Twas a typical Sunday night. One on which I was miserably working my way, step-by-step, through the standard, Sunday Scaries coping process: whimper; drink a beer; cry; drink another beer; dread the inevitable alarm clock; sob; hide under my covers, sob harder; consider getting back into Catholicism, etc.
I decided to go for a walk and pay my favorite Korean bodega owner a visit. Haagen Daz vanilla chocolate chip soothes the soul. On the way back to my humble abode, I noticed the gay bar across the street from my building was bustling a bit more than usual for this night. Which really says something, considering gay men go out EVERY night of the week. But something was different. Cowboy hats. Everywhere.
Oh yeah, the Oscars are on. Aside from the Gay Pride Parade, this is the biggest homosexual social event of the year.
So I sprinted back to the bodega, grabbed two six-packs and fired up my laptop to see what would pour forth from my two typing fingers. Heres how the 78th Academy Awards show unfolded, through my eyes:
-I missed the opening monologue. Fuck. I imagine Jon Stewart waxed political, but apparently he didnt, according to a friend. The Academy clearly has him under wraps. Classic knee-jerk overreaction as a result of Chris Rock pissing everyone off last year. Love that guy, by the way.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: Living in close proximity to Manhattans Theater District, I happen to have a few neighbors in my building who are pursuing alternative lifestyles. See aforementioned, adjacent gay bar reference. But to tell you the truth, this doesnt bother me, despite the fact that my worst nightmare involves an Equinox gym steam room, giggling muscleheads holding me down, and severe, residual ass pain. Theyre actually pretty good neighbors clean, a high noise tolerance, and theres always a wonderful dinner smell emanating from within the confines of their residence.
Although, theyre always so fucking happy, it can get a bit frustrating. And tonight, theyre REALLY fucking giddy and euphoric. I can sense them willing Brokeback Mountain to victory in multiple categories as a way to vindicate said alternative lifestyle.)
-Clooney wins Best Supporting.
(Gay Neighbor Update: "Boooo! Hisssss! You're gorgeous, but you're still a hetero asshole to us, Clooney! "Apparently my neighbors thought Jake Gyllenhaal shouldve won.)
-As Nicole Kidman presents George Clooney with his first gold-plated doorstop, I cant help but wonder as I type this why forced procreation laws arent on the docket. It just makes sense as an ever-evolving species with an eye toward perpetual progression. Its as frustrating to me as when Lavar Arrington and Serena Williams didnt pop out a couple super athletes when they were together. If I had been blessed with a super genetic code, Id be looking to team up and create superior offspring on a nightly basis. Im realizing this rant has gotten a tad Aryan, so its time to move along
Note to Hollywood: Get rid of the visual effects category. Its the equivalent of Houdini sitting down and explaining his tricks to the audience before a performance. The more you clue people in on how fake movies are, the less mystified audiences become. And besides, the fucking geeks that win this award every year are uncomfortable to watch on stage.
-Two dudes wearing huge bow ties just won Best Animated Feature. I was hoping for Tim Burton to win just because hes so goddamn crazy looking, he makes me feel centered. But now that theyre up there, I realize these two guys are on the very short list of Oscar winners that cant get laid at an afterparty.
-Dolly Parton is performing. Remember when all those feminists went on the anti-Barbie campaign, stating that her proportions were unrealistic and that if she were real, shed tip over? Well, Dolly Parton proves those vegan lesbians all sorts of wrong. How old is Dolly, anyway? Shes gotta be in her sixties. TONS of work done. She needs more upkeep than Burt Reynolds.
(McCoy Beer Count: 4. After a weekend spent pursuing cirrhosis in earnest, Im just starting to feel normal again.)
-Ive never seen a short film. Have you? Where do these things play? I dont even know what they are, actually. What about that catchy, make sure to throw out your garbage jingle with the dancing Raisinets thats played before the previews in movie theaters? Is that a short film? This category is definitely when all the stars take their first pee breaks. Nary a crowd pan to be seen. Im on to you, Oscar producers.
(Gay Neighbor Update: Im feeing a buzz from next door. The short film winner is Six Shooter, with Martin McDonagh accepting. He was basically stroking poor Oscar as he lisped his way through the acceptance speech. Deviant giggles coming from the apartment next door.)
-Pow, Jennifer Anniston presents. She looks stellar. Actually, Id like to give her an award: The Blue Collar Actress Award. Whats that, you ask? Well, when "Friends" was at its peak, Anniston starred in many of my personal fantasy reels on a nightly basis. To the point where shed even talk back to me and give excuses why she couldnt perform that night, like a headache, or it was that time of the month. She was my pee-pee touching go-to girl. Even now, every once in a while, when Im in a dry spell or struggling for fresh material, Ill go back and visit with her.
-Last year I remember noticing that the model hostesses that lurked in the background while every award is presented looked like genetically engineered Amazon escorts. I remember wondering whose idea it was to bring in these WNBA washouts. Every actor in Hollywood is less than 5'8". They have to find it extremely emasculating. Well, all the hot bitches are short again. I guarantee that little orange midget, Dustin Hoffman, was behind the return to tiny hotties.
-Whys Russell Crowe so angry?
-Morgan Freeman rocking the Oscars sans tie, with ascot. Strong.
-Helllooo Rachel Weisz. At this time, Id like to start the voting for Best Actress, Supported. Translation: best boobies of the night.
-I just realized Rachel is pregnant. Fuck. Aside from feeling really creepy, Im debating whether that gets her disqualified from this prestigious category or not. Ill get back to you on this.
-0 for 2 so far on Brokeback. All is quiet on the gay neighbor front. I can picture a lot of manicures getting chewed to waste over there as they fret about their movies fate.
-Realizing theres an inordinate amount of old movie clip montages being shown this year. I feel like this is a message being sent by the Academy to the industry: Work harder. This years crop of movies sucked foreskin.
-Every time I see Terrence Howard, I feel like Im watching Bryant Gumbel portray an actual black man in the performance of a lifetime.
-Charlize Theron and Kidman are now neck and neck for knockout of the night. Although, the bow on Charlizes dress looks like something youd wrap up a Lexus in before you gave it to one to your mistresses for Christmas.
Clooney wins. In all categories.
-Leave it to the fucking French to be the assholes that bring stuffed animals up on stage.
-Is that JLo? Where the hell has she been?....Whoa, judging by that resurgent hoochie accent shes throwing around, it looks like Jenny from the block opened up a Sbarro in the Bronx and is selling pies with Enrique.
-By the way, Fox is competing with ABC tonight by airing Bad Boys II, in case you were wondering. Thats not even trying. At least CBS is coming strong with "Cold Case". Oh, nevermind. Retraction.
-Hey look, its Keanu and Sandra presenting. As they come out on stage, Im picking up a chant gaining momentum from the back of the Kodak Theater. Its tough to make out, but, wait.thats what I thought. The crowds demanding more brilliant work from these two: Speed 3! Speed 3! Speed 3!!
(McCoys Beer Count: 6. I just laughed at a really bad joke. Too embarrassed to admit which one. But I tell ya, these suds are helping to grease the wheels of cognitive ingenuity. I shall drink on)
-I wonder if Denzells pissed hes no longer the best strutter in Hollywood? Samuel Jackson is the new champ in town. He actually swaggers so much when he walks Im worried he might pop his hip out.
-Geezuz. Mickey Rooneys still alive? Can I update my death pool? He looks like Emperor Palpatine. Poor, old fella.
-Selma Hayek is now the frontrunner in the Actress, Best Supported category. Her boobies are luscious.
(Gay Neighbor Update: Eruption! Giddy euphoria. Brokeback Mountain just won Original Score. Granted, its only the music Heath banged Jake to, but its slight vindication nonetheless.)
I think I hear them hushing now. Ahhh, Jakes on stage. Hes presenting. Nice beard. He looks like a grown-up Fred Savage.)
-Ive always been in favor of a good eating disorder, but Jessica Alba has me a bit worried. If she keeps losing weight shell be just another Hollywood waif. I liked her shape in Honey. She had a good ghetto baby-fat thing goin on.
-YES! Its 3-6 Mafia. Black people all over the stage, rhyming, rapping, dancing, all the while trying to blow up the joint. Why are there no hidden cameras panning the crowd right now? Itd be off the comedy scale. Horrified white people gawking in terror at the stage.
-Queen Latifah now making a bid for Best Actress, Supported. But her boobies are so big they almost seem irrelevant. Its as if shes trying to smuggle illegal aliens into the country on national television. How dumb do you think we are?
-3-6 Mafia just won for their song Hard Out Here for a Pimp. Good for them. Except they shouldve brought Mrs. Cleaver to translate the jive they just mumbled into the mic as part of their acceptance speech. Please show Spielberg, PLEASE. Damn you.
-Wowee, now Jennifer Garner is bringing a wonderful boob to the tabl.wait a second. Shes pregnant too. This is fucked up.
(Gay Neighbor Update: Phillip Seymour Hoffman just won Best Actor. And that announcement coincided with a smashing martini glass. But then cheering because they remembered Capote was gay, I guess. I hope he drank the champagne coolie before he limp-wrestled it off the wall. Coolies are so hard to get out.)
-My wonderment at Travoltas ass-chin will never cease. I wonder if his secret gay lover dry-humps it?
(Twenty-Second Timeout: I have a conspicuously large number of gay comments in this piece. I blame Brokeback and its pervasiveness over the past few months. You just couldnt avoid it, or its subsequent effect on the subconscious.)
-Ok Charlize, now thats two really ugly chick flicks in the past couple years. You made your point: you can act. Now get naked and really filthy in your next one. By the way, I heard Billy Bob is available.
-After watching her in Transamerica, how can William H. Macy ever again get an erection in the presence of Felicity Huffman?
-Ryan Phillippe actually looked genuinely pissed when his wife won Best Actress. And did Reese just thank someone named T-Bone?
(McCoy Beer Count: 8. Its Saturday night, right?)
(Gay Neighbor Update: A little thing called pandemonium. Brokeback wins! But only for Best Adapted Screenplay. I think theyre getting their awards mixed up and apparently, are as drunk as I am.)
The I.N.S. called, they'd like to talk.
-Umas silly hot. Like fine wine she is.
-Crash wins Best Motion Picture. Fitting. How so, you ask? Because its the only one of all the movies in contention tonight that Ive actually seen. Feel cheated having invested the time to read this whole piece? Sorry, but Im just not a movie guy.
Only to be watched on TIVO Posted: 3/6/2006by: CD TIVO/DVR is the only way to watch this crap. I can't imagine sitting through all 4 hours sans the FF button.
"it looks like Jenny from the block opened up a Sbarro in the Bronx and is selling pies with Enrique." Genius as well.
Yeah, McCoy, Posted: 3/6/2006by: Jesse L. How DO you get that red & blue font?
And if Clooney's politics were even quarter-way decent, he'd be my ultimate man-idol. GOOD STUFF Posted: 3/6/2006by: CRACKER-ASS-CRACKER It is sad what Jessica Alba's body has turned into. She used to be thick-in a good way. Fucking Hollywood. Shes paper thin. That 3-6 song is catchy, but Oscar-worthy?...Wow. Character actor Posted: 3/6/2006by: Kiley "You think I jumped? Well, Fuck You!" - Can't believe that guy on the train from Ghost is dead.
I don't think being pregnant is automatically grounds for disqualification - because on the rare chance of sex with these ladies - their boobs are obviously bigger than normal, plus it's like a threesome. All upside.
Great work man. But seriously, how do you get that red & blue font? voice overs Posted: 3/6/2006by: Dale I thought that some of the voice over stuff was hilarious (Phillip Seymour Hoffman stayed in character even while not shooting during the whole filming of the movie.) Really, he kept that voice going for six weeks? Oh my gosh. Awesome Posted: 3/6/2006by: Christine Good Job Matthew. Crash was the only nominated movie I saw as well. So of course it deserved it.
Also, nicole kidman is freaky skinny too. She really has absolutely no waist. I feel bad for famous women. Look at Philip Seymour Hoffman. He doesn't give a shit and gets the greatest roles. And then they pick Charlize Theron to do ugly roles. Why not just get a really ugly actress? Emperor Palpatine Posted: 3/6/2006by: Tom A spit-take.
Great article - I had many of the same thoughts as you (particularly wanting desparately to see the crowd's reaction to 3-6 Mafia and the rundown on the racks), although I can't blame mine on the beer. did anybody notice Posted: 3/6/2006by: Max Dustin Hoffman swearing as he walked out? He looked super pissed about something, possibly Stewart's "brokeback" comment about blue jeans.
"Every time I see Terrence Howard, I feel like Im watching Bryant Gumbel portray an actual black man in the performance of a lifetime." Genius. classic! Posted: 3/6/2006by: Justin P Nice work McCoy! How funny was the voice over after Triple 6 won the Oscar? "This is the first Academy Award for (their real names) and their first nomination." Well I'll be dipped in shit. This was their first nomination? And did you see when they showed the row of like six hoochies they brouht with them all screaming inthe back of the theater? What a hilarious moment all around. And Stewart was classic. "In case you're keeping score at home, Martin Scorcese, zero, 3-6 Mafia, one..." Kayvon is Righton Posted: 3/6/2006by: Atlas The inclusion of that clip jumped out at me too, I mean fucking ice hurricanes. My wife forces me to watch this crap, at least most of the chicks are hot, the Alba emaciation is one of the biggest travesties to hit Hollywood since My Cousin Vinnie got mentioned at the Oscars. What the fuck Alba we like your curves, bring them BACK.
McCoy good article. Why didn't you mention that the crowd of DBs at the Oscars didn't laugh at Stewarts jokes. The self important pricks can't take a joke, he was the highlight of the night for me.
