On May 12, 1986, nineteen years ago today, Top Gun was released for the first time to theaters in New York City. Celebrating anniversaries in multiples of five is so cliche and overdone. We've decided to get a jump on next year's revelry associated with the 20th anniversary of Top Gun and instead, honor Top Gun's NINETEENTH birthday. Today.
Let me hear you: Hip hip, hooray.
But I'm feeling the need to be honest with you about my true motivation for this piece. (What a kinship we now share, eh?) I had a hunch the other night. No, not the one I've had for years about my building's superintendent using my apartment to cheat on his wife while I'm at work. This one was a lot easier to confirm. So I went with it, grabbed the Top Gun DVD off the shelf, and popped the fucker in.
I watched it. Then I watched it again. And again for good measure. All the while furiously scribbling notes that haunted me every time I went back and re-read them. Yet scene after scene of this movie confirmed it: this was the greatest cinematic hoax ever played on the heterosexual male.
The irony is shocking. Top Gun's writers took jet fighter pilots, the quintessential example of the alpha male, sent them to a school of war for the "best of the best," then hurried them off to "splash" bogeys from our nation's greatest enemy at the time, the hated U.S.S.R. It was a can't miss blockbuster and proved to be exactly that at the box office. Most importantly however, I feel it's just not discussed enough that Top Gun was the most overtly gay movie never to be declared so in the history of film.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: Pointing out underlying gay themes in movies, particularly this one, is hardly an original idea, but it ties in perfectly with the end of this piece so roll with it.)
I'm an open-minded guy and admittedly, a dues-paying member of the Tom Cruise Man Crush Club. Although, this whole Katie Holmes- publicity stunt nonsense is a bit much. This is blasphemous and I can't believe I'm actually saying it in a public forum, but I'm thinking about transferring my membership over to the Brad Pitt Man Crush Club. (Gasp.) Heard there's a huge waiting line though. The blockbuster Anniston-for-Jolie trade has apparently stoked the fires of many men's platonic adorations; mine included.
The last thing I wanted to do with this classic film is to jump to conclusions. So I looked past the repeated Castro District bathhouse-like lockerroom scenes where groups of exhausted-looking pilots hung around in their towels and/or tighty-whities while sweating profusely. I tried to ignore the fact that almost every intense discussion taking place between two pilots was within make-out distance. And I also excused the cast's propensity for a good old-fashioned karaoke session.
I'll even go so far as to say the random volleyball match, that had absolutely nothing to do with anything plot related, could have simply been an editor's lapse in judgement. Although, the fact that nearly everyone on set for that scene was either shirtless, in tight jeans, tight sweats, or really small running shorts combined with constant flexing and ass-slapping was almost too much to bear. Getting beyond ALL of these material facts was a challenge in itself, but the truly damning evidence in support of this theory is found in the script.
The movie's opening minutes are all above board and it isn't until the boys all arrive in Fightertown and begin interacting that things start to get suspicious:
As Michael Ironside (Jester) is giving an adrenaline-pumping, chills-inducing welcome address to the class, the following exchange takes place between two inconsequential and very well manicured pilots who were last seen as extras on Skinemax's Sunday night soft porn showcase:
Soft Porn Pilot #1: "This gives me a hard-on."
(pause...pause...wait for it...)
Soft Porn Pilot # 2: "Don't tease me."
You've seen it; you know I don't lie. Good Lord fellas, welcome to Fightertown or welcome to Boys Town?
The seat-gripping drama during the dogfight scenes exists solely to distract you from the conspicuous one-liners, so let me refresh your memory if that tactic worked as planned:
Jester: "Show me what you got, kid."
If Goose wasn't watching us I'd SO kiss you right now.
Goose: "I got 'em, he's on our tail, come HARD."
Maverick: "He's goin' vertical. So am I."
The first lockerroom scene was a special treat. There was the classic -should we fight or just make out amorously- exchange between Maverick and Val Kilmer (Ice Man), that ended with the disturbing and now infamous exaggerated teeth chomp from Ice.
By the way, I'd advise not trying this in a bar argument or you'll end up with a Bud bottle as a permanent fixture in your scalp. (I may or may not be speaking from experience.) Luckily Jester comes in to break up this racy discourse between the boys by yelling: "You and Goose get out of those flight suits and get your butts up to Viper's office, NOW!"
Ahh, the rough stuff.
However, I don't want you to think that this fabulous rave of a flick is reserved exclusively for the pilots. The Tower Chief was pissed after Maverick "buzzed his tower" causing java to spill all over him. After a catty bitch session with Viper, coffee once again found its way to the Tower Chief's uni, to which he responded: "I want some butts and I want 'em now!...I WANT SOME BUTTS!"
I bet you do, Seymour. Yessiree, the timeless art of seduction proves omnipresent in this movie once again.
And don't think we're leaving out the soundtrack lyrics: (sing it) "...gonna take it right intoooo, THE DANGER ZONNNNNE." Or how about: "Goodness, gracious, GREAT balls of fire." I realize hindsight is 20/20, but I can't say I feel bad for these guys. If they were using protection when taking it right into the Danger Zone they wouldn't have had to deal with their great balls on fire. Ha, I kill myself.
One last question before I move on to my final shocking revelation: Why was Maverick always wearing a fur-lined, leather bomber jacket when it was summer in San Diego? Not exactly the first thing I'm grabbing out of the closet to throw on when perspiring profusely. At one point during the movie, Viper announced that it was 110 degrees. Ahhh, fur-lined leather. Just what the doctor ordered. So many questions remain unanswered.
All implications of movie gayness aside, would Tom Cruise's career have turned out as successfully if Cougar hadn't cracked and turned in his wings? Maverick never even would've been admitted into Top Gun. I'm serious about this. Tim Robbins (Merlin) would've played a much bigger role in the movie, gone on to even greater things and therefore, would've married someone much hotter than that feminazi Susan Sarandon. These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Well, we've covered the homosexual's role in Top Gun in far too much detail. Therefore, let's move on to the metrosexual's place in the plot. This theory about the movie is much less propagated and even the appearance of a metrosexual in the 80's was very much ahead of its time.
What used to be a sneaky subculture in metropolitan areas is now fast becoming a nationwide movement. Men in greater numbers everywhere are looking for bath and beauty products that stand well above and beyond the traditional Prell and Irish Spring standbys. Facial scrubs, moisturizers, exfoliants, loofa sponges and herbal extract body polishes have all been finding their way into men's showers. It's extended to grooming as well...
Recently, Andrew Jacobs of the New York Times reported that "in a quiet revolution sweeping the blue-collar precincts of metropolitan New York, mechanics, firemen and construction workers -most of them insistently heterosexual- are unapologetically doting on their eyebrows." Hell, even I'll 'fess up to this one. Say what you want about me, but I went through high school with one eyebrow short of a pair and that's simply unacceptable.
Boyfriends everywhere are choosing to put off showering at the gym until they get to their girlfriends' apartments. And it isn't because they're worried about other guys seeing their unfortunately tiny mushroom cap dwarfed by its field of high shrubbery. Rather, it's because they secretly love using her bath products. Yeah, that's right, admit it. I do. (Personally, I prefer Bendel's fig body scrub. It's divine.)
This brings me back to Top Gun. Aside from the baffling volleyball scene mentioned previously, the strangest plot twist occurs right afterwards, when Maverick rolls in late for his date with Kelly McGillis (Charlie). He arrives at her beachfront rental and blurts out: "If you don't mind, I'm just gonna take a quick shower."
No, your body's fine. Just needs a little pectoral work.
What the fuck? BUSTED.
Prior to deeper reflection, I never thought anything other than that this was a really cocky, yet weird, play by Maverick. That is, until now. His motivation was clearly neither over-confidence nor the desire to cool off. Maverick was the original metrosexual. THERE, I said it. And I feel better. Do you?
good one someguy Posted: 5/13/2005by: crazy carl Wow, i felt that blow. I do own you, you're my bitch. Don't be mad, you did it to yourself. Again, good article. My Comment Posted: 5/12/2005by: Kyle Good article. I laughed twice. CrazyCarl Posted: 5/12/2005by: SomeGuy OMG! A douche bag bag online called me a loser. He even knows how to multiply! I best not fuck with him. He obviously has a large penis.
Why dont you take the time you spent writing that * how long you tell your barbuddies about how you 'totally owned some guy on the web' - the $ you spend telling your shrink about how you finally took her advice and 'told someone off' - the $ she charges you telling you that the internet doesnt count then divide all that by how many times youve been laid... unfortunatly you cant divide something by 0.... BUT YOU KNEW THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE THE SMART! Sleep with Me Posted: 5/12/2005by: JB Sleep with Me - this was the movie with the Tarantino cameo that went over this ground 10+ years ago. Unoriginal Ripoff Posted: 5/12/2005by: SM Agreed with the guy a few posts below, this is a total ripoff of Quentin Tarantino. People arent original anymore.
http://www.godamongdirectors.com/scripts/sleep.shtml Lots of negative energy Posted: 5/12/2005by: Steve That's good, real nice. Now count backwards from 100. Good, relax, nice, 95, noone wants to hear the history of comedy. 91, kyle you comment more than anyone, 82, nice, relax, 71, there you go breath, 48 we're all relaxed now, 37, gonna use that energy for positive things, good 22, much better 16, you guys are all right 5-4-3-2-1. Oh my god! Posted: 5/12/2005by: Conner http://www.thephatphree.com/features.aspSectionID=11&StoryID=508&LayoutType=1
Don't you get it by now?!? Stop commenting about stupid shit!
Very funny article btw! comment fighting is awesome Posted: 5/12/2005by: crazy carl Someguy, why don't you shut the fuck up and take your multiparagraph comments elsewhere. You really took everyone to school on comedic knowledge. Congratulations man, Tim Allen, Robin Williams, the greats, you know your shit. That's awesome. Add up the time you spent to comment * the amount of times that you have revisited this site to see if anyone commented on your sweet, unnecessarily lengthy, comment, and I'll think you'll realize....."wow, I am a big fucking loser!" Good work, we'll see you out there.
Not Original Posted: 5/12/2005by: More Original Than this Moron Pretty sure this idea has already been exploited by someone a lot smarter and witty and possibly even insightful than whoever wrote this article, Matt McCoy or whatever. I think in the movie "Bongwater", Quentin Tarantino plays a cameo and has a long discussion of similar topic regarding Top Gun. This article is a horrible rip-off by some asshole who thought he could diguised someone else's stupid insight, that didn't really make sense in the first place, and wasted three minutes of my life that are now gone forever. I know you writers for this website don't get paid as it is, but I mean this in all honesty, please, if you have a day job, don't quit. haha Posted: 5/12/2005by: haha how many of you are gay that commented on this. dont be mad, its not you, its just the bad decisions you make. haha.
