I had Roadhouse on the brain. Had it on the brain for weeks, actually. "Gotta do a stream of consciousness review of Roadhouse. GOTTA review Roadhouse." It was my mantra.
For weeks I couldn't get this outta my head. Roadhouse is a Superstation Sunday classic and would be a joy to watch and subsequently, pick to fucking pieces. Unlike the emasculating scenario that unfolded while trying to procure my previously reviewed flick, Footloose, renting Roadhouse was going to be a gratifying experience. I fully expected high-fives from the men on staff and seductive looks from the ladies in line.
I stormed into my neighborhood Blockbuster, which will be coming to a local bankruptcy court near you, and marched right to the "Action" section. No luck. "Drama" section? No luck again. Now panicking, I scoured the "Comedy" section like Jose Canseco rifling through his couch cushions for nickels. Roadhouse was funny, right? Whiff. Fuck.
I retraced my steps and began looking behind DVD cases in the "Drama" section. As I felt pangs of fury and disappointment ringing through my frontal lobe I glanced down and saw (wait for it, wait...) ROCK STAR. Like a professional comedian who's forgotten his next joke, I improv'd myself all over the rental of that puppy. Rock Star it is. Sometimes in life you just gotta turn on a dime.
Rock Star was produced by George Clooney. That makes it the third and final piece of the epic, Clooney-Wahlberg trilogy, fond memories of which we'll all be taking with us to our grave: Three Kings, The Perfect Storm, and Rock Star. May Hollywood never let them collaborate again.
This movie is apparently the true story of "Ripper" Owens, the office supply salesman who replaced Rob Halford in the heavy metal band Judas Priest in 1996. In this movie, Owens, played by Marky Mark Wahlberg, moonlights as a singer for the cover band Blood Pollution, until the overwhelmingly popular heavy metal act, Steel Dragon, recruits him for a full-time position.
The review will be done in a stream of consciousness format. Let's git it on...
-I'll bet you right now the "rock on" hand signal will make its dreaded appearance felt more than thirty times in this movie. I just have a hunch. I'm keeping a running count throughout to see if it appears as much as I think it will. One rule however- it doesn't count towards the tally if done by extras in the crowd; that'd be overload.
- HOLY SHIT, the bass player in Steel Dragon is being played by Jeff Pilson from Dokken. This is AWESOME. Just kidding. How uncomfortable were you for the split second you thought that I was really a heavy metal diehard? I read this on the Yahoo Movies description.
- Oh, I get it, Blood Pollution is a cover band. Excellent, nothing in the history of the music industry has been easier to make fun of than cover bands. Right now I feel like I just emerged from the Pro Shop with a brand new Big Bertha War Bird and the impatient members of my foursome have already tee'd up my Titleist for me. The pressure's on.
- We're officially two minutes and thirty seconds into the movie and Mark Wahlberg ("Chris") has just applied his first dab of mascara. Don't forget the lip gloss.... there you go brother. You're a rocker now. Good Lord. Cliche alert.
(Rock-On Count: 2)
-Marky Mark is stomping around in black leather pants. And no, I'm not ashamed, I looked, and he's NO Dirk Diggler in this film. Can someone from wardrobe please get this guy a tube sock?
- He has flames on his car AND his jacket? Blindsided by that one. Where will the Director take us next? I can't wait to find out....how about eight rock-ons in nine seconds? I feel like I just fought Sandman for the first time in Mike Tyson's Punchout. Of course, they zoomed in on the Pennsylvania license plates. Of course they did. Everyone has it out for this state.
(Rock-On Count: 10, and we're only 4:44 into the movie by the way. Like taking quarters from a slots-entranced senior citizen at Bally's. Easy money.)
(Rock-On Count: 11 This isn't even really funny anymore. Oh wait, yes it is.)
- Oh, hello Mr. Suspension of Disbelief, didn't expect to be seeing you so soon. Chris (Wahlberg's name in the movie, remember? Pay attention, dammit.) has front row seats to the Steel Dragon concert. That's convenient. And he's distracting Bobby Beers, the lead singer, by outdueling him during the song, despite the fact that the lead singer has a MICROPHONE, which is attached to GIANT SPEAKERS. Right. What's next, him getting called up on stage like Courtney Cox in the "Dancing in the Dark" video?
- YESSSS, a rival cover ba...whoops, sorry everybody, a rival TRIBUTE band brawl. But only after they argue who dresses the most like Steel Dragon, of course.
- Chris is a copy machine repair man? Did the writers steal this plot from Boogie Nights? (That's two Boogie Nights digs for those keeping track. Sorry, but it's like saying no to a complimentary "happy ending" at a rub and tug massage parlor. You just can't resist.
- Alright, I've been in denial. That's Jennifer Anniston (Emily) playing Chris's girlfriend. What the hell was she thinking taking this role? I bet Wahlberg wouldn't agree to do this script unless someone as hot as Aniston played opposite him. Marky's influence has never ceased to amaze me. Dammit Jennifer, you're better than this. But then again, you let the Pitt man get away so your judgment isn't exactly what I thought it was.
- Yowza, an erotic Chris and Emily nipple piercing scene as it fades to black with AC/DC kickin' it in the background. Well done. For the record, I'm no longer questioning this selection.
(Rock-On Count: 14)
- INTERband brawl this time. Don't let the long hair fool ya folks; these "ladies" are all man and will throw down if their honor or more importantly, their devotion to the cover band's inspiration, is questioned.
- The cover ba...dammit, sorry, did it again. The TRIBUTE band is having an identity crisis. "Chris, wouldn't you rather fail as yourself than as some Bobby Beers clone?" That's beautiful, man, just beautiful.
- The band just broke up. Whoa, never saw that coming. I can practically hear the narrator's voice from VH1's "Behind the Scenes" (it's imperative that you say this next quote in his voice by the way): ..."as the band spiraled downward into a sea of depression and divergent interests, tempers flared, creative expression was stunted, but most disappointing of all, their fans were the ones who would eventually suffer."
- Chris just went from rock bottom and questioning his place in life to getting a phone call summoning him to L.A. to sing with the real Steel Dragon. Let me back this up a second... yep, that transition officially took, ah, 42 seconds.
Called up on stage for singing along really well. Yeah, that happens.
- Bon Jovi's LIVIN' ON A PRAYER in the background as Chris arrives in L.A. I'm in heaven. "Whoa whoa whoa, wa wa whoa whoa whoa"....
(Author's Note: I felt the need to disclose that I used to do pushups to this song because it fired me up so much. And I'm not even from Jersey. Whatta loooooser.)
..."We'll give it a shot.....ohhhhhhhh....we're halfway there......ohhh OHHH...."
- Wait a second, now the REAL Steel Dragon is breaking up? Moving right along, aren't we? What's next, Chris auditions for them and lands the gig? Sorry, couldn't help myself.
- Bobby Beers, Steel Dragon's lead singer, just came out of the closet, removed his rocker wig, tossed a couple "you bloody bastards" around, and exited stage left. Or stage right. I can never remember how to figure that out. Damn all you thespians and your infinite knowledge.
- Chris's name is "Izzy" now that he's the lead singer of Steel Dragon. Hmm? I thought they would've gone with something more fitting for a heavy metal rocker, like "Townsend" or "Carter." Fooled me again, you crazy writers.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: It's now the tailgate scene minutes before Izzy's first big concert. Amidst all the feathered-hair metal heads was a black guy scalping tickets. The first black person in the movie and he's scalping tickets? Try as they might, but the Hollywood establishment just can't get this stuff by me.)
(Rock-On Count: 15 We've settled into a nice steady rhythm now.)
- Izzy just lectured the crowd on following your dreams, because "we all die young." Izzy, they are living their dreams, man. Leather, hairspray and heavy metal rock. Don't spoil it by clueing them in that there's other things out there. You'll have a riot on your hands. And it won't be a Quiet Riot either. Heh, I kill myself.
(Rock-On Count: 21 You can't even hope to contain them.)
-Getting bombarded with a steady dose of 80s extravaganza now... INXS' "Devil Inside", then Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax." Where the hell is the Malaysian Prime Minister? I'm taking him down.
- Holy crap, awesome after-party scenes. Jennifer Anniston just engaged in a lesbian make out session. Was this Brad Pitt's get out of jail free card with Angelina Jolie? I think I have a chubby.
- Now Izzy's making out with anyone that has Aquanet-enabled bangs and was just slipped a pill by some groupie. I'm guessing it wasn't a Flinstones vitamin.
- Although over the top, with more nude bodies than an Eyes Wide Shut orgy scene, the Director did a decent job conveying the miserable rock star, hungover morning wakeup experience. Izzy was smacking his cotton-mouthed lips wonderfully. Maybe it was indeed a Flinstones vitamin. How else could he have had the energy to take all those bitches down?
- Yikes. The groupie that slipped Izzy the roofie, yeah, she was a man. He just saw her taking a standup pee-pee. I'm going Crying Game for him in a show of solidarity.
Tour Bus: three bongs, a porn on the tube, a Phillies Blunt, a shotgun, and three groupies and/or pro bono hookers. Right, I get the picture. ROCK ON. Lame overkill.
- Rachel Hunter just made a cameo as a bandmember's wife. She looks terrible.
- Emily's leaving Izzy. She can't do this anymore. So much heartbreak. I feel like I'm watching The Story of Us with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer all over again.
- Izzy is being told to "dream big, live the life" by his fellow bandmember. Who happens to be hooked up to a dialysis machine by the way. Nice touch. Will this hurt the message's credibility? Check that, seems as if Izzy is heeding his advice and going with it...
(Rock-On Count: 27)
...about three scenes after he crashed a motorcycle through his hotel room's doors for kicks, he's told he's in Seattle, by Em, who came to visit him as they planned months ago. Is this the proverbial rock bottom scene? I've got a feeling it might be.
- Everybody say hello to Izzy, who's now playing the angry and frustrated rock star. Remember when Dirk Diggler started lashing out at everyone? Shrink the manhood by five inches, lengthen the hair by fifteen inches, and you've pretty much got the same exact scenario. Another plot twist we all had no idea was coming.
(Rock-On Count: 31 I WIN.)
- Wait, didn't we see this already? A fan in the front row is outsinging IZZY? Deja vu much? Great touch, you crazy screenplay writers; you've brought us full circle. Acoustic outdecibles electric every time. We learned this earlier. Except Izzy ain't no Bobby Queers (sorry, too easy), he's pulling the fan onstage, passing the baton and walking away from it all. Chills. No, seriously, I'm moved.
- Welcome back Chris. Oh boy, he's doing his best Scott Stapp impersonation in some Seattle coffee shop. Of course he's singing original accoustic now. OF COURSE he is.
Thumb in belt loops. Amazing. A Dirk Diggler-esque cock framing.
- Emily saw the show's flyer. They miss each other. They're gonna get back together...at some point. I just know it. Rock on, you two. Fade to black.
Anybody else written nearly 2,000 words about the movie Rock Star? Didn't think so. I need a bag of rocks, some rope, and a bridge over troubled waters.
ROCKSTAR Posted: 11/17/2005by: Johnny B Oman I'm so glad that this wasn't a Swayze flick being reviewed, I boycott his and Kevin Bacon's films cause they're so annoying, not saying that I'm not but them guys are annoying to me. Great job disecting this VH1 classic and now it's a must rent for me as well.
"Even Jesus hates creed" Bad Movie Bad Impression Posted: 7/14/2005by: Jester in New Orleans I enjoyed more the overkill of my youth days revisited than the actual movie. True I stood infront of my mom's full length mirror lipsyncing the lyrics to English Hair Metal for hours. But at least my "British" accent sounded real. Izzy's is horrific. In one scene he is stating "he eats pussy, alot of it". Few scenes later (with a bleeding head maybe that is why) he is talking straight Pennslyvanian about how he use to have posters of these guys on his wall and now he is one of them! What happened Izzy, forgot the accent? If you are going to play the part play the part and stay in character. The Philosophical Bouncer/Cooler Posted: 6/30/2005by: Dalton "Pain don't hurt."
Great review man. A must rent Posted: 6/30/2005by: matt I too was hoping for the Roadhouse review, but Rockstar is a damn good back-up. I have only seen it on VHI as well in the midst of bong hits and some Miller High Life, but after reading your D.H. Lawrencesque review seems like a rental, look forward to stream of consciousness Ghostbusters 2. From 1988? Posted: 6/30/2005by: Jesse L. Shit man, what about "Bloodsport"? If that came out the same year as "Roadhouse", I'll take the former any day of the week.
And Kelly Lynch is kind of a dog anyway. ok........ Posted: 6/30/2005by: michael matt m good review, roadhouse will be a delight cause seeing swayze do his bloodsport impersonation is priceless....... Yes Jesse You are Posted: 6/30/2005by: mikiesoks Jesse- you are on your own. What movies from that year did you like better?? Roadhouse Posted: 6/30/2005by: Tom A didn't do it for me, either.
Swayze was better in: "The Outsiders"; "Grandview, U.S.A."; "Red Dawn"; and "Point Break."
Not so good in "Dirty Dancing: Havanna Nights"
Sweet review, Mr. McCoy - I feel a drunken rental coming on...
P.S. That must be the scalper who stole my tickets while selling me some crack! roadhouse! Posted: 6/30/2005by: gashdaddy gawddamit! where is the fucking roadhouse review?! Fuck Rock Star! We want Roadhouse! What is Worse: Posted: 6/30/2005by: Joe Mama Writing 2,000 words on Rock Star, or reading 2,000 words on Rock Star. Also, i have only seen this movie on VH1, and i guess i am missing out
