OAK PARK, ILDaryl Walker, an Oak Park, Ill. loan officer, planned a relaxing party Saturday night consisting of a few friends, a catered three-meat submarine sandwich from the grocery store across the street from his two-bedroom apartment, and a pony keg of Miller Lite.
As the party swelled to a climax during the seventh inning of the Cubs game, which most of the attendees were enjoying on Walker's new 29" color television, he began to realize that the peace was being disturbed, repeatedly and, increasingly, loudly.
"C'mon, we got to finish this shit! Don't be a pussy! You're not gonna puss out. Bitch," yelled Larry Darvitz into the face of Walker's new neighbor who lived on the floor above.
Details were sketchy and witnesses were not forthcoming in the investigation into who invited, knew or had any association with Darvitz.
By 9 p.m. Darvitz had disrupted two beer-filled plastic cups to the point of significant spillage, barraged one party guest with profanity-laden demands to do a keg stand, and emerged from Walker's bathroom shirtless and boisterously descriptive about the heft of his apparent bowel movement.
"I don't know who this guy is," said Leslie Smith, Walker's acquaintance and hair stylist. "Maybe if he wasn't sweating so much I'd remember him from earlier."
Walker said none of the other guests were too enthused about Darvitz' suggestion to "get fuckin' wasted," and were more interested in enjoying the game.
"I turned my head for a second and that sweaty idiot was in my freezer getting out a half-filled bottle of Smirnoff," Walker recalls.
After offering to mix a number of party guests a "stiffy" consisting of Hawaiian Punch and Walker's pilfered vodka, Darvitz ingested three of the cocktails himself. Taking to referring to the concoction as a "Samoan Uppercut", he continued to unsuccessfully coerce the subdued crowd into drinking as heavily as he, himself planned.
"This guy was completely out of control," said Tom Lebonowski, Walker's client and racquetball partner. "Every time he quieted down, and you'd start to think he was too drunk to cause any more commotion, he'd pull you in close by the back of the neck and start rambling about how you should never trust a Samoan. Then he'd try to get you all pumped up about finishing the keg. No one else cared about the keg one way or the other. I just wanted to watch the game."
At approximately 11:30 p.m. Darvitz was loitering around the beer when Walker, encouraged by some of his guests, decided to ask Darvitz to leave.
"Listen, man. You're going to have to leave," Walker requested with a slight quiver in his voice.
"Are you a Samoan?" Darvitz responded through a Hawaiian punch-ringed mouth.
"I'm serious. I don't want to be a dick," Walker said, "but no one feels like getting that wasted."
Darvitz called Walker a "pussy" then said, "If any of you fuckers want to party, I'll be at the bar doing razor bombs."
After an initial and short-lived sigh of relief, it was the opinion of a majority of Walker's guests that the recently ejected Darvitz had acted as a smoke screen for a painfully dull party.
"This sucks," Lebonowski told local bar and grill manager, Stan Reynolds, "I'm going to the bar. There's no hot chicks here."
Reynolds concurred, and the pair exited the party after hasty goodbyes.
"He could have finished the keg," Walker said, "but I thought people were getting sick of him after he asked Leslie if he could flick her bean."
Those Oak Park parties... Posted: 8/5/2005by: Stick It took me back to that party I threw in the OP in the winter of '97. Still don't know who that guy was. Shirtless guy Posted: 8/2/2005by: BG I have never ever taken my top off at a party. I don't get the reference....Anyhow I am going to jack and then take a nap. gold Posted: 7/29/2005by: Bphats best artical i've read in weeks. I think I've met this guy on a couple occasions. Heck, i think i've been this guy on a couple of occasions. what a douche. Sadly.... Posted: 7/29/2005by: Scud I have been both the guy drinking the "Samoan Uppercut" and the guy hosting the lame party. Hilarious article....nicely done. Are you Samoan? Posted: 7/29/2005by: Cyrinius Nice Fear and Loathing reference. loved Posted: 7/29/2005by: julie loved the last line. Haven't heard "flick her bean" in a long time. aahhh memories. awesome Posted: 7/29/2005by: Jack Been that guy and hated that guy. Samoan Uppercut Posted: 7/29/2005by: YoMama That actually sounds pretty good. I do want to know what a razor shot is ...
Yeah, I've been that guy at the party before. I've also seen that guy get the living shit out of him a few times. Only once did it get so bad that anyone felt bad that it happened.
Funny article, by the way. Send the party guy over to the house of the fucker that wrote that Jigga article. And tell the party guy the fucker is half Samoan/half jewish. Pullitzer Material Posted: 7/29/2005by: Gordon Gekko Hands down, great work. Better than that piece of shit "Jigger" article. You have restored the Phat Pree reputation. GG, Rocky River The best Posted: 7/29/2005by: Wally I am proud to have even read that damn article. Best in a long time. Every one has had a " Larry" at there house before. The funny part is after you kick the "Larry" out no one ever takes responsibility for him as if he appeared out of no where with no invitiation. Thanks for the big laugh...just fucking great,
