Why isn't there one? Seriously. This perplexes me. And unlike the surprise bathtub fart that tickles you into a giggle fit, it's not an amused perplexion either. Instead, this is more a feeling of helpless frustration that pains me on a daily basis.
Really, what am I missing here? Why isn't there an NFL Cheerleader Draft(patent pending)?
Close your eyes for a minute and try to imagine the fever-pitch as the following quote is broadcast in prime time on high-definition flatscreens all across the country:
"As their number one pick in the inaugural NFL Cheerleader Draft, the Dallas Cowboys select...Natalie, from USC!!"
(crowd erupts into jubilant euphoria)
Geezuz. I just got the chills AND an erection. And this is only one superficial male's fictional fantasy land. For now. Commissioner Tagliabue, what the fuck are you waiting for?
Wealth, fame and oh yeah, the love of the game, keeps the players' draft pipeline perpetually stacked. But what about the willingness of the cheerleading subset to declare themselves eligible for draft by any of the League's thirty-two teams? The NFL can't possibly be concerned that the lure of wealth and fame aren't enough to induce the necessary amount of starry-eyed females to declare eligibility. There's plenty of dreamers out there, folks. Trust me on this one.
Take L.A., for example. Has anyone from the Commissioner's office been there recently? Aside from their field trips every other year to change the Raiders hometown back to Oakland, of course. Every waitress or bartender within that city's limits sincerely believes she's the next Jessica Simpson, and will go to any length to prove it.
In fact, L.A. is the only city in the country where poor service can result from your waitress taking an impromptu bolt to the karaoke stage to belt out a Lindsay Lohan cover. Why? Because she heard an A&R rep was somewhere in attendance and you have to chase your dreams, ladies and gentlemen.
We at the Phat Phree thought it might be a good idea to speak with a likely cheerleader draft candidate about this proposed idea. With us today is Brittany, representing the University of Florida and the SEC, a perennial powerhouse conference for those bearing pom poms and the pleated skirt:
TPP: Thanks for taking time away from practice to speak with us today, Brittany. I was watching you in action and you're quite the little spitfire.
Brittany:Actually, people call me Briny. Hee hee, hee hee.
TPP: As I sit here with you, Briny, if you don't mind me saying, I think you're a potential first round pick. Anyway, what do you think about the idea of an NFL Cheerleader Draft?
Briny:World peace.
TPP: Say huh? Briny, I guess you didn't understand the question. Would you consider declaring yourself eligible to be drafted by an NFL cheerleading squad? Is that something in which you'd be interested in doing after college?
Briny:(double back handspring)Go Gators! Yeah! Come on gang!!
Well, at least now we know the interview portion of the draft telecast would be chock full of unintentional comedy.
Unfortunately, the brief chat with Briny didn't turn out to be the most productive use of the the Phat Phree's T&E budget. Changing tack, we found a wonderful group of gals from Columbia University's cheerleading squad. We picked their picked watermelon-sized brains for thoughts on this matter.
The odds of the Ivy League sending a cheerleader to the NFL Draft is about as likely as Terrell Owens getting a bronze statue erected besides Rocky's in Philadelphia. But nonetheless, these ladies can churn out return on invested capital computations faster than Warren Buffett.
Ah, I'm thinking business school might be a wiser choice for you, ladies.
After brainstorming with Columbia's finest, in addition to discussions held with a market-moving Wall Street media analyst from a prominent, white-shoe investment bank, the Phat Phree believes the proposed NFL Cheerleader Draft, despite the additional costs associated with the requisite support of the inevitable Cheerer's Union, would be a financial boon for the League.
And this wouldn't be an NBA / WNBA-type situation either, whereby the parent organization buoys the fledgling, unprofitable and ugly stepsister organization. The NFL Cheerleader's enterprise would and could fund itself. Although, I must admit that the NFL, our nation's only profitable professional sports league, most likely isn't burning the midnight oil for ways to make more money. Their coffers are overflowing with greenbacks thanks to their recently-announced, $1.1 billion per year broadcast rights deal with ESPN and NBC.
ESPN was reportedly losing millions annually under their former rights agreement. While that financial arrangement has changed, broadcasting the NFL Cheerleader Draft (patent still pending) could serve to augment any future losses from its new situation. Over two days of coverage, ESPN rakes in approximately $46 million from its 240, 30-second ad spots which air over that twelve-hour period. Twelve hours is disgusting overkill by the way.
Considering that the ad rate charged per spot is predicated on ratings and this cheerleader draft is obviously a program with no historical precedence, revenue projections are complicated. However, we do have historical precedence when it comes to the proven ability of sex and booty to draw male viewers in droves to whatever programming contains it. The continuing success of the tragedy that is Fear, ahem, "Boob Factor" only buffers this argument.
The Phat Phree proposes the following:
1. The NFL Cheerleader Draft would be broadcast live from the "world's biggest stage" and most overrated sporting venue besides Yankee Stadium: Madison Square Garden. This broadcast would air on ESPN on a Sunday evening from 7:30pm EST, following SportsCenter and run until 11pm. Just in time for really old male perverts to switch to the local news, young male perverts to watch the 11 o'clock SportsCenter, and middle-aged male perverts to catch another Seinfeld re-run.
2. Tons of draft "war room" footage with lots of catty discussions between existing team members and captains about things such as the draft prospects' ass tightness and breast perkiness.
3. While most of the draft picks and decisions will be based upon the cheerleaders on-field performance during their college careers, there will be an American Idol / Miss America pageant-type feel to a large portion of the event. Translation: lots of dirty bathing suit and dancing close-ups.
4. Chris Berman will anchor the programming, Joe Theisman and Joe Namath (as long as he promises no kissing) will join him, because they're guaranteed to provide lewd and hysterical commentary. And a comedian such as Chris Rock will be enlisted on a freelance basis to aid the dialogue's flow.
5. Only pro wrestling, NASCAR, Jets and Raiders fans will be allowed to attend the event, all but ensuring a particularly raucous live audience.
I guarantee that the revenue generated from this single, three and a half-hour NFL Cheerleader Draft episode will at least quadruple ESPN's combined two-day coverage of the NFL Players Draft. Fact.
Mr. Tagliabue, I look forward to taking your call about the idea described herein.
Every little girl with a pom-pom longs to be... ...a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.
Not necessary Posted: 9/7/2005by: DK I'm a red blooded male who ogles cheerleaders as much as any red blodded male does,and I'm an NFL fan,but even I've had it with cherleaders for NFL teams.A REAL pro football fan doesn't need them.I know it's all part of the "Sex Sells" mentality that so many busineses have( And ,in the case of football,it's selling it all as a combination of the old sex and violence) ,but even I can handle only so much gaudiness ,and I've had it with this.The NFL is a sport,not entertainment.It's entertaining,but it shouldn't need "entertainment" or any other form of eye candy,going on,on the sidelines, to keep the average spectator from getting bored.They might be fun for College,but it's time for them to go in the NFL. 5 out of 5 Posted: 9/6/2005by: Frisco Ho . . . just on the basis of the 'SC and Cowboy squads. As for the rest, you could've saved your fingers.
Jen, hanging out in bars is for losers. Try the Commonwealth Club instead. Cheerleader Posted: 9/5/2005by: Stan Greatest Idea Ever Counting the coin Posted: 9/4/2005by: Hugh G Rection Matthew, I hope your dream comes true and you are granted your patent, you'll be lol all the way to the ESPN studios where you will be hired as a expert talking head host of the draft. You will become as famous as "Sign Boy" from the Footjoy golf products ad. You da man! The first 24 picks of the draft will be from USC! Their cheerleaders are the only reason to watch their games other than listening to their opponents lament the USC fight song the band plays after every first down. Bring on the Sweater Puppies! Adam Posted: 9/2/2005by: Jennifer Out of college, spending my money otherwise used to pay off loans. And I didn't go Thursday. Sorry it blew. Thursday at The Shamrock Posted: 9/2/2005by: Adam Why'd the Purple Shamrock blow last night? Shouldn't you college kids be spending rediculous amounts of money in that place at the begining of the semester? I was disapointed. Thanks Posted: 9/2/2005by: Jennifer Sorry a blonde, but yes I have many of the same features as the USC cheerleader 2nd from the left. Stu if you are ever in Boston look for me at the Purple Shamrock. Deuce, no hard feelings I do work in acube but I make $80,000 grannd a year, sadly most of it is paying for my trumpcard. Let me knwo when they bring back the Lemonader or you get stock of Alexander the Grapes, Chow. Oh, I mean Ciao. well Posted: 9/2/2005by: Stu I certainly have no problem with an ivy league cheerleader with great abs. give me shout jennifer :) To All Posted: 9/2/2005by: Sensibility Let it go. Get back to commenting on the USC girls and how hard/where/how long you'd fuck 'em. RE: Jennifer Posted: 9/2/2005by: Patrick However, if she looks anything like the second USC cheerleader from the left, I'll eat her poop.
