For generations, elder and more experienced men have been passing down cherished nuggets of acquired relationship wisdom to their younger brethren. There are appropriate warning signs that need to be acknowledged when searching for that special woman, and most men are aware of them. Whats always been lacking, however, is a female perspective; a mole, a turncoat, someone who could provide the male gender with a precious perspective from the inside. This has never happened and thus, the lessons being taught remain incomplete.
As you, the female gender, face similar issues, Ive decided to become the Benedict Arnold of my generation. Thus, Ive chosen to navigate the perilous waters of male self-deprecation and created "The Field Manual for Suspicion" (patent pending). This was done in the hope that it will assist any woman wading her way aimlessly through the muck that is singles life, looking for that man of her dreams. This manual will instantly eliminate at least 90% of the bachelor population you gals would have otherwise had to comb through yourselves.
Precluding the obvious qualities a woman would normally avoid while looking for a mate, such as his penchant for manicures, the preference for wearing high-top sneakers and acid washed jeans to bars, or the constant nagging to go figure skating, there are numerous warning signs that seemingly normal guys exhibit. I implore you to heed these warnings, for they will save you precious time and painful emotional trauma.
The Field Manual lists these warnings signs along the format of "don't trust him if...." Therefore, don't trust a guy if
he doesnt pluck his unibrow.
While many of the suspicious qualities mentioned herein are derived from the author's metrosexual-type phobia, this doesn't fall along those lines. Humans have two eyes and as such, each one has a corresponding brow beneath which it blinks. Unless this guy is Eddie Munster, or thinks he is, the one eyebrow card is not one thats allowed to be played at this table. Allowing the brows to join as one and then prancing this caterpillar around, essentially flaunting the forehead's follicle prowess, speaks volumes about an individual. With the dramatic and rapid advances in tweezer technology in the twentieth century, there is no excuse for a man to allow this to happen.
he's a self-proclaimed vegetarian.
There's something fishy going on here (pun absolutely intended). I personally can't get beyond the first date scenario where you order the pasta Bolognese with a side of mutton chops and he daintily follows up with an "Ill have the mixed greens and, ah, could you bring the house vinaigrette on the side please?" Aside from the potential humiliating social situations, as if those alone aren't enough to tip the scales (pun absolutely intended again), the possible reasons driving this lifestyle decision are spooky themselves. While your political beliefs may lean or even lunge to the left, do you really want to be consoling your partner one night with a box of Kleenex, while he sobs uncontrollably about the killing fields at the Tyson chicken farm?
he doesn't like sports.
Ladies, I know you may think that this is some kind of trick. To be honest, I cant blame you. Its early in the game and you probably dont trust me yet. However, resist those fantasies of spending Sunday afternoons at home, watching cooking shows together while sipping glasses of Chardonnay and picking at a wheel of Brie.
You need to get beyond your knee-jerk reaction that not liking sports may just be the greatest quality a man could possibly have. I hate to break it to you, but a man who doesn't like sports has something fundamentally wrong with him. It's most likely because he attempted to play them at some point but was terrible in those that he tried. As a result, he has no confidence in himself, and that is a character deficiency, which you should avoid like a leper colony.
There is only one quality that serves as an effective antidote to the he-doesn't-like-sports-disease and its not overwhelming intelligence. Rather, its the presence of an artistic talent, preferably musical. This is why rock stars steal the wives and/or of Hollywood movie stars. Find yourself a short, ugly guy with an amazing voice and mediocre guitar skills and youll find someone who's never lonely.
he uses excessive amounts of exclamation points.
Personally speaking, I would support a nationwide ban on the use of this punctuation, but my editor says it effectively conveys enthusiasm and/or exuberance. Okay?! With the extinction of handwritten letters, the only place this silliness will rear its ugly head to you will be in those fun and flirty email sessions:
"Can't wait to see you Saturday night!!" "Oh my God, that's so funny!!!" "You're the best!!!!"
Now do you see how disconcerting this practice can be? Can't really explain why, but again, there are times throughout manual where you just going to have to trust me. And this is definitely one of those times. If an email peppered with these types of sentences arrives in your in-box, delete them and move on with your life. Got it?!!!
his jeans are tighter than yours.
He's most likely doing this for the sole purpose of showing off his endowment. Beware the guy that believes the only way to a woman's heart is by way of big lumber. If you're that desperate for fulfillment, there are millions of internet sites with products for that very purpose. Don't believe me? Fine, prepare yourself for coping with a lifetime of selfishness. The world revolves not around the sun but around him and the attention you so much deserve will be spent elsewhere. Typically, that's during the forty-two minutes he's gazing down at himself in the mirror post-shower every night and morning. And no, this has nothing to with the authors own personal shortcomings. Put down the book on Freud and lets keep moving here, we have a lot of ground to cover.
he calls men "guy" or "chief" or "pal" or "boss" OR he addresses you as "baby" or "girl" or "lady" or "babe."
When referring to another guy by the former, it is essentially the same thing as patting him on the head and looking down on him while wearing a smirk of condescension. It's an insult dressed in Victoria's Secret silk and lace. The same theory applies if he addresses you by any of the latter terms. Frighteningly cocky and unless he's kidding, which he most likely is not, he views you as just another girl in his lifetime of throwaways.
he drinks martinis during sporting events.
This specific gripe results from a recent and particularly scarring experience I encountered during an NFL playoff game. This chap was lounging pinky-up with a gaggle of other pretentious fellows slurping down extra dirty Stolis while screaming for the Pittsburgh Steelers. You cant get more ironic than that if you tried.
However, this is a great entre into a related subject: if youre with a guy who happens to be drinking a fruitier drink out of a fruitier glass than you, about face and don't even bother to stop at the coat-check, just take the loss. Maybe he's simply in touch with his feminine side (you think you like that don't you?).
OR......maybe he's gay, hasn't figured it out yet and will tell you after you've had two kids and his private correspondences with the landscaper fall from the false ceiling panel. Get my point? It's that telling.
Did I really need to tell you this?
he blow dries his hair.
It's not so much the vanity side that Im concerned about here, although any time invested in hair-feathering is more than slightly disconcerting. Rather, it's the hairstyle that he's maintaining with the blow-dryer. Unless he somehow manages to pull off the Larry from Three's Company look, it means he's working a bad wig. Can you spend any significant amount of time with a guy who has terrible hair? Of course not; youre better than that.
he constantly mentions or inquires as to how much things cost.
Beware the cheap man, for every situation involving money will evolve into a flea market-type haggling scenario. To be cost-conscious is one thing, but to be a cheap bastard is another.
"Nice shoes, how much did those run you?" Strong start, horrible finish.
"I heard that place has an amazing filet mignon. Too bad I'll never pay that much for a piece of meat in my lifetime." Gets your mouth to water but leaves you hungry and with stomach growling.
"You'd look amazing in that cashmere scarf and glove set. But only a fool would spend that much on accessories." Dangled the carrot and yanked it away.
Here's my personal favorite:
"No, no, no silly, always calculate the check on a pre-tax basis, net of any drinks." Poor guy.
It's a pathetic disease isn't it? While Im quite certain that the memo on this topic was circulated amongst women long ago, probably on stone tablets while their cavemen were out hunting, I felt that a little refresher course would do no harm.
he doesn't drink.
You obviously don't want a guy who goes out and gets clobbered five nights a week and then blows up his friends' cell phones on Tuesday at 3am looking for a late-night. However, be wary of the guy who doesn't drink at all. It either means he's an alcoholic, which is definitely a topic that needs to be discussed, OR, his dad was one, and he beat the crap out of him with a garden hose growing up. You could be next.
Pretty somber way to round out a top ten, but these are the crushing burdens that Im willing to shoulder for your benefit. All gushing thank-you letters should be sent to the Matthew L. McCoy at 555 Suns.....(editors' cut).
This could go on forever, so in the interest of saving the magazine some dollars, here are the remaining warning signs that should prompt flashing lights and blaring horns in your head when revealed by a man. Always be suspicious if:
he wears a replica jersey on a day other than the one when his team is playing. This screams no-class and that you will always play second fiddle to his sports addiction.
he wears a pinky ring, cologne or intentionally shows chest hair. It may seem as if Im singling out the Guido subset here. Its because I am. They stink.
he comments incessantly on other people's weight. Unless he sweats to the oldies and wears tight, candy striper running shorts, this behavior is deemed unacceptable.
he talks about his mother more than you talk about yours. Textbook mommas-boy indicator and you can be sure that mommy dearest will either be moving in with you +/- five years after your engagement. Or, at the very least, have a hand in every major decision the two of you will ever make. That includes your bathroom fixtures.
he wears briefs. Thats tighty-whitey in suburbia street slang. With the rapid advance in undergarments thats taken place in our lifetime, theres simply no excuse for this. Aside from the fact that they make him look like an idiot, Im convinced they cause sterility. Boxers, boxer-briefs, hell, rolling commando are all preferable alternatives to the little boy look. With apologies to Jim Palmer, this movement, if it ever was one, is over.
..he reads the comics. Whether they're in the newspaper or comic books, he will try and lead you to believe it's an intriguing hobby. Just like Trix, they're for kids silly. The guy's a dimwit.
he tans artificially. I don't care if he just spent an entire six months in the dark winter of Alaska and is now as transparent as a jellyfish. Theres no situation where artificial tanning is acceptable. Beware of these vain, orange-tinted men.
he owns a pit bull. People, how many maiming stories do we need to read before we figure out that pit bulls are evil? Apparently he needs a mean dog to feel like a big man.
he eats French fries or pizza with a fork. They're to be eaten with fingers. I don't care if he's at a swank dinner party with the Prince of Wales, paws should be digging in, sans silverware.
he has a moustache. Any guy sporting a lipduster is either tremendously cheesy, really into the orgy scene, or an idiot. Let's keep this look where it should remain: Middle Eastern chic and hope that, along with disco, is one of those things from the 70s that doesn't come back.
Getting back on follicle front:
he has a hair piece. This falls into the No-Shit Sherlock category but I still felt the need to warn you to keep a sharp eye out for them. The progression in this field differs greatly from the strides made in penis enlargement. Meaning that there actually has been some. It's not as easy to spot an indoor hat these days - examples of well-known individuals with them? Marv Albert. Unless you like being chewed on and getting outclassed in the lingerie department by your mate, more need not be said. You're bald pal, just Bic it and move on with your new badass look.
(Note: This warning DOES NOT apply to men who have tactfully colored or taken some form of baldness prevention pill -- these are respectable and thus, excusable ways to address these afflictions. Not that the author would know, of course.)
you suck Posted: 12/15/2005by: tom the reasonable person No, really, you do. Except for the fact that this piece lambasts legitimate looks and pigeonholes guys into demeaning, contradictory stereotypes (you hate metros but endorse a clean-shaven babyface? what the fuck?), I think your article was a fantastic guide to the trail of... reliable un-single-hood(?). Yeah, whatever... get a grip.
What's wrong with a mustache, anyway? And yeah, I do hate sports, it may have been because I sucked at them, but I played them for something along the lines of 10 years and sucked each one of them. Sports suck because athletes are assholes. And briefs? Yeah, they're ugly, but that means you have to wear a thong or bikini-bottom for me, all the time. Good list Posted: 12/12/2005by: Ashley I will take a guy in his team's football jersey ANY DAY over a comic book fanboy.
And I don't care how comfortable they are - briefs are a deal-breaker. They're never ok.
Mustaches, on the other hand, I think are fine. Hey, comics are cool Posted: 9/22/2005by: Karl You hit these suspicions on the head, all but one. What's wrong with comics? They are totally acceptable and just a note, there are some cool people that don't like sports, I'm not one of them but I have met them. I also have to agree with the other guy when saying jerseys are lame as hell. There is no sports team that needs to be supported that much, plus you look like a sheep following the heard of stereotypical losers. Dumber than Dumb Posted: 4/8/2005by: Serkan This list was made up by a air-headed jersey girl no doubt. Now if you were to say this was a list of what a girl should not be like, that sounds about right. How about getting to know a guy before spreading eagle that might help you get a guy that will respect you.
Yeahhhh out!!!! Exclamation points Posted: 4/3/2005by: Russ People who use too many exclamation points !!!! SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!! Why are you shouting??? They are overly dramatic drama queens, including the guys, and don't be surprised if you break up with them and you get a note referencing Nillson ' I CAN'T LIVE, IF LIVING MEANS WITHOUT YOU, I CAN'T LIVE, I CAN'T LIVE ANYMORE!!!!! Let me get this straight Posted: 4/2/2005by: Skrid jr The floral designer guy and his "friend" that I use to work for that both had mustaches, owned a tanning salon, tanned in their neon colored thongs, vacationed together in South Beach, blew dry their hair, one was a roller figure skating instructor and one wore tight jeans are "Suspicious?" Suspicious of what, having fabulous taste and being fabulous? I don't understand... I mean, they just live together because they are such good friends, right? Right?! E-Boy Posted: 4/1/2005by: The Deuce I'm sorry, I like briefs. I always have and always will. Jerseys are NEVER cool unless your paid to wear them. Artificial tanning has its place but is never to be spoken about. Martinis are the shit, anytime. Pitbulls do suck, but my buddy Barry has one and it's a cool dog. (what up Butch) I'm out! Mono-eyebrow syndrome Posted: 4/1/2005by: Rudolfo Laspari I used to have two of them, but I shaved the top one off. In my case I think the mono-brow look is an improvement... hmm. Posted: 3/29/2005by: Nick woohoo I've successfully passes your suspicious test. Though I have epilated my legs for years for swimming and road biking. I suppose you will now add that to the list.
A few of my friends male and female don't drink anymore, but were never alcoholics nor were beaten. Turns out if you don't go to bars, you end up not liking beer, and not drinking.
I still thank god for inventing whiskey. very funny Posted: 3/28/2005by: Beth M Mcoy well done, the truth is a bitch but hilarious. keep it coming.
