Recently, this site ran a piece on Tom Cruise. Obviously capitalizing on the swell of public discomfort with his antics, the article could be described as, ah, a wee bit unflattering. I argue that the hating has run amok. This is my rebuttal.
Life as an unabashed Tom Cruise Man-Crusher has been difficult the past few months. Admittedly, I've been wavering in my faith like a lapse Catholic after digesting "The Da Vinci Code". Requests from this site's readership have poured in, practically demanding that I renounce my fanship and join the hate parade. All this STOPS NOW. It ain't gonna happen. The tempest has passed and I now see the light. And it's glorrrrious.
War of the Worlds? Pow. Cruise did his best Roy Hobbs impersonation: cover- ball; yeah, they're now two separate entities. This summer blockbuster is just another bullet point at the top of arguably the most impressive filmography resume in the history of Hollywood. I was riveted.
(Twenty-Second Timeout: What about Spielberg's contribution to the film, you ask? He's a deity. What do you want me to say? Jaws? Close Encounters? E.T. ? Schindler's List? Saving Private Ryan? Come on. He's motherfucking Midas, and there's no angle with this guy. It goes without saying.)
In my humble opinion, anyone who sincerely relies on movie reviews deserves the intellectual and creative castration which they inevitably receive. However, in the name of science, I perused a great many rviews covering the War of the Worlds. They had me wondering if Paramount distributed different versions of the movie throughout the country according to perceived geographic profiles. Sort of like how Coke intentionally makes their soadie pop taste ever so slightly like rat shit in India, because that's what their palates are used to.
As expected, some panned Spielberg; some got down on their knees and made like a circus seal. Others praised this latest recreation of the H.G. Wells novel; some chastised its admittedly rushed "ending." That slob Ebert even went so far as to launch into a Darwinian diatribe about why the tripods the alien exterminators stomp around in aren't uniform with proven evolutional patterns. Nice forced attempt at differentiation. They're aliens, you fat fucking retard.
With regard to my boy "TC" (no, not the dude from Magnum P.I.):
-So he had to knob some Director or Producer to get the lead in the aptly titled Risky Business. Shows initiative. And I don't care.
-So his recent relationships, and now marriage, are a complete farce. Big deal.
-So he contracted with Katie Holmes to act like his high school sweetheart for a few years. Yeah?
-So his screaming of "Tech Support!" in Vanilla Sky was a bit unnerving. No one's perfect.
Sakeeeeee!
-So Rob Thomas' wife walked in on him and her husband in the rack like Mick Jagger's wife caught him under the feathers with David Bowie. Matters not to me, and should not to you.
-So he dismissed psychiatry as a "pseudo-science." Did Matt Damon and Ben Affleck do anything differently in Good Will Hunting?
-So he jumped up on Oprah's couch and went berserk like an out-of-control coke head. Good, I hope he scared the shit out of that militant heifer.
-So he has a secret and ongoing affair with a little yellow pilot for American Airlines. It concerns me none.
-So he's an avid ambassador for a "religion" started by a science fiction writer, which happens to be a front for a rumor-squashing publicity machine. Lose the naivete and get over it.
I'm a realist. Tom Cruise is a hardcore business man. And a very good one at that. Don't be a hater. It's unbecoming of you. The brotha kills it on the big screen. Simple as that. That's all you should care about.
Before I leave you today, I have twenty-four rebuttals which will address all your objections:
War of the Worlds Collateral The Last Samurai Minority Report Vanilla Sky Mission: Impossible 2 Magnolia Eyes Wide Shut Jerry Maguire Mission: Impossible Interview With the Vampire The Firm A Few Good Men("YOU, Lieutenant Weinberg?!") Far and Away Days of Thunder Born on the Fourth of July Rain Man Cocktail The Color of Money Top Gun All the Right Moves The Outsiders Risky Business Taps
Any questions?
Some of you may feel this piece was too over the top, too robust in its endorsement of Tom Cruise. Okay, I'll concede you one thing. And it's something no man can fake, no matter how great their thespian ability:
Cruise throws a baseball like a big huge fag.
I spent the next five minutes following that awkward scene in War of the Worlds, thanking God he was wearing a Yankee hat. Suckas.
TRUE THAT Posted: 8/3/2005by: matty p Well written, not a long rant and funny as hell. All things else, I appreciate your various ways of saying "I don't mind," at the end.
I think we all teeter with Tom's crazy and oddly short ass and this article kept the conversation alive and laughing.
Nice work bieatch. Slack For Cruise Posted: 7/27/2005by: Napalm Jones Reasons number 5, 8, 21 & 23 will always earn Cruise a little slack. Any guy that can get Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Rebecca DeMornay, and most importantly Lea Thompson naked in his movies should have a wall full of trophies. But I'll concede that little fucker is still crazier than the 5 dollar buffet in Gary Indiana the day after welfare checks get cut. What? Posted: 7/27/2005by: Larry Tarraconi Am I the only person that read this article as complete sarcasm? I thought this article was hysterical because I don't believe a single word of it was meant to be taken seriously. Am I crazy? The List is Incorrect Posted: 7/27/2005by: Ned Litam Your "evidence" proves that he has made a bunch of movies, not a bunch of good ones. Last Samurai? Crap Samurai. Mission: Imtooshorttoplayjames bond? Crap and crap2. Cocktail? He recited poetry on a bar and banged Daniel-san's woman. Craptail. Far and Away? Vanilla Sky? Interview with the Vampire--the one role where he was actually paid to suck?
Collateral and Magnolia I'll give you. What the.. Posted: 7/27/2005by: Mike S Why is everyone so quick to jump on TC's tip?
The dude is the most ridiculous overactor on the planet. He's a joke. Only thing I can say for him is he makes a lot of money. Doesn't mean that his crazed spazzouts in movies like Jerry Macguire are good.
BTW, "The Buddha"'s comment was the funniest thing I've read on this site in a long time. "Tom Selleck, and carry a whip and a fedora" Enchilada's anyone Posted: 7/27/2005by: Ron Freeman How is it so unbelievable that one of the most talented sex-gods of American culture can't hook up with the girl from Dawson's Creek. I think American's are having a bout of jealosy. Tom Cruise is an attractive, successful man, and I for one do not believe he deserves all of the bad press he has been getting both with the media and with the people of Amerca. Now maybe if he were black I would understand. not that big a Tom Cruise fan but... Posted: 7/27/2005by: dan.d. Frank T.J. Mackey might be one of the best movie characters of all time.
Respect the Cock! And Tame the Cunt!
Seduce and Destroy! In his defense Posted: 7/27/2005by: Jack I thought Eyes Wide Shut was pretty good. Maybe I am a huge pervert but I found every scene to be pretty interesting. Also, his character in Collateral was very different than his usual roles. He was great in that movie and never cracked a smile. I have inside information that.... Posted: 7/27/2005by: The Buddha The original shooting script for "The Last SamuraI" was called "Dances with Japs." And the Tom Cruise character was actually supposed to be played by Tom Selleck, and carry a whip and a fedora. True Story
Anywho, let him have Katie Holmes. That big bitch has hammer toes, anyways. good movies, can't act Posted: 7/27/2005by: matt He has been in good movies, but his acting is sub-par, I should know because i have never acted or even tried it before. Having said that, his accent in Far and Asleep was awful, he came in and out of it like a man possessed by a demon with a really bad Mcaccent.
Good call on Legend. I advise being really stoned before watching that piece of crap.
