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While reading the comments section of my "Over-rated" piece (I always read my comments religiously, by the way- ego trip), I couldn't help but notice a preponderance of complaints leveled at ESPN. I didn't include the network in "Over-rated" because my gripes about ESPN are a column's worth. And sure enough, here it is.
I've listed, again in no particular order, some of my bigger beefs with ESPN. I don't think I've included all of them, but the biggest are here. Read on and, per usual, you're free to take your own shots, at the network... and at me as well.
To wit:
Chris Berman
He's finished. Done. Stick a fork in him. He doesn't know anything (he can't even guest-anchor on "SportsCenter" because he's too incompetent), and he has long since become a flat-out caricature of himself. Plus Berman's always been just about the worst baseball announcer ever, since he doesn't know how to close his mouth for two f--king seconds. We're both chunky guys who love football, and that's kewl... but he's an institution, and as Ace Rothstein and I say, that's the problem.
ESPN Original Entertainment
Hmm, let's see. "Playmakers"? Awful. "Tilt"? Horrible. "Dream Job"? Pointless (the 'winner' is never around anyway). "I'd Do Anything?" Yeah, so would I, except watch this bullshit. "Teammates"? Yeah, suuure. "Season on the Brink"? Just read the Feinstein. About the only decent thing to come out of this dilapidated division of the network is "The Junction Boys". And really, "The Junction Boys", with its gaggle of neophyte actors and its ham-handed lead performance by Tom Berringer as Paul "Bear" Bryant, isn't very good either... but it's the uncut Magnificent Ambersons compared to the other garbage I've just rattled off.
Sunday Night Soundtrack
I don't watch a whole heck of a lot of Sunday Night Baseball, but when I do, the last thing I want to see is mid-game interviews with the likes of Bowling for Soup or, worse yet, Three Doors Down (the worst band of all time). I'll tune in to one of the bubble-gum pop stations in the Akron-Cleveland area if, and when, I'm jonesing to hear "Almost!". But if I'm tuning in to ESPN on Sunday Night, I want to hear Jon Miller and Joe Morgan and watch two National League teams I don't give a f--k about, dammit.
It's Not ESPN... it's ES(PC)N
Quick rundown of the Rush Limbaugh/NFL Sunday Countdown fiasco: Rush politicized a discussion of Donovan McNabb's skills (or lack thereof) by declaring that, in his opinion, McNabb had been purposely overrated by the media out of its "concern" for the success of black quarterbacks in the NFL. Rush failed to garner many 'mega-dittos' for his little bout of opinion. In fact, Limbaugh was cashiered from the analyst's job soon thereafter, amid a cacaphony of criticism leveled at him by everyone from other ESPN commentators to General Wesley "The Serb Killa" Clark, who attempted to jump-start his failing presidential campaign by piling on the man with Talent on Loan from God. And you know what? Rush got exactly what he deserved. Once you get past the egos and the rampant materialism and hedonism, sports is too beautiful and pristine a thing to be contaminated by politics.
Problem is, even with Rush's large behind in the rear-view mirror, the politics still fly fast and furious... especially on ESPN.com's Page 2 section, where it seems like a day doesn't go by without the likes of Jason Whitlock and Jim Caple playing the race card fast and furious. Whitlock, a Kansas City scribe who really ought to be beat-writing for the sorry Royals in utter obscurity, thinks you're a racist if you didn't much care for the 2004 Olympic basketball team. Caple thought Notre Dame students were racists for wanting the mediocre Tyrone Willingham fired, as he states in this embarrassing meltdown that reaches Maureen Dowd-levels of hysteria and irrationality. You definitely can't race-monger from the right at ESPN, but you can race-monger from the PC-zone. That's fucking bullshit. There's no room for either in sports. God knows there's waaaaay too much of it in real life, and sports is supposed to be a refuge from real life. Oh, well- not at ESPN.
(BTW, normally I wouldn't mind taking Tom Jackson's existence... but I would not have wanted to be in his position, seated right next to Rush when he stepped over the line that fateful Sunday morning in 2003. Think about it. He says something, it might escalate an already awkward situation into a total clusterfuck. He stays quiet, as he basically did, and he gets slammed as "Uncle" Tom Jackson. Talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't. I suppose he could have torn into Rush like Steve Harris would have on "The Practice", but T.J. doesn't have the terminally soft Bobby as a boss, either. Besides, Rush was doing just fine picking up 'more rope' on his own).
Yay for Title IX!
It's All Boston/New York, All the Time
Gee, you'd never know that these were two struggling ballclubs who have a very good chance of not making the playoffs this season. At least not the way ESPN covers them. Matter of fact, you'd think these were the only two f--king teams in baseball.
Countdown to irate Bosox fans insulting me and Cleveland in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
ESPN Has Girl Power!
You'd better believe it. The way ESPN talks up the women in sports, you'd think its anchors were mere puppets, and that feminazi "woman" Martha Burk has her hands up their asses and is reaching up all the way into their vocal cords. Watching ESPN, you'd never know that the vast, vast majority of the viewing audience couldn't give a fuck or a good goddam about womens' sports (womens' tennis is the exception). And thank G-d Danica Patrick didn't win the Indy 500. Jesus, we'd never hear the end of it. "Don't call them 'female' athletes!" Stuart Scott (who else) admonished us as he gushed about Patrick and Annika Sorenstam. "Just call them athletes!" Well, gee, Stu, we'd love to, but we can't, because you're too busy hyping up the fact that they're female. I know they're women, Stu. I'm not the one with the glass eye here.
You're Alberts and May, Not Woodward and Bernstein... Assholes
I'm still a little stunned by the antics of Trev Alberts and Mark May, who, during halftime of the Alamo Bowl- a game in which the Buckeyes were playing- declared that the state of the OSU football program demanded that Tressel either resign or be fired. You'd think it was like the last days of the Switzer Regime at Oklahoma, the way Alberts, May, and their host network piled on the Buckeyes last fall. You'd think chicks were getting gang-raped in the players' dorms and Troy Smith was dealing coke right out of the Woody Hayes Athletic Center, Charles Thompson-style. Uh, not quite. Turned out a booster had given Smith $500.00. That's it. Smith will sit out the opening game this fall. That's it. There wasn't even enough to warrant sanctions against the football program. Yes, I am an apologist for Ohio State football and Jim Tressel. But even a Michigan fan could have seen the chicanery of Alberts, May, Tom Friend et al for the shoddy stuff it was- would-be crusaders creating a story, instead of merely reporting one. And I'm pretty sure ESPN (or "E-SPIN" as it's known in Buckeyeland) tried to screw the University of Tennessee the same way right after they won their National Championship. Guys, you ain't Cronkite, you ain't Huntley, and you sure as hell ain't Edward R. Murrow. You're a couple of ex-jocks who are there to read the scores. Read them!
Where's Ron Mexico?
The story of a Georgia woman's lawsuit against Michael Vick broke on April 5 of this year. That was 73 days ago. To this date, I have neither heard nor seen a single reference to the lawsuit on either ESPN or ESPN.com. Not one. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I guess some oxen can't be gored. Say, where the heck are all those bloodhound 'journalists' like Jeremy Schaap? Shouldn't they be all over the Ron Mexico case? I'm not saying ESPN should be tearing down Vick's career, but sauce for the Ohio State goose ought to be sauce for the Michael Vick gander... right? I mean, I'm just saying.
Skip Clueless and John A. Doe
Couple of talentless hacks masquerading as journalists. Skip is a Professional Hater from way back. And I actually used to dig Stephen A., until he came with a baseless rumor about LeBron leaving Cleveland for (surprise!) New York, because his mother doesn't get along with Dan Gilbert. I hate to be that guy who quotes Chapelle, but, uh-what?
He only needs one lense
And Finally... Stuart Scott
Stuart Scott is the embodiment of everything that is wrong and evil about ESPN. He tries desperately hard to be "hip" and "funny", but falls way, way short (Stu is from South Carolina; he's about as 'street' as my half-Jew, half-hillbilly ass). He really thinks you're tuning in to watch him, and not sports. His failure to just shut the f--k up in his gig as sideline reporter on ABC's Finals coverage is wearing very, very thin (he actually cut into Al Michael's call during Game Three to continue a monologue about Ben Wallace's mama. Cut into Al-fucking-Michaels! What balls!). And nobody- nobody- mounts a high horse the way Stuart Scott does. When "SportsCenter" comes back from commercials, and Stu is standing in front of the big monitor, glasses on, fingers laced in front of him... shut the TV off. Immediately. Or at least hit 'mute'. Or turn to the Kim Yates movie on Cinemax. Or kill yourself. Anything will be better than what is about to come out of Stuart Scott's mouth at that moment- whatever it is.
Example of Stu Scott's talent for being a gi-normous (sorry, McCoy) Stick-In-The-Mud: Last fall, Saint Stu verbally spanked a NASCAR driver for referring to his car's engine failure as 'catastrophic', just after the plane crash that wiped out a good portion of the Hendrick racing team. "That's no catastrophe", Stu huffed. "He should ask the Hendrick team what a catastrophe is." I ask all of you- is it possible to be a more self-righteous asshole than this?
Thanks for the article! Sportscenter has gone to hell. I don't think sports are life and death but the way these guys act (especially Stuart "Boo YA" Scott and that Van Pelt douchebag) it's like listening to some crap local radio station's "wacky morning zoo". You said it best "He really think you're tuning in to watch him." It actually makes me miss CNN Si's sport show that used to go up against Sportcenter. Maybe someday there will again be a choice and some competition for these tired geeks and there one hour "sports improv comedy hour".
Pete
f'n right!
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Posted: 6/16/2005 2:20:58 AM
My word, what a travesty ESPN has become. Remember the good old days of Patrick and Olbermann? I swear I will go on a killing spree if they keep subjecting us to Linda Cohn/Steve Berthiume or Stu/Van Pelt Sportscenters. I thought that MTV was obnoxious when it came to re-running shows, but showing home-run derbies from 1999 for 2 hours during the day? Fuck, get a clue guys, the god-awful shows and idiotic sycophantic programming needs to stop! Do we need an ESPN2? Is watching "Cold Pizza" that fucking important? How is that show still on? Let Bill Simmons take over for once and right the ship, you douchebags.
Jus
I don't man....
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Posted: 6/16/2005 4:41:19 AM
Stuart Scott once told me I was as cool as the other side of the pillow and I've felt like the mack ever since. Plus, I rather enjoyed my back to back morning Sports Centers being interupted last week by the uber sport of Spelling as well.
Byrd
The On-Air "Talent"
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Posted: 6/16/2005 9:43:27 AM
When I saw Van Pelt covering golf a couple years ago, I figured that would be his gig, after all, he seemed like a pretentious dick with no personality so covering golf would be his forte. I was shocked to see him hosting SportsCenter a few months later.
Skip Bayless is a pain in ass.
Couldn't agree w/ you more about the slant ESPN has taken. Their selective criticism is pathetic. Even Bill Simmons makes obvious references to the constraints he's under in his columns: no excessive ripping of the company, employees, etc. Pardon the Interruption is still solid, but otherwise, I'd rather read the news on their website than suffer through 'highlights' of a New York Liberty game just to get to training camp updates.
John
YES!!!
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Posted: 6/16/2005 9:49:14 AM
You have summed up so many reasons why I stopped watching these asswipes. The one thing I would add is the absolute hypocrisy of ESPN when it comes to the concept of “team” vs. “individual.” They have single-handedly managed to turn sports into an exhibition of the individual athlete, despite their protests. Name a team, see them on sportscenter and you know instantly who they are going to talk about, regardless of what actually happened on the field.
GB - Favre Atlanta - Vick Bears - Urlacher Giants - Bonds Penguins - Mario (even retired) Cavs – LeBron Golf - Tiger, Tiger, Tiger etc, etc etc ad nasuem.
Then after doing that, when one of these individual stars falls from grace and has the inevitable drug bust, beat up his wife, caught with a gun incident, some dumbass ESPN anchor will lament the fact that the fans focus too much on these individual players as heroes and stars, blah blah blah. It really does become sickening.
Stan
Tom Mees
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Posted: 6/16/2005 10:04:00 AM
I think Tom Mees is the embodiment of all that is wrong with Sportscenter. The guy came in, played it straight, and realized that he was reporting the news, not making it. What did ESPN do about it? They drowned his ass. Now Mees' seat is taken by some hand-job who thinks it's unique and tolerable to pull out the Scarface quote for home runs.
I wonder what people think of the Sports Guy. I am a fan, but you have to wonder how much his work would benefit if he were on his own, and could really let people know what he feels about ESPN -- there is no way he can tolerate what has happened to that network over the past five years.
Tom A
Jesse, Once Again
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Posted: 6/16/2005 10:04:18 AM
I am in 95%-plus agreement. Good freakin' write, man.
Berman is following in the shuffle-steps of Jon Madden - a once entertaining announcer who first became a parody of himself and then became incompetent on top of that. The women's sports stuff is soooo out of control (how many people were watching the f'n REGIONAL college softball playoffs, in prime time for f's sake? 300? 400?). Stuart Scott should be kicked in the crotch and pushed down the stairs. The game shows suck. etc etc etc. You are correct, sir!
But one thing I have to take issue with - "I actually used to dig Stephen A(Hole)" What?! You can actually remember a time when you didn't want to punch him in the face?
My God, this guy is the f'n worst! He doesn't know anything about anything ("my NBA sources tell me..." blah blah blah - your "sources" tell you what everyone has been talking about on call-in radio shows all freakin' day, you ass-clown), and he is one of these Don King, Mike Tyson types who try to sound intellectual by using three and four syllable words, not realizing that they don't quite fit (or they aren't even words). Mike Lupica once called him out on it on that "Sports Reporters" circle jerk of a show: he asked Stephen A-Hole if he had meant to say "but I digress," instead of "but I regress" (which is what dumb-ass actually said. A-Hole can't open his mouth without letting his "vernaculary" get unleashed. It would be sad if it weren't so f'n annoying. And he can't say anything without using his annoying, contrived, over-inflexion and without that smug-ass expression on his face that makes him look like he just reminded everyone what kind of sweet-ass car he drives.
I hate Rush Limbaugh with the passion of a thousand burning suns (take about your hypocritical self-righteous pricks), but when it comes to Stephen A-Hole, I ask, where is Rush when we actually need him?
P.S. In spite of my hatred for Limbaugh, I agree that ESPN's PC stuff, with Rush incident and the rest of it, is waaaay over-the-top.
YoMama
Wait ...
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Posted: 6/16/2005 10:13:10 AM
You guys still watch ESPN (Everyone's Super Poker Network!)? One question ... why? They f*** up everything. Everything.
1. Hiring Rush Limbaugh at all as a commentator on NFL Countdown is a grave misreading of who and what their audience is. And what it means to be a "color commentator."
2. "Tilt?" That crap football show? That's a great idea ESPN, take your two most popular draws (I refuse to believe NASCAR is anything more than Republican propoganda), and portray everyone who participates in them on a professional level as morally bankrupt, debauched and evil. Smart - alienate fans and the very organizations and players who provide you with your programming.
3. Outside the Lines? News Flash - athletes from 14 to 40 have been using steroids for decades. DECADES. Other news flash - 85% of NFL players are on steroids. Wait, one more coming over the wire - sports fans ALREADY KNEW ALL THIS. What are we, stupid? Any male who played football or wrestled in a midwest high school in the last 20 years knows guys (or was a guy) who juiced. The way ESPN treats sports fans - as if they had no idea their favorite athletes were using performance enhancing drugs - is insulting. I expect insight into an issue like this from a "sports network," not more sensationalistic top-of-the-lungs coverage.
ESPN has become a joke. I'd rather they go back to the days of covering professional karate and rodeo in prime time to the drivel they spew out now.
tc
well, not really
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Posted: 6/16/2005 10:53:22 AM
chris berman is a genius on NFL Primetime...c'mon the nicknames are great, even if they didn't come from your heralded genius of a personality....TILT sucked but PLAYMAKERS was actually entertaining....dont get me wrong, I agree with the rest of the stuff in the article, and Berman definitely should not be commentating on baseball but let's not get rid of him altogether.
Jesse L.
TC
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Posted: 6/16/2005 11:18:34 AM
TC, You have a point on Berman; his work on NFL Primetime is still solid, and the nicknames don't really bother me. But he has zero versatility, and he's not supposed to be an all-football guy like John Clayton or Sean Salisbury. His work at the NFL Draft was also very, very poor. He was consistently five picks behind. I just think he's gotten lazy.
Stan, I almost forgot about Tom Mees. Ah, those were the days. The only guy left from the old 'just the facts' days is Bob Ley, and they've stuck him in the OTL ghetto. It's a shame.
John, Great point about the hypocrisy. I'll offer another example: the Malice at the Palace, which ESPN's commentators professed to be shocked and appalled about, speaking in hushed tones as they showed again... and again... and again... and again.. don't get me wrong, I love the fight footage (it's still hugely entertaining all these months later), but I could do without the phony outrage.
As for the Sports Guy, well- I bet he likes the checks, and the web traffic he gets from being on the ESPN site. He does find ways to let slip his feelings about the network, too. At any rate, we've all worked for shitty bosses, and Simmons is no exception.
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