There are qualities inherent to each age category of the female dating population. I've dipped my proverbial toe in the water of most of them. Albeit unsuccessfully, and brrr, goddamn the water was usually cold. But in doing so, I managed to come up with a few observations worth sharing.
I've decided to break down the most relevant age classifications of women swimming around in that bountiful body of water known as the Sea of Promiscuity. Below is what you can expect from each of them.
(For the sake of simplicity, let's pretend our protagonist is exactly thirty years of age.)
15-20 Years Old
I don't care what Johnny Law says, if she can drive, she's fair game. (Eeek, that felt creepy.) Alright, I'll revise: if she's enrolled in college, it's fair game. There. Much better. That leaves the 15-20 age group classification somewhat reduced, but no less potent than any of the following that I shall detail in this piece.
What could an 18 year old girl and a 30 year old male possibly have in common you ask? I'll take "sexual bliss" for a $1,000, Alex. Just don't be her first or you should expect to be stalked at some point.
Eighteen to twenty year old females are absolute children when it comes right down to it. If you're 30 and having sexual relations with someone in this age category, you're a pretty dirty fella. Your friends may high-five you and shower you with legendary praise while in your presence, but when they go home and cuddle (reluctantly), post-coital, with their girlfriends of more similar ages, they verbally torch your perverted ass.
However, I must admit that as you walk around your "pet's" sorority in boxers at two in the morning, you're clearly having the last laugh. Just don't let her father find out or you're meat.
Pros
1. Body - Duh. It's as taut as a snare drum. 2. Political ignorance - She most likely hasn't even entertained if she's a liberal or conservative yet, so potential political conversation booby traps aren't even on the horizon. 3. Friends - She has friends the same age. Giddyup.
Cons
1. Clingy - You're teaching her things she never knew were possible. There are repercussions. 2. Clueless - "Like, no way, really?" 3. Cafeteria food - And you thought you were done with it.
21-25 Years Old
As a thirty year old male, dating a 21-25 year old girl is like sitting on a changeup out over the plate with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth and catching it on your Louisville Slugger's sweetspot. It's outta here; walk-off dinger. There's really nothing better.
I've always believed that once a man eclipses that monumental rental car benchmark of twenty-five years old and beyond, the perfect age for your respective mating partner is minus seven years. These young ladies have just the right amount of experience with a touch of maturity and still maintain the always sought after carefree attitude.
If you're approaching thirty or above and contemplating marriage, something I would know nothing about of course, this is the only female age category which won't result in the author arriving at your wedding, uninvited, and standing up at the ceremony in protest when the Justice of the Peace inquires "if anyone here has any reason as to why these two should not...."
Pros
1. Body - It's still taut, but more like a kettle drum now: a little looser, but still makes cool sounds when you tap it. (Pun absolutely intended.) The difference is barely discernible. 2. Resume - Perfect amount of experience in the rack. 3. Friends - This one still applies of course: she has friends the same age. Giddyup again.
Cons
1. Ex-boyfriend - There's always one from college lurking. The last thing you need is competition. 2. Promiscuity - She's most likely knee-deep in her "I just want to see what's out there" phase, and as a result, will cheat on you with reckless abandon. 3. Career - There's a potential for her to turn into a sincere, professional working woman who cares for nothing but her job. Who will serve your needs?
26-30 Years Old
Be careful. They're really focused now. With the exception of only the very few, girls in this category mean fucking business. They've most likely been hurt very badly by this point in their relationship lifespan and trust you - and every guy for that matter - about as far a nickel hooker could spit your swimmers. Tread lightly and play smartly, because she ain't no dummy. Unless you catch her on the rebound, meaningless sex is not an entree on her menu. Pros
Ah, what was I talking about again?
1. Figure - A full body overhaul is underway. She knows the sand is running out in her hour glass and is a workout fanatic as a result. 2. Sports fan - Probably doesn't like sports at all actually, but is smart enough to know that pretending she does helps her cause. Sneaky chicks man, sneaky chicks indeed. 3. Sexual experimentation - She's like Perry Mason at this point: building her case. Cons
1. Nuptials - She's starting to think about marriage. 2. $avvy - She knows she doesn't have to pay for anything by now. 3. Direct - The inevitable "Why did you break up with your last girlfriend?" inquisition has moved up in the rotation from the fifth to the first date. No playing around at this point.
31-35 Years Old
Welcome. You've officially entered the Cougar's Den. Keep peroxide handy for occasional claw scratches. More importantly, make sure to count her birth control pills while she's in the bathroom, because at this age, intentional impregnation is a completely realistic scenario.
Take notice of how many times she asks you to repeat what you just said. No, it's not premature hearing loss induced by her college and high school cheerleading days. Rather, it's that her biological clock is ringing so loudly in her head that it drowns out everything else. In smaller towns, this transformation occurs in the earlier age bracket, but in big cities, this panicked state of mind erupts in this one. Regardless, they're helpless against nature's power.
Pros
1. Sexual Bliss - Hitting the sack is like getting called out of the audience to participate in the Cirque du Soleil. It's a wild ride. 2. Intelligence - You can actually carry on a decent conversation and she might even read. 3. Fringe Benefits - Her friends are deviant, horny temptresses and would think nothing about bedding you down behind her back.
Cons
1. Weddings - You'll be attending a lot of them. Because every one of her friends will be getting hitched...for the second time. 2. Gravity - You just can't stop aging and it's effect on the female frame. Sadly, it's often not their fault, but that's irrelevant. 3. Ex-boyfriend stories - There's bound to be a lot them (ex-boyfriends that is) and you're under constant comparison.
36-40 Years Old
They've most likely given up on the hopes of child rearing by now. Or, maybe they've even done it already. But don't worry, if she did pop out a couple, she'll hide them at Grandma's house for months as if they were lepers. You know, to keep from scaring you away like a frightened chipmunk. Either way, this age group can be fun times. For example: they can pick out the best wine on the menu without the aid of a sommelier. And she may even pay for it too. Pros
1. Fockers - Meeting the parents at this point isn't a concern. She doesn't even bother anymore. 2. Variety - Pubic shaving and implements are completely reasonable introductions into your nightly repertoire. 3. Pets - She hasn't yet resorted to owning a cat as her sole, reliable source of companionship.
Cons
1. Baggage - You'll be that guy at Chucky Cheese walking around with two screaming kids telling everyone they're not yours. 2. Twilight of Her Career - Her body is akin to Mariano Rivera in the later stages of his career: just doesn't get it done as often anymore. 3. Alpha Hydroxy - There's no room in the medicine cabinet for your toofbrush because of all her anti-aging cremes. 41-45 Years Old
Dating someone in this category is like going into the 12th inning, already having used up every arm in your bullpen, and asking your backup first baseman to throw a couple innings. You're at the end of your leash.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: Shutup, it's baseball season and I'm excited. I'll use as many of these references as I want. Get over it.)
However, it's rather stress free because, even without saying it, you both know what you're in this thing for and that's to use one another physically. YOU have always wanted to get down with an older woman and SHE is sick of cleaning up discarded Viagra packaging from her nightstand. That's called mutual convenience. Make the most of it. Pros
1. Sustenance - You'll probably eat home cooking as good as Mom used to make, because she most likely is one. Therefore... 2. Reverse Graduate - Her daughters could be hot. 3. Fringe Benefits - Her friends are deviant, horny temptresses and would think nothing about bedding you down behind her back. I feel like I already said this. But this time they're more the desperate housewives type as opposed to the aspiring desperate housewives type.
*She's probably into the rough stuff at this point so if you're down with getting the shit beaten out of you during sex, bump this up into the "Pros" category. If not, bump it down into the "Cons," you big pussy. Cons
1. Inflation - She wants to go to hotels to "make love." It can get expensive. 2. Spelunking - You can probably put your hands and feet in "there" along with "it." 3. Hot Flashes - Menopausal symptoms are confusing and difficult to cope with. And you were just starting to get the hang of menstruation for Christ's sake.
Damn you Chuck Norris AND your irresistible beard.
46-50+
That's gross, man. Unless she's Christie Brinkley of course.
right on! Posted: 1/10/2006by: jamboy I recently broke up with a woman aged 47, and I got to say, you right about that 46-50+ group. Gray pubes and knowing she was about to start getting AARP magaine was a total turnoff! All my friends thought it was gross and I was crazy. They were right. I am in the dog house. Posted: 10/4/2005by: Stoner I meant 5'4", my bad. Anyways, I think you get the hint! ;-) I beg to differ about 46 - 50 Posted: 10/4/2005by: Stoner I am 23 years old man with a 48 year old woman. She is all of 4'9", 115lbs, and all woman, no spelunking here. We were both offended when we read that part and the part that says 46 - 50, Thats gross man, you could deffinatly compare her to Christi, sheis HOT in MANY more ways than 1. The best. W00t for CouGars!
Thanx, Stoner Difficult reading Posted: 7/1/2005by: Suresh This article is difficult to read because it uses lots of words that I don't what they mean. HELLO... Posted: 5/16/2005by: Afraid to say... Okay, I am a single 34 year old woman and I just read this article and it is totally right on the money! I do have to say that some of us chose to be single...But this was FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY!!! Jerry is hilarious Posted: 5/13/2005by: An Attorney as Far as You Know Liable charges!!! I'll be liable for anything I say, oh no!!!! I think you meant libel. Somehow the threat of a lawsuit doesn't scare me coming from someone that doesn't know the charges. Go ahead, come near me and I'll charge you with a salt and battary.
I don't have anything negative to say about Matt, I really enjoyed the article. I never gave it a thought as to whether he's engaged or sleeps around, why would I care? I'm sending it to my friends, especially the one banging the 18 yo high school broad. Why would someone be upset about the arguing in the comments section? How does that affect people reading the actual article? I'm not going to sift through all this bullshit (tweeeet!! Jerry Violation, you're shooting a one-and-one at the line) in the comments.
I do think it's funny, the idea of Matt calling Jerry and going "Hey man....is this line secure? Well I got a little project for you..." LOL! Oberlin Posted: 5/9/2005by: Leon Czolgosz Single acts of tyranny may be ascribed to the accidental opinion of a day. But a series of oppressions, begun at a distinguished period, and pursued unalterably through every change of ministers (administrations), too plainly proves a deliberate systematic plan of reducing us to slavery
Also, wonderful poem Jenny - you are a credit to your gender. I hope that one day you escape the slavery machine. A girl's perspective... Posted: 5/8/2005by: jenny I thought you guys might like a girl's take on Mr. McCoys article. Here's a poem I wrote that suits it well.
Title: My Pony Dream
A rolling seacoast of vagina. A roaring ocean wave of vagina. An endless wheatfield of vagina and eating vagina. 200 migrant workers plowing away on vagina this fine night. Men in tophats, men in pleasure caps--nibbling vagina. McCoy's half-man brother munching on vagina, but feeling torn about it. Cars moving from East to West along the Tri-State highway. Kiwi writing a 2,500-word novella on beef curtains. Me beef curtains are ragged and rusty red. Me beef curtains are bloody sexy and ripe. Me beef curtains have an area code. Me beef curtains met me at Dunkin' Donuts in Boulder, November 22, 1999. Me beef curtains are a dog's eggs in transit. Me beef curtains are a woman's right to choose: between beef curtains and beef curtains. Me beef curtains are a roaring ferris wheel. Me beef curtains are accurate mathematicians. Me beef curtains do ecstacy and lines of coke in coke dens in Pasadena. Me beef curtains are law abiding and spicy. Me beef curtains are no different than two red pancakes bunched up together fleshy and raw and spacebound. - jenny Nice Work, D-Pad Posted: 5/8/2005by: Jerry McCoy Loves Boys Jerry Mc: Way to break three of your own rules in your own e-mail, you insidious toolbox. "Oh, my brother was getting good word of mouth on steak and cheese until you meddling kids..." My God, I am weeping. This is so weak, so contrived, so incredibly phony. Steakandcheese.com is truly the lowest fuc*ing common denominator on the Internet. It is an absolute mashed vagina. "My brother asked me to come on here and address all of you." How fantastic it would be if either of you had sacks. "My brother is engaged to be married, he just thought it would be funny if he wrote..." a steaming pile of false dung. You both are weak sisters. A detriment to the McCoy name. JMLB Leave my brother out of it Posted: 5/7/2005by: Jerry Mc. God you guys are all fucking assholes. My name's Jerry McCoy and I'm Matt's brother, and he asked me come on here and clean fucking house. At first he was glad to direct me to his totally farcical site about what it would be like to bang lots of sluts. Instead, I gotta sift through this tidal wave of fucking crap in the comments section about him. Everyone thinks they know my brother and what he's all about. Fuck you all. Matt is no slut and he hasn't fucked that many girls. He's actually been dating the same girl since 1999 and they are engaged to be married next year. He simply thought it would be funny to put up this hypothetical web site detailing what he would imagine it to be like to fuck a bunch of different aged bitches. AND YOU ASSHOLES HAVE TO TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY AND RUIN THE SITE. YOU COCKSUCKERS. It was getting pretty good word of mouth through steakandcheese and rotten and now with all your fucking arguing, people are turned off to it. Rules from now on: 1) NO SWEARING. SWEARING IS FOR THE WEAK. 2) NO MENTIONING MATT'S NAME. 3) YOU SAY SOMETHING BAD AGAIN ABOUT MY BROTHER AND I'LL HAVE YOU UP ON LIABLE CHARGES FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY SPIN CITY. 4) JUST COMMENT, NO ARGUING
You've been warned. Now let's this forum back on track. == Jerry
