In recognition of Major League Baseball's opening month and the 4,382,495 new Red Sox "fans," I'd like to focus on the classification of sports fan traditionally dubbed the "Bandwagoner." This is a frustrating topic to debate because it's completely subjective - not anymore.
The second-class citizen that is the Bandwagoner is a shallow soul who sees nothing wrong with professing love for a team who has no identifiable ties or obvious reasons for affection other than that they are quite simply, at the time, successful. Rooting for the perennial victor is like cheering on the heartless and emotionally void Metermaid while she's barely acknowledging the flailing victim whose car is being towed away. It takes no character; no thought.
Successful sports franchises spanning the globe inherently maintain an inordinate amount of Bandwagoners counted amongst their fan base. I guess it comes with the territory, but it's still tough to swallow. It's as though you and your friends discovered an awesome bar in your neighborhood and became committed regulars for years. If pints consumed were equal to equity, you'd each have owned a hundred thousand shares of the company.
Then, all of a sudden, the bar gets written up on Citysearch as the hippest spot in town. Next thing you know there's a bouncer that makes Michael Clarke Duncan look like a pussy pointing and laughing at you from behind the red velvet rope.
I never would have thought the Boston Red Sox would find themselves included in this exclusive club, but it's happened. These days, walking down any street in Manhattan, you can expect to see one Sox lid for every Yankee hat. There's more catty glare exchanges taking place than on a Fashion Week runway. Occasionally you'll see a Mets hat, but it's usually resting atop a homeless person's melon who has no clue who the Mets are. Can't say I blame them. Not even Seinfeld could build up this pathetic fan base.
Why? One word: Queens.
In an attempt to formalize the process of identifying Bandwagoners, I have come up with a series of "if" statements. Tests if you will. They are various clues that will assist you in identifying this horrible class of people. If any combination of two or more of the below-described situations occur when watching a sports "fan" in action, then congratulations, you've successfully identified a Bandwagoner.
Upon doing so, I encourage taking whatever action you feel is necessary because, despite what your neighborhood police officer will tell you, felonious acts upon and unto a Bandwagoner have no precedence of conviction in the U.S. criminal justice system. I suggest a freezing beer dumped over the head and a light beating with your souvenir bat.
[Editor: I suggest a vicious beating and permanent disfiguring of said souless front-running shitbag.]
If the suspect is wearing a replica jersey so fresh from the assembly line that you can still smell the sweat and tears of the nine-year-old Malaysian girl that stitched it.
I have a feeling his passion is rather sincere.
If the suspect is irrationally exuberant in cheering for the teams star player, specifically by name. But when a lesser known member of the squad does something exceptional, this said fan goes suspiciously quiet and answers his wife's inquiries with a whispered "I don't know his name, look up #42 in the program. Hurry up goddammit or you'll get another backhand like the one I gave you this morning." (Front-runners are known to beat women due to their MASSIVE insecurity.)
If the suspect asks the person next to them why "so and so" isn't playing today, despite the common knowledge that this player was traded during the off-season.
If the suspect leaves the stadium even though there remains a mathematical possibility that the final outcome can still change. If you go so far as to call them out on it, they'll surely retort with their desire to beat the traffic. How does it feel to be lied to?
If the suspect openly expresses dismay when "their team" begins to run up the score. Deep down, in places no one likes to talk about, no true fan ever sincerely roots for his team to respectfully allow a game to end when they could really pour it on an opponent. They may say this to come across as a good sportsman, but it's a fallacy. It's kind of like when someone says they actually prefer to be really busy at work because it makes the day go by faster. Stop it you big douche bag, no one's buying the Puritan work ethic bit.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: While we're touching on the topic of annoying fan habits, raise your hand if you find it excruciating to hear someone begin any sentence about their team with the word "we?" For example: "We really have a tough game coming up this week." My personal favorite is the "we sandwich": "We really came together as a team last night, didn't we?" Hold up. Who's beginning to come together? Let's get something straight, YOU are not on the team, you horse's ass.)
Now there are some instances where rooting for a team from a place other than your hometown is acceptable:
Acceptable bandwagoning would be jumping on the proverbial wagon as a youngster and STAYING on the wagon FOREVER. If this level of bandwagoning can be executed properly, it can actually garner respect. Picture me as a little tyke sitting Indian style, (whoops, sorry to all you left-wingers out there, I meant cross-legged) in the family's TV room, donning a pair of one-piece, Winnie the Pooh flannel pajamas and watching the Cowboys go on to win Super Bowl XII.
Can I be blamed for telling my friends on the playground the next day that I was Roger Staubach in the pickup game? These are the allegiance-forming years and as long as this tyke stays the course, remaining faithful through those inevitable down times, for example, the abominable 1-15 1989 season, my bandwagoning is deemed acceptable.
(Author's Confession: I intended to discuss Jimmy Fallon, Drew Barrymore, and their movie Fever Pitch at some point in this piece. However, every time I attempted to start, I began convulsing, my eyes rolled back in my head, and I swallowed my tongue. I had to put a stop to it. One thing I do want to pass on to you is that I hope the unfunny Jimmy Fallon dies on top of Drew Barrymore's already decomposing cleft palate.)
The Proper Response Posted: 6/9/2005by: ceeg The sox have given this yankee fan yet another reason to hate them - their hand in this epidemic bandwagoning. If one more stupid red sox hat-wearing moron says to me "nice hat." or "too bad about last year." I may puke. Usually, I just respond by asking the idiot if he remembered to take the tag off of his hat before he came out. Regardless, until the Cubs win a series, these douchebags are here to stay. Thorough as the author's "if"s were, I must add a few -- while mainly geared at sox/yankee fans, some apply elsewhere as well. - if you didn't have mixed feelings about Boggs wearing the pinstripes. Even though he came through Tampa, we know secretly he was sweating so bad in Florida wore a BoSox jersey underneath. - if you wear a pink, green, purple, rainbow or any color hat for "your team". If the players don't wear that color, neither should you. - if you have to ask what "YES" is. - if the only stat you can bust out is 1918 AND you don't know the significance of 1920. - if you don't know which current yanks have all of the rings - without checking espn.com
And so on, and so on. To those who start liking one of the most oft-bandwagoned teams like the Yanks, Sox, Cubs, etc. - there's nothing to say that you don't have every right to be a fan. You've gotta sweat through a few before you can be die-hard. EVEN MORE ON "WE" Posted: 5/19/2005by: Ev Well Earl dear, though you aren't a member of the US military, you do seem to live in the US, correct? The fan is not a member of the team, their manager, or in any way a part of the team. If he/she was, then it would be acceptable for them to use the term "we". Awesome dude Posted: 5/19/2005by: Erkki I think it's okay to root for a team not from your area if you inherit it from your dad. Let's say your dad is originally from Philadelphia, and then he moves out to California for college. So you might be born and raised in California, but if all you knew growing up was Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, and Flyers, then I think it's okay to be a fan of that team, as long as you don't ditch them during the lean years.
Also, what if a favorite college athlete joins a team, is that okay? Let's say you are an alumnus of the University of Tennessee and really didn't root for any particular NFL team. So in the mid-90s you become a Peyton Manning worshipper. When he went to the Colts, I think it's okay to become a Colts fan. But then you have to stick with them after that player leaves. ? Posted: 5/19/2005by: ScarlyJones didnt we all have to "Start" liking a team "sometime"?? Its ok to take an interest in a team thats now doing well. Maybe the team was just off your radar until they started drawing attention to themselves by winning all of the sudden. As long as you REMAIN loyal. Its the jumping OFF the bandwagon that pisses me off. WE?? Posted: 5/18/2005by: John Swint Gotta disagree with the comment about not being able to say "we". Fans identify with their teams and it's a lot easier to say "we" than to call your team by their proper name every time. Everything else about the column was right though. Especially the response about the Cubs bandwaggoners. The Cubs finally make it to the Playoffs once in about 15 years, and I've never seen so many people coming out of the fucking woodwork. There's all of a sudden Cubs fans all over Houston talking shit about the Astros. And as for "Disagree" who wrote the "Hurrah to the Sox" column, where the hell does the Astros shit talking come from. What did we ever do to deserve your scorn. And no we haven't always sucked, we've made it to the playoffs 5 out of the last 8 years... not too bad for a middle market team. Chicago's gay Wrigley Sucks Go Astros... next year BANDWAGONERS: People who change their team more often than their shorts! Posted: 5/16/2005by: Flare Throwing Inter-Ultra The Bandwagon is the scourge of every team sport the world over brothers, Football (I know you Yank's call it Soccer, but you've got no right. American Football involves throwing the ball not kicking it) Bandwagoning is big business. This years Bandwagon team is Chelsea, but Real Madrid, Manchester United, Arsenal are always popular among the middle class prats who want to spend their easily earned cash on feeling like they are "part" of something.
The worst part is that, as much as you don't want to believe it, your team wants this. They want to court these flimsy so called fans because its big business. The redeeming feature is that the clubs take them for all their worth and then use their cash to build a better team.
One corner of the world that does seem to have escaped is Scotland. Glasgows biggest rivals, Celtic & Rangers pretty much make up 75% of all the fans in our country and no one would dare bandwagon between the 2 teams.
The reason is simple, we were smart enough to attach religous bigotry into the mix! Roman Catholics support Glasgow Celtic, Church of Scotland/Protestants (&now many other ethnic minorities) support Glasgow Rangers. This if you way betray your team, you also betray your god & your family. Nice one! It also leads to far more hatred than you Yanks would ever believe! JET FAN Posted: 5/16/2005by: MOT I bleed fuckin green baby!
I hate fuckin band waggoneers. Especially all those homos who all of a sudden are Pats fans! Waggoneers.....every one of them.
'I like the Pats because Tom Brady's cute.' Shut up slut! You wouldn't know illegal proceedure from sticking a tampon in the wrong hole!
J E T S ! ! ! Super Bowl this year baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STEEL CITY Posted: 5/15/2005by: csteel Born raised and bleed Black and Gold. The Pirates haven't had a winning season in ten years; still love 'em. Steelers- remeber Mark Malone and Cliff Stout? I sure do. If you were born with the passion of your hometown, you live, love through thick and thin. Go fuck yourself if you are wearing a BIg Ben t-shirt you coattail riding vampires. kick ass Posted: 5/13/2005by: geebs column, brother. living in boston, and being a fan since '83 (right about when rice began making a living in grounding into dp's), i am nauseated by the bandwagoners. it is so bad around here with all the pink and yellow pussy hats, that i find myself rooting for the orioles! ok, you say "orioles," there's a bandwagon for ya, right? no, just so that the orioles win enough to clean the slate of these fake sox fans and make being a sox fan "miserably fun" once again. still i say, no matter what - f the yankees!!!!
-jim ed #14 Good Work Posted: 5/13/2005by: NLH You are right on with this article. That whole "we" thing is complete bullshit. If I cheer my little heart out and "my" team wins, do they send me a paycheck for my contribution?? Fuck no. They jack ticket prices and try to get me to buy their shitty memorabilia. Don't get me wrong, I like watching sports and I'd rather see my home team win than lose, but I'm not gonna start killin' people when the group of guys from my town that don't know me lose to some other group of guys. Unless I got a teaser bet riding on the game, I could usually give a shit who wins.
