Heres the thing: I was drunk, but I thought I had slickly slipped away without being detected. Unfortunately for me, Tucker must have some kind of sixth sense for weakness. He knew I was in the bathroom trying to fight off undrinking 10 hours of free beer. So he pulled me out of the bathroom, followed me outside, and then took pictures with his phone of me spilling expensive German beer on the sidewalk. Then he posted them on his website Thanks, dick.
My favorite part of the story is that when I came back inside, the bartender broad told me that next time I should let her know so they could clean up the bathroom. I gave her a confused look and walked back to our table. But even in my condition, I couldnt help but think, this bitch must be joking. First of all, I didnt throw up in the bathroom. Second of all, pour another beer you dumb harlot. If I throw up in your bathroom, youll find it the same way everyone else does: by getting your head snapped back by the heavyweight jab that is the pungent aroma of liquor, bile and half-digested food.
Anyway
Before meeting him, I had run across Tuckers site a several times over the years when friends would forward links to his stories to me. I enjoyed them, but I always assumed that it was just a guy taking advantage of the anonymity offered by the internet to embellish his life enough to make it interesting. Even the name Tucker Max sounds made up.
Now, having met him, I stand corrected. Tucker is for real, but maybe not exactly what youd expect. He is crass and cocky to be sure, but he's also sharp and deliberate. It's an odd mix of ridiculous college fuckup and smartest guy in the room. That's what makes him and his life interesting. It would be easy to dismiss his stories as the often-hilarious ruminations of stupid frat guy 10 years past his prime if he wasn't so smart or such a good writer.
The truth is he's more than just another guy who claims to unapologetically live by his own rules; they are a dime a dozen. The difference is he isn't lying, and that is all too rare.
The Phat Phree: I have no idea how to do an interview. You cool with that?
Tucker Max: You don't know how to drink either, and I managed that quite well. I think we'll be fine.
TPP: Fuck off. So how, exactly, does a graduate of the University of Chicago and Duke Law School end up telling stories about his drunken misadventures and sexual exploits for a living? Shouldnt you be making millions exploiting legal loopholes for some faceless corporation?
TM: I could be doing that, but then I'd also have a $1000 a day coke and hooker habit and beat my wife and kids in the Hamptons on the weekends that I see them. This way, I only punish my liver, and what good is a liver if you don't abuse it?
TPP: I worked with your editor (for the book), Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, when some of the Phat Phree writers contributed to the Save Toby book. Why does he have a hyphenated last name? I thought that was reserved for empowered women who wear slacks to work, and marry pussies who are cool with it when she decides his name isnt good enough for her.
TM: I KNOW--I dogged him about this for like a year. I think it's because he's from northern California; they think that shit is normal up there. He probably grew up knitting Alpaca sweaters and protesting against "blood diamonds" outside of the local Zales. People who care about things are funny.
TPP: So you are a goddamned New York Times Best Selling author now, congratulations. I know you initially had some reservations about publishing your book traditionally rather than self-publishing and selling it from your site. Is making the Times List vindication for you on some level?
TM: I don't know. Two years ago, I would have said yes, but revenge is a funny thing. Once you get it, it seems hollow because you have moved past that on to more important battles. Revenge for the sake of revenge is petty and flawed; I try to think strategically instead of just emotionally. And I like to jack off in front of a mirror. It makes me feel sexy and loved.
TPP: We both know that voices like yours almost always get diluted in the process of making them more accessible for the mainstream. Youve managed to avoid that to a large degree, but not without turning your back on a shit-ton of money. You walked away from a sitcom at NBC, and you turned down large advances at big publishing houses. If my math is correct that puts Pride above Greed on your list of favorite deadly sins- behind Lust, Gluttony, and Anger, of course. Have I got the order right?
TM: Right now, as I write this, I am drinking Beast Ice at a frat house at UVA; I don't even know what "Gluttony" means. Wait, I just drank like 10 beers in an hour, so maybe I do. You're such a pussy, I'll kick your ass, COME ON YOU FUCKING GUINEA BASTARD, I'LL KICK YOUR TEETH IN!
TPP: Lets get back to the drinking and fucking before we lose everyone.
TM: Way ahead of you brother. No bullshit, I am about to have sex with a slightly overweight girl with huge tits in my RV. By "slightly overweight" I mean "I pray to god no one sees me leave with her."
TPP: Both of my favorite stories in your book take place in Texas: The Austin Road Trip (where you are running through the lobby of a hotel shitting yourself and kicking it up behind you like a mud drag racer), and The Midland, Texas Story. Have you considered moving there for the good of your writing?
TM: I actually did live in Austin for like three months. It was pretty cool, but that place is way too small for me. Within a month all the cops knew who I was. I need a larger canvas to apply my paint.
TPP: Now, youve had sex with a lot of women, and possibly one post-op transsexual. Being the guy who has sex with lots of girls is a big part of the Tucker Max in your stories. Do you have any desire to get married and have a family in the future?
TM: I can see myself getting married, but I have to meet the right woman. She has to be hot, fun, smart, willing to subvert her desires and interests to mine but not be obsequeous about it, be emotionally stable and a rock for me to lean on while not really asking much from me, and be willing to let me fuck other women while she stays true to me. In other news, I also want to buy a unicorn and a leprechan! And they can be best friends with my wife!
TPP: You just wrapped up your book tour. How did it go, and how many college girls are walking around with your swimmers on/in them?
TM: The book tour went great. I actually got sick of pussy. Put that sentence under the heading "Things I never thought I hear a heterosexual male say."
TPP: Speaking of ropey loads, when you are on your third or forth session with a woman in one night do you ever pull a dribbler- you know, one of those unsatisfying cum shots that just drips out like a slow leak in a waterbed mattress?
TM: Of course. Who do you think I am, Peter North?
Im sure the readers wish I had some more questions, but frankly, having read most of your site and your book, I know more about you than my own family. And that is getting uncomfortable. As you are fond of saying, you are sweet, but you arent that sweet. Its time for the Phat 5 questions:
1. Greatest human invention: Beer or Vagina?
Humans invented vagina? I took a bit of biology and I don't remember that.
2. Who was the best Iron Chef?
Is it possible to answer anything other than Morimoto? (edit: Yes, actually. Nobu not withstanding, Iron Chef Sakai defeated Morimoto in the King of Tetsujin Tournament- with Sakai earning the perfect score of 100. Morimoto also lost a battle to Bobby Fucking Flay. Come on Tucker, you should know this.)
3. Whats the worst way to die?
As a failure.
4. The Bible: true or false?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am big fan of rigorous, empirical thinking. What do you think my answer is?
5. Whats the best Mortal Kombat fatality?
I just liked it when the computer would get fired up at you, and yell "FINISH HIM!" It was all anti-climatic after that.
To read Tucker's hysterical stories, check out his website: TuckerMax.com.
Are you telling me when Horatio Sanz does the 'its Carol' skit he's not funny? "I'm Carol!!!" Come on! This fat Mexican guy, playing a fat blonde chick whose a complete whore and a pig, that's hysterical. Not really funny Posted: 3/30/2006by: bob zany I have no moral complaint about this guy. I am not gonna slag him just cause I'm just jealous of how he lives, like alot of other people on here. My only complaint with this guy is---he's really not that funny. His writing is filled with candor, but simply lacks humor. I been to his site before, read some of his pieces, slightly been interested in reading more pieces but there is nothing really pulling me back for more & I realized it was cause he's really not that funny. It has nothing to do with his subject matter (which its seems would turn off alot of people)--he's just not funny, sort of like Horatio Sanz is just not funny. If you're going to write about the things Max writes about, you need to infuse some humor in there or its going to get old & uninteresting quick. Tucker Posted: 3/30/2006by: Emily I actually know Tucker Max. (Not biblically- I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole) Before he moved to NYC, he used to hang out with my group of friends when he wasn't in LA or on a tour, so I saw him at a party on average of once every couple of months for 2 years. I had read his website, and honestly thought as a staunchly feminist woman that I would hate him. But you know what? Tucker is just an average guy. The only way he gets women is through his noteriety- he's seriously painfully average. He just does really stupid shit and writes extremely well. Beyond that, he's really not that big of a deal. So, as far as the Tucker Max debate goes, who cares? Confused Posted: 3/28/2006by: Jus Hmmn. I personally take no sides in this Tucker battle. Sure his site gets more hits than ours, but they aren't the same people. We get traffic from him, he gets traffic from us and that has nothing to do with why we did the interview. We did the interview because we read some of Tucker's site and we laughed. We like to laugh. Laughing burns calories. It helps keep your face from getting wrinkled. And apparently it helps about 30K people who read this site daily get through their shitty miserable existences. But I wonder with all these negative comments why this article is rated so high? I believe the answer is that Tucker does have his fans, for better or worse. They may not exactly be a proud bunch, like his haters, but I'm personally more proud to say I laugh at Tucker's shit more than I will ever laugh at any member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. As for Blagg, he isn't biting the hand that feeds him. We gave him a platform to speak on and he did so. He has far more right to criticize this website having been a big part of it than anyone who is to pussy to try to write something. And though his other obligations keep him from contributing around here the way he used to in the past he will always be considered a Phat Phree Alum and always be welcome around these parts.
-Justin Harvey
PS Personally I love Tucker because he publicly exposed Charlie's attempts to Boot and Rally. Many I time have I seen Charlie throw his lunch across the pavement. From that Halloween back in 96 where he cover my boots and two city blocks in Jello shots and Wendy's to his bachelor party last year where he hurled a 200 dollar surf and turf dinner before we even got to the first stip club or anyone even bought him a drink. Thanks for getting the evidience Tucker. First time I've ever seen someone do any good with a .8 megapixel camera phone. A#1 Douche Posted: 3/28/2006by: mack10 Awesome...I'm your Punk Bitch of The Month, Champion Douche Bag...You better get back to work..those floors aren't gonna mop themselves. ....>>>...>>>>....>>>> Posted: 3/27/2006by: Pantsman I never heard of Tucker Max before, but after this article I'm fairly certain I hate him. I have a slew of ex friends just like him minus the women, once I hit 25 I couldn't stand their antics anymore.
This guys to me seems to represent everything writers at thephatphree hate. Put a fucking stripe shirt on tucker and he's that guy... Get this! Posted: 3/24/2006by: Champion Note to Mack 10. You are my official punk-bitch of the fucking month. No one gives a FUCKIN' SHIT' about YOUR thoughts, you two-bit little fuckin' turd! I want you to know that I personally shit on your face! I will rip your fuckin' lungs out, fill them with helium, and use them as balloons at your fuckin' funeral! You better hope I never find you, you fuckin' twerp! I will slaughter your fuckin' bitch ass! high comedy Posted: 3/21/2006by: Mack10 Note to Douchebags: NOBODY wants to hear your thoughts...on anything...
Please continue on with your mundane lives
fubu Posted: 3/20/2006by: deuce might be the funniest/ best analogy i've seen in a long time...
truth is, i was just busting your beans about the vh1 shit... congratulations.. as a fan, i'm just pissed that the frequency of your other contributions (blaggblogg & tpp) have suffered. (reading your thoughts on britney & jessica isn't cutting it)
No shit. Posted: 3/19/2006by: JDC I was in a bar shitter taking a leak at the urinal next to this guy (Tucker). I wouldn't have known him from a scrap turd, except he kept saying his own name to himself. It was him. The only thing I found funny was that he was so loaded, that he kept teetering back on his heels revealing, to my disgust, the most pathetically miniscule baby-penis I had never wished to have seen.
TM: I could be doing that, but then I'd also have a $1000 a day coke and hooker habit and beat my wife and kids in the Hamptons on the weekends that I see them. This way, I only punish my liver, and what good is a liver if you don't abuse it? 
