Some of you may think that being the benefits coordinator at Rutledge Tool & Dye is easy. Well guess again, fuck penises. Not only do I have to deal with your standard, run-of-the-mill coverage issues -- like making sure everyone knows that those happy ending rub and tugs are only covered if Lady Long-Time has at least 20 credits towards a physical therapy degree AND you have a referral from a primary care provider -- but in this modern era of alternative lifestyles and gender-bending, I gotta deal with a whole bunch of shit that bennies coordinators back in the day never dreamed of.
And, no, I aint just talking about domestic partner coverage. Please. On that one, we got a pretty simple rule that I tell everyone in orientation: All the mos go to HMOs. I mean, were an enlightened company and all, and if these dudes want to butt fuck each other in the ass with their cocks, thats their business. But with all the extra medical visits those fellas rack up (you know what Im talking about), we just cant afford to cover them at the PPO Platinum level, okay? I aint judging anybody. Im just saying that all hamster extraction has gotta be done in-network.
And its pretty straightforward for the lesbos, too. You can go either HMO or Point-of-Service with a slightly higher deductible, but only one of yous gets to be a new mommy in any given calendar year. Obstetrics and neo-natal are fucking expensive and when you add in-vitro fertilization and sperm-bank consultant fees on top of that, well, theres just no way we can cover all of that -- times two -- for each household.
Again, thats not a value judgment -- yall can cunnilingus each other on your pussies til your hearts content, but were only a 400-employee organization. If we start letting Paula from the loading dock get full bennies on a pregnancy plus three months of paid maternity leave and then do the same for that rugby teammate of hers who doesnt even work here, our bennies obligations are gonna start taking a serious bite out of our revvies. Obviously, we cant have that.
Gorilla testosterone is covered at 80% (90% for generics).
But like I said, regular old gays isnt even the hard part of my job. The tricky part is these trannies. I mean, in the last 18 months Ive had to deal with pre-ops, post-ops, chicks with dicks, guys with boobs, hormone replacement, clitoral extension, and Adams apple shaving. And thats just in the IT department!
Ive had to figure out what gets covered on all of those on an ad-hoc basis, making up the rules as I go along because I cant get a fucking straight answer from all those fat cat rectum-lickers up in corporate. Last week I sent a 83-page single-spaced memo to the CFO laying out the basic issues that come up on these trannies and trying to get some kind of a ruling on this shit. But its been three business days already and I aint heard cock!
In the meantime, what am I supposed to do when I get a call from some pre-op telling me that her number finally came up in the transplant lottery and shes going in for an addadicktomy? Shes telling me that standard recovery time is four months, but if I give her that, then you can bet your ball hairs that every Tom, Dick, and Harry who regular fucks his wife in the pussy and then jizzes out his cock and gets her preggers is gonna be banging on my door talking about how he only got three months parental leave when the Mrs. shat out their last rug rat.
You think that guys gonna want to hear that all the medical journals say that female-to-male trannies who return to a non-immuno-controlled environment too quickly face increased risk of shaft tissue rejection and usually end up missing even more work and racking up even more bennies claims when they pick up some infection on that new-fangled wang they got? Please. That guys gonna stomp out of my office and start telling all the other pussy-fuckers that the bennies office favors trannies. Next thing you know, people are snickering and calling me a trannie hag every time I hit the head to lay some cable, and kids are throwing strap-ons at my wife in the supermarket. What the shit? I mean, trannie and hag dont even fucking rhyme nor are they alliterative!
Sorry. I dont mean to get all riled up. Its just that some people seem to think that working in the bennies office means just filling out forms and sending reminder e-mails about the flexible spending account enrollment period. Sure, thats the glamour part of the job. But on a day-to-day basis, you spend most of your time doing things like calibrating the co-payment level for surgical vagina construction. Thats the reality.
In closing, Id just like to thank Principal Levine and Mrs. Stotler for inviting me to be one of the speakers here at Career Day. Good luck to all of you in whatever jobs you choose after graduation.
The last sentence Posted: 1/5/2006by: Jmc That last sentence MAKES the whole piece.
What a punchline! Holy SHIT.
Ha hahahahaha. Kudos! Posted: 1/4/2006by: JMD Nice work; I'm not too sure the folks at Southern Comfort would dig it, but what the fuck ever. Color me jealous. What do I know? I'm just a girl, anyway... Hey, how much does a dick cost again? Well Done, Mr. Sanford Posted: 1/4/2006by: Tom A I feel your pain (from a previous job).
They just can't ever seem to get that hamster extractions really do need to be done in network, or the system just goes broke.
P.S. Career Day. Sweet. Delphi Posted: 1/4/2006by: Bosco Ha! you just got your shit pushed in by a girl, hahaha. What a fucking loser! No Posted: 1/4/2006by: Christine You're pretty much still an asshole the holy trinity Posted: 1/4/2006by: Delphi guess that makes me god the father - Posted: 1/4/2006by: Beetle Great article. I work in a related field and we actually have an employee who is suing because our health insurance won't cover his/hers/it's "lopadickoffomy". Somebody's gonna have to tell the beast to chill the fuck out with the lawsuits, as a Smith and Wesson cranium cleansing will only cost the company about 10 cents. well Posted: 1/4/2006by: brian steve is a UPS guy so he might be still busy from the holiday Even us office workers in the transportation sec are busy during the holidays. Im in Fedex office, so i should know.. I agree Brian Posted: 1/4/2006by: Christine Also, where the fuck is Steve? Maybe all three of them are the same. Of course you realize we just prompted all of them to come on here and be annoyingly themselves. Argh. My take Posted: 1/4/2006by: brian is that Delphi and Eugene are one in the same person....you notice since Delphi came on Eugene has gone away?????????
