The title says it all folks. No tricky slogans for us today. We're here to discuss bad dressers on the sidelines, in the booth, and on the playing fields. It is what it is, so let's get down to brass tacks.
(Have I mentioned that I love clichs?)
It's time to lace up those L.A. Gear high-tops and take it to the courts, so to speak. But lace 'em up tight before you do, 'cause they're all you got out there.
To guide us through the worst dressed men in sports list, I've decided to employ the Pat Morita Grading System (patent pending). In doing so, I've grouped each offender listed below according to their levels of achievement and ability. Beginning with the lowly but formidable "white belts" and then working my way up in skill-level to the infamous "black belt" category, this just might be the most comprehensive list ever compiled on the topic.
(Twenty Second Timeout: I'm so excited right now. I imagine I feel like Michael Jackson felt the day he guest-hosted Romper Room. Only my pee-pee has never been compared to a barbershop pole. A mushroom cap in high grass, maybe, but never a pole-like object. Unfortunately.)
Now happens to be a great time during the sporting calendar year to fully discuss this matter. Why? Because so much is still fresh in our minds. A full season of college and professional football still lurks in our short-term memory; baseball's opening day is hiding just around the corner; we're under a proverbial pile-on of college basketball games and, oh yeah, a bunch of golf. Which, by the way, has no definitive beginning or ending to its "season." I don't care what those nerds on the Golf Channel say.
What about the NBA, you ask? I pretend it doesn't exist and so should you, but I'm not here to lecture.
Before we proceed, like any good lapse Catholic, I feel the need to come clean. Upon taking all of this in, I feel like the desperate man who walks into a "legitimate" massage parlor - in need of a release. If it were up to me, my "release" would come from watching the following individuals be forced to stand still for a Pat Morita crane kick to the balls.
Let's do this:
THE WHITE BELTS
Name: Kirk Triplett Occupation: Professional Golfer
Kirk, my man, you look like the hybrid miracle child of Gilligan and some promiscuous delegate from the 1972 Democratic National Convention. Ahhh, George McGovern, he caused people to do crazy things, didn't he? Like vote en masse for Nixon. I respect Triplett's determination to go with a look and stick with it. Unfortunately for him and his family, it's just a really shitty one.
Name: Kenny Perry Occupation: Professional Golfer
Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. With a name like that you were born with UNLIMITED potential. But for some reason you defiantly wear really ugly golf shirts. Like the ones a best man would hand out to the groomsmen just before teeing off in Vegas on a bachelor party weekend. I'm assuming Kenneth has no friends. Why? Because if he did, they would've held an intervention / bonfire to eliminate his putrid wardrobe.
Name: Jesper Parnevik Occupation: Professional Golfer
Tour de Parnevik? Hey Jesper, you're a golfer, not a member of the U.S. Postal Service cycling team. Lose the painter's hat. And YES, it is your baby. Don't be cheap with the alimony.
THE YELLOW BELTS
Name: Al Skinner Occupation(s): Head Basketball Coach, Boston College, Freelancing Can-Opener
Al Skinner's actually a TERRIBLE dresser but our research staff couldn't find a photo to corroborate that accusation. They've subsequently been fired and replace by illegals from Mexico. But the beauty about Al is that he didn't even need a bad uni shot to get him on this list. His big giant TEEF did that for him all by themselves. Look at those chompers. Geezuz. Al, do yourself a favor and grab the yellow pages; it's spelled: o-r-t-h-o-d-o-n-t-i-s-t.
I threw out my mock turtleneck approximately four years ago after wearing it only three times, each to voluminous amounts of humbling criticism. It was a bad purchase. Simple as that. What can I say, everybody makes mistakes. But at least I learned from it. Some, however, have yet to get the mock message. Unfortunately, we live in a society where on any given evening one can turn on ESPN's college basketball broadcast and be forced to watch a mock turtleneck-clad coach lurking on the sidelines in one of these puppies. The following are the three biggest perpetrators:
Name: Larry Eustachy Occupation(s): Head Basketball Coach, Southern Mississippi, Philanderer
Last seen attacking co-eds at a postgame frat party like Joe Namath attacked Suzy Kolber, Larry Eustachy was the reigning King of the Mock. That is until he got banned from college basketball of course. I was looking for him to show up on a playground somewhere like Nick Nolte in Blue Chips trying to coach little kids. Only with Eustachy, instead of heeding his advice, they'd ask him what the hell he's wearing and then taunt him off the court.
Then Southern Miss hired him. The Athletic Director must've been smoking what USM alum Brett Favre was huffing down before that Packers-Vikings playoff game.
Name: Mike Brey Occupation: Head Basketball Coach, Notre Dame
I don't understand how Notre Dame's boosters allow Mike Brey to represent the school dressed like he does. Maybe it's because all their attention has been focused on ND's crown jewel: the football program, and how it has become increasingly apparent that it's damned to eternal mediocrity. Hee hee, go Irish.
Name: Bob Huggins Occupation: Head Basketball Coach, Cincinnati
"Bugsy's" nightly choices of regalia capture perfectly the essence that is the University of Cincinnati. A little sidebar: Huggy Bear has graduated twenty-three players in fourteen seasons as the Head Coach at Cincinnati. Yeah, you read that right, twenty-three. For all you art majors out there in the readership, with the average team comprising thirteen players, that's a graduation rate of 12.6%. The Alcatraz High School equivalency program has now outperformed for three years running.
In June of 2004, police pulled Coach Huggins over after some suspicious driving behavior. They reported he had slurred speech and there was vomit on the driver's door. That's always a nice touch. The report said Huggins was stopped because his car was straying out of its lane, and he sat at a light for ten seconds after it turned green. Maybe he was just being cautious? Cops, are always jumping to conclusions. Persecuting bastards.
Upon inspection, the officers reported a strong smell of alcohol, which prompted them to administer the field test. Huggins had slurred speech and red, watery eyes, the report said. Officers said he "staggered" out of the car and couldn't keep his balance during the sobriety test. Asked to recite the alphabet from the letter "E" through "P," Huggins said, "E, F, G, H, I, K, L, N, Z," according to the police report. Asked to count backward from 67 to 54, he counted from 62 to 52.
Is he skipping class with his players, too? Geezuz Bob.
(Twenty Second Timeout: To be honest with you, I'm exhausted and we're not even up to the goddamned "blue belts" yet. Speaking of blue belts, have you ever met one? I never even knew this rank existed until I researched karate belts on the internet. Yeah, I admit it.
Now I can't stop laughing as I picture some 5'6" klutz who didn't make any high school sports teams proudly telling everyone in band class that he's officially a badass blue belt. "Ooooh, don't mess with him, he's a blue belt". It just doesn't sound right.)
Before we move on to these blue belt people, we got one more yellow-belter who's being held back from advancement because he refuses to break boards with his head. Why? Doesn't want to mess up his hair. Yeah that's right, it's Gene Keady time:
Name: Gene Keady Occupation: Head Basketball Coach, Purdue
Gene Keady retired this year and here's hoping his comb-over retires with him. Hair so bad he made a worst dresser's list. Only in America. Wait, HOLY SHIT, he's wearing a mock too. What is it with you college basketball coaches? There needs to be some sort of intervention. Who can I get in touch with to organize this?
Put your hands together as Kelvin "Don't Call Me Calvin" Sampson sashays down the runway. He roams the sidelines in a denim shirt. A denim shirt with pockets for that matter. Baffling. Because of this, Kelvin has separated himself from the other college basketball coaches still practicing their roundhouse kicks as lowly yellow belts. There's an overachiever in every group and Calvin, oops, I mean Kelvin, is college basketball's overachiever.
What's that Kelvin, thumbs up, you ask? Not a chance. Two thumbs DOWN, you big denim-clad jackass.
Name: Chris Berman Occupation: Anchor, ESPN
Contrary to popular opinion, the Boomer is not exempt. I used to think his ties were either a running joke or for some charity (Jimmy V maybe?), but as the years passed and this fat bastard pressed on, I'm now convinced that he's just a slob with bad ties. However, the Boomer may be THE most popular man in sports today, so I'll piss off.
Name: Jim Tressel Occupation: Head Football Coach, Ohio State
Tressel has been rocking the Pleasantville look for years, but I always had the sneaking suspicion it was a cover for something. Now, as THE Ohio State University finds itself embroiled in a new scandal every week, I've gone back to trusting my gut. He proves, once again, that there really is no appropriate time to wear a sweater vest. What a sneaky, evil nerd he is.
Name: Chuck Amato Occupation(s): Head Football Coach, N.C. State, Joe Pesci's Stunt Double
Chuck Amato could dress like 007 from the collarbone down and he'd still be on this list. What's the best part about this picture? It's a night game. What an idiot. As long as he insists upon wearing these stupid sunglasses, I demand that Columbus Day be removed from the National Holiday list as compensation. All it would take is one year for this punishment to be in effect before Amato and his shades would disappear like Hoffa. Then all would be back to normal.
Name: Karl Malone Occupation: The Horse Whisperer
Pop quiz hot shot: Who looks dumber in cowboy gear, Will Smith starring in Wild Wild West or Karl Malone starring in...real life? I don't know if his cowboy/trucker image was intentional subterfuge meant to throw off the white supremacists during his tenure in Utah or that Karl is just a big, steroid using buffoon with no clue.
THE PURPLE BELTS
I know, I know, this is supposed to be a list of the Worst Dressed MEN in Sports. However, for some reason I don't feel like that title or the Pat Morita crane kick to the balls reference was that far off base when it comes to these two. Therefore, let's proceed, we have so much more ground to cover and so little time.
Name: Serena Williams Occupation(s): Professional Tennis Player, "Model"
The sad part is that this may be the least offensive thing she's worn in years. Hey Serena, we get it, you're bored with winning Grand Slams so you're expressing your "genius" elsewhere. Here's some advice: stick with the pretty little white skirts and tops and leave the goofy shit to the runway designers.
As an aside, did she get shined up in Armor All for this TV appearance? "Hi, I'd like a mani-, a pedi- and, oh yeah, the full buff and wax please." What the fuck?
Name: Billie Jean King Occupation(s): Professional Tennis Announcer, Motivational Lesbian
Does anyone else see the irony in Billie Jean King having been chosen to represent the female team in the "Battle of the Sexes" when it's almost impossible to tell what gender "it" really is? I'd be pissed if I was Bobby Riggs. That's Kennedy assassination-level conspiracy. Feminists will stop at nothing I tell you.
By the way, why do lesbians have to dress like lesbians? Most gay men have style. Gay women, on the other hand, take their sartorial direction from Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres.
THE BROWN BELTS
Name: Al Davis Occupation: Owner, Oakland Raiders
Does anyone like Al Davis? Seriously. I think this photo was taken during his Elvis phase. Boy is he creepy looking, but you gotta hand it to him, Al was the origination of "bling." How pissed is PDidds right now? Heh. Sorry Puff, I know the truth hurts, but this is where it all started. Yes, you can puke all over your fur parka now.
Name: Deion Sanders Occupation(s): Professional Football Player, God Finder
You remember when Deion found God a few years ago, don't you? Apparently the discussion between the two centered around his philandering and drug habits as opposed to his heinous fashion crimes. Great for his wife and his nostrils, but bad for us and our retinas.
Name: Walt Frazier Occupation(s): Basketball Announcer, MSG Network, Pimp Daddy
Does anyone know where I can get a good hooker around here? Oh, hello Walt, I didn't see you standing there. How much for one-a-ya ho's? Scintillating. (If you got that reference, you watch too many Knicks games. Quit it, they suck and will continue to suck until Isaiah Thomas finds himself in a ditch on the outskirts of Vegas like Joe Pesci in Casino.) And don't give me any of that "yeah, well this photo is outdated" crap. Walt dresses the same, flamboyant way now, only in brighter colors.
Name: Joe Torre Occupation: Manager, New York Yankees
How is it possible to look like an idiot in a baseball uniform, you ask? Wear your hat like Joe Torre. It's no easy task to look like a jackass in a baseball uniform considering the uniforms are regulated by the league. However, Joe Torre manages (pun absolutely intended) to pull off the unimaginable. And it all comes down to the stupid and infuriating way he wears his hat. JOE, PULL THE BRIM DOWN YOU BIG HUGE IDIOT. And yes, you're not alone. I'm trying to avoid thinking about the "I just crapped my pants and you don't know it" look on his face too.
THE BLACK BELTS
Name: Bill Belichick Occupation: Head Coach, New England Patriots
The man is an enigma. On any given Sunday, Belichick looks like a self-important equipment manager with a headset. I don't need the full Landry wardrobe, but at least throw on a pair of khakis and a windbreaker or something. The man has won three Super Bowls in four years yet he rocks a hoodie. At any point during a Patriots game I'm waiting for him to look into the tv camera, blow a whistle, and then tell everyone to pair off for dodgeball.
Name: Barry Melrose Occupation(s): Former Announcer for the (now extinct) NHL, National Association of Mullet-Wearers Spokesperson
What do you think Barry Melrose is up to these days? Yeah, I'm not sure I wanna know either, but I guarantee that whatever he's doing, he's still rockin' a mullet. The imminent extinction of the NHL is being blamed on the owners, the players, and even the greedy zamboni drivers. However, I think it was the prevalence of mullets throughout the entire hockey industry that ultimately eroded the passion of the fan base.
Before I go off and question where I direct my creative energy on a daily basis, let me first say that the biggest disappointment I experienced in writing this piece is not being able to find pictures of Tom Jackson or Merrill Hoge. They're both black belt material and I almost feel as if I let you down. But I bet most of you know what I'm talking about.
First, Merrill Hoge: I'm convinced all of his concussions screwed up his eyesight and his maniacal outfits are just a cruel joke played on him by the wardrobe people. He must've pissed them off by forgetting their names or something.
Lastly, Tom Jackson, co-anchor for ESPN's NFL Primetime. He's the bad dresser's equivalent to LeBron James: relatively new on the scene but already DOMINATING. Jackson used to be a normal dresser and then Michael Irvin showed up and created a monster.
I imagine it's like the night Bobby Brown first introduced Whitney Houston to cocaine. Next thing you know she's a much bigger blowhead than he is and Bobby's thinking to himself: "Whoa, I created a monster. Ayyyiiggghtt!" When Tom Jackson rolls onto the set wearing a matching brown shirt, tie AND suit, Michael Irvin must secretly laugh his balls off and say to himself "Well, it's his prerogative I guess."
NO AGREEMENT Posted: 8/6/2005by: luis fernando kenny, kenny, kenny is very beautiful and he gets dressed according to the contracto with it manufactures it sponsor that I imagine that you criticize it because they don't sponsor them to you that if they made this way it they would not put it to that beautiful of third, with such an envious and repugnant comment. What color is that suit? Posted: 7/21/2005by: Fashion Police Michael Irvin has to be in there...He frequently wears suits either belonging to Willy Wonka or Sinbad back in the 80s. Man made the money, but money did not buy good taste. Rasheed Wallace Posted: 7/21/2005by: Claven Axewound Rasheed should be on here because he does not dress in accordance with the way he looks, meaning he should be wearing overalls with no shirt underneath and a straw hat with an actual hoe (gardening implement) under his arm, as opposed to an NBA groupie ho. Seriously that guy looks like the biggest imbred country bumpkin ever, I keep waiting for him to pound liquified Chitlins instead gatorade during a timeout. WHat about... Posted: 4/19/2005by: wally THE "R Yeah Sager sucks, but... Posted: 4/3/2005by: Latrell Sprewell Have you seen the shit I try to pull off on a regular basis? It's terrible. I can't believe you left me off the list. Just for that, I'm gonna starve my family. Ya gotta include Nelly Posted: 4/3/2005by: Daryle Don't forget the Captain of slobs, Don Nelson. Only man I know who had his contract include the team to pay his fines for not wearing a tie. The ultimate wrinkle machine for suits. Perfect! Posted: 4/3/2005by: Z-man Larry Eustachy F-ing ROCKS! I love that guy and I love that photo Bad Dressers Mvp Posted: 4/2/2005by: DaK The mvp of this list is beyond a doubt Karl Malone, he regularly wears Cowboy hats....what the fuck? Cherry Posted: 4/2/2005by: Skrid jr Anyone that has seen Hockey Night In Canada knows who the true Master Sensei of the Pat Morita Grading System (plaid-belt level) is: Don Cherry, the best worst-dressed man in Canada. Remember, Canada is the home of the mullet (hockey-hair) so that's saying a lot. European Ballbarf Chuggers (and others) Posted: 4/1/2005by: Tony Spilotro It struck me when reading the Jesper Parnevik portion: almost all of the young turks on the PGA Tour are dressing like screaming Fire Island faggots these days. The uglier and brighter and tighter the pants the better, and the shorter the sleeves and tighter the shirts the gayer------ it's almost like they have some competition going on and the winner gets to chug a huge glass of testicular teriyaki at the end. The culprits: Ian Poulter, Sergio Garcia, Adam Scott, Charles "Chuckie Three Sticks" aka "Squirrel Face" Howell III, Daniel Chopra & Luke Donald among others. It either needs to stop or I'm going shopping for one of those foam bricks; now If they only made one that screamed "douchebag" when it makes contact with the tv... In addition to Kenny Perry and Kirk Triplett, there are a few of the older choches worthy of mention: Woody Austin, Duffy Waldorf, and to a lesser degree Rich Beem. It's time for a big bonfire after the trophy presentation at The Masters next weekend, and all of the players mentioned above will be subpoenad to attend and leaving naked...
Name: Kirk Triplett
Name: Kenny Perry
Name: Jesper Parnevik
Name: Al Skinner
Name: Larry Eustachy
Name: Mike Brey
Name: Bob Huggins
Name: Gene Keady
Name: Kelvin Sampson
Name: Chris Berman
Name: Jim Tressel
Name: Chuck Amato
Name: Karl Malone
Name: Serena Williams
Name: Billie Jean King
Name: Al Davis
Name: Deion Sanders
Name: Walt Frazier
Name: Joe Torre
Name: Bill Belichick
