I must confess: I'm feeling tons of pressure as I sit down to write this piece; like a D.A. about to go public with the real truth behind the Kennedy assassination. Everyone knows Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't the lone gunman. Yet we prefer to keep on living in comfortable denial because reality is, quite simply, easier to ignore than accept.
The same can be said for acknowledging anywhere but in the deepest recesses of our subconscious that there is indeed a sexual timeline in any relationship of significant duration.
Those fireworks in the honeymoon phase of a relationship? They inevitably devolve into sparklers. And what about those cramp-inducing, curled-toe climaxes? Well, they invariably morph into "SportsCenter" highlight sneak-peeks while her eyes are closed. (There, I said it. And I feel better now that I did.)
Each with its own distinctly recognizable inherencies, there are five stages of sexual evolution in every meaningful relationship.
These five stages are:
Stage One - Welcome to the Jungle Halle-fuckin-lujah is this stage fun. It's as if the two of you traded in your "advanced species" membership cards for a pair of tickets to Wild Kingdom: The Reality Tour.
When Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan once referred to the inexplicably-rising equity markets of the late 1990s as "irrational exuberance," I'm convinced he was having flashbacks of those first few months he and his (eventual) wife were gettin' after it.
In this stage of the physical relationship, the man and woman resemble a pair of chimpanzees running around naked in their natural habitat, amorously attacking one another every chance they get.
It's like the first time you went to an amusement park without your parents; sprinting around trying all the rides. In this stage, repetition is high and you ignorantly think that this relationship is different and the pace can actually be kept up. Silly kids, these "Trix" are for rabbits.
Stage Two - The Lab(White Coats Optional) You used to get it done five times a day, Ace Ventura-style. Now you're down to a still very respectable three, but to make up for the drop in volume, you've begun to experiment. Quality over quantity is the name of the game in this stage. It makes perfect sense to both of you to begin incorporating foreign objects, costumes, role-playing games, videos, and an occasional freelancing circus midget. Batteries not included.
This is the stage where alcohol is to the couple as oil is to the Tin Man: it greases the wheels of ingenuity. "Oh, you want to drip hot wax on my freshly shorn ass during a game of Twister while humming the Peruvian national anthem? Absolutely, I'm down with dat."
Stage Three - The Zone You're feeling the flow now. Personally, this is my favorite place to be on the relationship timeline. And like my junior year in college, I wish every day that I could hit the pause button and live it out infinitely into the future.
Of course the first two stages of sex in a relationship are fun, exciting, unpredictable and immensely enjoyable. But I'm getting old and that level of intensity scares me and my sciatica. What happens if I tear my ACL? My "B" division, rec-league hoops squad would have no chance at making the semis.
Yeah, this stage is my nirvana. There's a pinch of predictability, but only to the point where it builds anticipation. As opposed to the next stage where you're closing your eyes and thinking of your high school cheerleader girlfriend while trying not to blurt out the wrong name.
Stage Four - Groundhog Day Do you like the missionary position? I damn well hope you do, because you'll be rolling over and finding yourself in it often. We're into one-and-done territory now. Followed immediately by respective retreats to the bed's opposite poles and a tight curl up into the fetal position. And snoring of course.
Cuddling and petting while recharging for round two is ancient history in this stage, and a memory of which you're starting to question the validity.
Try and picture "sleep" and "sex," each placed on opposite ends of the Scales of Justice. I'll give you one guess and one guess only as to which of these is now starting to weigh on the relationship more heavily...
(Congrats, genius, you can pick up your door prize on the way out.)
Stage Five - Abstinence At this point in the relationship, asking for sex is like insisting on your filthy rich fiancee to sign a pre-nup, even though you have no job and $15k in credit card debt. You're essentially friends at this point, not "lovers."
(Twenty-Second Timeout: Anyone else think the term lovers is hysterical? I do. Immensely. I implore you to cherish the moment when some asshole speaks this term to you with sincerity, because unintentional comedy moments such as these don't come around that often. And anyone who uses it to seriously describe their significant other is really just a virgin in hiding.)
In this stage, as an effort to get your attention, your wife and/or long-term girlfriend is prancing around the motor home in a recently purchased Vickys Secret ensemble. She's most likely installed a dance pole in the bedroom as well. And you wondered why that Striptease DVD was tucked into her purse.
What are you doing while all this is going down? Furiously dialing your cable provider's customer service hotline to inquire as to why your Adult Movies on Demand privileges have been "temporarily suspended," of course.
It's like a lapse-Catholic not eating meat on Friday's during Lent, yet they haven't been to church, aside from Christmas and Easter, in six years:
The desire is still there, but your heart's just in the wrong place.
Christine Posted: 1/25/2006by: Brenda Della Casa Hilarious...Thank you! Delphi? Posted: 1/25/2006by: matt Anyone ever picture delphi as a very poor man's Stewi form Family Guy. That is the kind of voice I picture him having as well as the latent homosexual tendencies. Actually, if any of you have seen the movie then he is Stew from the future. Just a thought and a lame one at that. Nevermind. . .now time to go back to spinning in my chair see if I can beat 20 revolutions! Deuce Posted: 1/25/2006by: Atlas I tried the ignoring route, he just keeps coming back though. Eugene used to be the same way until he was neutrilized by a the negativity thrown his way then he actually changed. Patrick Posted: 1/25/2006by: Christine That's one of my favorites. good call.
This is the time I hate, when Delphi leaves for the day without seeing the truly witty insults slung at him. Oh well, _isk _ isk GZA Posted: 1/25/2006by: Patrick Funny. By the way, I wasn't busting your balls. It was a South Park reference. Good night. No Posted: 1/25/2006by: The GZA Bu I've been o ime square, used o live in connecicu, and now live in exas. San Anoinio o be exac. GZA Posted: 1/25/2006by: matt Jesus dude! A missing T you should just fucking kill yourself. It is one thing to be an obnoxious faux know-it-all prick who is a fatboy closet case homosexual but to miss a T in thought. Fucking pathetic. _he delphi phree hangman game Posted: 1/25/2006by: deuce s_op encouraging him _o pos_. Delphi Posted: 1/25/2006by: Atlas I wrote you a Garfield comic, hope you like it you salad tossing spell checker. GZA Posted: 1/25/2006by: Patrick Have you been to the Plane-arium?
