It's your lucky day, internet shoppers. My virginity is a bargain. Notice, too, that there is no reserve.
I was planning to wait until after prom to post my virginity on eBay, but I'm just a motivated seller. Plus, I don't think it will be such a sure thing with Stacy. I'm starting to get the feeling that she is not real keen on even going to the dance with me, much less confirming my manhood without a PayPal transaction.
Check out my seller rating. Does that get you going, ladies?
Read some of that feedback: "avril_luvr3 shipped my Magic cards the very same day I won the auction. Each was protected in individual sleeves and the conditions were all true to description. Highly recommended!"
That's right, you're going to get prompt delivery of my virginity without any exaggerated claims, like "well-hung" or "good complexion."
Do you fully understand the kind of competence with which you will deal if you decide to place a bid on my virginity? I am an eBay veteran and I, along with many satisfied customers, can attest to my spotless track record. So go for it! Notice I was helpful enough to include a "Buy it now" option. But if you think, when the bidding heats up, you will be able to purchase my virginity for under $4, go ahead and wait it out. I just hope you're not disappointed when you're outbid at the last second.
Like many eBay shoppers, you're probably going to want to know exactly what you will be purchasing before placing a bid. I understand. I've been burned before. Those "Highlander" commemorative serving dishes were noticeably yellowed. Well, let me reassure you about my virginity. You will be purchasing a mint, 1989 virgin for one night (or several at no extra charge) to please however you see fit, as long as, at the point of return, I may no longer be classified as a virgin. Upon our completed transaction you may take my virginity however you see fit - throw me to the bed and pin my hands behind behind my head while you grind the virginity out of me, take me by the hand and let me slowly caress your body until you're ready to take full ownership of my virginity - it's up to you!
I know what you're thinking, "avril_luvr3, I would like nothing more than to bid on your virginity, but how do I know you're really a virgin?" On that point, you will just have to take me on my word and impeccable eBay feedback. To ease some of your concerns, I am including a certificate of authenticity in the form of a note from the last girl I asked out on a date. It reads, in part: "Gene, If you ever talk to me in front of Brian again, I will make sure that no girl at this school will ever acknowledge your pasty ass again. Don't write back. And, no, I don't want to go to Bennigan's with you and your stepdad! Ew!" I realize that this certificate will not absolutely prove my virginity, but hopefully its mere inclusion will lead you to suspect that I am representing my sexual history accurately.
Don't you hate it when you buy something and the seller charges as much for shipping as he does for the item? Well, not to worry. Shipping is on me. I've saved up enough at Long John Silvers to pay for a bus ticket anywhere in the continental United States. Overseas bidders may want to note that delivery of my virginity may take up to four months because I will have to put in some overtime.
Bid with confidence. My virginity is as good as yours. There is still 6d 4hrs 35min left on my virginity auction, but I anticipate a bidding war toward the end. I already have one buyer watching my virginity, but I hope he is soon joined by some aggressive female bidders. I really want to keep my seller rating high, but I don't know if I'll be willing to deliver my virginity to boyzbunz69.
Lorenzo Posted: 5/5/2006by: JPM Well shit my brother from another mother I be glad you be postin today. Nice try at using dem' big words. Momma iz sure goin' be proud, fo sho! Oh Jesus, why am I doing this Posted: 5/5/2006by: Lorenzo I'm posting on an article the next day and responding to JPM, but your last response, man, it's so imbecilic that it effectively renders you purely and undeniably..
pwned PROVO YOU MORON Posted: 5/5/2006by: JPM Moniker is not a real wod, thus it is called a slang word. They don't teach SLANG in college but go ahead and think they do.
And you can't put a hypen in to anything and say that is is proper English. But go ahead and make up some more rules.
OH, almost forgot.... Posted: 5/4/2006by: Provo OWNED JPM's predictable pussiness... Posted: 5/4/2006by: Provo I normlly dont touch this site when I get home from work, but for you JPM, I mde an exception...I knew you wouldn't answer the question (on pg 7 of 41 of the comments)......and even AFTER I posted you wouldnt post the answer since I was leaving....I got home and just HAD to get proof...and sure enough...you tell ME to 'MAN UP'?!?!? What, too tough to go back and scan over the posts? Apparently they dont teach you how to do that in grad school,well, the one you went to anyways....SO, you win...I will repost it below...but in doing so...I know I, and all others who abhor you win....'cause you wont have a good, reasonable, or logical response....or even a worhty comeback if your previous posts are any indication.
Previous post by me:
AGREED
We both know I am stupid for not having gone to school and obtaining a Masters or a GED for that matter....so pointing out my follies is useless....
so, What's your reason for not being able to spell, understand grammar and associated 'marks' (i.e. the hyphen), and not knowing, dare I say, remedial vocabulary (i.e. moniker)? What's your explanation? 2.99? Posted: 5/4/2006by: Captain Kangaroo That seems like a bit much, unless you are talking pesos. I was thinking more like half of a medium fries... 2.99 Posted: 5/4/2006by: JPM Going once... Capt. Kangaroo Posted: 5/4/2006by: Bystander I am pretty sure Tom A checked out a while back. But he'd probably sell HIM for cheap. 400 bitch Posted: 5/4/2006by: Captain Kangaroo 400 399 Posted: 5/4/2006by: Captain Kangaroo 399
