It's better to be a guy. I've always believed that. I think this gender narcissism originated when I was eight and saw a girl cry after getting plunked in the ass during dodgeball. But I never really gave it any thought beyond that. Just sort of took it on good faith.
In today's world, one's expected to defend such controversial and arrogant proclamations. Therefore, it's high time this premise received a closer look. I'm not really out to try and prove what gender is superior, Bobby Riggs already failed miserably trying to do that for us. All I'm looking to do is provide some insight into why women are so batty. I have a feeling when I reach the end of this article, I'm not going to be so hard on them for being crazy.
The Bra Purchase Imagine going to the local TJ Maxx to buy yourself some new tighty whities and noticing that the sizes are no longer categorized as S, M, or L, but instead "Small Penis," "Medium Penis," and "Large Penis." Girls are reminded every time they buy a new bra into which class their chest falls. For the fortunate few, it's a delightful task. But for most, it's a horrifying reminder of how small their boobies really are.
Sex Volume Women are expected to be loud during sex, while men are just expected to give a courtesy grunt and make the bitter beer face upon climax. This has to be an unwelcome pressure.
Public Urination Guys can piss anywhere. And quite easily too. I once took a pee-pee while waiting in line to vote. Faked a cramp, got down on one knee and pretended to stretch out while emptying the remainder of my Gatorade bottle on the sidewalk for cover. It barely got a glance. Women; however, they need a facility. Unless they want to be that slob at a concert or keg party seen mooning the entire world while giggling uncontrollably towards her horrified friends.
Touching further on the bathroom facility situation, women once again find themselves at a severe disadvantage. Unless they want to get the Ebola virus from the toilet seat, it's squat city. Have you ever tried this? My legs start quivering before I get anywhere near the requisite ninety degree squirt angle.
Lastly, girls can waste half their night waiting in line for the bathroom. The humiliation of lining up like show ponies for the men whipping by them for a quick leak doesn't help things either.
Yeast Infections I really don't feel it's necessary to elaborate on this topic. In fact, I'd rather watch an infomercial detailing the intricacies of scrotal piercing than sit through one more Monistat commercial.
The Bathing Gear Quandry Men throw on a pair of waterproof shorts with built-in underwear and we're ready to go. And if we're fat or embarassingly hairy, we can leave on our tshirt, citing melanoma concerns. Women; however, have to basically parade around in a bra and panties. The best they've come up with to ease this necessary flesh exposure is a sarong. Unfortunately for them, wearing one of these elicits the same reaction a sorority chick with a sweatshirt tied around her waist gets: "she MUST be hiding something." While we're on the topic...
The Bikini Wax Yeeeeouch. Spreading your legs for a 93 year-old Korean woman wielding a bucket of hot wax with only forceful follicle destruction in mind makes me wonder why girls go to the beach at all.
The Jealousy Gene Ladies, you have it, accept it. And speaking of genetic inferiorities...
The Bad Driving Gene A frazzled soccer mom behind the wheel of a Ford Expedition with seven screaming kids in the back seat is Suburbia's own version of a WMD.
The Athletic Prowess-Lesbian Suspicion Correlation I've never seen a girl drain a three-pointer and not immediately fantasized that she has to LOVE showering with her teammates. When LeBron James throws down an alley-oop off the break no guy is thinking about asking him out for a refreshing champagne coolie.
Upkeep It takes me approximately thirty minutes to get ready; from the moment my toes are reluctantly withdrawn from their nest under the feathers to the time I walk out the door. And I'm an admitted pretty boy.
I once shared an apartment with a girl who took THREE HOURS to get herself into a viewable state. She'd go into the bathroom and come out one moonphase later having undergone a John Travolta to Nicholas Cage, Face Off-like transformation. And she was pretty.
The hair, the makeup, the shaving of everything but the soles of their feet and the palms of their hands, the eyebrow tweezing, the upper lip waxing....IT'S ENDLESS. The upkeep necessary to be a girl is utterly daunting. I can't believe agoraphobia isn't more prevalent amongst the female gender.
This picture makes me uncomfortable.
The Very Existence of the Douche Laughing too hard to type. The word "douche" alone absolutely kills me. However, the topic makes me very uncomfortable and if you ever happen to come across one, RUN. Remaining in the same neck of the woods (pun absolutely intended)...
Menstruation It freaks me out, man. As if hemorrhaging from a reproductive organ wasn't enough, this once a month nightmare is accompanied by cramps and bloating. It's pregnancy's equivalent to spring training. Or even the fire drill. The body is trying to prepare the woman in tiny doses for how miserable she's going to feel when she really is pregnant.
Barbie Men weren't expected to live up to the high standards set by Superman or GI Joe. Yet women are all expected to look like Barbie. And they try too. Silly girls, you'll tip over, it's impossible. But I like the way you're thinking. Keep it up with the silicone, bulimia and treadmill sessions. You're almost there. Giggle.
Gynecologist I was about to go into a lengthy diatribe about the Pap Smear, but decided that the male version of this probing: the Rectal Exam, is equally as horrifying. Therefore, let's call this one a stalemate.
Poopless Because girls don't poop (shutup, I firmly believe this), they'll never know the satisfaction of a good one. Boy are they missing out.
Thongs The very existence of these confirms that society is indeed run by men. I used to spend days on end Googling the inventor of the thong in the hopes of eventually showering him with gifts and praise. Then I realized he's probably some sixty-five year old Jewish pervert residing in New York's garment district. So I quit searching and still maintain the fantasy that it was Hugh Hefner.
The wedgie, quite possibly the most uncomfortable feeling from grade school yesteryear, is what most women have to walk around and deal with on a daily basis. I find that fascinating.
The "Ho" Versus "Stud" Conundrum I sleep with four women in a weekend and I'm a God. A girl sleeps with more than two in a year and she's known as the village bicycle. I once had a vicious rumor circulating about me a few years back that I was a giant man-whore. The year that followed its propagation yielded a copious bounty of women proffering their services, all trying to find out what the buzz was about. Pathetic lemmings.
Bachelorette Parties Guys go to Vegas, gamble like fiends, drink like friars, and go to strip clubs as if they were sex addicts. Women go to an 80s bar wearing penis pops and t-shirts that proudly display their scavenger hunt achievements, such as: "picture of gorgeous guy with red hair" or "kiss on cheek from black man." Blowout. Not even close.
Bridesmaid Dresses Has any woman in the history of weddings ever looked good in a bridesmaid dress? If you happen to see one, immediately whisk her from the aisle to the altar and make it a 2 for 1 wedding, because she's the hottest woman on earth.
Peach, purple and ruby-red taffeta abound, watching these monstrosities run around the reception dance floor is one of my favorite wedding pastimes.
Baby Showers "Awwww, look how cute that jumper is...and a matching rattle to boot!"
"Maybe it's the mimosa's talking, but that may just be the most adorable quilted blankie I've ever seen."
"Engraved pewter plates! Oh Betty, you shouldn't have."
Lame. Lamer. Lamest.
Oh Lord, please help them. I beg of thee.
I'd be interested to hear some other differences/advantages to aid in my research.
dame ragnall... Posted: 12/14/2005by: chris shut up and get back in the kitchen, i dont see dinner on the table yet. good on ya Posted: 9/9/2005by: Joe I have to commend Dame Ragnall on her comment, made me laugh even a bit more than the article did! try being a woman Posted: 7/8/2005by: Dame Ragnall Try being a woman who has to put up with Diva-like men who take up more time in the bathroom than we do. If we have a job, we take less time than you think. I power shave in the shower while I cleanse my ass and wash my hair. The results are the same as if you had taken three hours to go from hideous to tolerable. I'm with Velocity on some of your points. Ever hear a woman take a fully loaded garlic sausage-from-the-night-before shit? No, because we wait till we kick your asses out the door after we get our last kicks from you in the morning. Waxing: I know of men who have to wax everything! Their backs for one. I can't imagine the torture they have to endure. I have also known men to shave their nether regions as well. Sex Volume: I don't know about the rest of the girls who read this, but if it's not good, I don't make so much as a squeak. If I get asked, "Was it good for you?" I say, "Go practice on your blow up dolly a bit more." The Bra Purchase: Hell, if it doesn't fit and is too snug, nothing like a tight sweater to even out the bumps. Public Urination: If you were once a girl scout, you know how to defeat the squatting;) Yeast Infections: Men get them, too. Just like they can contract Gonnorrhea, chlamydia and other STD's. To think you are immune is complete ignorance. Bathing Gear: We don't NEED to wear thongs, but if we're looking for some Spring/Summer fucking, we know how to get attention! Jealousy Gene: You know too many fucked up and insecure women. Look within yourself and do some internal housekeeping to attract the right woman. Not everyone (including men) have that gene. The Lesbian thing: I am almost convinced that any woman who plays a sport and sticks around for the shower is a dyke. Bad Driving Gene: Most vehicle accidents are caused by cataract-ridden seniors. Look up the statistics. You see a senior tag in their window, or even a handicapped (and you wonder why, DUH!) sign in the window and you know who to look out for! Young male punks are the worst for driving, especially drag racing to impress some floozy who would drop him for the winner. Thongs: Nah, they weren't invented by men, they were invented by a crafty woman who, once again, knew how to get men's attention. See, men are simple creatures and are very easy to figure out. The Douche: Oh, if women could only be so lucky to have a man who would douche his sweaty, will-knot matted hairy ass before crawling into bed. Some days the smell is more unbearable than fermented toe fungus. Tho Ho vs. Stud: Terminology created by an insecure (and jealous) male who got thwarted by a hot chick. Menstruation: One way for a woman to assert that she is the superior race. What other mammal can bleed for a week and not die? Bachelorette Parties: Never been to one, though I am having my own next month. The ones I have witnessed in a bar are less sedate as the male stags I have witnessed in a bar. I have seen men weraing togas, but the woman are nasty! They will flash their tits and spray whipping cream on them for a buck! We got you beat. We know how to bring home the dough. Barbie and Ken: Geez, if men weren't so daft as to not get the fucking hint, more men would have a kick ass body like Ken and GI Joe! You don't see many portly men with hot women, do you? HMMMM... Bridesmaid Dresses: If the Bride was smart enough, like me, to get a Matron of Honor instead of bridesmaids, then they wouldn't show up the bride! LMAO Baby Showers: Had one and was told my son had jaundice. Wrecked the whole fucking party cause I shut it down and got him to the hospital. Found out he had to be under the ultra-violet lights for 48 hours. Not fun. I thought he just had a great tan! Lord, please help the pitiful men of this world. Obviously you are a woman or you would not bestow such blessings on us. I sometimes wonder what your true intention is when we have to put up with unevolved men. In time, we will not have to subject ourselves to non-dominant genes and just but who is that for Posted: 7/5/2005by: langston I can only speak for my self but those things that you named automatically turn me off a girl. If we are honest with ourselves as men we always fall for the tomboy, ie... Cameron Diaz. I love the girl who is comfortable in a t shirt and jeans and can name the starting defense for the 85' Bears. The girls u talk about r fun to play around w/ but when it comes to settling down id pick the tomboy everytime. RECTAL RELUCTANCE Posted: 6/26/2005by: Woman Women get rectal exams too. Might as well give us the shocker to get it all done at once. Crap Posted: 6/24/2005by: Velocity 1- Women do poop 2- We do go to Vegas for our bachlorette parties and gamble like fiends, drink like friars, and go to strip clubs as if we were sex addicts 3-Thongs are not uncomfortable 4- As for the Stud vs. Slut - some of us just don't care what society has to say about it. 5- Men get jealous too. 6- Sex volume - does who are extremely loud are probably just faking it so that the man can finally get off - and does who don't get loud just aren't willing to fake it.
Hey Ella Posted: 6/23/2005by: Gavin Yeah, that was me and my bros that you met at the Union St Fair. Too bad we missed you at North Beach last weekend - we were in rare form after some Jager bombs at North Star. Tell Tiff to stay home if she can't party with rockstars like me and my boys.
Well, gotta jet... time for some lines in the men's room to get me through the day.
We'll be at Balboa tonight girl. .. Posted: 6/23/2005by: bryan Not sure I ever had an A-game. I once get a ticket from the Dept or fish and game...does that count. Sounds like Gavin and Chip got you covered Ella. Keep your drink in plain view at all times Hey Gav Posted: 6/23/2005by: Ella I will lose you in the sea of pink Polo's and popped collars. You might want to go with striped Facconable. Wait a minute.. I think I know you... yes,yes its all coming back to me. I saw you at the Union Street Fair! I am so silly. You and Chad and Skip are such funny guys! Next time, I advise against riding that cable car, however. Tiff really thought you guys were douche bags.
You're cute :) (wink)
A game..it's on Posted: 6/23/2005by: Gavin Matrix on Fillmore...I'll be there with my boys Chad & Skip... look for us with our pink polos (collars popped of course) drinking Amstel and Jager shots. We'll definitely have our A game.
