Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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Is Memorial Day really just another reason to drink beer? Just as sure as Lindsay Lohan is a coke whore with a fire crotch. Sure that may seem insensitive, but when ensign red shirt gets killed beaming down some unknown planet with the away team does that stop Capt. Kirk from fucking the hot green chick in the leopard mini-skirt. Many a man I have been privileged to call a brother in arms has died from enemy fire, friendly fire or just plain old stupidity on the part of some pansy ass college pretty boy CO with pressed pants and a text book. But I'm here to tell you that if those guys had survived their dedicated service to our country they'd be degenerate alcoholics and perverts just like me. So I'd rather pour some on the curb for my dead homies and grill up some dogs than listen to the geezers over at the VFW who will sit around a wax poetic about how there generation's war was the worst. Once the Nammers get done, the Korea vets start whining, which leads directly to talk of the Big One in the 40's. Before you know it, some asshole who manned a cannon on an Iron Clad is telling you how the south could have won if his buddy Cletus hadn't been killed with a musket. I'm as patriotic as the next Vet, but enough is enough, old timers. Put your wooden teeth back in and help Washington finish crossing the Potomac.
So instead of sticking around for pointless pontificating on the perils of the past or sitting through some somber sobfest with speeches from faggot-y brass that are ashamed that they survived their tours by hiding in a command tent 30 clicks from binocular range of any live rounds, I chose to spend my extra day off for drinking in the quiet vacation town of Lake Havasu, AZ. I thought for sure the notion of relaxing on a boat and drinking some beers was a good idea. Plus who could hate on a city that condones the use of pasties as bikini tops. Well, that's all well and good until the boobs beneath those pasties can hold a loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter... underneath them. Jesus, I want to see a rack that makes me want to tittie fuck, not make a fucking sandwich. And how come only the fat chicks are the ones that want to flash all the time? Somebody call Girls Gone Whale before it rolls up on the beach and dies. For a minute I thought I was on Rosie O'Donnell's big fat bull dyke cruise or something. And to make it worse all the chicks that were actually hot were wearing bikinis that look more like Kurt Angle's singlet than anything that might get my dick hard. Unless of course they were 16. In that case the attire was a t-back thong and sponge bob band-aids covering the nips. But even if I didn't mind being featured on the next edition of "To Catch A Predator" all those girls were already riding the channel with some other middle aged curmudgeon that just happened to be smart enough to load his cigarette boat with the three outboard Mercury engines into the water right next to local High School field hockey championships. Fuck those disgusting perverts. I can't afford a boat like that!
And then there is the London Bridge. That's right the actual London Fucking Bridge now resides in Lake Havasu City (at least the one that was built in 1831 that the British didn't want anymore). Apparently the original idea for this little desert town in 1971 was to buy the bridge for a paltry 2.5 million dollars, the re-erect the numbered bricks over the Colorado River for an additional 7.5 million dollars. Don't forget this is when a gallon of gas was .35 cents and people thought that was an outrage. Then in the area surrounding the bridge a quaint English style village was supposed to crop up to entice tourists to this pointless piece of arid dustiness. Well, the problem is that the bridge looks just about like any other fucking bridge because they had originally intended to buy the fucking Tower Bridge which is the cool looking one that all the dumb American tourists think is the London Bridge. But either way who the fuck wants to drive to the middle of the desert to sit in a dark pub and throw darts? It wasn't until the London Bridge Resort Hotel put in a fucking poolside bar by the river that anyone even knew that little brown on the ass of the west even existed. So instead of a 5 dollar pint of half and half and a basket of chips for 5 bucks at the pub, what you are more likely to find in Havasu these days is a 12 ounce luke-warm can of Natty Light Ice and a Jello Shot for 22 bucks. If you really want to spend a fun time on the Colorado River I suggest you skip the fat chicks and their meat head boyfriends head up to the Indian Reservation and stay at the Avi Casino. Sea Doo rentals are cheap plus the casino has a pool with better looking women and 4 dollar minimum Roulette tables. But be sure to stop at the road side buffalo jerky stand on the way in and stock up because the best restaurant at the Avi is a fucking Panda Express. Havasu might seem like a blast on paper (or pay-per-view) but personally I'd rather stay on the Res where I can kill a man and they have to send Val Kilmer in a K car to drag me into custody.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
From the brilliant minds behind the movie about the guy who didn't get his Kaiser helmet into some furry baby hole until after his 40th birthday comes a romantic comedy about the fat sorry shlub who actually did get some strange, and the living, breathing entity that is soon to emerge from that once blissfully tiny hole that will soon be able to accommodate the entire compliment of FDNY Engine Company 43, their boots, and a ladder. But that's not what you really care about is it? All you know is that your old lady is gonna force you to go see this date movie because the whiny hot chick from Grey's anatomy is in it. So you sit there eagerly scrolling down the page hoping that old Napalm has something redeeming to say about the flick you know you will be forced to see. Well, normally my sadistic side would feed you a barrage of bitter insults toward this type of bun in the oven as comedy femfest of film. But today my cynical side has won out, so instead, I offer these nuggets of false hope.
First of all this movie will get you laid. Sure, your date will find disgusting parallels between you and the never ending attacks on the slovenly nature of this film's numerous man-boys, but chicks have a natural instinct to want to fuck after they watch anything cute that involves babies. Shit, I don't think I have ever watched an episode of "Muppet Babies" or a Look Who's Talking movie that hasn't lead straight to three hole fucking. Luckily Seth Rogan is such an unlikely leading man that if you aren't at least a cut above that fat fuck in your lady's eyes then you might just want to sell off all your limited edition Ralph McQuarrie signature concept Luke Skywalker action figures that you waited three hours to get at Star Wars Celebration 4 and just kill yourself now. The only problem here is that even if you chart higher than Rogan your lady is going to want to turn into a 14 year old trailer park girl and experience the magic of an unwanted pregnancy after seeing this flick. To avoid this you have two options. Pray to god that you can pull out and blow it on her face before she puts you in a Gracie full guard and holds on to you like a frustrated Ken Shamrock until the end of regulation time, or try dipping your faucet of fuck in a solution of Drano, hot sauce and mashed cannabis seeds that would make any man's dadpoles swim slower than Christopher Reeve's paraplegic corpse.
The second nugget of hope that I will give you is that just like The 40-year-old Virgin, the first two acts of this movie are actually pretty damn funny. There will be loads of classic one liners like "I'm breathing like James Gandolfini" for all those fans of classics like Zoolander and Hudson Hawk, just as there is plenty of more refined comedy like the sight of a baby crowning for the more Blazing Saddles and Meaning Of Life type crowd. But sadly, in the end this story is charming and pretty and sensitive and, well, gay. It starts with the right attitude that this woman is just out to ruin the nice guy's life by keeping his unwanted seed lodged in her uterus, and sadly slips into the familiar territory of the same aforementioned schmuck being roped into to playing nice guy and sticking by the receptacle of his baby batter. Then the Ron Jeremy Fairy Tale that you were so eager to digest comes roaring back into reality like Nicole Richie's lunch. When the ugly lazy guy does finally get the girl, he gets screwed, just like real life. Let's face it; the only ugly guys that get to fuck random chicks and ignore the unwanted offspring in reality are all in the NBA. Even though this movie is a fun ride, the ends do not justify the means. To this day women still expect men to say "Bless You" when phlegmy snot rockets come careening from their nostrils because of Singles. But I'll be damned if they are also gonna get me to have kids with them just because they got drunk fucked after 7 shots of Patron. So be warned. The movie IS funny, but let's not forget that "Mein Kampf" is a pretty good read until you see the results further down the line.
George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and 10 of their other overpaid friends attempt once again to try anything possible on screen to make the audience forget that Don Cheedles British accent sounds like Cheech Marin on Helium. In this instalment Andy Garcia has to step off the yelling podium to make room for Al "You can get killed walking your doggie" Pacino, who surprisingly is a good addition. Though that shouldn't seem like such a stretch since he could actually act at one point which is more than I can say for most of the rest of the cast. Even his Tony Montanna accent was more realistic than Cheadles Cockney drawl. It's really sad that I find myself wishing Scott Caan had more lines in these movies. I would try to explain the plot to you, but let's just say it's more aimless than Dick Cheney's shotgun and leave it at that. After Julia Roberts impersonated herself in Ocean's 12 you can't really be expecting much, can you? I will say this though, in a clever turn of a phrase they are trying to rob a new casino called The Bank. What a great opportuinity for jokes (please note sarcasm). But they can't just rob The Bank, they have to ruin the house advantage and keep the hotel from recieving a 5 Star rating. Jeez, I wish I hadn't started explaining the plot now because it feels like a bad Pauly Shore movie. Look the bottom line is that if you like these actors and you want to see what they do on their paid yearly vacation to Las Vegas then be sure to check this one out. But if you are like me and the only place you want to see Bernie Mac is getting humiliated on Punk'd then I'd say skip it and wait for the DVD so you can turn on the french audio with the english subtitles and never have to listen to Don Cheadle's bad accent again. By the way, did I mention yet that I didn't think he was very good at Limey acents?
1. It's finally over! We now know that one Jack eventually gets off the island while our other favorite Jack gets off the exploding oil rig. We also know that calling someone a faggot will ruin your wedding day, but apparently actually being one leads to a healthy marriage and a hot mistress. Bart Simpson turned four hundred, but is still in grade school. Beat boxing can only take you so far. And of course super villains are hard to kill even with the right sword, but then again so are female Viper pilots. And speaking of which, Col Tigh is a fracking cylon? But most importantly we learned this year that 2 time "Flavor of Love" loser New York is still looking for love and will be back to find it soon in "I Love New York II". So as we come to the close of yet another TV season what was your favorite moment from this television season and what are you looking forward to next year?
2. Caption This
3. In a celebrity tag death match with the prize being a fifth of Courvoisier, an 8-ball of coke, a ninety day supply of oxy-contin with 3 refills, a chance to punch your sibling or daughter in the mouth with a closed fist and a lifetime pass to Promises, who would win between the teams of David Hasslehoff and Britney Spears vs. Alec Baldwin and Lindsay Lohan? Why would they win? And what would be the name of the winning teams finishing move? (Feel free to suggest other teams for the winner to defend their title against.)
Posts: 62 Rank: 88 Joined:
3/6/2007
Location:
North Pole, AK
Posted: 6/1/2007 8:31:09 AM
1) dont watch tv shows, but do watch NFL football and any commentating or interviewing, hell, any words that come out of Shannon Sharpe make my day. It's like listening to a retarded kid read a poem.
2) kid: Why you got dem mardi gras beads Mr. Bryant? it's june! White girl in background: Showtime!
Napalm's already been up for hours, written his article, posted it, and killed and cooked breakfast.
Nice work as always, "Fuck those disgusting perverts, I can't afford a boat like that" and "Val Kilmer in a K car", really made this for me.
1.) This is my favorite part, because I'm tired of idol talk, lost talk and all that other bullshit. I watch the daily, Colbert Report, and occassionaly entorage or the office.
2.) Kobe said if you just smile like him, you can get away with anything.
3.) Baldwin and Lohan, known as Serpent and the red ho, win, because 1st they are badasses and Baldwin's rage feeds off of and is driven by what lindsay represents. Locans is a selfish little bitch and was a little pig, constantly embarrassing her parents. Locans on the other hand, simply cannot feel pain, she's taken enough pain killers, booze and yaho, to permenantly numb every nerve in her body. They distract opponents by getting into an argument wherein baldwin beats Locans like a red headed stepchild, while Hasselholff and Spears look at eachother all confused and vapid. Then they launch the Ginger Copter, where Baldwin grabs lindsay's near lifeless (not from the beating, just her usual state) body a spins using her to crush their oblivious opponents with great centrifical force (acheived easily do to locans now all to aerodynamic figure).
Posts: 572 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 6/1/2007 9:30:30 AM
as funny as i think it is but i'll give it a try...
1. pass 2. this isn't a caption but please notice there's a hot chick wearing pink in the background 3. In a surprise move BigNick rides into the celebrity tag death match and proceeds to drink the Courvoisier. Pissed about this the tag teams team up againest our protagonist. With Alec leading the charge BigNick appears to be in trouble when he gives a crane kick to Alec then rips hasselhofs shoulder out of the socket via kamora. BigNick then proceeds to the 8 ball. Britney and Lindsey give them selves to our protagonist, rape is not necassary this time, because they think he will share the coke (they are wrong). The Big Guy not satisfied with consentual sex finds it necessary to decapitate both and Fed-ex their heads to DC (the commenter not the capital) BigNick makes a couple phone calls, doesn't sleep for 5 days.
Posts: 1213 Rank: 5 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 6/1/2007 10:07:01 AM
1. i enjoyed learning that master shake has been using his superiority complex to hide his homosexuality. i knew dirtfoot was a man the whole time. also, it was devastating for me, just as it was for carl when he was raped by handbanana. i felt his tears and it jolted my heart that there was nothing i could do. also, i was happy to see that paula deen is getting less airtime on the foodnetwork after her spat with the labor demonstrators over her partnership with smithfield. fuck paula deen, that fat sow never would have gotten famous if she hadn't been widowed and then married a richass riverboat captain. bitch. and her two sons both llllooovvvveeee the cock.
2. "Yo little homey, you see that fine white-lady in the pink dress over there? She invited me up to the 'scorers booth'. I'm gonna go autograph her chin, and steal her purse, so I need you to hang out here, and if my wife shows up, just give her this box from Debeers."
3. hasselhoff and spears win easily. the hoff recovers from shit quicker than jackie chan and the cheerleader combined and spears is crazy enough to attack a 3000 lb. escalade with an umbrella, and she walked away unscathed. plus i'd like to choke her with a pair of cammy trousers while teaching her a new form of birthcontrol. baldwin is a candyass simply because the only person he has ever gotten any real publicity for fighting- was his 12 yr old daughter. and lohan will probably be scared straight and loose once she meets her new cellmate, amy fischer and a broom handle.
their next challenge- charlie sheen & and a prison hardened paris hilton
Posts: 39 Rank: 20 Joined:
5/11/2007
Location:
St. Louis, MO
Posted: 6/1/2007 10:09:41 AM
1. Duke losing to Virginia Commonwealth in the 1st round of the NCAA tourney. 2007-08 NFL season.
2. Monday May 31, 2007: The United Way held the First Annual Illegitimate Children of Kobe Halo 3 Competition sponsored by XBox and Nike. More than two hundred and fifty of Kobe's bastard children and their mothers attended the event held at Castelar Street Elementary School's gymnasium in Los Angeles. Next years turnout is expected to exceed over a thousand.
3. Alec Baldwin would go right out there and straighten out all three of their pig headed, spoiled asses. I'm sure their mothers put them up to it, but they have got another thing coming if they think they'll get away with this. Do you know how stupid he felt waiting for that phone call? Besides, that Hasslehoff video was about the most pathetic thing I've seen since Spartan's list on why he's cooler than deuce.
Posts: 1548 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 6/1/2007 10:11:26 AM
Ow, my head hurts so bad. Nape, out-fucking-standing. I love the education provided in the beginning too. I hate that Grey's anatomy chick. She is really beautiful, but her character is so annoying, I keep hoping she dies.
Also, Seth Rogan is, sadly, my exact type of guy.
When julia roberts played herself in ocean's 12 I walked out of the theater, I have never done that before or after.
Also, I think fat chicks flash a lot cause they think that everyone wants to see their tits cause they're big, but they fail to remember the fatness surrounding their big tits.
1. Aside from Miss USA falling on her ass, my other favorite TV moment was Soyer banging Kate.
2. Kobe Training Camp (Lesson 1): Keep your eyes off the white bitch, don't even turn your heads.
Memorial Day at Lake Texhoma-get it? We're so creative here. Was a trashbag festival, huge surprise. Hottest chicks were either 45 and smoking because of the old man's money, or 16 and throwing up after 2 wine coolers. I didn't close shit. Of course all my friends take their girlfriends along, why take sand to the beach? Amateurs.
1. Conan O'Brien kills nightly, nobody can touch him.
2. I can't even win a clutch game on playstation without Shaq.
3. Baldwin and Lohan would destroy Hasselhoff and Private Pyle. After Baldwin plants Hoff with an elbow, he tells him "you see this watch? This watch costs more than your car." Lets face it, a loser is a loser.
Posts: 11 Rank: 1758 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Cracklanta, GA
Posted: 6/1/2007 10:44:47 AM
1. When Bear damn near froze his ass to death in Alaskan waters on Man vs. Wild.
2. "Yo Kobe, this PS3 cool and all, but when them white girls comin'?"
3. Hasselhoff and Spears have become caricatures of themselves, thus negating any abilities realted to self-preservation. That fight would last about 30 seconds, with Baldwin/Lohan dismembering their opponents with comical ease.
The duo will be subdued by residual coke emanating from Lohan, while Baldwin drives them to tears with a scathing beratement, almost too harsh even for pay-per-view. Then, the carnage commences.
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Jesus, I want to see a rack that makes me want to tittie fuck, not make a fucking sandwich. And how come only the fat chicks are the ones that want to flash all the time? Somebody call Girls Gone Whale before it rolls up on the beach and dies. For a minute I thought I was on Rosie O'Donnell's big fat bull dyke cruise or something. And to make it worse all the chicks that were actually hot were wearing bikinis that look more like Kurt Angle's singlet than anything that might get my dick hard. Unless of course they were 16. In that case the attire was a t-back thong and sponge bob band-aids covering the nips. But even if I didn't mind being featured on the next edition of "To Catch A Predator" all those girls were already riding the channel with some other middle aged curmudgeon that just happened to be smart enough to load his cigarette boat with the three outboard Mercury engines into the water right next to local High School field hockey championships. Fuck those disgusting perverts. I can't afford a boat like that!
From the brilliant minds behind the movie about the guy who didn't get his Kaiser helmet into some furry baby hole until after his 40th birthday comes a romantic comedy about the fat sorry shlub who actually did get some strange, and the living, breathing entity that is soon to emerge from that once blissfully tiny hole that will soon be able to accommodate the entire compliment of FDNY Engine Company 43, their boots, and a ladder. But that's not what you really care about is it? All you know is that your old lady is gonna force you to go see this date movie because the whiny hot chick from Grey's anatomy is in it. So you sit there eagerly scrolling down the page hoping that old Napalm has something redeeming to say about the flick you know you will be forced to see. Well, normally my sadistic side would feed you a barrage of bitter insults toward this type of bun in the oven as comedy femfest of film. But today my cynical side has won out, so instead, I offer these nuggets of false hope.
George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and 10 of their other overpaid friends attempt once again to try anything possible on screen to make the audience forget that Don Cheedles British accent sounds like Cheech Marin on Helium. In this instalment Andy Garcia has to step off the yelling podium to make room for Al "You can get killed walking your doggie" Pacino, who surprisingly is a good addition. Though that shouldn't seem like such a stretch since he could actually act at one point which is more than I can say for most of the rest of the cast. Even his Tony Montanna accent was more realistic than Cheadles Cockney drawl. It's really sad that I find myself wishing Scott Caan had more lines in these movies. I would try to explain the plot to you, but let's just say it's more aimless than Dick Cheney's shotgun and leave it at that. After Julia Roberts impersonated herself in Ocean's 12 you can't really be expecting much, can you? I will say this though, in a clever turn of a phrase they are trying to rob a new casino called The Bank. What a great opportuinity for jokes (please note sarcasm). But they can't just rob The Bank, they have to ruin the house advantage and keep the hotel from recieving a 5 Star rating. Jeez, I wish I hadn't started explaining the plot now because it feels like a bad Pauly Shore movie. Look the bottom line is that if you like these actors and you want to see what they do on their paid yearly vacation to Las Vegas then be sure to check this one out. But if you are like me and the only place you want to see Bernie Mac is getting humiliated on Punk'd then I'd say skip it and wait for the DVD so you can turn on the french audio with the english subtitles and never have to listen to Don Cheadle's bad accent again. By the way, did I mention yet that I didn't think he was very good at Limey acents?
