Posts: 0 Rank: 1133
Member Since:
3/20/2006
Location:
Mission, KS
Posted: 9/27/2007
September 29, 2006
Firewalls Lead to Decreased Productivity: An Inter-Office Memo
Dear The Man,
On behalf of your entire staff, regarding the increased internet security in the form of firewalls and restricted internet access, I would like to extend to you an invitation to suck my balls.
Now that I have that out of the way, I would like to explain why the increased security has become detrimental to office morale, but how it has also led to decreased efficiency.
However, I did want to take a quick sidebar before we get into Christine and Cuteboy: Part XVII.
One time I walked into the office bathroom and went to take a piss at the urinal. I heard alot of commotion and farting from the stall to my left. These are the kind of farts that I get when I am sick AND ate tacos and oatmeal. After I finished, I walked over to wash my hands and I took a quick look back at the stall to see what kind of situation was going on back there ( I like to check to see if the feet are planted or up in the air, what magazines or books are strewn about, and what type of shoes that the shitter might have on so I can look for them later in the office and make fart sounds near them, or hold up an "I just pooped" sign for my co-workers and point at the perp.)
My whole fucking day was rocked when I saw the person's feet pointed inward. FUCKING INWARD! They weren't even shitting, they were pissing and farting a lot. I must have looked like I had seen a ghost when I walked out of there because my coworkers kept asking what was wrong and why I wasn't talking.
Posts: 843 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:00:46 AM
I’m Toque. Not native Seattleite Don’t mess with me ‘cause my rhymes is tight Like Queen Alice I don’t fuck around But my boy DLamp said “Pound It!” Ya know that he goes South But I’m not gay ‘cause a mouth is a mouth.
Windows to the soul can’t look in his eyes Should I tell him? Nah it’s a surprise I always cum with the quick correct shit ya know son Switch my avatar up like I’m Spartan*.
That’s right I got a TPP attack What’d Tom A say? “She’s got a nice rack.”
My flows got juice like Deuce on a rant Durka Durka bitch! - ya fuckin ass-hatz! That’s right when he brings it I’m always pleased Goddamn Britney’s ruined wizard sleeve.
I shit Brikz… and Sandwiches This Arrogant Bastahhd gotz his Balls on Steely Dan The Filth says DC gotz no play But I know he BigNicked Ugotgorkd anyway.
That’s right I drop beats like BearNuts moves around Vert told me the coke hook up’s in downtown Denver where Tman Jr. supplies it Unlike Asmar who won’t fucking prescribe it.
I’d talk about Hooker and Joe Kickass some more But like Christine I just aint no whore.
Digger - my nigga don’t think I left you out Annabelle looks like a slam pig – go wet her ‘snout’.
This is my rhyme there’s no fucking denying it Stiggs put some metal on the Folksy Rapists supplied it.
I liked it. Dont know why, but it hits home with me. Wait, no it doesn't. I have all access here,but sometimes I receive an Email regarded "viewing unsafe/lewd material" from IT guys. Which I delete without reading so I dont feel guilty.
Belding-tacos and oatmeal....mmm...
Toque-I think that will make a great nursery rhyme and should be read to underprivledge children immediately.
Pic#2 may be the hottest chubby chic I've ever seen. I mean I wouldn't give her my real phone number(she is still a fatty) , but I would reconfigure her couch cushions.
Posts: 452 Rank: 28 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:21:34 AM
Unlike Muenster, I aint got access to shit here, so this article touched me in a very naughty way,,, but I'm not telling in the hopes that it will do so again.
Chick in pic #2: I would make her squeal like a squirrel if you stomp its nuts.
Posts: 426 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:32:46 AM
Touqe you are a literal genius, Literally.
Speaking of Firewalls, and internet Security...
We pipe the company through one of these, but I have my own internet connection I use all for myself.
One thing you should know about your IT Department: "We know, and See Everything."
We know that last week you got drunk at your cousin/sister/best friends wedding, and made out with the Geek/Cool guy/Lesbian who was in the bridal party. Now you have a rash/Wart/itch on your Cooch/Junk/Ass. Get a hotmail and stop using our mail system as your Gossip Blog.
Oh and DC, Those pills will not work, We know because it is a scam, and if you keep emailing ugotdorkedisreal.com anymore we'll put a block on your IP so the only thing you can look at is CMT.com.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:33:31 AM
I'd like to invite you to suck my balls. The panda joke was mildy funny, but then you had to explain it with a footnote. We're not little kids, no are we European tourists. We get it. And then you plug your brother's book. For shame...
Some of the most fun i have at a new office is seeing what kinds of hoops and obstacles i might have to jump through/over at each new client i go to. ...and that goes doubly for getting around the firewalls to my porn and tpp.
Though working on the slutty girl from revenue assurance is a challenge that always has te best rewards.
If you feel the need to explain an ironical situation in your piece, then there's at least one of the following problems with your process:
a. your wife/girlfriend/roommate/mom, whoever is proofreading your work; is a retard.
b. your feeble attempts at written sarcasm are poor and/or unwelcome.
c. the irony was accidental and you, upon rereading what you've written, were so impressed by your accidental irony that you felt the need to point it out (thus taking away any shot of this piece having any shred of subtle literary genius).
Posts: 282 Rank: 27 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:11:23 AM
After having a vicious bout of the squirts last night (I had a little too much Canadian Club and Cheesy Enchilada Hamburger Helper), along with the fact I couldn't sleep as a result, having to wake up to get to my 9 a.m. at 7:30 because I live a mile and a half away from the damn building where class is at, to discover all we're doing today is watching a movie, getting a positive shout out pretty much validated the past 10 hours. Thanks Toque.
Posts: 282 Rank: 27 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:38:16 AM
Who on TPP would you want on your softball team, and what position would they play?
Catcher - Brikz Starting Pitcher - The Filth First Base - Christine Second - DC Shortstop -BigNick Third - Deuce Outfield (4) - Toque, SS, Balls, Spartan (for some reason I think you'd shine at softball) Relief - AB Guy who sits next to the keg all game - Mako Coach -BearNuts Guy hitting on the chesty high schooler in the snack shack - Tom A "Hey guys! I brought some chaw!" - Evil Frank
Posts: 1132 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:47:38 AM
How the hell you got a copy of the letter I sent off last week but I will have you know I am looking into my legal options as we speak. See you in court fucker.
Posts: 607 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:58:44 AM
My last office job before this one tried to pull this shit. I actually took pleasure in finding new ways to manipulate the firewall (and in calling the IT guys fags whenever they came around).
I can't believe you guys missed the most obvious villian reference yesterday: AB - Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)
Stiggs, thanks for the inclusion, but I think DLamp would be the more apropriate choice for catcher. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN!!!!
Posts: 1132 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 9/27/2007 10:01:38 AM
It really is sad we are all spread out because we would have a hell of a team, plus I think with as crazy as most of us are the other teams would all be a little scared. Plus if we were in danger of losing our cheerleader Christine could flash the twins and insure our victory.
Not a bad game Stiggs, play some Little Feat as I throw in my two cents.
Catcher-DLamp, no explanation necessary 1B-Brikz, we've seen his build, classic first baseman 2B-Pooholes, 2nd baseman are always spics 3B-Vertigo, need a good arm there. And close to bleachers so I can check the talent inconspicuously with my mirror shades. SS-Shit Sandwich, photoshop wizard, need a wizard at SS. DH-BigNick, again-look at the build OF-Tom A, he's thin and can probably run. AB, probably aggressive out there and great place to talk shit. Deuce, can definitely put a ton of dip and gum in his mouth while rocking the shades-only qualifications for RF. Pitcher-Toque, can talk shit superbly to hitters. Manager-Bearnuts, world traveler will be able to judge weaknesses of locals. Cheerleaders-ugotdorkd, Della Casa Bench-Evil Frank, Christine Tman-Play guitar solos for our team as they walk up to hit. (Mine will be Heartbreaker by Zeppelin) Postgame enforcers in inevitable brawl: Shartan, Digger, filth
"Our house, is a very very very fine house. With two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard. Now everything is easy cause of you."
