Wait... no... please... just let me... AHH FUCK. Now I'm stuck behind this fat slob.
Excuse me, ma'am; while I've always been curious as to what forty seven-thousand BB pellets stuffed underneath a stretched, lycra/rayon-blend skirt would look like, I'd really appreciate it if you'd move your gi-normous ass up the stairs a bit quicker.
My employment contract explicitly states that payment rendered for services is contingent upon me actually showing up before the day is over.
Please Lord, make her hurry the fuck up. Geezuz.
Wow, your giant ass is like a horrific car wreck: I can't look away. As you hobble up one step at a time, the mesmerizing gyration of your huge cheeks are no doubt a seismic event. Quick, someone call the panic-stricken local geologist and tell him to ignore his now spasming Richter scale.
It's as if you're attempting to smuggle two midgets into the country by hiding them in the back of your panties. I suggest putting your undergarments to better use, like hoisting them up a mast and sailing on to ensured victory in the America's Cup. Dennis Connor would surely be left in your wake.
As I catch glimpses of those seductive cankles straining under the weight of your body's gargantuan load, I find myself wondering when the last time you said "no" to a fourth helping of cheesecake actually occurred. At least now I know where the term "fishnet stockings" originated. There are many uses for those pantyhose that are about to shred under the enormous pressures of your girth being exerted upon them, but until now, I only associated them with the commercial fishing industry.
Do you realize how many people are staring up in disgust behind you right now? And most of us could afford to lose some weight. But looking at you in all your gluttonous splendor makes me feel pretty good about my sizeable pot belly and slowly atrophying muscles. You are everything that's wrong with America and our fast-food society.
You sweat from the moment you arise in the morning, with the aid of a bed crane. Courtesy of your company's health plan, of course. As you walk up these stairs in front of me I can hear you hyperventilating. Ahhh, the sweet sound of an emphysema symphony. There really is nothing more soothing than enjoying another human's labored inhales and exhales. Sharper Image should sell that shit on tape. It'd be the end of insomnia.
Do you realize the portable fan you carry around to cool yourself is just blowing your stale odor molecules around for the rest of us to enjoy? It's olfactory terrorism, plain and simple.
Don't Cry Tubby. Jog.
Have you ever considered working out? At least before you gained your last hundred pounds whereby even the thought of it would make your heart explode. I'm sure there was a point in time where your situation was at least addressable. Seriously, what's your excuse for being so goddamned obese? Genetics? Slow metabolism?
STOP THE INSANITY.
I bet you're one of those people that rides the escalator as if it was an amusement park ride; standing still until the mechanical steps haul you to your elevation destination. Put your arms in the air next time, we're having so much fucking fun! Weeeeee!
(Twenty-Second Timeout: For those not aware of this obvious fact, escalators were built to facilitate the movement of people in crowded areas. Keep fucking moving. FYI.)
Speaking of arms. How many do you have? I see two plus...some other things going on. Are they in an arms race (pun absolutely intended) with your chin to see who can regenerate clones of itself the fastest? There's a better chance of me stumbling upon the lost city of Atlantis on the way to work then finding any semblance of a tricep on that shank of meat you call an appendage. It looks like a Brontosaurus-sized turkey gobbler. People are literally bobbing and weaving like Ali trying to dodge the thing as it does its best wiggling Jell-O impersonation.
Fun facts time. Did you know that the health care costs associated with obesity now rival those attributable to smoking? Obesity costs in the U.S. totaled more than $92 billion last year, and government-funded public insurers Medicare and Medicaid financed about half of those expenses. If you weren't such a slob, we could've used those funds to take over Iran by now.
Since I began this rambling and vitriolic internal monologue, you've managed to climb three whole steps. Three. The same number in inches my nose is separated from what certainly has to be the largest ass crack this side of the Appalachians, and I'm losing my patience.
Would you consider it rude if I gave you a push? Granted, the motivations are purely selfish, but it's a win-win for everyone involved. I get to go for a quick ride on the Rosie O'Donnell reality tour, you save yourself at least nine mini-coronaries, and the now three hundred people in line behind us might get to work before lunch.
I can't believe this, but you actually have me rooting for you now. Come on, ya big heifer, push out these last few steps. Reach deep between the rolls and find those guts I know you have.
Great work. An epic accomplishment indeed. I'd pat you on the back, but would rather not splash your sweat on anyone. Boston creme peace offering instead?
I laughed until I cried. Posted: 9/23/2005by: Justin My sides hurt, literally. I just discovered this site about a week ago and this is by far the funniest thing I've read so far. I'm not anti-"thick", anti-"big-boned", anti-"husky"...but I am definitely anti-"so-damn-fat-it's-a-disability."
Good stuff. rude Posted: 9/16/2005by: Bosco You are an idiot. Call this over generalixation if you will, but fat people are no good at everything, except eating. horrible Posted: 9/16/2005by: rude that was the most disgusting article. i read this site all the time but I have never read somoething so insulting. and NO I am not heavy. Can I get some Cottage Chesse on those legs?? Posted: 9/15/2005by: Tag I bet Moly eats fried twinkies and chases them with a milk shake. Better yet, how about the old " Double-bacon cheese burger with fries and onion rings, but can i get a diet coke with that?"
I used to think that going whaling in college was fun, but seriously these fat f*cks are really annoying.
.5% of .5% of obese people actually have a thyroid problem. Now, on to chicks that weigh 85 pounds of sick protruding bone...... I forgot Posted: 9/15/2005by: Captain Bullshit fat chicks are like mopeds, they are fun to ride till your friends find out. My cousin and my buddy are habitual fatty humpers. They insist that fatties are the best casue they never know when they are going to get it next. Also - Molly ... Go Die 20 second time out Posted: 9/15/2005by: Captain Bullshit that part about escalators was fucking beautiful. Same goes for airports. "hey fat fuck get the right and get ther hell out of the way." I want to park my not 500 pound ass in one chair as opposed to the two (one per cheek) that you need at my gate and then begin to read one of the 3 mens magazines. BTW people with kids at the airport, next time one of your little fuckers gets in my way while they are playin gon the people mover (notice the name of it) I am going to smoke them and watch them shoot out the end of that fucker like a sandpaper cover slip-n-slide. 1 Notch above 57% of College Girls Want To Sleep With Angelina Jolie Posted: 9/15/2005by: Steve K McCoy, you got National Lampoon's best of the web nod. Congrats! I am a homo Posted: 9/15/2005by: STEVE It's true. I realized it this morning when I was jacking off and making kissy faces at myself in the mirror. I like looking in the mirror when I jack off. Not because I'm weird... it's because I'm gay. Wow. I feel as though a great weight has finally been lifted off of my fabulous shoulders.
ciao! Idiots Posted: 9/15/2005by: FeFiFoFum You know what amuses me? The fact that there are certain people that come to this site everyday, read every single articlle, and then come down to the comments and post about how terrible EVERY article is.
As far as this article goes, I agree whole-heartedly. I hate all those fat fucks wandering around like water buffalo on the Serengeti. I feel like I should be carrying around a tranquilizer gun and tags. We should be allowed to poach these fuckers. They'd be much better use to society as bars of soap. sigh...the truth Posted: 9/15/2005by: lola Great article Matt...so true. And I work my ass out every day trying my damndest to never even look CLOSE to these people. And all these fat children...us skinnies are going to be the minority in the not too distant future. Good job.
And kudos to Stephanie for being so nice to Molly. You are good at being bitchy, but nice. And you're right, depending on height, who makes the clothes you're wearing, etc, size 4 is not fat. Plus because people continue to get fat, "smalls" are now designed to fit small fatties and the rest of us are left high and dry.
