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Ret. Marine Gunnery Sergeant Joaquim Harold 'Napalm' Jones
I was deep in the jungles of Cambodia on a recon mission last week with my partner Lt. Smith when my MM4 Iridium Sat Phone rang. It was Chad Zumock, one of the Phat Phree editors, wanting to harass me about some bullshit.
I started telling him war stories, which usually gets him off the phone damn quick, but in the middle of my story about a glorious nighttime battle I fought in at Khe Sahn, that slack-jawed boot-licker asked me if I could kidnap Jessica Simpson for him.
Shrapnel chimed in that she doesn�t even get naked in The Dukes of Hazard and that if he wanted me to kidnap someone, it should be Maria Conchita Alonso from Moscow on the Hudson, because she was way hotter and got naked.
Zumock retorted, "Ellen Barkin in Siesta is hotter than that."
Shrapnel came back with Joey Lauren Adams in Mallrats and Meg Ryan in In The Cut.
Disgusted at this horrible display of breast history, I shouted, "Meg Ryan�s tits look like that bald dude melting at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark."
Then Zumock cited flatties Linda Hamilton in The Terminator, Karen Allen in Until September, and Jasmine Guy in Klash.
I had to stop them once they got to Kirstie Alley in Blind Date. No way was I gonna sit around and let these two horny baboons disgrace film nudity any longer. I put a bullet from my Taurus PT 137 into Shrapnel�s calf to shut him up. Satellite phone time is too expensive for this shit. Then I hung up on Chad.
I knew that I would have to take matters into my own hands to educate these half-wit pricks. Between the two of them, they couldn�t even muster that hot chick from Spanglish in Sex and Lucia, or Swamp Thing when Adrienne Barbeau hangs her mommy mounds on a lily pad. So I bandaged up Shrapnel and began working on the ultimate list of famous titties, ass and bush ever compiled.
So here it is: Napalm's 101 Hottest Hollywood Skin Flicks. I have created a soft core version for all you pussies who have ass-licking bosses looking over you shoulder while you are at work, and another version for all the lazy fucknuts who are sitting at home getting a government check and have nothing better to do than squirt some swimmers in the middle of the day. This is the SFW (Safe For Work) version. If you want the full-on tits and ass version, click here.
Also, to help you prioritize your viewing of these treasures, handy icons have been created telling you what kind of goods are in each flick. And a simple click to add most movies to your Netflix cue or to sign up. Beats the shit out of some high school kid at Blockbuster knowing you�ve rented Flesh Gordon 27 times.
The only thing that ruins seeing Jane March�s nice little spinner body is the quick peak at Bruce Willis' mushroom tip. I would toss this buck-toothed girlchild around the mess hall like a goddamned pizza, I'll tell you that.
100. Never Too Young To Die Not Available on DVD
John Stamos, TV's other Uncle Jessie, hooks up with Nasty Girl Vanity in this campy B-movie. This flick also features Gene Simmons as a sociopath transvestite, just for extra shits and giggles. Only worth watching to see Prince�s ex get naked like she should have in The Last Dragon. Sho� Nuff!
Natasha Gregson Wagner tries to follow in her parents� famous footsteps, except with five times the nudity and a hundreth the acting ability. Here she plays a sexy psycho vampire chick in one of two Casper Van Dien movies to make the list. She can suck me anytime, as long as she doesn�t bring that freakish little girl from "The 4400" with her to predict how fast I'll blow my load.
My personal fav... The dining room table scene alone was worth watching this turd.
Good list - bonus points for the netflix links ;)
matt
Napalm
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Posted: 8/29/2005 5:02:16 PM
Great list, now I know what to rent when my girl feels like blockbustering it and porn os off the list. Though I am suprised that Black Widow didn't make it. That girl was damn hot. The fodder form my future b.o.m.b.
syd obanion
Emmanuelle
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Posted: 8/30/2005 8:57:12 AM
You should have a cigarette logo on there as a Thai stripper smokes a fag from her pussy.
mike g
what the
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Posted: 8/30/2005 5:31:57 PM
I can't believe you left out the sex scene from Team America..F-ck Yeah!
Keanu
Devil's Advocate
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Posted: 9/7/2005 2:36:59 PM
Al and Charlize got it on at an eleven, not seven.
DK
Jennifer Connelly #1
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Posted: 9/12/2005 1:22:45 PM
ANY JC nude scene tops any of that childish,no-talent crybaby(Oscar schmoscar,PC and AA quotas "won" her the statuette).
Hell-e's little bananas are nothing compared to JC's fully ripe,fully round melons.They are the definition of voluptuous.
Bryan
Ridiculous
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Posted: 10/3/2005 4:17:21 PM
Desperado 39, please. Easily #1.
Dunny
Near Miss
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Posted: 11/1/2005 5:38:39 PM
Generally good but where were you cats on Body Heat, The Postman Always Rings Twice, The Last Seduction, Wild Orchid or The Big Easy ( best "dressed" sex scene in or out of the bayou)? Tsk, tsk.
OS Perry
Brotherhood of the Wolf
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Posted: 11/4/2005 4:53:17 PM
Monica Belluci... as a prostitute, in a French, English Subtitled, Action/Horror/Martial Arts/Drama/Historical Fiction movie. Very good I might add.
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