Dear Friend of My Boyfriend, Who Secretly Plots To Destroy Me:
After picking up the phone and having you completely disregard my existence (yet again), I feel it only appropriate that we get this thing out in the open. I mean, we both know what is going on here, with your darting eyes and sneaking into our medicine cabinet and seeing what Im all about. You didnt need hairspray. You needed information. I hope my box of EPT tests spoke loud and clear.
Yeah. We do it. Like rabbits!
Look, its clear you aint no friend.
No.
You are the hemorrhoid that eventually sneaks into the ass of every girlfriend on the planet.
You are the dreaded Girl Friend.
Youre cool. Youre laid back. Youre One of the guys.
Youre full of shit.
So, it is with you in mind that I have created a short guide to aid the girlfriends of the world.
This way, the next time you FLAME UP, innocent women everywhere are sure to find quick relief.
GIRL FRIEND NUMBER ONE: The Old School BIATCH
She has known your man for years and will remind you of this annoying fact every chance she gets. Shell start all of her sentences with Remember the time and giggling at inside jokes that cannot possibly be as funny as she wants you to believe.
When she asks to see photos of the two of them or reminds him that he does not like blondes (your hair color), your boyfriend, who is no doubt a clueless sap, will think she is just catching up, but in reality shes peeing on what she sees as her territory.
Single White Female Much, Skank!?
She smoked weed with your man when he had long hair and listened to Metallica. She nursed him through bad relationships and talked him out of crushes. What he did not know was that she was secretly masturbating to him in her room and crying to Vanessa Williams, Saved The Best For Last every time she left his dorm room.
Real Life Backhanded Comment: I bumped into your mom the other day. I love her! She said she wished I would have married her son when I told her I was engaged! Dont tell her I said anything, though.
Since Killing her Is Not An OptionYet: This Gal pal is the most experienced and feisty of all of the friends. She has been through this battle beforeand won. Your best bet is total sabotage. Invite her to stay at your pad for the weekend, put six maximum-strength Ex-Laxs in her wine, and watch the fun unfold as her ass explodes all morning right in front of your man. Good Riddance, nasty ho!
GIRL FRIEND NUMBER TWO: His Friends BIATCH
This saucy minx is actually the property of your boyfriends overcompensating short friend. She is usually married with JewFro, drinks Midori sours, and has an ass as wide as the Atlantic. She laughs too loud at your mans jokes (hes not that funny) and likes to shower you with compliments that leave you nursing claw scratches in the morning.
Real Life Backhanded Comment: Oooh, (Insert name of your man here) is in great shape! You must be very confident to have a man that women are constantly trying to steal away from you!
Since Killing Her Is Not An OptionYet: The good news: Shes taken by your mans friend. The Bad News: Look at your mans friend. Treat this one like men treat the ugly friend of the hottie they want to take home. Make her smile, pretend you care, get her loaded and leave her drooling on the counter.
GIRL FRIEND NUMBER THREE His Friends Sister-BIATCH
To him, shes like a kid sister. To her, hes Papi Gigante. You want to rip her adoring eyes out of her head when she scoops her arm in his and suffocates his every sentence with wiggles and giggles. Unlike the other tom kitties, this BIATCH has no interest in who you are or where you came from, and shell prove it to you all night as she shows your guy just how much puberty shes gone through.
Real Life Backhanded Comment: I am so glad to see (insert name of boyfriend here) settled down. He used to just bring tons of random women home to hook up with.
Since Killing Her Is Not An OptionYet: Youll probably only see her at weddings, BBQs and other painfully large mixers, but like an Herpes outbreak, once night with this blister burns enough to know you need to take action. Ply her with alcohol at the open bar, feed her a bunch of nonsense lines about how she once screwed a donkey, and plop her in front of great Aunt Phyllis. Watch the fun unfold!
GIRL FRIEND NUMBER FOUR THE EX BIATCH
She knows your man inside and out, what he likes, dislikes and where that mole is and the real pain in the ass is that she knows you know it. She will most likely be the one who broke his heart into a million pieces (because those are the only ones who resurfaceone of the many stipulations in their evil ex-girlfriend contracts). Shes sexy, catty, mean, and probably gave your man better blow jobs than you.
Real Life Backhanded Comment: What is your name? I am so sorry, I have never heard about you. Oh, youve been together two years? Wow!
Since Killing her Is Not An OptionYet: Shes as skilled as a bounty-hunter and will kill you faster than you can say ex sex. Taking her on is nearly mission impossible, but it can be done. Or at least, I think it can be done. If you figure it outlet me know. Until then, I will be practicing my Lewinsky Skills.
THANK YOU BRENDA Posted: 10/6/2005by: psycho chick #2 I think i've finally found someone who thinks just like myself. Every girl is a biatch! you're my hero! Biatch not funny? Posted: 9/29/2005by: A. Thomas Johnson I think spelling out BIATCH would've been funnier with an O. BIATCHO. No, that's just stupid. I'll get back in the attic now. The Ex- Posted: 9/26/2005by: Frisco Ho My wife would say "isn't that the one that you said did. . ." and remind me of some incredibly rude, ball busting, obnoxious thing that the ex had done while we were dating (and trust me, there was ALWAYS something). Talk about a reverse rush!
Speaking of reverses, congrats on getting the reverse kudos from Steve and Molly. Anytime they tell you how much your article sucks, you know you done good. The Ex-Biatch Posted: 9/26/2005by: prudance Simply say, "oh YOU'RE (insert ex's name)!" Smile and whisper in his ear loud enough for her to hear "I'm sorry".Worked for me and she never approached again. Great article Brenda and very true. You sound like a girl I'd hang with. Women are Fucking Nuts Posted: 9/22/2005by: Raz Women are fucking crazy--I thought my ex was a jealous, posessive freak until I read this and now I am thinking I might give her a call and use this as a way to get back into (I mean with) her crazy ass. Brenda, you definitely hold your own with the dudes on this site, but I have to ask, do you have any female friends left? You think like a guy and are blowing their cover in all of your pieces.
I am going to have to check out your profile though after hearing that you are hot too--if it can make Psycho Steve give you a semi comment and fat Molly go that crazy, you must be a hot piece of ass--funny too, good job.
PS You fucking commenters are crazy--...it's like a snakepit down here! Hot and Hilarious Posted: 9/22/2005by: Reggie I thought the piece was funny and then I checked out your profile--if that is really you in the picture, congrats, you brought the fantasy of the hot, smart, funny girl who does not take herself too seriously to life.
Great job on all of your pieces and keep writing for the site (which is my favorite) these bastards who post negative crap do not reflect the majority.
Reg
Funny Shit Posted: 9/21/2005by: Mike Stephanos My girlfriend sent this to me as "Proof" and I laughed my ass off. I know these chicks (and my girl hates them!) I really like your stuff --especially the boobs piece and the one about LA. Looking forward to the next. Brenda, You're Awesome Posted: 9/21/2005by: Derrik Your gorgeous, funny and talented and fuck anyone who says otherwise. Hmmmmm.... Posted: 9/21/2005by: Joe Kickass I think men have it worse. There are four "girl friends" labeled here for the woman to worry about. For a guy, he has to worry about EVERY OTHER FUCKING GUY IN THE WORLD.
I was on a date two nights ago at a bar. I got up, went to the bathroom. 3 minutes later I come back and there's two dudes trying to mack on my date. Gee thanks... Posted: 9/21/2005by: Ella ...Brenda. You've blown my cover to the majority of the male population. You bitch. Like you've never done that. So much for "sisterhood". FUCK.
P.s. you have won my respect for you. great article.
