I'm living the dream right now, and I'm lovin' every minute of it. As I type this, I'm staring at my recently purchased Road House DVD. Yeah, that's right, I own Road House. And it's taunting me to review it.
Patrick Swayze's in the foreground with folded arms and a tussled mullet. The infamous Double Deuce is in the background, luring passers-by looking for trouble like a siren calling out to its unsuspecting victims. But not on his watch. It's the moment we've all been waiting for...
...the stream of consciousness review of the TBS Superstation Heavyweight Movie of the World: ROAD HOUSE. In the epilepsy-inducing words of DNC Chair Howard Dean:
Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhwwwwwww!!!!!!!!
There are so many reasons why I chose this film for my next review. Cuddly little Patrick Swayze playing a bouncer-for-hire is the most obvious one. However, it wasn't until I read his character, Dalton, described as having a "unique mixture of brute force and Zen oneness", that I decided to make it official. I'd like to say a screenwriter wouldn't dare, but one obviously did. And thank God for that.
You can try and convince me all you want, but I guarantee P-Swaze, as he'll be referred to going forward, treats the phrase, "mixture of brute force and zen oneness" as words to live by. His credo; his mantra so to speak.
I didn't even let the headlining endorsement on the back of the DVD case stop me:
"Non-stop action!" - The Milwaukee Journal
Is it a bad sign when Laverne and Shirley's hometown rag highlights your endorsement list? Yikes.
Let's do this thing...
- Dalton just got slashed with a shiv across his left deltoid to open the movie and he smirks it off? I'm realizing I've never even seen this part before, and this movie's been on TBS every Sunday afternoon since 1996, which was coincidentally right about the point when people stopped pretending the '80s didn't exist.
On the disabled list and out of commission before we even get started? Where can the movie possibly go from here?
- He's stitching himself in the mirror. With his shirt off course. It's now obvious that we should be tallying how many scenes P-Swaze appears in with his shirt off. Apparently little-boy bodies were all the rage in 1989.
(Little Boy Body Count: That's 1)
- I'm about to ask a question, and despite what my fupa-toting fifth grade math teacher used to drill into my class's ignorant heads, there IS such a thing as a stupid question.
Here we go: Is there really a bouncer-for-hire circuit out there where angry men get recruited like mercenaries? Seriously, I want to know. I can keep a secret. Seriously. $500 a night in Kansas, by the way? Yeah, okay.
- My favorite moment thus far? As he's stitching up his own knife wound, Dalton comments to his bar-owning suitor: "I don't fly, it's too dangerous." I get it. Sarcasm. We got some tricky script writers on our hands with this one, folks.
- The Double Deuce's introduction to the movie audience is absolute sensory overload:
The band is playing in a chicken wired coop; Biker gangs are omnipresent; There's a drunk asleep on the bar, AND one passed out standing up in the corner; Brawls; Skin tight, stonewashed Lee's, on men; White hightops galore; Bouncers hitting on horny minors.
A little slice of wonderful, if you ask me. Oh yeah, and a guy dancing with his shirt off as if it's completely acceptable behavior. Wait, is this Northern Jersey? I thought this was filmed in Jasper, Kansas.
- Well, it's official. The undisputed best bar pickup line, for those keeping track, is:
"Heyyy Vodka Rocks, whaddya say you and me get nipple to nipple?"
I'm crying laughing. That's a rewind. It's getting better. Convulsing. Shit, I have to pee now. Back in a minute...
- Wait a second, is that? Yep, IT IS. That's Terry Funk playing a Double Deuce bouncer. Holy shit, what a find. And my mother told me all those hours spent watching professional wrasslin' was a waste of time.
For those who don't know him, Terry Funk is wrestling's Living Legend and after "competing" professionally in the WWF and other leagues, he now wrestles in the ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling). He's one of the 100 Greatest Wrestlers of the 20th Century, and his trademark moves were the Spinning Toe-Hold & The Chicken Punch. I just got the chills. If I see the Chicken Punch I may weep with joy.
I got that he's 6' 1" from Terry Funk's internet bio, by the way. Which probably means that he's really 5' 11". And he TOWERS over Swayze. Just once, I want someone to tell me the real reason why movie stars are midgets. Is it a union thing?
- Dalton's renting a room above a barn from some hillbilly named Emmett, who's apparently an Uncle Jesse fan. Because he's his clone. Only dirtier. Say what you want about Uncle Jesse, but his hygiene was impeccable. We also just got our first taste of Brad Wesley, who's played by Ben Gazarra. He's the Jasper Kingpin and gave the barn and its horses a Top Gun fly-by in his chopper. And thus, the movie's antagonist is made clear.
- Dalton's lecturing the Double Deuce staff on how to be a "Cooler." That's industry lingo for bouncer. Good, now we're all in the know.
- Whoops, excuse me, I was mistaken. There's only one Cooler, and that's Dalton. The rest are his minions, or bouncers. Apparently, the Cooler is like the platoon leader or something. This technical jargon is exhausting. I wish they'd just get to the action...
- My sense of timing is uncanny. Dalton just crashed some switchblade-wielding hick's face through a Double Deuce tabletop. The guy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. In Jasper, Kansas. I knew he was trouble from the minute I saw him.
- Steve, another bouncer, is clobbering some teenager from behind in the storage room. She's coo'ing real bagood, too. Damn you Superstation, I never knew this scene even existed. She gained entrance with a Sears credit card, by the way. Dalton fired him. Couldn't he even wait until the money shot? Hardass.
(Little Boy Body Count: 2)
- Brad Wesley is going Hugh Hefner on us and throwing a late-night skinny dippin' pool orgy. Atta boy. To be honest, he's been a lovable antagonist thus far.
(Little Boy Body Count: 3) Geezuz, and Dalton wasn't even at the pool party.
- WHOA WHOA WHOA, I didn't sign up for this. A P-Swaze ASS SHOT? And again, he's not even at the pool party. It's morning now and he's just getting out of bed. What the fuck? Completely unnecessary. Dalton rocks it commando in jeans by the way. Of course he does. I just puked in my mouth. Alright, fuck it, I'm pretending this never happened. Movin along... quickly please...
(Little Boy Body Count: 4)
Coolers get ass. It's very simple.
- Emmett's spying on Dalton, who's getting his zen on while practicing Tai Chi (think martial arts, not Starbucks) in tight gray sweatpants. I can't tell if Emmett looks all hot and bothered or just plain scared. Since he's wearing overalls, my money's on hot and bothered. It's an uncomfortable moment. Mainly for me.
- We're back at the Double Deuce now and Wesley's nephew, the bartender Dalton fired, wants his job back. He just pulled a Croc Dundee-sized knife out and is waving it around like a sparkler on the Fourth of July. Dalton breaks his nose and... wait a second... back the DVD up... HOLY SHIT, the guy's nose was bloodied before Dalton even hit it. Did they even edit this fucking film before releasing it? I feel cheated.
- Holy shnikies, who's the nurs... I mean doctor? That's Kelly Lynch playing Dr. Elizabeth Clay of course. This is about to turn into a romance flick, isn't it? For those wondering, Kelly immediately parlayed Road House's 1989 success into Drugstore Cowboy, Curly Sue and Desperate Hours. All in the next two years. She was the Queen of Hollywood at the time.
- Dalton is turning down local anesthesia before getting his latest knife wound stapled up with the line: "pain don't hurt." I don't really know what to say. But he does: "no one ever wins a fight." By golly, I think he likes her.
- The Double Deuce's bouncer staff, led by their fearless Cooler, is laying a beatdown on a contingent of Wesley's boys. It's eerily similar to the final fight scene in Footloose. Dr. Clay, who's looking particularly ravishing this evening if I might say so, witnessed the whole thing. The countdown to the inevitable panty drop scene is officially on.
-The Double Deuce is now a legitimate bar and under ownership's control. How do I know? The chicken wire around the band is no longer necessary. Duh. Pay attention.
- Uh oh, it looks like the panty drop clock isn't going to be ticking very long. Doc Clay is in Dalton's barn loft. She's putty in his hands. No one can resist a mullet in combination with a loft's rustic charm.
- Whoa, the Doc ain't wearing panties. Does this mean I lost on a technicality? That's bullshit. But more importantly, damn you again, TBS, I can't believe I was missing out on all this shit. She's gittin' it up against the chimney? Pow. Dalton, you playah.
Quick question for the two females still left reading this piece (Hi Gram!!): What does it mean when a girl laughs while you're having sex with her? Judging by Dalton's curiously stunted half-pump thrusts, my guess is that she's laughing at his "mini gherkin."
(Little Boy Body Count: 5) With a hint of ass crack too.
- Brad Wesley, Dalton's soon to be arch-enemy, is fond of Doc Clay. And thus, we have our first startling plot twist. Never saw that one coming.
- Wait, Terry Funk works for Wesley now? What the f-? This isn't the WWF. You can't just switch sides like that. It goes to show you, ya can take the wrestler out of the ring, but you can't take the wrestling out of the wrestler.
- Enter Wade Garrett, Dalton's Cooler mentor. Garrett's played by Sam Elliott who, by the way, has at least fourteen cowboy movies that I know of in his "filmography." Typecasted much? Hell, he even played a cowboy in the Big Lebowski, which was a stoner movie set in L.A. My favorite part about his character is that he calls P-Swaze "Mejo" (pronounced "meho", ya moron). I bet P-Swaze hated this.
- It's showdown time at the Double Deuce. Wesley, still furious from watching the girl he desires get shingle-burned knees while bucking Dalton on the barn roof, is starting to wreak havoc. He's turned his top hit man (Jimmy) loose, and the guy is busting Dalton's bouncers up with a pool cue. I smell a showdown brewin'.
Wesley stops it; however, with a gunshot from his shiny pistol right as Dalton got involved. Come on man, I just want to go to bed. Let them finish each other off already.
- Dammit, those screenwriters caught me napping again. They gave Wesley's bouncers a monster truck and outfitted the town's car salesman in an American flag tie. I can't keep up. What will they throw at me next?
- Wesley's really tearing shit up now. Remember that monster truck? Well, it just rode through the used car lot and turned them all into scrap. "It's my town, and don't you forget it," he tells patriotic tie man. He's a baaaadddd mamma jamma.
(Little Boy Body Count: 6)
- Mejo is working the heavy bag in those fucking creepy gray sweatpants. Got a good lather goin' but it looks suspiciously like corn oil. I don't trust wardrobe departments. But anyway, he's on a mission now. Jasper's more than just another Cooler job. Dalton ain't leavin' until things are right.
(Little Boy Body Count: 7) Does it only count as one to the tally if he's shirtless for the next ten fucking minutes?
- Wow, Wesley's top man just torched Emmett's place. He's "trying" to get away on a dirt bike, but somehow Dalton catches him on foot and tackles him from it in an epic dive effort not seen since Bill Walsh College Football 1995.
- The showdown we've all been waiting for is here:
Dalton versus Jimmy
To signal it's importance and the movie's impending climax, the writers stepped it up a notch with this dialogue:
Jimmy: "Prepare to die."
Dalton: "Yer such an asshole."
That's how you win the little gold statuettes, folks.
- They're kung fu'ing and they're karate chopping. It's a pretty good brawl actually. I wonder who's going to win?
(Twenty-Second Timeout: Jimmy just had Dalton in a headlock and said "I used to fuck guys like you in prison." Aside from bursting into hysterical laughter, I'm perplexed over what he was trying to convey to him. That he was gay? That Dalton was about to be made his little bitch? That those creepy gray sweatpants actually turn some people on? Will someone please tell me because it's freaking me out, man. Next time I get pissed at a coworker I'm going to use this line. I'll let you know how it goes.)
- Hold on. Did Dalton just rip Jimmy's throat out? I repeat, did Dalton just RIP JIMMY'S THROAT OUT? That's some Indiana Jones, Temple of Doom-type shit. Suspension of disbelief much?
- Wade Garrett's dead now, by the way. Yeah, they stabbed him. That's all I have to say about that.
- Dalton's got rage in his eyes. He's taking it to Wesley now, attacking his compound across the creek. In a bit of dramatic irony, Dalton uses the knife that killed his mentor to hold down the gas pedal in the car and sends it hurtling toward Wesley's house as a distraction.
So there's this car, with no one it, right? Then why can I see a stunt man driving through the tinted windows? I'm getting fed up. They're not even trying to hide their lies to me now. I want my money back.
- Wesley's dead from four shotgun blasts to the chest. He took three before he finally went flying through the air on the fourth. Hmmm, tougher than I thought. The townspeople have their shithole back. Good work.
- Jusssst when I thought it was time to pack it in and call it a night...
Where the fuck is Keanu? I need him to make me look good.
BAM...(Little Boy Body Count: 8)
- Once again, I've seen how much TBS is keeping from the American public on a daily basis with its communist-like censorship. All these years and I could've been watching P-Swaze and Doc Clay engage in a skinny dipping, love-making finale? As the credits role, I have a bitter taste in my mouth. Soon, so will Doc Clay. Heh.
El Mexican Posted: 7/20/2005by: Rolando Spanish 101
It's "Mi Hijo"....my son. "I thought you'd be bigger..." Posted: 7/11/2005by: greg Wow, excellent review. There's something comforting about a chessy movie of this magnitude. And ambitious screenwriters, too. a bouncer who majored in philosophy, owns a mercedes, sleeps in a barn and bangs a hot nurse? Brilliant!!
One minor critique: I would argue that Terry Funk's signature move was the Pile Driver, a deadly technique that put Rick Flair in a neck brace for several matches(back when it was the NWA, National Wresting Association). Mijo Posted: 7/7/2005by: Justin Spanish for "my son". Holy crap this was excellent. Thanks and keep up the good work The "Boot-Knife" Posted: 7/6/2005by: Andy N The specially designed swichblade boot was classic. Great review, and also, I havent seen that many hot chicks at a Stip Club, let alone the DD in Mizzou. Be-yoo-ti-ful Posted: 7/6/2005by: Leon "what if they call my mama a whore?" "is she?" Awesome! I snuck in and saw this flick when I was 12 years old at the dollar theatre after purchasing a ticket for "Dick Tracy". The movie is laughably bad and completely over-the-top. So why do I smile every time I think of it? Why do I sit thru til the very end every time it's on TBS? Come to think of it, I've actually watched the last 45 minutes on Telemundo` before as well! It has everything! P-Swaze at his toughest; Sam Elliot at his bassvoiceest; and the most evil man in the world played by Ben Gazzara. You know what else? Kelly Lynch was bangin' in this movie. And what can you say about Terry Funk? Of course my favorite part is the Jimmy/Dalton brawl. Especially after D rips out the guy's larynx and then drags him into the water shouting: "WESLEEEEYYY!!!!" across the creek. Substitute "DRAAAGGGOOO" for Wesley and you have another film. Great stuff and a big part of my childhood.
p.s. watch during the monster-truck thru the showroom scene for Benny "The Jet" Urquidez as one of Wesley's thugs.
Be-yoo-ti-ful Posted: 7/6/2005by: Leon "what if they call my mama a whore?" "is she?" Awesome! I snuck in and saw this flick when I was 12 years old at the dollar theatre after purchasing a ticket for "Dick Tracy". The movie is laughably bad and compeltely over-the-top. So why do I smile every time I think of it? Why do I sit thru til the very end every time it's on TBS? Come to think of it, I've actually watched the last 45 minutes on Telemundo` before as well! It has everything! P-Swaze at his toughest; Sam Elliot at his SonnyBargerest; the most evil man in the world played by Ben Gazzara. You know what else? Kelly Lynch was bangin' in this movie. And what can you say about Terry Funk? Of course my favorite part is the Jimmy/Dalton brawl. Especially after D rips out the guy's larynx and then drags him into the water shouting: "WESLEEEEYYY!!!!" across the creek. Great stuff and a big part of my childhood.
p.s. watch during the monster-truck thru the showroom scene for Benny "The Jet" Urquidez as one of Welsey's thugs.
Awesome Film, Awesomer Review... Posted: 7/6/2005by: Steve K "The Double DOUCHE" - Sam Elliot
Great review. classic flick Posted: 7/6/2005by: natgaspunk forgot to rip on that asian inspired shirt/robe??? he walks around in towards the end of the movie great, great article Posted: 7/6/2005by: Bryan G. That was hilarious. That movie is so ridiculous. Patrick Swayze as a bouncer is as ridiculous as Tom Cruise as a spy in Mission Impossible. Like I want either of those two douchebags saving the world. Ya know, P-Swaze only beat Chris Farley in that Chippendales contest b/c Chris's body was so fat. 5 man... Posted: 7/6/2005by: Chrissy a fuckin' 5. Way to start my morning, loved it!
