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Based on feedback gathered from test market residents after a six-month trial run of US Weekly-Galesburg, publishing executives decided to dump plans for a proposed line of local tabloids.
"That fucking rag ruined my marriage," screamed Galesburg restaurateur Jimmy Newton.
Newton, who owns two area Taco Bells, one of which is contained within the Route 90 Amoco filling station, was the subject of a March 6 US Weekly-Galesburg article. The story reported that Newton was seen canoodaling with gas station manager, Marjorie Stenton, and was accompanied by photos from the couple's "Wet, Wild Weekend" at a nearby Super 8 Motel pool.
Newton said he became suspicious after spotting a photographer on the roof of the budget motel, but did not become fully aware of the scope of the magazine's coverage until he and Stenton were met with a flurry of paparazzi flash bulbs upon leaving the hotel.
"It's nice to be noticed," Stenton admitted after the incident. "But, shit, everybody 'cept his wife already knew. Maybe now he'll finally leave that whiny bitch."
Galesburg's younger residents lived in increasing fear of the magazine after US Weekly fashion critic, Sebastian "Fashion" Stevens turned his Park Avenue eye toward the small Illinois town's high school population. Beth Rogers, Galesburg High School Junior and heiress to the Sirloin Stockade fortune, was added to the US Weekly-Galesburg's worst dressed list after photographers captured her arriving for school.
Stevens wrote her pleated, khaki shorts "were OK for a camp counselor … from freaking 1990," and went on to bash her entire ensemble.
"Listen sweetie, I'd think twice about tucking in that T-shirt next time. With that doughy paunch you've been feeding cheese fries every day, you do not want to draw attention to your midsection. And somebody needs to tell 'Brace Face Beth' that scrunchies aren't retro yet," Stevens wrote in his weekly fashion roundup.
Rogers, reportedly, cried.
Executive editor Samantha Reed said the magazine's first few issues did not seem to register with Galesburg as a whole, so she made the decision to go after the town's more prominent citizens.
"After we broke the (local anchorwoman) Jen (Meyers) and (minor league hockey forward) Glen (Wilson) story, I thought we struck a chord. Ad sales were up. Don's Discount Pool and Spa purchased a full page for their summer splashdown sale, and we were really getting off the ground," Reed said. The turning point, she speculated, was US Weekly-Galesburg's widely criticized spread, "Celebrity Cellulite: Saggy Stars."
"I'm 60 years old and have five grown children," said outraged Galesburg Middle School principal Ann Frampton.
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The caption that accompanied a full page picture of Frampton in a one-piece bathing suit that was riding unfortunately high on her right buttock read, "Not Hot for Teacher: Ann Frampton's curdled cheek crashes granddaughter's kiddy pool party."
The pictorial also highlighted some problem areas on city council woman Maria Helm, which were not flattered by her biker shorts and sports bra jogging apparel. Accompanied by the headline "Running on a full tank," the photographs prompted Helm to write an angry letter and purchase a variable speed treadmill.
"People were pissed," laughed Reed, who is used to following the loosely written rules of Hollywood tabloid journalism. "But if you don't got it, don't flaunt it."
"We were just trying to get a feel for our readership, but newsstand sales showed people just weren't latching on to stories like, 'Zoning Board Members: They're Just Like Us,' or 'Behind the Scenes at the Hot New K's Merchandise Commercial Shoot,'" Reed said.
Toward the end of the magazine's test run, Galesburg residents became increasingly belligerent toward US Weekly photographers and writers. After editors chose to run a blurred photo of the infamous Jane Franklin nip slip, reports of scuffles between citizens and paparazzi poured in to the magazine.
"Jane was fair game," Reed maintained. "She was picking up the paper in her robe, and we just got lucky. But, come on, you don't run for treasurer of the PTA to stay out of the spotlight. We have sources close to the stay-at-home mother saying Jane's nip definitely did not 'slip,'" Reed said, suggesting the whole debacle was a staged publicity stunt. "School board elections are only a year-and-a-half away. Think about it."
"Her husband did beat my photographer to within an inch of his life," Reed admitted. "But Jane won't have a house to expose herself in front of once our lawyers get done with that family. "
The magazine's last issue did not go over any better than its first in Galesburg.
US Weekly- Galesburg's expose on "Glennifer's" apparently turbulent relationship quoted "a source close to the couple," whose identity the magazine refused to divulge.
"They were totally not affectionate," the magazine reported the source as saying. "They didn't look at each other and just seemed distant."
US Weekly-Galesburg's behavioral psychologist, who corroborated with the anonymous source, analyzed recent photographs of the couple and wrote that their body language was "frigid" and "distant." But the recently engaged Glen and Jen insist the story was contrived.
"Those pictures were taken at church," said a dumfounded Glen Wilson. "What did they want to see? Me tonguing her?"
When asked, Reed said, "Yes. That would have been a start."
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