Area car dealers and sexually active young males recently said that during the 2004 model year, the Pontiac Grand Prix finally edged the Chevrolet Cavalier as the vehicle of choice for cock fiend hoes. Before Chevrolet updated the body style of its economy sedan in 1995, mid-90s Toyota Camrys were the heavyweights among 16- to 24-year-old skanks. All that changed when fathers everywhere began shelling out $12,000 for the cute four- and two-door compact, giving young women nationwide a taste of freedom and the opportunity to please their boyfriends and whoever else they happened to pick up.
I tried to warn the dads, said Parker Chevrolet sales manager, Dale Frasier, shaking his head. Those cars are just too sexy for a young girl. Their hormones are already racing, and then parents go out and buy them a shiny, red dick target ... I mean come on.
Despite his warnings to fathers, Frasier said he was honored by General Motors in 1997 for closing the deal on more Chevy Cavaliers than anyone in the state.
I didnt want that award, Frasier said. I may have ate the black forest ham they gave me, but all the while I was thinking about the massive loss of virginity I had a hand in.
Frasier said he cant help but blame himself for turning a generation of new drivers into licensed skanks, and wishes he worked harder to convince fathers to steer clear of the Cavalier.
I know what happens. I had a dad in here threatening to pound me with a tire iron after seeing his precious daughter step out of her brand new Cavalier in a halter top and a thong hanging half way up her back. I believed him. Im sure she did leave the house in a sweater and jeans, but with the Cavaliers roomy center console, those little whores can store away a months worth of stripper outfits and change at the park.
The Cavalier, Frasier said, had a long standing reputation for turning new drivers out, but added, last year, things just got out of control.
After nine straight years as Car and Drivers cum dumpster, there was a new girl working the corner, and she had some horsepower. Late model Pontiac Grand Prixs were being snatched up faster than ever. More powerful than the Cavalier and carrying a less promiscuous reputation, the Grand Prix seemed like the perfect off-to-college car, but turned out to be no more than a mobile brothel for millions of young female owners.
Let's get it on
I dont think Ive ever not gotten any in a Grand Prix, said University of Illinois freshman Ryan McQueens. You can even tell how loose these chicks are by the crap they hang on their rearview mirrors. Mardi Gras beads? A lei from spring break in Cancun? Yeah, right, like this chicks not giving it up right there in her Pontiac.
McQueens recalled his Grand Prix-driving date for the Sigma Chi Omega barn dance, The Chi Who Shagged Me, barely let him out of her 2001 model with power seats and aluminum alloy wheels.
This chick was bananas for cock! She was a sophomore and I didnt know her that well. When she picked me up at my dorm, the first thing I saw was a high school graduation tassel and string of plastic beads hanging from the mirror. The second thing I saw was my own dick. She unzipped my pants and whipped it out the second I sat down, McQueens said. When we finally go tot the dance, she busted out some coke and we stayed in that turquoise Grand Prix until 3 a.m. I think her name was Dana.
Hank Grable owns three Pontiac dealerships in Central Indiana. He said his salesmen have had to forcibly remove teenage boys from his certified used car lots.
These horny high schoolers hung around all summer waiting for some young thing to buy a used Grand Prix. They thought they could get laid right after her dad signed the papers, Grable said. Ill be damned if most of em didnt though. One girl was about to go off to college, but her new used Grand Prix saw to those plans. Her baby was conceived right over behind the service center ... Lousy slut cars. We sell a ton of em though. Wouldnt let my daughter near one, Ill tell you that.
Since Cavaliers held the title of whore car for so long, the Grand Prix takeover has left many engineers, automotive manufacturers and economists wondering, Is there a formula for building a car that is popular with sluts? James DeVour, head engineer of Chrystlers concept department, says yes.
Ever since panties seemed to slide off when they came into contact with the drivers seat of a Chevrolet Cavalier, weve been working on a prototype, DeVour said. Unwilling to divulge any details about the slutty super car, DeVour did say to expect it to be making the rounds at the 2007 auto shows.
Until then, he added, with a smile, Its not like chicks dont beg for it behind the wheel of a Seabring.
Mazda Miata Posted: 12/11/2005by: J. O'Toole Sebrings are now fleet cars used by G-men like me - so watch out - (not like you can't be a fed and a slut, however - you know what they say about lady cops: nymphos, psychos or lesbos) The other choice for us was a Jeep Liberty, which you need a rainbow sticker, skirt and Birkenstocoks to operate.
My 16 year old niece just got a Mazda Miata. It wouldn't be so bad if she weren't a deadringer for Jenna Jameson. My wife and I are saving our kids' Baby Gap gear for nine months from now.
Hand-me down mini-vans are another insane choice for a teenager - one of my other nieces is driving one now...and her dipshit, redneck boyfriend just got back from Iraq...so it's time to start clipping the Pampers coupons. pure genius Posted: 9/13/2005by: MFK Brilliant writing, Ben, well done. sex car Posted: 5/28/2005by: johhny cash my 2004 silverado is the best, i have a bed with me at all times for when the time is right!!!! A little late, but... Posted: 5/25/2005by: Kassidy haha! My first car was a Sebring! Good times, good times. Actually just got rid of her about two weeks ago, have an altima now. Agree.. Posted: 5/13/2005by: James Russell I don't think the Dodge Neon or Eclipse are getting their due here. The funniest thing about these Posted: 5/10/2005by: Ryan comments for this paritcular article is that i would guess approximately 90% of these "studs" offering their two cents on slut cars have never been laid Overlooked Skankmobiles Posted: 5/10/2005by: JohnB I appreciate the valid points made in defense of your decision to crown the Grand Prix as the number one Skanktastic vehicle. But I'm afraid to say you may have jumped the gun on this nomination. There are several others that i feel were overlooked, thost that have seen their fair share of blowjobs, pink cell phones, and glittery thongs. Namely, the 2 door, 5 spd, blueish-purple, Honda Civic. Now factory settings alone, that will get your daughter knocked up, but throw on a spoiler, sorority letters on the back glass and heaven forbid a 2ft wide 'Honda' sticker on the front glass and you might as well pull your daughter right out of college and take her shopping for baby clothes. A few other vehciles i feel should have been mentioned: The Jeep Wrangler. 2 points must be made here. 1) girls are always going to or from a lake, pool, river (any body of water) and thus insist on driving in a bikini top. 2) when you buy a lifted jeep w/ removable doors and wear a mini skirt...well, you are just filling your role as skank. Toyota 4Runner. A stand out in the compact 2dr skank auto market but trust me, this car was designed for skanks. Daddys everywhere drop down $35k for a LImited 4Runner thinking this will keep there daughters safe on the road. Within 24 hours she has given her keys over to some fratastic college guy w/ his collar popped playing a Phish CD and the last thing she sees is a close up of the leather driver's seat between his legs. And of course the Mitsubisihi 3000GT, this car is only owned by strippers. NEVER ANYONE ELSE. If you ever see a guy driving one, motion him to the side of the road and ask which club his girlfriend works at...he'll tell you.
Don't Forget the VW Jetta Posted: 5/9/2005by: Jason It is a rare occasion to see a Jetta without an easy slut inside it. "High-Class" Slut Mobile Posted: 5/9/2005by: kyle Mitsubishi Eclipse. Just watch at who's driving these cars. They're ALWAYS sluts; If you're lucky, it will be obvious when you see the "ILUVDBLANAL" vanity plates. SO true. Posted: 5/7/2005by: Andrew Here in the midwest, it's well known that most sluts drive:
1.) Dodge Neon 2.) Chevy Cavalier 3.) Pontiac Grand Am/Prix/G6
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It should be noted that notrious sluts usually have furry steering wheel covers and/or seat covers. Usually I will sit in the bar parking lot and eye whos getting out of what car.. and then move in.
