Last week I sent this exact phrase to myself using a work email account. No resulting warnings from the "Head of Global Email Review." No suspension without pay. And certainly no dismissal. Nothing. Nada.
Compliance is a myth.
There, I said it. And I feel better now that I did.
Religion got its start because some pharaoh long ago needed a way to keep his poor and starving masses from growing further restless. The subsequent God-fearing clause turned out to be a brilliant and economical way of governing the people. Who woulda thunk it?
(Twenty-Second Timeout: I'm sure this site's readers in the Bible Belt LOVED that comment. Ahhh, chew on it, you fucking radicals.)
Compliance's origination is not all that dissimilar. In the early 1990s, some perverted backoffice employee had a habit of spending his entire work day pleasuring himself to various kiddie porn sites in between filing chores. Hours spent clicking his way to "knee-buckler" after glorious knee-buckling orgasm went unpunished by the firm. Neither management nor his coworkers seemed to mind as perv boy had the corner cube, kept groans to a dull roar and somehow still got his work done. No harm, no foul.
That is, until the company's annual "Bring Yours Kids to Work Day" arrived and little Joey Jr. wandered too far from Papi's office. Let's just say he got an eyeful. Literally or figuratively; the interpretation has been left up to you.
Welcome to Lawsuit City. As word of this potential liability spread, "Compliance Departments" began springing up all across the nation. Mythically anyway. Manuals were distributed with strict guidelines governing employees' code of conduct with regard to many areas, but mostly pertaining to their use of the company's email and internet applications.
My personal favorite is the following clause, which is always stated in bold and is invariably accompanied by threats of dire consequences if disobeyed:
"E-mail and Internet usage will be for work purposes only."
HA! I don't think I've ever used work email for work purposes. EVER. No, seriously. Last Friday alone, which happened to be a respectable one in terms of personal email volume, I churned out 384 personal messages. In the afternoon. Hey, it was a boring day, so I felt compelled to send out a few bait-mails to drum up some chatter. I see nothing wrong with that. You've been there too, don't be ashamed.
And how about internet usage? My Favorites list is three menus long and contains only one website that could be construed as work-related. As opposed to the nine that are directly related to furthering my Fantasy Football superiority.
I've spent more time on Orbitz than most travel agents and it's not because I'm looking to save the company money by booking cheap flights when visiting clients. Rather, it's because I'm trying to get the elusive billiards and volley-pong games to spontaneously appear. Damn you Orbitz.
And last but not least, I blog about fellow employees like a motherfucker. Come on, someone admit this to me, Compliance is a myth. Go ahead, fire me. I'll sell a book, grow the website and tell my story (with tears welling) to Regis and that hot married slut Kelly Ripa.
Oddly, Eug and Der... Posted: 12/14/2005by: Truth I was crying so hard the vein in my head actually did burst. Wow, I knew you guys were smart. Stick it to the man Posted: 12/12/2005by: Mike Shit, man, I'm at work right now. I better get to a porn site fast or I won't hit my quota for the day. Porn is a harsh, but fair, master. Matt Posted: 12/12/2005by: Jesus I best not catch you talkin shit bout religion again. Shit boy, I'll peel yo' cap back if I ever hear you disrepectin my momma's baby's daddy (God). I ain't playin, holla H-town. Kudos Matt Posted: 12/12/2005by: Atlas I think you made a very good point in a concise manner. HMK Posted: 12/12/2005by: matt Thanks. Matt Posted: 12/12/2005by: HMK For once I agree with you! Very nicely put also. religion Posted: 12/12/2005by: matt seperates people into a pre-set belief system why spirituality is a way of understanding the human condition. Spirituality should be personal and open to interpretation, very few religions (despite their orgins) leave room for debate. Feel free to chastise me. Deuce Posted: 12/12/2005by: HMK Yep, I know! Oh and thanks for the welcome, it's nice to have some free time.
HMK Posted: 12/12/2005by: deuce 1st - welcome back. 2nd - your "let us make up our own beliefs yada, yada" statement was my point. Aww? Deuce Posted: 12/12/2005by: HMK Simmer down boy, dear god this is a comedy site, there is no room for corrections or specifics. Let us all make up our own beliefs and misguide ourselves where ever we want to, just as long as we laugh along the way that is all that matters my son. Now I shall pass on the Soap Box!
