Greetings fellow Internet chefs! Its Panfish Grieves here for another installment of the Vagrant Gourmet. As always, Im coming to you from the Throgs Neck branch of the New York City Public Library where my computer privileges run out in exactly 11 minutes.
Summer is approaching, and before I head to the mens room for a nap, I thought it would be the perfect time to fill you in on some of my favorite warm weather cuisine.
Too hot for a barrel fire? That doesnt mean you cant prepare some deliciously light summer fair without submitting to a strip search for a Christian Center bologna sandwich and a night on one of their pee-stained cots.
So try staving off hunger-related dementia with these seasonal delights.
Peanut Butter Sneaks 1 index finger 1 middle finger 1 jar creamy (my preference) peanut butter 1 steak knife*
Ever since I started sharing a room with Stabby Darnell at the YMCA, Ive had the opportunity to experiment with some ingredients he keeps locked in a Marine Corps. footlocker. While Stabby was sleeping off a paint thinner hangover, I went ahead and had the key copied. And, boy, am I ever glad I did. Hes always got a little something stashed away for midnight cravings or spontaneous entertaining. A staple in his strongbox happens to be peanut butter, so I developed a simple, satisfying appetizer in honor of that deranged vet.
To prepare, extend both your middle and index fingers. Open a jar of peanut butter. Using your extended fingers as a makeshift spatula, pass them through the peanut butter with a sweeping motion. Scoop up as much as possible, and enjoy. Throughout preparation, keep the steak knife at the ready in case your roommate walks in. They dont call him Stabby because he likes to punch people in the face.
* Any sturdy shank may be substituted for a steak knife.
Hot plates dont last forever. Like getting kicked in the stomach by a tranny, its a fact of life. This winter, Stabby was coming down hard from a three week methcapade. Before he ground his teeth out of his skull, he tried to end his agony by gnawing through the wire of my hot plate. It was unplugged, so all he ended was the pride and joy of my kitchenette.
But chefs are nothing if not creative. So, I tweaked an Oriental classic into a refreshing summer salad that doesnt require boiling water.
Open your Ramen package. I chose shrimp because shellfish is such a summery treat. For something to keep you warm and toasty in your overturned box car this winter, try substituting beef flavor. Sprinkle the seasoning packet over the raw Ramen brick and enjoy. Be sure to prominently arrange a few shrimp right on top for presentation (theyre the shriveled pink things that look like dehydrated Sea Monkeys).
Its a seasonal favorite thats loaded with crunch and nutrition. Those green flakes in the seasoning packet are bok choy!
The great thing about summer in the big city is sleeping outdoors. Park benches and bus stops are nice, but if you want to wake up to a full buffet, there is nothing like summer snoozing in a vacant entryway. Claim one surrounded by taverns, and youre likely to wake up to a smorgasbord.
First, create a sign. Using some black shoe polish, I usually write something like NEED MONEY 4 NEW HOT PLATE. I think it lets people know theyre dealing with a professional. Place the hat in front of the sign, cover up with the business section and hit the sack.
After finding a prime spot last weekend, I woke up late and had a delightful Sunday brunch. Besides the $3.47 in the hat, I was surrounded by the butt end of a bean burrito, three chicken wings, one bunless hot dog and a melted screwdriver, which served perfectly as a summer brunch mimosa.
Well, judging by that librarian threatening to call security, I guess my Internet time is up. It seems "Hardy Boys" book reports take priority over culinary mastery around here, so, until next time, Im the Vagrant Gourmet.
Be sure to check back soon for my next batch of recipes. Ill be putting my personal touch on a few dishes that feature the hungry hobos favorite family feast cat!
Poor Beau Posted: 5/12/2005by: Tom A Homeless people aren't entertaining you anymore? That's too bad.
Perhaps you just aren't looking in the right places. In my travels, I have found that NYC, LA, and D.C. have the best street urchins for folks like yourself to point at and laugh.
Signs like "Tell Me Off - $2" or "STOP my accordian for 60 seconds - $1", can be found in the larger cities, where competition is tough but the potential rewards are great.
In Council Bluffs, Iowa, the damn bums have just stopped trying. I hear they are months behind the latest hobo fashion, too.
So don't despair, and don't delay. Pack up that mean-spirited a-hole personality you have brought to an art form, and hit a big city!
Sometimes, they will even let you kick them if you give some extra cash. Oh, and don't be afraid to barter with them, they expect it from a prick like yourself. Mmmm, that's good! Posted: 5/11/2005by: Lamar You forgot to mention road food. Rabbit is served in the finest restaurants, and yet it can also be found on I-95. So can venison, racoon, armadillo and snake. Mmmmm, road food. Beau Posted: 5/11/2005by: doesnt matter get a life WHAT the FUCK????? Posted: 5/11/2005by: Beau When did all homeless people standardize on a new sign? "Why lie its for beer!" Honestly this was funny when I saw the first 300 homeless people come up with this but how about some god damn creativity. Maybe there is not enough time in the day between organizing your cart and sleeping. I would be happy to pitch in my $1 for a bit of comedy but if not go get a job at McDonalds......if they can hire retards, YOU can get a job. Just don't fuck up my order smelly!
