Every high school has a Yearbook Committee. It's an after-school gathering of senior class members and is invariably comprised of dedicated nerds whose "Activities" column are annoying two thousand word essays.
Regardless of its composition, this group inherently wields the power to predict. They decide the fate of graduating class members in the form of the dreaded "Most Likely to..." awards.
Take the above Dirk Diggler impostor as a prime example. In 1969, sporting freshly Prelld hair, a gorcheees rayon necktie and a burnt siena button-down, he was voted:
"Most Likely to...stop and feather his middle-part with an unbreakable pocket-comb on the set while filming a porn scene."
Hey, everyone has a destiny. But history's most insightful yearbook forecasts have focused on the more felonious of pursuits. Specifically, the following men in sport were voted by their fellow classmates Most Likely to...Commit a Homicide:
(Twenty-Second Timeout: This list is similar to one of those bad karma-generating Death Pools. However, in this specific pool of people, instead of most likely to die, it's most likely to KILL. Have you ever accidentally stumbled upon your best friend's jerk-off sock? Horrifying, right? Well, running into one of these guys can be just as traumatic.)
Bela Karoyli - How many unfortunate, little lollipop kid gymnasts do you think they'll find buried under Belas version of Neverland Ranch? Yeah, laugh it up now. Cry with their families later.
Jim Brown - He's always been an angry fella, but with Kanye West and the Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton getting the black community all riled up over Hurricane Katrina, I think Jimmy boy is bout ready to dust off his old Syracuse lacrosse stick and beat down the nearest cracker he sees.
World Series of Poker - I'm not going to say which player I think it's going to be, because I think theyre ALL shady degenerates, but somebody's gonna pull a gun at one of these tournaments.
Davis Love, III - Maybe it's the smug look perpetually plastered on his face, or maybe it's that he walks like he has a sterling silver spoon up his ass. The bottom line is that I don't trust Davis. I'm convinced one day out of the blue he's going to invite the gas meter reader in for coffee then brain him with a golf club just to see what it feels like.
Lawrence Taylor - The victim won't be anyone important. Most likely a battered crack whore found in a room at the Secaucus Red Roof. She'll be draped in a Theisman game jersey, of course.
Allen Iverson - Thug factor is high. I repeat, thug factor is HIGH. Iverson is likely to snap off a few hollow points at a rap album release party and kill the little girl who's there only because her daddy is a record exec. Either that or he's going to execute the waiter at his favorite postgame haunt, T.G.I.Friday's, when the wingies he ordered arrive without enough hot sauce.
Lawrence Phillips - More specifically, Lawrence Lamond Phillips, the former Nebraska Cornhusker, St. Louis Ram, Miami Dolphin, San Francisco 49er, Barcelona Dragon, Florida Bobcat, Montreal Alouette, Calgary Stampeder and most recently, a Southern California pickup-football participant. The sands of time are slipping through the glass, granule by granule, until the inevitable moment when this crazy fucker snaps and flat-out offs somebody. Why not? Hes already tried on several occasions.
Athletes aren't the only ones in sport with a propensity for homicide. There are a few coaches from whom everyone should keep their distance:
John Chaney - The key question with Chaney is whether or not he'd contract out one of his thug Temple players to do the wet work for him. It's all in the eyes and Chaney's got murder written all over his peepers.
Barry Switzer - Ticking time bomb. Remember when he was arrested at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport with a loaded revolver in his carry-on? Switzer said he wanted to keep the gun away from some young children who were visiting in his home. So he threw it in his travel bag. Yeah, ok guy.
Bob Knight - This hemorrhoid flares up without warning. Bobby Knight is EVEN MONEY to get into a heated argument during a hunting trip, explode into rage on his buddies and then blow their heads off. Actually, I wouldnt be the least bit surprised if it was his son Pat.
Mike Kryzweski - Pure evil. I've always believed that Coach K sold his soul to Satan for Blue DEVIL success. And if youve got no soul, whats stopping you from taking someone elses?
Jim Tressel - This creepy circus midget is the only guy who approaches Coach K on the perceived evil-meter. Sweater vest-wearers have always scared the living shit out of me. And Tressel wears red ones too. They're extra spooky.
Gene Keady - Just going with my gut on this one. Have nothing really tangible other than that he has furniture varnish for hair. That and his gnome-like facial contortions really freak me out.
Getting back to the athletes
Mike Tyson - For Jesse and I are the masters of the obvious. It's an insult to your intelligence even mentioning this no-brainer candidate. However, it's necessary as this list strives for comprehensiveness. Moving on...
Milton Bradley - Actually, I can't believe Milton hasn't off'd someone already. Does anyone else think it's ironic that he's named after the manufacturer of The Game of Life board game? Giggle. I'm willing to bet that the first word ever to come out of that little girl in the front row's mouth will be "C-R-A-Z-Y."
Dwight "Doc" Gooden Good Lord Doc, youre wasting away into a J.J. Walker stunt double. Well, if they ever do a Good Times movie, at least we know Docll be gainfully employed again. I knew there had to be repercussions from all those drugs he pumped into his body. He'll crack at some point. (Yes, that lame pun was absolutely intended).
Leonard Little - AGAIN. As I'm sure you know, Lenny plead guilty to manslaughter in June of 1999 after getting behind the wheel of his Lincoln Navigator legally drunk, running a red light, plowing into a much smaller car and ending the life of its driver.
Ryan Leaf - Can't say I blame him. He was picked second behind Peyton Manning in the NFL draft. Peyton had 49 touchdowns last year. I heard Ryan threw 49 tantrums. The only draft Mr. Leaf is participating in these days has a $100 entry fee and an internet password. So much potential, so little productivity.
Kevin Brown - He punched a concrete wall with his pitching hand. That's one potent temper cocktail. I just pray that it's Matsui who ends up with the chalk line around his limp frame. Why? Have you ever seen Matsui in High Def? Holy fuck. Now that baseball games are broadcast in HD, I'm forced to watch in a state of perpetual nausea whenever the Yankees are playing. Every Hideki at-bat should be preceded by a disclaimer warning the audience of his imminent appearance.
Lastly, the following men had more specific murderous prognostications bestowed upon them by their high schools Yearbook Committee:
Rafael Palmeiro - "Most likely to kill his wife and pin it on someone else in a cowardly fashion."
He already hurled Miguel Tejada under the bus on that B-12 thing. He lied to Congress (not that we think thats such a horrible thing). Raffy is capable of absolutely anything at this point. If hes smart, though, he'll blame someone other than the popular Tejada if his wife comes up dead. How about Brady Anderson?
Bill Romanowski - "Most likely to kill a man with a Radio Raheem-style chokehold over something trivial."
Romanowski is capable of doing something awful and not remembering how or why it happened. I can see his quote outside the arraignment: I was at GNC, I was reaching for the last container of Creatine on the shelf, this guy cut in front of me and took it everything after that was a blur.
Charles Oakley - "Most likely to pummel a man to death over a gambling debt."
Dont play Tonk with the Oakster if you value the health of your person. But if you decide to press your luck, dont lose. Just ask Tyrone Hill, who still has Oakleys handprint on his hideous face from a bitch-slapping over a debt that T-Time apparently did not pay in a timely fashion. Oak-Town will fuck you up. Pay him, bitches!
Albert Belle - "Most likely to remorselessly run over some kids in his SUV for tee-peeing his house."
Hed keep backing over em until they were reduced to lawn fertilizer. But to ABs credit, he would immediately turn himself in afterward. He called the cops on himself the first time he tried to turn his SUV into a murder weapon. No really, his exact words were: Youd better get someone down here quick, because Im about to fucking kill somebody. ABs a crazy em-effer, but hes stand-up crazy. He dont try and hide it.
Ozzie Guillen - "Most likely to skull one of his own relievers with a baseball bat."
We can easily see Ozzie braining, say, Damaso Marte after a rough outing, and readily owning up: Da Tigersss don kill my relieverssss. I kill my fowking relieversss. Iss MY fowking bullpen.
Kenny Rogers - "Most likely to drive a drive a truck filled with explosives into the New York Post building."
Kennys ERA while pitching for the Mets and Yankees is almost a full point above his career mark. Also, when pitching for teams with NY on their caps in the postseason, Kenny is 0-3 with a 9.47 ERA and one NLCS-losing, bases-loaded walk. Clearly he has issues with the city of New York. We already knew Kenny had a problem with the press. So where better than the Post building, home of the filthiest of all the New York tabloids, for Kenny to exact revenge on his tormentors?
Dave Wannstedt - "Most likely to incinerate Ricky Williams then doob his ashes up in rolling papers and smoke them in tribute."
You know, Wannstedt and his crooked mustache could still be going 10-6 and missing the playoffs every year down in sunny Miami. Instead, hes up at Pitt, and well, hes getting his lunch handed to him. From winning in the AFC East to losing in the Big East, in one year. Whose fault is this run of shitty fortune? The crooked mustache knows.
Manny Ramirez - "Most likely to run over a street person and drive around with the guy stuck to his grille for three days without noticing."
Kind of like when Clark W. drove for miles with Aunt Ednas pooch leashed to the bumper of the Griswold family truckster. Oops. Oh well, thats just Manny being Manny. Hes so oblivious! But he mashes!
Sean Salisbury - "Most likely to throttle John Clayton."
Salisbury has the habit of talking as if he was some kind of bad-assed linebacker back in the day. Hes created an alternative reality in his mind where he really was a blood-and-guts type of player. And one dayone daytired of being sassed constantly in front of millions, Clayton will calmly and quietly say, Sean, the fact is, you played quarterback at US-fucking-C, and you spent more time wearing a Zubas hat than a helmet for your entire NFL career. So shut the fuck up, bitch.
And when that happens itll be on.
Ron Artest - "Most likely to smoke any motherfucker that gets in his way."
This one needs no explanation. Oh, by the way, the new Allure CD is in stores. Go get it. Its hot.
Godspeed.
-Special thanks to Wacko Jacko from the Electric City for his insightful contributions to this piece.
Jesse Lamovsky also made massive, vital contributions to this piece. Or so he claims.
WATISWRONGWITHYOUPPL Posted: 11/5/2005by: caringfriend :) hi Mad Max Posted: 11/3/2005by: Dylan B. What about ol' Vernon Maxwell?
Even crazier than that Fuck Mel who played The Original Mad Max, this coke-snorting, fan-socking, shot-calling motherfucker is liable to pop up in the news any day now.
And you know that when he does, the phrases "moutain of cocaine", "sudden outburst", "negligent homicide" and "traumatized young white women" will be peppered throughout the report.
Fucking crazy, this guy. Then again, how many athletes AREN'T? matthew barnaby Posted: 11/2/2005by: chimmy changa "most likely to rape you momma, kill you're father and skull fuck your brother...and still be smilling afterwards" Major miss... Posted: 10/31/2005by: C.Whyte What ever happened to...
Terry Tate - Most likely to lineback the shiz out of the n00b suckaz in the office... TO DEATH! A few others Posted: 10/21/2005by: DK Charles Barkley Barry Bonds ("Back off or I'll snap!" he sanpped at reporters after losing Game 7,of the WS) Gary Sheffield Kobe Bryant(I think he's capable.If he got away with rape,he could think he could get away with homicide) OJ ( Too obvious,but it will happen again ) Dennis Rodman (Surprised it hasn't happened yet) Terrell Owens (Already has the ego to believe that he could get away with it) Reggie Jackson (A little known story - when OJ committed his murders,an anonymous friend said "That's strange - I always thought it would be Reggie") Dave Parker (Childish egomania) Aaron Pryor Roberto Duran Hector Camacho ("macho" in the gayest sense,of course,but I digress....) Ray Lewis (If he got away with being a witness and accessory to a murder....) Deion Sanders John Salley (Just watch that hideous,anti-White show of his) Keyshawn Johnson
MISSED A BIG ONE Posted: 10/20/2005by: Stacey What about Bill Cower? He always looks a bit psycho! I Was Going to say, "Kevin Mitchell" Posted: 10/19/2005by: Tom A but thought better of it.
Mr. Mitchell, I am most definitely NOT saying you should be put on this list. Just put the cat down, and you can have a beer while I sprint away from here until I collapse. Please? Kevin? A note on Milton Bradley Posted: 10/18/2005by: Jim He is actually Milton Bradley Jr. His father was a crackhead who snuck into the hospital after his mother (who wanted nothing to do with him) gave birth, and proceeded to sign the birth certificate and named him Milton Bradley Jr. If that isn't a way for a total nut to start life, I don't know what is. Sorry Posted: 10/17/2005by: Jesse L. If y'all didn't enjoy the content today. We do our best. Tomorrow is another day.
BTW, Damien- we had John Rocker on the list originally, repeatedly shooting a journalist. I removed him simply because I felt the reference was a little dated. But he was on our thoughts. Owned Posted: 10/17/2005by: Bosco Owned: A.C. Slater
Owned by: Zach Morris
Zach always got what A.C. wanted Kelly K, the school, and an hj from Mr. Belding in a gorilla costume!!
