If you're a real man, you've most likely argued whether or not the competitors in certain sports and/or games were really athletes. Once you and your boys got into the merits of the Stihl Lumberjack Championships, you knew that the argument had progressed too far. In that case, the debate should've quickly switched gears to this stalwart brainstormer:
"If you had to choose one girl to sleep with, knowing your girlfriend would find out about it, who would it be?"
(Angelina Jolie. Obviously.)
If you're a woman, your care factor whether someone's legitimately an athlete or not is most likely, ah, zero. All you know is that sports cause your significant other to spend way too much time in front of the tube and away from you. And besides, you're too busy lounging in panties and having tickle fights with your friends.
(Shutup, don't ruin it for me. This happens. I know it does.)
However, if you're a girl, and you DO care about things such as these, contact me immediately. We should get together for some quality alone time. You're a keeper.
But as far as the debate goes, this is the first time I've ever done it sober. Damn you Phat Phree Contributor Sobriety policy. Luckily, I have a flask and some Bennigan's to assist in covertly greasing the wheels of cognitive ingenuity. Shhh.
My trusty Funk & Wagnall's Standard Desk Dictionary, copyright 1977, is a bit out of date. For example, it defines "mulatto," which isn't exactly the most politically correct word in the first place, as "a person having one white and one Negro parent." Yikes.
Therefore, I was forced to go 21st Century and look up the definition of "athlete" on dictionary.com. The website defines an athlete as:
"A person possessing the natural or acquired traits, such as strength, agility, and endurance, that are necessary for physical exercise or sports, especially those performed in competitive contexts."
What the fuck? Using that definition, you could make the case that a professional Twister player is an athlete. I refuse to accept this.
In what is to be a recurring piece on this site, I will break down various sports, games, competitions, what have you, and arrive at the ultimate conclusion whether their respective participants are athletes or not. If this site only had an active "Comments" section. What a lively debate we could've had. Oh, well.
In an act of facetious homage to the most horrifying infomercial character of all time, Susan Powter, let's START the Insanity:
Participant in Question: Golfers Survey Says: No
If you were shown the above picture of John Daly and happen to know absolutely nothing about the game of golf, what do you think your answer would be to the question of whether golfers were athletes or not? Come on. It's a no brainer. Look at that motherfucker's buddha.
And he won the PGA Championship AND the British Open. This must've infuriated the elitist Limey faction as Daly smoked a 'Boro and downed a Bud twenty-ouncer between holes, then fogged up the championship trophy with his booze breath.
Golfers aren't athletes. Fact. Despite conducting their post-round interviews while wearing pained expressions and touting the underestimated ability of their sport to wear you down. If a 55 year-old professional can whoop on another half his age, then that event's participants are not athletes.
Tiger Woods is leading a younger generation hell-bent on proving this assumption wrong, which is why he has the hottest wife on tour. Until Craig Stadler steals her of course, but that's another story for another time. But I'll give you a hint: it has nothing to do with Craig's walrus-like moustache or obesity. Rather, think "tusk" and get back to me.
Golfers are highly skilled marksmen, no question. I'm reminded of this every time my boomerang slice arcs around and hits me directly in the back of my scrotum upon teeing off. But they're not athletes. My favorite thing to do while watching golf, aside from nap, is to vote who has the strangest sweat patterns on their shirt. I love it when Phil Mickelson wears a light green or blue shirt because his man titties create hysterical sweat marks. Colin Montgomerie ain't no slouch either. Next time you tune in to a golf broadcast, play along.
For the record, the way golf crowds create that frighteningly long and narrow and corridor leading from the tee box really bothers me. Just once I want someone to catch a Titelist in the knee. I know this sounds cruel, but I dare you to try and convince me that the "Get in the hole!" guys don't deserve it. Those douche bags need a couple teef knocked out.
Because lacrosse is a regional sport played by slow white kids, generally from affluent families, you may need a refresher course as to what it actually is.
It happens to be the oldest game on the North American continent. Strange, because I actually thought the oldest game in America was "Kill the Injun," but apparently Native Americans were playing lacrosse well before the smelly white man arrived. The game and the stick were developed by North American Indians as early as the 15th century.
There are ten positions on a team (one goalie, three attackmen, three midfielders, and three defensemen). The object: put a 5 oz. hard-rubber ball into your opponent's net using a long-handled stick with a triangular pocket at the end, while keeping your opponent from doing the same to you.
To play lacrosse, you absolutely need to be an athlete; just not that good of an athlete. Without prompting, LAX players will arrogantly pronounce throughout both day and night that they have superior athletic abilities. It's all a bunch of poppycock.
These are the guys who couldn't make, or certainly didn't stand out, on their school's basketball or football teams. How can I say this with such presumption and confidence? Because NFL Hall of Fame running back Jim Brown was the greatest lacrosse player in the history of the game. And he just played to stay in shape for football.
That's like picking up ping pong to strengthen my wrist for masturbation and then beating Chinese champion Chun Li for the world title.
"No, no, no, Casey Powell's the best, he has all the records."
Stop that. They changed the fucking rules of the game because Jim Brown was so unstoppable. That's right, the rule requiring lacrosse players to keep their sticks in motion when carrying the ball was implemented to slow Brown down. Similar to when the WWF outlawed the Iron Sheik's vaunted "Camel Clutch." He couldn't be matched up until that point.
To any lacrosse player arguing that they're the greatest athletes on their campus, I ask you this: can you imagine the day Title IX eliminates a top-tier Division I football program and all the wide receivers, cornerbacks and running backs show up the next day at lacrosse tryouts? HA.
How good would Casey Powell have been if Lavar Arrington was assigned to defend him? I rest my case. There has never been a more unjustifiable cockiness in the history of sports.
Participant in Question: NASCAR Drivers Survey Says: No
Only the naive and elitist factions of sports fans can ignore the increasing momentum of this organization. Gleefully grab a six-pack of Busch pounders, a wife beater tee and some cutoff jean shorts, 'cause we're taking it to the Brickyard for a first-degree lobster burn. Don't get shy on me now either, because you'll be expected to take part in the "caroling," which typically involves the badgering of whatever female falls prey to proximity to bare her breasts.
Despite the dexterity and courage necessary to drive 190mph around an oval three inches from another bumper, I'm not sold that these guys are athletes. Yeah, I know they sweat a lot, but that doesn't convince me either. Anyone who can chug milk after a competition means that they didn't really need to exert themselves.
Why is it so popular? Probably because attending a race is a rather thrilling experience, but that's just because everyone's half naked, inebriated and enjoying a sun-crisping that warms the soul more than a bowl of Oprah's soup. It's cheating, really. Combine those three ingredients in any circumstance and of course you'll be whistling Dixie.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: Why did I choose to single out NASCAR drivers as opposed to including Formula and CART as well? Simple. The latter two aren't as fun to make fun of, that's why. The guy in the black t-shirt with a silkscreened number "3" sporting neon pink, wraparound sunglasses and a stonewashed, frayed jean short versus the chap with a perfectly even tan sporting a powder blue polo, collar up and a Gucci loafer? Come on, it's a blowout.)
But I ask you, does a related and fantastic social scene legitimize a sport itself? Of course not. Furthermore, can the drivers themselves be considered athletes? They're essentially jockeys that just happen to be sitting on more horses. I know, I know, it's exhausting speeding across distances the width of Texas at an intensity level not experienced by many. But I'll take that over a twelve hour minivan drive to the beach with three screaming kids and a badgering wife any day.
Disclaimer: I've only been on the screaming kid side of that equation, so my credibility is questionable. However, judging by the look on my Papi's face at the completion of above-described drive, I think four girls in checkered flag bikinis, a glass-bottled pint of moo juice and an obnoxiously big trophy would've eased his trauma somewhat.
Again, I just don't get it, BUT, 75 million fans can't be wrong, can they?
you all suck jock straps! Posted: 7/22/2005by: canada dude sports isn't about money. it isn't about getin' da bling to impress some sacramento street-ho into a little knockin' of da boots. it's about athletacism. granted, football players have some...but we must all agree that some are present on NFL teams because they're fat pieces of shit. the same can not be true about lacross, soccer and hockey. those sports are stamina sports with high degrees of multiple skill. it's not about performing one task to perfection, it's about being able to compete in each and every situation.
ps: shaq if fat...check his motherfuckin' BMI. now, i would never say that to his face, but the boy isn't exactly the skinniest kid in africa. muscles, yes...but a few miami burritos have been 'slammed' down in the past year.
Best Comments Ever Posted: 7/21/2005by: Charley Only on this site could the responses to the article be as funny if not funnier than the article. People are dumb Posted: 7/21/2005by: Smarty Got a lot of angry lacrosse people on this board.
The facts are if you are a really good athlete, you play football or basketball cuz that's where the money is. You might also play lacrosse on the side. Same as volleyball, if you have hoops and are tall, you play basketball, not volleyball. You might play volleyball too, but you'd focus on basketball cuz that's where the money and scholarships are.
I'm sure Shaq or MJ could be the best lacrosse or volleyball players in the world, but they like money.
GT playa Posted: 7/21/2005by: Spanky "Just once I want someone to catch a Titelist in the knee."
It's "Titleist" you dumbass. I can see you know a whole shitload about golf. Don't mess with big John, that dude is my hero. Golden Tee is a sport. I want to be striped shirt guy. Come get some of that, bitch! Hey Idiot I was responding to WHITE GUY Posted: 7/21/2005by: You Whiny Bitches So you go FUCK yourself and learn how to read in sequence you whiny bitch. how 'bout nascar, you like nascar Posted: 7/21/2005by: Frank To the Nascar supporters: Nascar....get in a car and turn left the whole time. Whoever has the fastest car wins. Fuck, that is athletic. MATTHEW McCOY Posted: 7/21/2005by: STEVE Yo dude, that was some fuckin funny shit. I liked that so much, I even checked out The Guy website, also good stuff.
"That's like picking up ping pong to strengthen my wrist for masturbation and then beating Chinese champion Chun Li for the world title."
Fucking hysterical. heehee Posted: 7/21/2005by: mom You said "poppycock". you cant be serious Posted: 7/21/2005by: Box Face Just like every other sports writer, I can guarantee you have never picked up a hockey stick, lacrosse stick, baseball bat, baseball, basketball, football, frisbee, shuffleboard pole, horseshoe, tennis racquet, ping pong paddle, squash racquet, curling rock, bowling ball, dart, lawn darts or even lawn bocce balls.
The same rhetoric from some pansy who was obviously smashed into lockers/floors in high school. nice try. Hey Mr. Lax is a Sport... Posted: 7/21/2005by: BobbyD Sounds like you really love your old LAX buddies... I mean, really really love them. Do they know you go on comedy sites and defend them. That's so cute.
Best quote, "The girls sweated them too!" LOL That shit made me laugh hard! I am not saying it isn't true, I am sure it is true that a bunch of honkey trust fund babies pulled pussy. But to hear another man adoringly say it, is funny.
I can just imagine you talking to your mom from your dorm, "These guys are soooo cool mom. Geez, My friend Conner gave me his old Lacrosse stick for keeps... He's so cool. I wish I played Lacrosse"
You sound like the retard they let "manage" the equipment in high school who LOVES the football team.
