“Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” Brilliant. Patrick Swayze, you’re a god to me.
Every man, whether they’re secure enough to admit it or not, sneaks a peak when Dirty Dancing is being replayed on the Superstation. But most scramble furiously for the remote when either their roommate or significant other walks through the front door. I know I do.
As a rule, always have ESPN queued up as “last channel.” With just one quick click of the remote, no one’s the wiser and your manly rep remains in tact.
Previous Phat Phree stream of consciousness movie reviews, if you recall, have included Top Gun, Roadhouse, Rock Star and Footloose. I was as giddy as a virgin on prom night prior to procuring each one of these DVDs.
However, in anticipation of acquiring Dirty Dancing, I was beset with emotions typical of an adolescent awakening to his first wet dream: confusion, guilt, remorse and a sprinkle of curiosity. Luckily, crusty boxers were not included with this particular endeavor.
I was forced to purchase a Dirty Dancing Gold Collector's Edition DVD. Yeah, that’s right. What a kick in the sack. Coming soon to an EBay auction near you. I told the creep at the checkout counter that it was an early Valentine's Day gift. He didn't believe me. Grinning prick. Moving along...
Welcome to the Swayze Experience:
(sing it softly) "Now I’ve... had... the time of my liifffe. No I never felt this way before…"
-Usually I can't stand movies that force the credits on you in the beginning as opposed to the end, but to be honest, I'm not minding in this case. There are people grinding their pelvises into respective pulps and I'm really digging it.
-Alright, we're only thirty seconds into this thing now and the producers are already asking me for one, big super-sized suspension of disbelief:
"Baby," played of course by Jennifer Grey, and her supposed sister, "Lisa," look NOTHING alike. If I was their pappy I'd be demanding a fucking blood test. Wait, their pappy's a doctor, why hasn't he done one already? He's in total denial, that's why.
-HOLY SHIT. It's NEWMAN! Wayne Knight of "Seinfeld" fame is playing a bit part. I had a feeling choosing this movie was a going to be a good idea. And he nailed it. Of course he did. The man's a genius. Helllooo Newman.
-My first conceptual question is related to the main premise of Dirty Dancing: Did large groups of families in the 50s really travel to what was essentially summer camp, together, for three weeks? Everything you see in the movies happened, so I guess they did. But seriously, did this really happen? Better yet, why?
"[Twenty-Second Timeout: I'm watching this movie on my laptop while riding Amtrak. Thus far, three male passersby have looked at my screen in horror and two female passersby have blatantly stared with extreme curiosity. My screen is now tilted towards me at a 45 degree angle and they're still getting their peeks in. Nosy fuckers. I guess I should just get used to it, because I have a feeling it's going to be happening a lot over the next two hours.]
-First Swayze sighting. Giddyup. The greatest agenting achievement Hollywood has ever seen was getting '80s audiences to completely buy into Patrick Swayze as a rebel badass. Unbelievable.
-Of course his name is "Johnny." Johnny Castle if we're maintaining formality.
-We're just ten minutes into this thing now and I can't believe the kids haven't staged a rebellion yet. Meringue lessons? Big band concerts? Geezuz. This is a fucking Lawrence Welk fantasy camp and subsequently, teenager hell. It's certainly not the family vacation destination Mr. Max Kellerman is selling it as.
-Neal (perfect name for this character), who's playing Kellerman's annoying nephew from Cornell's School of Hotel Management, just practically shit his pants in excitement when everyone started mambo'ing. I knew I hated that fucker.
-Now, I preempt this statement by saying that throughout my life I've maintained a staunch record of heterosexuality but damn, Patrick Swayze can sure cut a rug, can't he?
-Let me attempt to recover from that disgustingly homoerotic declaration by saying "Penny" (Cynthia Rhodes) is sneaky hot. She's got a gorgeous pair of getaway sticks. I wonder if she did any of those Leggs pantyhose commercials? They made me feel all tingly in places only talked about in Penthouse Forum and altar boy changing rooms.
-Uh oh, Baby just wandered past the "Staff Quarters, No Guests Please" sign and bumped into Johnny's cousin. He happens to be carrying an excessively large armful of watermelons. Watermelons? Oh yeah, he's gotta be up to no good. Where there are watermelons, there's surely trouble. Now I'm getting worried for her. Oh, be careful Baby.
-Yeee haaa, the grinding scene from the credit roll is back. This is fantastic. Do these parties actually exist somewhere in modern day society? I have heard that proms in the Newark get kinda freaky.
I wanna grind too. Although, I get boners really easily. Might get awkward. I have a feeling that the minute some girl and I starting gittin’ after it on the dance floor, I'd get a chubby and have to crouch-run out of there in shame. But then again, I'm doing a stream of consciousness review of Dirty Dancing. I clearly have bigger issues.
[Twenty Second Timeout: Ahh, for fuck’s sake, two gay dudes just parked their pillaged-behinds down in the seats across from me. And they're not the tiny, harmless, I wanna be a singer on Broadway gay types either. They're the lesser-seen, big, badass biker gay types that you know could hold you down if they wanted to. If they see me watching this movie, I'm screwed. And to make matters worse, I have to pee really badly. But there's no way in hell I'm going to the bathroom now.]
-Johnny just danced with Baby for the first time. It only lasted about thirty seconds, but she's hooked. Can you blame her? Those tight black pants are irresistible. Hey, who said that?
-In addition to telling Baby that he "loved watching her hair blow in the wind," Douche Bag Nephew Neal (which is what we'll be calling him for the rest of this review) just informed her that "Baby, sometimes in this world you see things you don't want to see." Geezuz Neal, I had no idea you were a PROFOUND douche bag. But more importantly, I'm getting that icky foreshadowing feeling right now...
...and sure enough, BAM, cut to next scene, there you have it: Penny is having a breakdown in the kitchen. Mascara run amok. Apparently, she got knocked up by the Kellerman's waiter from Yale...who also plays really a good prick by the way.
-Baby is now officially in training to sub for Penny at some hotel show away from "campus." She's been with Johnny five minutes and she's already dressing like a slut. Bye-bye oversized grandma cardigan, hello tied off half shirt and tight white pants. Ahhh, the power of Patrick. Ladies, resistance is futile.
-Yep, now seems to be an appropriate time for this Amtrak train's Gay Neighbor Couple Update:
No, Danger's my middle name.
Their names are Russ and Kris (took a flyer on the spelling of the latter), they both have lisps and appear in no way to be averse to public affection. Now that we're on the topic, does anyone get as excited as I do on occasions when stereotypes prove themselves to be true?
Getting back to the task at hand...
-Baby is now prancing around in what is essentially a bra and granny-panties, dancing to "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen. I think my penis just fell off. The symbolism isn't lost on me though, Baby's becoming...ONE OF THEM. It's like when Jim Carrey started slicking back his hair in Once Bitten, you just assumed he had become a vampire.
-I will say that Jennifer Grey has a tight little body though. But every time I look at her nose I think of Barbara Streisand and immediately want to jam a white hot poker into my retina.
-Wow. This is easily the most amazing scene of the movie thus far: Johnny is trying to sneak Baby away for an "offsite" and realizes he’s locked his keys in the car. Very UN-Swayze-like. In a legendary moment of panic, he’s ripping a lamppost out of the ground and smashing his own car window to get inside. Nice play Johnny. Unsurprisingly, Baby LOVES it. For he's the "bad boy."
-Baby and Johnny just managed to pull off their performance even though Baby fucked up every five seconds. Every moron in the audience was clapping and grinning like an idiot. Maybe it's the residual effects of me getting hooked on season one of "Fame" when I was just a wee tike, but I thought Baby underperformed. Debbie Allen would not have been happy.
-Well, Penny's black market abortion went awry. Never saw that one coming.
-Baby just professed her love to a shirtless Johnny, and to break the tension, they decide to dance. But this time, they dirty dance. Of course they do. The 80s truly were an amazing time.
-Now where was I? Oh yeah, Baby the supernymph. She just left an intense jigsaw puzzle session with her daddy to go out into the pouring rain to "play charades." You can practically see the father thinking to himself: "Yeah right you little ho, I know where you're going." But he doesn't speak up, so she gits it again real bagood from Johnny.
-YESSSS. Well, it's a landslide, my newest favorite scene of the movie is now the awkward, post-coital chat between Baby and Johnny. It goes like this:
Baby: "Have you had many women?"
Johnny: (incredulously, with squinted eyes and a turned away head) "What?"
Baby: "Have you HAD many women?"
Johnny: "Baby, come on."
Baby: "Tell me, I want to know."
Johnny: (panicking and getting out of bed to reveal a split second of bare Swayze-ass, which by the way, is the bullshit reason why this freaking movie is PG-13) "No, no, no."
[Twenty-Second Timeout: At some point in their sexual history, most guys have run headfirst into this scary confrontation. I thought someone as seasoned as Johnny Castle would've known the rule. Which of course is to NEVER say more than "five" women and NEVER say less than "three." More than five and you're a pig; less than three and you're blatantly lying.
Personally, I like to use "four" in these situations. Why? It's a reasonably respectable number: she doesn't expect you to be a dynamo in the rack, therefore, managed expectations, and her faith in the male gender's morality gets restored. It's one of those rare win, win, win…and win situations.
Take my advice, the answer should be exactly this:
"Well, my first sexual experience was my high school sweetheart; we were both virgins. My second was a huge mistake because I was on the rebound. I regret it to this day (I implore you not to giggle at this point). My third and fourth were both very long-term relationships, about one year apart."
Bam, you're in. Just remember that the girl you told this to will invariably circle back to this question when you're loaded one night with your pants down. Literally. There is no lower point on a man's intellectual curve, so you better have your original answer memorized to the fucking syllable.]
-I will give Johnny some credit, however. He just recovered from his original choke by convincing Baby that all the rich, married whores he was clobbering at these summer camps were using HIM. Heh. Genius. By the time he's done spewing this bullshit she actually feels bad for him. Johnny Castle, you're a fucking artist.
-Uh oh, they're both ready to go for round two and then Baby reveals her real name to Johnny: "Frances Houseman." You can practically hear the helium draining from his erection and the Director yelling "Cut! Get me the writer!"
-Ooh, Johnny just beat down Bobby, the prick preppy waiter from Yale med school. This may have been the lamest fight scene in movie history. And it's obvious that Swayze had to go through Clubber Lang-level workouts to get ready for the filming of Roadhouse, because he was clearly no Dalton in this scrap.
-Baby just admitted in front of a large audience that she was in Johnny's room all night in order to keep him from getting fired. Now her Dad is by himself, sitting lakeside, staring across it and failing to cope with a good ole' fashioned nervous breakdown. You can see him shivering as he can't help but think of his daughter being put in compromising position after compromising position. I feel for ya my brotha. Lord, may you never give me a daughter.
-Ahh fuck, it's the Kellerman's end of summer extravaganza. Never have I been so ashamed to be white. Everyone's all happy and content-like, but not Baby's father. He still hasn't recovered from finding out his daughter went slumming with Johnny. He's throwing down scotch like its prune juice and he hasn't taken a dump in three weeks. Poor guy.
-Just when I'm about to off myself amidst a chorus of horrible singing voices, Johnny struts in to break up the party with his cheesy black silk shirt unbuttoned four eyelits down and utters one of the greatest lines in movie history: "NOBODY puts Baby in a corner," and yanks her to the dance floor.
Who wouldn't melt in those pectorals?
-Pandemonium everywhere as the entertainment staff, who remind me of the caddies and their entourage from Caddyshack, have broken out into a full-on dance rebellion. But the conservative white folk are lovin' it and joining the fracas. What a climax.
-They even threw in the token black couple. It's like when the writers of the movie Bad News Bears named the only black kid "Ahmed" and made him really fast. Do they think audiences don't notice this stuff? Wait a second, is that Forrest Whitaker?
excellent work Posted: 10/26/2005by: Albert S. and thought-provoking. I agree with the forum that Baby may have chosen the corner seat for reasons all her own. McCoy rightly awards pimp points to Johnny Castle ("JC"--please comment on the symbolism), but Robbie the Ayn Rand-reading waiter deserves credit too. He knocks up whatsherface, then convinces Older Sister to give it up but bails on her for some Mrs. Robinson action. Robbie, I applaud you sir. [IMDb notes: guy who played Robbie died of an overdose in '91; Swayze is working on Road House 2.] Posted: 10/25/2005by: Darlene mccoy never fails. this was wonderful. Christine Posted: 10/25/2005by: Chris you are old. I was born in 80, hah! To feel real old, go buy alcohol and look at the poster stating minimum birth date for purchase, by the counter. It gets me depressed everytime. ewww Posted: 10/25/2005by: Christine I was born in 1979. Doesn't that seem like the Depression just ended or jesus wiped his face on Veronica's cloth? Dang It! Posted: 10/25/2005by: Soylent Green The Green man can't get no love today! I have to admit, it isn't easy being the 80s geek in here... ohh man Posted: 10/25/2005by: dave Cheese and Poles! Ohh baby....that's such good material for a sophmoric response. I got nothin. Maybe you could oblige Soylent. Matthew Posted: 10/25/2005by: HMK I loved it! Oh the memories of trying to pull off that dance move where they are on the log in the water and going back and fourth. Man my sisters and I use to try this in the pond at the end of our street never pulled it off just a couple of sprained ankles. God I was so in love with Patrick back then I just wanted to be Baby. Mr. Green Posted: 10/25/2005by: Christine You are giving the kiddies ideas and its after 3:00. uh oh. Julie, Julie, Julie... Posted: 10/25/2005by: Soylent Green I can see them now, all the sophmoric posts from demented, sick, perverts... Julie, a word of advice; NEVER mix the words 'cheese' and 'pole' in the same post on TPP. hahaha Posted: 10/25/2005by: Julie Yeah so Dirty Dancing is cheese. And even though the article was HIL-arious, I still like me some DD. If it's cheese, then it's grilled cheese bitch. And honestly, who doesn't like grilled cheese? Exactly. DD was the first movie that ever made me dance with a pole. Granted, it was a pole in my parents basement, but it still taught me a lot.
