any 40 year old man who acts like that on the mound should be shot. He's a grown ass man, act like you have been there before and way to be a great role model to your bastard children!
Bruce
My homepage
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Posted: 10/26/2006 4:53:34 PM
Well done! My homepage | Please visit
Charlie Sheen
P.P.S.
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Posted: 10/26/2006 5:03:02 PM
Kenny - No, you didn't. You pitched 8 shutout innings in total. 7 AFTER wiping poo off your hand. You had the poo for the first inning.
Kenny Rogers
charlie
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Posted: 10/26/2006 5:26:07 PM
My bad, that was the booze talkin' - but hell, I figured you would sympathize...
Tangent Guy
Thanks for Clearing That Up
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Posted: 10/26/2006 5:40:49 PM
I guess.
At least the haters have something else to whine about now besides the last Super Bowl and the ending of the Oregon-Oklahoma game. (Or was it Nebraska? Oh well, if it's not SC or Ohio State who gives a shit?)
Lay off David Eckstein: he's still celebrating the ruling from the New Jersey Supreme Court.
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