Fine, I'll just come out and say it: I'm giddy right now. Have been for days. March Madness and all it's gloriousness is upon us all. God I love women's basketball!
Just kidding. Aside from David Stern and his frustrating insistence on subsidizing the tragedy that is the WNBA; BIlly Jean King and her responsibilities as lesbian loyalist; and female offspring of liberal parents being brainwashed at an impressionable age into thinking women's hoops is actually a sport, NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH WOMEN PLAYING BASKETBALL.
For years I've lobbied our federal government to declare the Thursday and Friday of the first round of the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament a double-decker national holiday. Unfortunately, to no avail. What the fuck? The country shuts down anyway.
Since the feds have yet to comply with this request, I've decided to declare these two days my own personal religious holiday and take both of them off in observation of it. Kind of like how Frank Costanza created Festivus or some crazy black professor invented Kwanzaa.
Am I concerned about the repercussions of my actions? Absolutely not. In today's horrifying, counter culture-inspired, litigious society, no discrimination lawsuit-fearing corporation will dare challenge me on this. Besides, taking these days off is what every self-respecting dude, and all marry-able chickadees for that matter, should do.
Now, what I'm about to say actually sends a searing pain through my right testicle, but not everyone feels as passionately as I do on the March Madness front. (Yeeeeouch!)
We all have that person in our dorm, or office, or Alcoholic's Anonymous group, who's just not that into the NCAA tournament. These people baffle me. I feel that they're lost souls and essentially our country's modern day communists, spreading their evil propaganda by way of March Madness indifference. My only suggestion, because I make mad love, not beatings, is to ignore them; they're bad for morale.
(To play devil's advocate here, there's also that tool who practically skips into the bar on gameday, clutching his bracket and a fistful of colored pens. Don't be that asshole either. Just remember your picks, man.)
College hoops analysis has become big business - whether it comes in the form of screaming diarrhea nonsense from "Duke" Vitale's mouth, or from Digger Phelps who's chosen sartorial niche is oddly enough a matching highlighter and tie combo, or from that nerdy Bracketologist, Joe Lunardi, who sports a terrible indoor hat and couldn't bounce the rock twice in a row if there was a match being held to his wig - statistical analysis and prognostications have become so omnipresent and over the top that they've evolved into an unfortunate cacophony of white noise.
Until now.
Within basketball sanctuaries throughout the land, athletic departments continue to displace their previously well-seated alumni donors with rabid student sections that flank the playing floor. This is obviously done to foster a more intimidating environment for the visiting opponent. And it fucking works. But what this has also managed to accomplish, aside from alienating future sources of endowment, is reveal the true nature of that institution's student body...by putting its face on national television. Literally.
And in many cases, it ain't pretty.
Welcome to: THE NERD FACTOR.
Fuck momentum going into the first round; screw strength of schedule and/or conference; and absolutely disregard defensive and offensive efficiency. The Phat Phree has come up with a new way to predict the success of a university's basketball program.
Aside from the athletic talent playing on the court and the brains coaching on the sideline, the Nerd Factor is the single-most important determinant to the outcome of any hoops contest. Following this piece's virulent spread through the internet, there is no doubt in my mind that Vegas will begin incorporating some variation of it into its point spread models.
The Methodology
Nerds have been impacting collegiate basketball games for years. But lately, because of the aforementioned student section juxtaposition, it's become even more of a determining factor. What I have attempted to do is create a formula that captures the true essence of a school's nerdiness and ultimately reveals to us all which basketball programs have the most impacting Nerd Factor.
I have selected various data inputs, both tangible and intangible, that contribute to the most intimidating nerd atmosphere and ultimately, more wins by that school's basketball team. I implore you to not disregard this power of this phenomenon.
The tangible factors inputted into the Nerd Factor formula include the respective university's:
-Average SAT score -Acceptance rate -Alumni giving rate -U.S. News overall academic ranking -Five-year home attendance average -The basketball program's 25 year winning percentage
The intangible factors inputted into the Nerd Factor formula include:
-The prevalence of face painters -The coaching staff's geekability -The frequency of the insufferable "we" drop -The pep band presence (because everybody knows school bands are nerd cornucopias.)
(Twenty-Second Timeout: You know what I'm talking about when I refer to the dreaded "we" drop, right? This proclivity is a nerd fan favorite in any sport, any where, and it drives me fucking bananas. For example: "I'm sooo nervous, WE really have a tough game coming up this week." Or how about interrupting the suspense of a pivotal moment with "Come on team, I know WE can do it!" My personal favorite is the "we sandwich": "We're really beginning to come together as a team, aren't we?" Who's beginning to come together? Let's get something straight, YOU are not on the team, you horse's ass.)
In calculating the Nerd Factor, I created a model which assigned point values based upon where each school fell on the curve, ranging from 1 through 8 - one being the lowest score assigned and eight being the nerdiest - to each of the criteria listed above. Schools and their results were then sorted in descending order of their aggregate score, thus revealing our winners.
Lastly, during this quest for college basketball's greatest Nerd Factor, I chose to include only Division I programs and exclude the Ivy League.
Regarding the former, because D-1 is all that anyone cares about. If you're reading this and find yourself pissed at that declaration, you shoudn't have chosen to attend a D-III school in the NESCAC, where the crew team captain is the perenial Big Man on Campus.
Regarding the latter, while clearly the proverbial Bastion of Nerdville, including the Ivy League institutions in this analysis would've been like including Kurt Cobain or Scott Weiland in a "frequency of heroin-use amongst rock stars" study; clearly outliers and thus, a bell curve massacre.
Data and Results
Without further ado, the following is a list of the top ten universities, ranked according to the Phat Phree's College Basketball Nerd Factor:
#10 Syracuse University (29 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1220 Acceptance Rate - 59% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #50 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #2.4 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 68% Alumni Giving Rate - 20% Intangibles: Coaching staff geekability level is off the charts
'Cuse fans travel en masse. And this isn't just the Gerry McNamara effect. That clutch maniac simply intensified their passion. Upstate New Yorkers, despite sounding Canadian, are passionate fans of the ball sports. This passion spills over into the student body.
Statistically, the 'Cuse found their way onto this list because of their staggering home attendance figures and Head Coach Jim Boeheim and Assistant Coach/Stat Keeper Bernie Fine's collective geekability. I don't care if Boeheim's wife is inexplicably hot. He's still a fucking nerd. Throw in that annoying stand and clap 'til the team scores their first bucket tradition and Syracuse University managed to weasel their way into the #10 slot in amongst prestigious Nerd Factor peers.
#9 The University of Illinois (30 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1244 (converted from avg. ACT scores) Acceptance Rate - 68% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #42 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #10.6 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 65% Alumni Giving Rate - 10% Intangibles: "Paint the Hall Orange"
Coach Bruce Weber's geekability just might have had something to do with Illinois cracking the top ten. When he rocks that faggoty peach blazer he looks like he should be married to Pat Summit, Head Women's coach at Tennessee. But she's a big huge lesbian. Oh well. Pastel lovers everywhere can only dream.
The Fightin' Illini's nerd ranking was hurt by their embarrassingly high acceptance rate and frugal alumni donor rate. Apparently, by the time their cheap bastards for undergrads graduate, they forget to be grateful for being let into the school in the first place.
#8 The University of California at Los Angeles (30 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1295 Acceptance Rate - 23% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #25 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #50.8 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 69% Alumni Giving Rate - 16% Intangibles: A massive, imported nerd presence from the Pacific Basin. Yet another contributor to our nation's trade deficit. And uncomfortably large french horns in the band.
One thing I noticed when looking over the results of this study was that West Coast teams faired poorly versus the rest of the country. Could it be because the only thing people on the West Coast are passionate about is apathy? With UCLA's rich history of basketball success, it's really a tribute to their recent and horrific run on the basketball court that they didn't rank higher in this top ten.
#7 The University of Michigan (32 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1244 (converted from avg. ACT scores) Acceptance Rate - 62% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #25 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #34.2 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - Less than 60% Alumni Giving Rate - 13% Intangibles: Strong tuba section and a Krzyzewski-trained jedi nerd for a coach.
Don't sleep on Michigan just because they're in the Midwest. They house one the most pretentious and nerdy undergrad populations in the country. And the fact that their Head Coach, Tommy Amaker, played and then apprenticed at Duke University certainly helped their cause. They do have a nice thing going for them at home games in Ann Arbor these days. Too bad their hoops team still stinks though. I've got three letters for you: N-I-T. Suckas.
#6 Villanova University (33 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1260 Acceptance Rate - 58% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #1* NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #64 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 63% Alumni Giving Rate - 23%
* No silly, Villanova's #1 U.S. News Ranking is not in the National University category. It's in some other one that starts with the word "regional." Yikes. Therefore, I don't even really know what it means. Either do the undergrads, but they'll still brag to you about it. No school has a greater stink of unjustified elitism than 'Nova. The student section would chant "safety school!" in a game against Harvard and think nothing of it.
"V!!" for Villanova was the steadiest performer of the Nerd Factor top ten: decent academics, supportive alumni, relatively solid attendance and a respectable W/L %. They got it done. No frills, Vince Lombardi style. And lastly, Villanova may just have the nerdiest Greek scene in the entire country.
#5 Stanford University (34 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1460 Acceptance Rate - 13% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #5 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #86.4 Twenty-Five Yr. W/L Pct. - Less than 60% Alumni Giving Rate - 38% Intangibles: Please refer to below sentence.
Picture says it all, doesn't it? 'Nuff said. Words would only ruin this precious moment.
#4 The University of North Carolina (39 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1290 Acceptance Rate - 36% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #27 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #4 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 73% Alumni Giving Rate - 24%
To be honest, I'm kind of bummed that the formula put Chapel Hill in the top ten. I always thought them to be the antithesis to their Research Triangle rival's nerdiness. I feel like it's fourth grade again and I just found out, after a punch in the face on the playground, that Santa didn't exist. So disappointing. And SHUTUP, I know fourth grade was a wee bit late to believe in the jolly old guy. I blame my Mom. She was a sneaky good liar.
And to boot, Chapel HIll's girl to guy ratio is 7:3, or somewhere close to that absurdly wonderful breakdown. But the numbers don't lie. They bring the nerd.
#3 Georgetown University (42 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1375 Acceptance Rate - 22% 2006 U.S. News Rank -#23 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #58 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 69% Alumni Giving Rate - 33% Intangibles: Below average-looking cheerleading squads year after year.
"Hoya!" (pause) "Saxa!" And thus is crowned the lamest fucking student section cheer in the country. If you've ever heard and/or seen it in person, you probably blacked out from laughing-induced oxygen deprivation. Fucking nerds.
There's nothing sadder than 83 geeks from Georgetown's School of Foreign Service charging the floor after a big victory. They haven't had the opportunity to legitimately do so this decade, until they stormed the court earlier this year in dorkus euphoria after their Hoyas upset Duke. Must've been the JT III tshirts that inspired the players. Or maybe it's not that at all. Geezuz.
Remember last year when they charged the floor afer beating Notre Dame (who ended up stinking, mind you)? The nerds were promptly asked to clear the floor while the refs reviewed the final play. Is there a bigger buzz kill in sports? They vacated and then pitifully charged again after the Hoyas were officially given the victory. This stuff only happens to nerds.
#2 The University of Notre Dame (55 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1375 Acceptance Rate - 30% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #18 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #37.4 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 65% Alumni Giving Rate - 49% Intangibles: Huge face-painting culture, aggravating "we" droppers and a killer pep band
In Dan Dierdorf-speak, "is it safe to say" Notre Dame fans are the most annoying on the planet? Even though their basketball team was average at best the past few years, thanks to Mike Brea and his color spectrum-defying mock turtleneck collection, they managed to geek their way up to Nerd Factor bridesmaid status.
Strong academics and a fantastic alumni giving rate helped for sure, but it was the intangibles such as face painting and the "we" drop that got them to where they are on this list. If Lou Holtz comes back to coach the hoops team, they'd be poised to make a run at the current title holder for the title.
Speaking of the 2006 Nerd Factor Champions...
#1 Duke University (62 points)
Stats:
Average SAT - 1430 Acceptance Rate - 24% 2006 U.S. News Rank - #5 NCAA Avg. Five Year Home Attendance Rank - #49.2 Twenty-Five Year W/L Pct. - 69% Alumni Giving Rate - 45% Intangibles: ALL of them
Bashing Duke nerds is nothing original. Seriously, what's left to say on this topic? Hell, even their PLAYERS are nerds. Particularly those five white guys at the end of the team's bench every year. I'm convinced they're cloned in Coach K's laboratory of evil.
Do you really believe Wojo would've been as good of a player at a cool school like Georgia? Come on.
In every Nerd Factor category, except for attendance (which is beyond their control because of Cameron Indoor's size constraints), this university got it done. Even when it came to the intangibles, they Roy Hobbs'd it and knocked the cover off the ball. Coaching Staff's Geekability? Prevalence of Face Painters? The Dreaded "We" Drop?
To paraphrase Dukie Vitale, they are quite simply, Nerd Factor P-T-P'ers BABY! It's blowwwwwout city!!
Here's the remainder of the top twenty nerdiest college basketball fan bases:
Kentucky- The Wildcats had no chance to make this list considering they're the 120th ranked national university in the country. For those still counting at this point, that's exactly thirty spots behind the University of Denver. Geezuz. Apparently blonde hair if you're a girl, or a pulse if you're a guy, is all that's needed to gain admittance into this fine learning institution.
But even if Kentucky got its academics in order, don't look for them to make the Nerd Factor list anytime soon. Why? Two words, one reason: Ashley Judd. As everyone knows by now, she's their well-publicized superfan. Folks, you just can't get any further from nerdy than that.
Conclusions and Implications
At many points during this analysis, I wrestled with the appropriate weightings to assign to each and every input. Not until the final numbers were calculated did I finally come to peace with my rationale. And no, this isn't because the Duke's, Notre Dame's and Georgeotwn's of the world appropriately ended up on top. You don't need a complex Excel spreadsheet to tell you that these schools are overrun with huge fucking nerds.
Instead, it was the school that came in last place in the Phat Phree's Nerd Factor rankings, thus (I guess) making it the coolest college basketball school in the country. Any guesses as to whom it might be?
HAWAII.
OF COURSE IT IS. I now feel completely vindicated and content with this thesis.
contact: zjouman@hotmail.com 30000000원 가저가세요 Posted: 4/9/2006by: nhngame 제목 없음번개 입출금처리 NHNGAME.NET 가장 공정한 게임 NHNGAME.NET 박진감 넘치는 게임 NHNGAME.NET 신뢰도 최고의사이트 NHNGAME.NET 30000000원의 주인공은??? NHNGAME.NET NHNGAME.NET 게임동호회 평가 1위 NHNGAME.NET 날마다 포인트지급 NHNGAME.NET 가입축하금 지급 NHNGAME.NET 게임계의 지존 NHNGAME.NET
Notre Dame -- We Posted: 3/30/2006by: seamus "Dude, did you see the Notre Dame game last Saturday? We totally embarassed BC!"
"What do you mean 'we'? You went to Wisconsin."
"Yeah, but I'm Catholic." Villanovan Posted: 3/27/2006by: Mr. Irony Are you making a case for, or against, Villanova being on this list?
Cuz I really can't tell... Cal Posted: 3/26/2006by: Eric How can you not have UC Berkeley on this list??? Wisco at 20 Posted: 3/24/2006by: Franko I believe you can be the No. 1 party school and still have a heaping pile of nerds. Afterall, it is Wisconsin, and outside of casual sex and binge drinking, what else is there to do but study? A REMINDER....... Posted: 3/24/2006by: heavy THE HAWK WILL NEVER DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOWN WITH THE KITTENS!!!!!!!!! GO BC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOVA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! where is northwestern? Posted: 3/23/2006by: Dave why isn't northwestern on the list? that place is full of nerds You're an idiot Posted: 3/22/2006by: Villanovan In order to receive a national ranking, a school must have a minimum number of doctorate programs and lots of research. Regional rankings are for those schools that are larger and have more undergraduate and masters programss than a liberal arts school.
It's still extremely prestigious to be ranked on this list. And might I add that Villanova has the highest NCAA academic rating of any team in this year's NCAA tournament.
Our elitism is justified. Ask any of my extremely successful friends, as well as my parents and their extremely successful friends who also attended Villanova.
