I got your Yule log swinging! Even my bastard Vietnamese children want $150 robotic raptors for Xmas this year and they are all like thirty years old. So ole Nape had to pick up some extra work. Ill be farming my holiday cheer out to a group Paraguayan paramilitary fuck ups who cant seem to put down some minor rebellion without 30 lbs of C-4 and my help. So write your own goddamned Christmas reviews this year. Besides, wasnt Jesus a Pisces? Im pretty sure his birthday was in March.
*Editors note:* That was an excerpt from a communiqu we received from Napalm earlier this week. Since we are too exhausted from shopping to actually write something for him, we decided to run some of our favorite reviews of his from this past year so you can see why we risk life and limb each week to bring you more of his vibrant commentaries on the world of entertainment. Included are his introduction from 11-04-05 when Jarhead premiered and his Papal rating scale from shortly after the new pope was announced. Here's Napalm...
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, then thank a Marine!
There are a few things you should know about the Corps that extends beyond, You cant handle the truth! and Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. First of all, that Jack Nicholson rhetoric is fucking true, but theres more:
If it absolutely, positively needs to be destroyed overnight, call a Marine.
On the seventh Day God rested, the Marines filled sand bags.
The Corps is a department of the Navy. The mens department.
There is no substitute for battle. No amount of drugs, pussy or money can compare to the sheer carnal bliss of engaging an enemy and living to talk about it. You learn a lot as a Marine, but here are my top ten lessons from the battlefield:
10. Nothing stops the bleeding from a bullet wound like plugging it with a severed human toe. 9. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 8. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. 7. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you. 6. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. 5. The buddy system is essential to your survival. It gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. 4. Being surrounded only simplifies your problem. 3. One in the head is worth two in the chest. 2. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss. 1. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
President Ronald Regan once said, Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem. Ooo Rah. Semper Fi!
This week, in honor of a former Hitler youth being named as the Holy Father, Im going to introduce my new Papal Rating scale. Dont shit yourselves in the pews, people well have a new scale next week. Hopefully this Pope wont ask me to kill anyone I like too much.
Five Ears for The Holy Sea feeds a small country good! Four Ears for communion wafer with jelly good! Three Ears for as good as having your own hat that no one else can wear! Two Ears for Bird shit on the Popemobile good. One Ear for priest snoring through your confession good. An added testicle for extra blessing in latin. (for those who dont understand, 5 is good, 1 is bad, dumbshits)
**Editor's Note: All references to "P's" are from Nape's old rating scale and are the same as ears on his new scale.
I dare you to name a good Dennis Quaid movie! If you said Innerspace youre an asshole. Enemy Mine? Not unless youre really high. Switchback = crickets. Nope, Dennis Quaid is bad. Need proof? Watch the third worst movie of all time, The Day After Tomorrow. Of the 54 movies he's been in, hes only made three that are really good. Dreamscape, Wilder Napalm, of course, and this one. But I can tell you right now hes not the reason this movie is any good. It certainly isnt that seventies fuck either. Its Scarlett Boing Johansson. She gets 2 Ps just for being alive. Finally, there is a hot chick in movies thats got a little meat on her bones. Id like to get lost in her translation. Ill give another P to the other healthy honey in this flick, Marg Helgenberger. Her left tit steals the third act of Species, so Ill always have a soft spot for her. The fourth P is for the actual movie. Even though there was a serious lack of violence and special effects, I have to say I had a good time sitting through this one. Plus Selma Blair reminds me of this Thai hooker that used to have the best Donkey and Cantaloupe routine Ive ever seen.
Its not that this movie is bad- but here's how you make this movie better. Take what everyone involved in this flick is good at and make it a part of the movie. Chris Nolan, who directed Memento, could turn the timeline inside out and show the movie backwards, so Batman can kill the bad guy first, bang Katie Holmes second, and then run off to Tibet last. That way, you can just get up and walk out of the theatre after the first 30 minutes. Katie Holmes could use her awesome talent and just get naked like when Greg Kinnear choke-balled her in The Gift. And Christian Bale could reprise his best role ever as the American Psycho, which is pretty much what Batman is anyway. Personally, Id be much more entertained by Bruce Wayne bringing home sluts and carving them up while listening to any song from Huey Lewis and The News' Sports album. Of course, madcap hilarity would ensue when Alfred has trouble cleaning up the mess just before Commisioner Gordan shows up for dinner. Apparently Liam Neeson was the only one who got my memo, because he spends most of this movie giving his best Qui Gon impression. I know I wont be able to dissuade you from seeing this movie, and its really not all that bad, but I urge you not to lie down and take it like a 13-year old at Neverland Ranch after a couple bottles of Merlot. Have some dignity and at least acknowledge that they will never make another truly top notch Batman movie like the first one - and by first one I mean the pilot for the old TV show, not that goofy bullshit with the dude from Gung Ho.
Staring Mark Vincent (AKA Vin Diesel). Oh wait, no. Starring O'SHea Jackson (AKA Ice Cube)? You mean the guy from Barbershop and Friday? Well he is a nigga with attitude and he did do that Ghosts Of Mars movie which certainly qualifies him to star in a franchise action series, right? According to his illustrious rap career he is also quite adept at handling firearms as well. And since Mark Vincent thought his career would be better served as the Nanny or whatever that piece of shit movie was, we get Ice Cube as the American 007. Now back to reality. You do not hold a gun sideways when people are trying to kill you. You do not bust witty one-liners while throwing a grenade. You do not jump a boat onto a bridge in the middle of rush hour. I love gangsta rap and guns as much as the next guy, but Ice Cube should keep his acting in the world of cutting heads and out of the realm of top secret action hero. "It's snakes out dare dis big?" Big surprise they passed on Cube for Anaconda 2.
I should've known the second I walked in to a movie named after a song by the Cure that there was no way I could walk away happy. Is it really a good sign for your movie when audiences start cheering for Napoleon Dynamite every time he appears on screen instead of laughing at the five jokes that were written for the film? Me not tink so, as they say on the islands. Isnt it also a bad thing when a movies star, Reese Twilight Titties Witherspoon, really reminds me of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? There is some shitty high concept romantic comedy like this every single fucking year, and for some reason people still keep watching this crap. Fuck the love from beyond the grave thing. You want a high concept movie that Ill go see? How bout, after a car accident, Reese Witherspoon finds out that the afterlife has doomed her to a hell of dyking out on Scarlett Love In An Elevator Johannson and Wynona Id Love To Ryder, until she realizes that the only way she can get into heaven is to either let Satan take her down the dirt road, or to shoot her way through 300 demons and angels with an M-60. Now thats a good date movie compared to this sappy, five-joke tearjerker. If Im gonna spend ten bucks to jerk something at the movies, it aint gonna be tears. Mark Ruffalo should be castrated with a high-tension rubber band for taking this part, especially after he had finally gained my respect for flopping around with Meg Ryans flab bags in In The Cut. This was an unforgivable backstep by the actor in my book, and can only be forgiven by a cameo on "Will and Grace", where he mercilessly slaps the shit out of each character until they bleed out from their rectums. Unless you are on a first date and havent been laid for two years, then skip the shit out of this turd.
Hanoi Jane, that traitorous shitheel, takes like 20 years off from acting and decides to mount a glorious comeback in a movie starring Jennifer Lopez? I hate Jane as much as any vet, but I hate Jennifer Lopez as an actress even more. In fact, I hate her as a singer too. Come to think of it I havent liked anything about J-Lo since those spandex pants she wore back when she was a fly girl on In Living Color or her brief nude scene in Money Train. She wasnt nearly as hot, however, as Jane was in the all time greatest jerk fest, Barbarella. So basically this movie is JFo versus Loperrella going toe to toe because of that scrawny guy from "Alias". Pure genius! If they were both in their prime and mud wrestling naked. It makes sense that Fonda would take 20 years off since her last good movie was Klute, unless youre one of those sick people that liked Stanley and Iris, Old Gringo, or Leonard Part 6. If so, I hope you choke on your popcorn.
Wonder twin powers activate! Shape of a Clydesdale! Form of Urine! Thats right, even Zan and Jayna, with their unworldly galactic powers, cant describe this movie as anything better than horse piss. Trying to figure out the mystery of this movie is like the Hardy Boys trying to figure out who stole the soul; it just doesnt make any sense. The most entertaining thing about this movie is the drinking game I created for it. When someone gets killed take one drink. When you see Val Kilmer on screen and it makes you think of Top Secret or Top Gun, take two drinks. Any time you are confused by the plot, take a drink. Anytime you dont give a fuck about how confused you are, take another drink. Whenever there is a ticking clock on screen, the first person to notice and slap their buddy in the back of the head, gets to make anyone else in the theater that they want drink. And finally the rule that will have you totally hammered, any time LL Cool J licks his lips before a line you must pound a full beer. If you are not totally fucked up by the time you leave the theater then try my other favorite drinking game Beat The Buzz. Pound a whole case of PBR while driving home and see if you can make it to your house before youre totally slobberknockered.
Beats the shit out of the serial Flash Gordon movies we had when I was kid. Robert Rodriguez has apparently done just enough illegal substances while hanging out with Quentin Tarrantino to know how to really entertain the kids. Too bad it has also stunted his attention span. This movie has more quick cuts than a depressed goth chick at a My Chemical Romance concert. The drive-in theater where I saw this movie also might really want to reconsider the double feature of Sharkboy and Rodriguez other digitally enhanced FX fest Sin City, though personally Im a huge fan of seeing 8-year olds projectile-vomit on their foolish parents. Just like his other family movies in the Spy Kids series, Rodriguez totally captures an imaginative idea and runs with it all the way to Planet Drool. At least George Lopez doesnt get to steal any black people jokes to use them for Latinos in this movie. The good news is that even with all of her clothes on, Sex and the Citys cross-eyed co-star Kristin Davis is a lot more to look at in the 3D. And, I really cant wait to see Lava Girl, Taylor Dooley six years from now when she pulls a Dana Plato and stars in The Adventures of Shark Toy and Labia Girl in Double DP. Somehow I think Rodriguez has been watching The Professional again.
First of all let me just say that First Blood is one the greatest movies ever made. John J. Rambo is a man I can identify with- a hard as fuck VFW, haunted, and will fuck you up if you push him too far. Thats what makes Rambo III such as disgrace. All of sudden hes a fucking action hero! Fuck that. Not to mention that in R3 John doesnt even carry a real Jimmu Lile survival knife. At least in First Blood: Part II he still has a real knife. They did make it bigger than what I would carry, but thats forgivable. But in R3 he has this huge unwieldy prop knife Sure, it might look cooler to a bunch of pimple-faced dorks in a movie theater, but to anyone who knows the first thing about blades, its a fucking joke. He might as well carry around a battle-axe or a broadsword. The fucking blade is 11 inches long and about three inches wide! It has no saw teeth and no compass either. Good luck trying to slit someones throat with that five-pound monstrosity. Ridiculous! One P for reminding me how fucking great First Blood was.
During my regular 4th of July bash with my old war buddies, my good friend Shrapnel Smith interrupted my kicking back and enjoying some PBRs while rocking out the Boss. He berated me for having abandoned my once world-famous proclivity for the world of B-Movies. He said maybe I was doling out so many bad reviews because I wasnt reviewing the right movies. So I decided to head back to my old DVD and VHS collection and shed some much needed light on the Skin-A-Max tittie movies, the no budget hack-n-slashers, and the USA "Up All Night" classics of the past. And there is no better place to start than the king of all American Chop Sockey, Gymkata. Unlike the Chuck Norris films that kicked off the idea of Americans in Kung Fu movies, this movie made no attempt to be credible in any fashion. Though most of the cast is American, almost 50% of the movie is dubbed anyway. Im guessing they couldnt afford an extra microphone, or that the boom op had to play a ninja sentry in several scenes so he couldnt do both jobs at the same time. Maybe it was just because they shot it in Yugoslavia. Who knows? Anyway, this movie is the definition of "so bad its good".
The badass hero is played by actual Olympic gold medallist Kurt Thomas, who is recruited by the CIA to help win a contest in some Middle Eastern country for no real reason. We learn early on that Kurt is going to use his skill as a gymnast and train to become the worlds most dangerous fighting machine. The second he arrives at his destination the attacks begin. Since he doesnt like terrorists and they dont like gay dudes in spandex sporting ribbons and bling, they must kill him or he must kill them. In the second most ridiculous moment in the film, our hero conveniently chases a baddie into an alleyway that just happens to have two poles fashioned into the architecture that somehow function exactly the same as parallel bars! Now he can show us his real Gymfu style, or is it Kungnastics... lets just call it Gymfitsu. Anyway, somehow Kurts effeminate ass manages to get a girlfriend, let her get kidnapped, and conveniently end up at the contest where he proceeds to dodge ninja arrows, spike logs, treacherous canyons and then manages to kill or outlast about 800 other participants.
The best scene in the movie has our 54 gymtastic hero fighting some type of deranged psycho zombies in an ancient village. This, however, is no ordinary village, since it has a 600-year-old stone pommel horse built right into the town square that gives Kurt the ability to swing and kick his way to the end of the contest. If you havent watched many B-Movies in the past, this is the quintessential place to start.
When I saw the description of this one on my Time Warner program guide, I realized all at once this was the moment I had gotten Cinemax for in the first place. The description read, Three Young Throbbits race through the forest in hopes of returning the magical G-String and pleasuring each other. Rated TV-MA for Strong Sexual Content. I thought it had to be a joke, but two clicks later I saw it with my very own eyes, hot chicks acting like they are in Lord Of The Rings getting naked at every turn. It wasnt porn, either. This wasnt Driving Miss Daisys Hole, PeeWees Big Cock Adventure, or Samurai Dick of Death (not really a porn spoof of a real movie, just one of my favorite real porn movies); they actually tried to make some kind of parody of LOTR. The best part is that as soon as I started watching Im thinking to myself that Ive seen the main actress in something before. Didn't she have a cameo in "Law and Order" once? Maybe she used to work for Heidi Fleiss back in the days when Napalm had some money to spend. Nope, she was way too young, and then it hit me. Not only was she starring in this movie as Dildo Saggins, she was also Commander Gaylor in Play-Mate of the Apes! Further research also reveals that not only has Misty Mundae done several other spoof tittie movies like Dead Students Society, That 70s Girl, Dr. Jeckyll and Mistress Hyde, and my favorite, Spiderbabe, in which she played Patricia Porker, but somehow she managed to do like 45 movies in a three-year span. These movies certainly dont take that much time to make, but who knew they made this many of them. Skin-A-Max doesnt even show a third of these screen gems! Misty is one of the best though. Her boobs are real! She actually does seem like a girl you might know from down the street, other than the fact that she delivers her lines with a dirty potty-mouthed zeal worthy of Jenna Haze. And this movie doesnt take itself seriously, ever. It knows its place in the cinematic world. Every non-sex scene knows it only purpose is to fill time with silly one-liners and half-assed attempts at a plot just long enough so there is something to fast forward for those watching on DVD or VHS, and just long enough for those watching on cable to go retrieve their favorite spunk sock from the hamper. So, here begins my Misty Mundae collection. Soon I will have all 62 of her fine cinematic contributions and I will be able to start collecting the wonderful works of her various co-stars.
Note to self. Do not kill a main character if it means writing a whole movie dedicated to resurrecting that character that sucks dirty donkey dong. Just like many other franchise series, Number Two of this series is the best thing going and Number Three fails like a retard in advanced placement classes. Even fake ear wearing, tribble loving, sci-fi uber geeks will tell you that this movie is more painful to watch than having your penis hacked to bits by a Klingon betleH. This movie was such a turd that Kirstie Alley wouldnt even reprise her role as a Vulcan from the previous film. It never fails that when a cast member directs anything Star Trek it ends up garbage.
So you thought Gymkata was a great movie? Youve seen Evil Dead 75 times? You take rice, a newspaper and and a squirt gun to Rocky Horror every Saturday night? Well, Im here to tell you that you dont know shit about cult classics until you have witnessed the power of Barbarians.
Fuck all the sword-and-sandals bullshit like that one with that hot chick with the hairlip Orlando Bloom, or that other one where Colin Ferrell acts like he wants to have his ass blocked by Jared Leto. Those movies are about as fun as using hominy grits as saline solution. But, how bout taking two muscle bound twins from Brooklyn that have the combined IQ of a cantaloupe, and putting them in a Mad Max-meets-Conan-type Spaghetti-Western-Gladiator-Adventure? Then, you throw in some naked girls (most notably the mocha sweet Eva LaRue), some ridiculous battles, a melted-face villain played perfectly by the hideous Richard Lynch, remove anything that might resemble continuity, and you have the makings of an all-time classic B-movie.
Believe it or not, I actually saw this movie in the theater! I know Im old and all, but back in my day they didnt show this kind of stuff on cable, and there was definitely no Netflix. So people used to pay $4.50 to see this shit in the theater. And it was worth it too!
The Barbarian Brothers, Peter and David Paul, were catapulted in to the limelight with more awesome movies like Twin Sitters and a deleted scene in Natural Born Killers. Plus, they did two Coors Light Silver Bullet commercials. Who says good things dont come to those who wait?
Heres a brilliant idea. Take a cast full of real porno stars and shoot a cheesy sci-fi movie with bad special effects that has absolutely no merit in the cinematic landscape. When you cant sell it as a porno, just edit around the actual cock and balls getting buried in some axe wound and sell it to Blockbuster. When Blockbuster wont take it, change the name and sell it to Cinemax as another addition to their late-night marathon of breasts and barebacks. What is most surprising about this movie is not that cheese dick star Evan Stone actually resembles a cro-magnon man, but that the naturally pretty Jezebelle Bond is actually cute and funny. I would have never guessed she could actually act a little after having seen her in Gob Swappers, Lick My Balls, and Ass Eaters Unanimous 4. Maybe those directors just didnt want her to make the rest of the cast look bad. High marks also go to the thick lips of relatively newcomer Kennedy Johnston (and Im not not talking about her smackers, Im talking about her flappers). The hot tub scene between her and Jezebelle will probably keep you from ever seeing the twist at the end of this Encino Man-like T&A fest, but who cares. Director/writer/producer Fred Olen Ray only includes enough plot and cheesy special effects to get you from one breast and ass-baring scrump fest to the next. Im pretty sure most of the sex is real in this movie, which gives it more than a leg up on your average Shannon Tweed or Andy Sidaris fare. So even though it only earns 2 severed ears on my regular scale, it gets four squirts of Jergens and a left-handed jerk on my rub and tug Skin-A-Max scale.
Well its nice to know there is one place left where the Democrats can get things right. Scripted television. You think with all the lefty Commie writers out there in Hollywood that someone could have written at least one decent speech for the 2004 DNC. But alas, buckwheats for the Dems. TV, however is a beautiful place where all your wildest dreams can come true, like a Latino candidate for President that knows how to use his military record to get good headlines. Its also a place where Jeaneane Garafallo can make political statements that people actually listen to without cursing the day they ever heard the name Al Franken. But Im not totally against "The Left Wing". Theres a lot of reality in the show too, like the White House totally botching an internal investigation and people spending more time walking and talking than doing anything that even remotely resembles running the country. At least its more believable than "The Breast Wing"- I mean, "Shes The Sheriff"- no, I mean Gutthroat Island 2: The Oval Orifice, or whatever ABC is calling that unrealistic farce where not only is a woman President, but she is an independent who ran with a Republican. That is about as likely as Tom Cruise having actually delivered his man seed to Katie Holmes instead of using a Turkey baster. This last episode of "The West Wing" didnt even have a cameo by Charlie Sheens dad. That stinks of a Republican White House to me. Im pretty sure Bush only goes by the office to pick up his paychecks or to use the company phone for personal calls. If the Bartlett Administration is meant to mimic our last Democratic White House, then instead of leaving town, the President would just be inviting all of his buddies over to smoke weed through a tube of Snuggle in the Lincoln Bedroom. But even in spite of my animosity towards the guys who make the decisions at the top, and the fact that politically I am more of a Libertarian than a Donkey or a Grand Ole anything, this show still somehow manages to be entertaining and compelling three years after it's prime. The hardest thing for me is watching Bradley Whitford doing the political talk shows and expecting him to sound like the witty and intelligent Josh Lyman, instead of the bumbling prick actor that he really is in real life. Ill give the Aaron Sorkin-less version of the show another couple years if they can really build Smits as a good replacement for Sheen, and if they can find a way to get Alan Alda into a Mary McCormick / Marlee Matlin sandwich. I hear Marlee can do things with her fingers that you wouldnt believe!
The show is called "Lost", and boy they werent kidding. Ive been lost since the first episode. So theres a man-eating monster on the island, but yet no one seems to think thats too big a threat. The wheelchair guy can walk but the Korean guy cant speak English (Never stopped any Koreans I know from being able to communicate. Five Dollar For Pepsi is pretty universal in any language). Winning millions in the lottery is bad, but sexual overtones with your sister are not. Definitely not your usual TV show. Everyone keeps asking, What is the secret of 'Lost'? Are they in Purgatory, or maybe part of an alien experiment? Really, all I want to know is how those guys keep their perfect five oclock shadows going for months at a time, and why that hot chick thinks that super tight low cut jeans are practical on a tropical island. The real mystery behind "Lost" is why more TV shows dont shoot in Hawaii. It worked for "Magnum" and "Hawaii 5-0". Its amazing more shows dont do it. All in all, the show is a pretty good time if youre into that David Lynch-meets-Gilligans Island thing.
If you missed the "Alias" season 4 finale, dont worry. It should be easy to explain. You see, Sidneys dad is not her sisters dad but her evil boss is, and Sidneys mom is an evil Russian spy who is helping capture her more evil Russian spy sister who raised her daughter, but didnt raise Sydney. Then the more evil sister of the Russian mothers teamed up with the more evil dad of the two sisters to create a menacing ball of water from a 300-year-old manuscript that might destroy the world if one of the pairs of sisters doesnt kill their sibling before the zombies stop them. Right about the time people started getting attacked by zombies was the when I puked in my own mouth and swallowed it back from laughing so hard. I watched just long enough to catch the rogue special effects that escaped from the WB threatening the world. They could have made a better-looking ball of water on my old TurboGraphix16. Id say this show was interesting because of the Bennifer hype, but thinking about Affleck bending the manly Garner over is about as hot as Affleck bending over Matt Damon.
Holy fuck on a cross! First Hollywood gave us Wedding Crashers, which was one of the few comedies that was actually funny to hit the big screen since Fletch. Now Hollywood is attempting the unheard of, a sitcom that actually has comedy in its situations! Its not surprising that this show is on F/X, the same cable net that gave us dramatic winners like "Nip/Tuck", "The Shield" "Over There" and "Rescue Me" and that pushed the limits just enough to create good television that wasnt reserved for HBO. So whats so funny about "Its Always Sunny"? Well, cancer, abortion, racism, and underage drinking, for starters. And for dessert, how about the hottest chick youve ever seen on TV having a bulging mushroom tip showing through her hip huggers? Thats right, you cant go wrong with a chicks-with-dicks gag. Or how about dating a black chick so your friends dont think youre racist, or using your friend being diagnosed with cancer as an opportunity to bang the girl he likes? Oh, and the aforementioned tranny is still pursued by one of the show's characters, even after he knows she has a cock and balls. Thats how hot she is. Thank god PC is finally dead again. If I ever see women spelled with a Y again, I swear I will throw all my Ani DiFranco CDs out of a moving car window. The show obviously wont last long, since no one knows that it is on, and, more importantly, because it is actually worth watching; so I highly recommend watching as many episodes as you can before F/X attempts to erase it from existence like the shows character Charlie attempts to erase his unborn child from existence. Hilarious!
What the shit? This was once one of the most creative and inventive shows on television, now its worse than being stuck in the SARS wing of an Asian hospital with no mask. Its gotten to the point where every single character is vile and unlikable. How exactly is the story line supposed to be compelling when you just want to see every person on the show die from a shrapnel wound to the groin? It feels like the show wants to make a turn towards redemption, but gets mired in its stolen "L-Word" story ideas and kitschy how is this person's death relevant opening setups. This show was at least fun when Nate was getting high and balling that almost-hot Australian chick, but now youre more likely to see Keith and David rubbing their stiff dongs together. Do gay guys really even want to see those two get it on? Personally, I'd rather see Ruth Fisher show ole Zephram Cochran that the carpet really does match the drapes. She's a bit of a GILF. What they really need to do is bring back the horse-faced Lurch-wannabe Gabe Dimas character. He was great on the first season of "24" and even better on this show. With Gabe, at least the show might be able to have a little bit of fun with itself. This is almost making me long for another season of "Carnivale" not! In fact, without "Entourage", Im pretty sure it would be time to turn off the HBO until another season of "The Sopranos" is finally ready.
Speaking of "Dance Fever", what the fuck is this rip-off show even doing on TV without Zmed. First of all, this show should be called "Dancing With The People You Might Be Somewhat Familiar With, But Are Still Not Quite Sure If Theyre Celebrities Or Just The Bank Teller Whose Face You Kind Of Remember". Seriously, the only thing I can remember about Rachel Hunters career is that Rod Stewart was teasing her with his wrinkled semi-stiff old man dong for a while. And the most depressing revelation the show has offered so far is that there is one arena where a New Kid On The Block can actually beat a heavyweight boxing champ. I think the show would get better ratings if they had gotten more close-ups of Evander Holyfield's chewed up ear than replays of Joey McIntyre jumping over the competition. I would tell you what I thought of the rest of the show's competitors, but I really have no idea who these people are. The professional dancers look more familiar to me. Have I mentioned yet that the show is worse than tweezing your ass hairs one at a time? They call this reality TV? What exactly is real about has-been celebrities teamed with professional dancers rocking out to Britney Spears's "Toxic"? That doesnt sound like the kind of thing that happens out on the street corners of Detroit. To me this show is the North Korea of summer television. It represents all the evil power of the networks and our pitiful inability to do anything to stop them except to sit and watch in horror and awe as they destroy everything that is good about America.
I liked it the first time this record came out when it was called OK Computer and I still like it now. Some fuck told me I was no better than a Communist traitor for liking this obvious Radiohead rip-off, but thats bullshit. If Radiohead werent busy trying to figure out how to fuck up great music, then I wouldnt have to listen to shit like this. I dont mind Radiohead trying out some new things, but for fucks sake at least turn the techno smegma into a song at some point. The last few Radiohead records have been like listening to a faucet drip in the middle of the night. This record would get 5 Ps except that this band probably sucks a German shepherds cock. They do however manage to cop Radioheads sound and style better than Radiohead ever did, so I am forced to listen to this record repeatedly in hopes that they will somehow mysteriously morph into a band I should respect or care about.
A white man with an afro and suspenders! Its like somebody crossed Rerun and Gallagher. This album had one hit song, You Make Me Feel Like Dancing. It was awful in 1976 and it still sucks a dingleberry out of my thick, nappy rectal 'fro today.
So you may be asking yourself, why then is he reviewing this ancient record if its so bad? Because of "The Muppet Show". Thats right, the goddamn, hand up a frogs ass "Muppet Show". This cheesy fuck Sayer guy did one episode and he fit right in. Maybe because he was fun and happy guy, or maybe because he had a hand up his ass too. But it was an enjoyable episode.
Regardless, it made me decide to pull out the old wax, laugh at the picture, and give Leo the appropriate Naplam treatment: Fuck you Leo Sayer! You are a no-talent half-wit Barry Manilow rip-off. You deserve to be bled to death with a bobby pin in the slowest and most painful death imaginable.
Omigod! Rob Thomas without his band. Whatever shall I do? I know. Ill get some hookers and blow and try to forget I ever listened to this piece of shit record. The only time this guy ever entertained me was when I heard he got booed off stage in Minnesota by college girls after he gained 68 pounds on tour. You know, I remember this one time I was camping in Joshua tree with some of my old war buddies and this one guy breaks out an acoustic guitar. He only knew Matchbox 20 songs and played them repeatedly, until of course, I broke one of his tuning pegs off in his nostril. That shut him up. A musician that only plays Matchbox 20 is like a porn star that only does hand jobs. I cant believe Santana ever did a song with the guy. I must still be tripping from the brown acid I ate at Woodstock.
Are those tits real? I mean they look great and I really cant tell. They seem unnaturally firm, yet seem like they would be soft to the touch. Maybe she just wears those support bras like Angelina Jolie. Or maybe she spent some of her 78 million dollars to get a really good boob job. Damn its tough to know. Ive seen the fake ones up close before, and they sure dont look like that. Given, those were fake boobs on a Vietnamese Tranny that offered to blow me, but they were fake and he/she/it did flash me. Nothing in comparison to the smooth caramel looking mommy mounds that Mariah is sporting though. And speaking of their lusicious caramel color, didnt she used to be white? It could be shes like the bizarro Michael Jackson, but maybe Im imagining that too. I'm going to pretend that Mariah is a really hot, big-breasted black chick and always has been. Oh, yeah, um I never listened to the record. I just bought it for the pictures, so Ill just give it a "P" for every time I've manually ejected my swimmers looking at the cover.
Havent read it. They wouldnt send me an advanced copy, but I probably wouldnt have read it if they had sent me one. I really just wanted to get an early copy that I could sell on Ebay for like $10,000.00 that would have helped me finance this little covert operation weve got going on down in Peru next week. Id tell you more, but then I be forced to send a virus through all of you computers that would erase your brain faster than watching The Day After Tomorrow. So even though I didnt get to read this book, I wanted to make sure I gave the publishers a big fuck you 1 P, whoops, I mean 1 Bloody Ear, rating anyway, because it makes me feel powerful and important to trash other peoples' hard work when they wont share it with me. I did, however, once read a book called Hairy Pooper and the Chasm of the Wizard's Sleeve. In year four of his schooling at Hoglegs, Hairy learns of his new magical power called the Slitherin Salami where he can magically make his snake disappear into his own lightning-scarred dirt trail and appear to look just like a woman! This allows Hairy to blend in with naked women so he can find out what really happens when a bunch of girls claiming to be witches get together. One of the evil witches thwarts Hairy during a game of Queerditch by sabotaging Hairys flying Vibramax 2000, so that he is caught and jammed in the tailpipe by the Flaima he is trying to escape. He is rescued when his buddy Ron (as in Jeremy) grabs the balls and scores repeatedly on various young muglays that obviously have no idea where hes been. In the book's climactic final chapter, Hairy finally makes his wand reappear and magically spurts in the evil Witchs eye. His good friend Whoremoaning helps him celebrate by levitating his balls with her tongue. Now that was a good book! J.K. Balling is one of my favorite authors! J.K. Rowling, however, sucks a donkey cock, and I can only hope that the new book sees Harry Potter die in a horrible eye socket-puncturing magic wand accident.
What was your favorite Movie, CD, TV show, book, piece of celebrity gossip, Phat Phree Article or Napalm moment of 2005? Napalm would probably say Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johannson getting their freak on in an elevator, or he'd say something like "...and if you say the Martha Stweart version of "The Apprentice" I will come to your house and eat your children with a spork and some gravy" or something like that.
Whatever Posted: 1/27/2006by: J-Rock I don't get it. How does Napalm get high marks all year long and then people start bashing on the best of the year?
Funny stuff. My fav this year was the top 50 ways to get fired. I didn't read it until recently and thought it was classic. The reviews and the Pope Interview were good too. Comment Posted: 12/28/2005by: Nick To continue in the spirit of thoughtful, constructive commenting:
This might not be some of the best stuff on the site, but at least it's consistent. When I'm in a bind, I know I can click this for something that's, at worst, decent -- which is more than than I can garauntee of any other random piece. I think what bugs me most about the "Napalm Jones" pieces is also what has led me to grow tired of a lot of work on this site, namely, that it overdoes cleverly-worded rants and super-graphic potty descriptions as excuses for humor. Simply put, there's just not enough "jokes." Ranting and anger can be colorful, but not necessarily clever or funny.
All things considered, I still appreciate this piece every week -- and I certainly couldn't do any better myself. Funny Posted: 12/26/2005by: Live&Direct Barbarians is the best bad movie ever made. Great reviews. This website is awesome. 2005 Posted: 12/23/2005by: k I agree with a lot of Tom A's picks. And will probably go and read the ones I haven't seen. I'm not surprised there aren't a lot of comments on this, because most people aren't working today in this is really long. My favorite movie of the year is still Sin City.
I've read these reviews a few times and I have always thought they were pretty funny. Seems like the only regular thing they do at phat phree. Maybe everyweek is too much, but the comments always seem like there are people who really like it and people who don't. For a site that changes everyday I think it's good to have something steady. Comment. Posted: 12/23/2005by: Jmc You know, I really hate it when people leave really shitty comments, so I'll try to make this one.. you know... intelligible and civilized.
I really think Napalm Jones has outlived his schtick. I mean, it's exceptionally doubtful that the man is a "retired marine" (wtf??). But more than the wierd, violent posturing is the fact that the wierd, violent posturing serves as the basis for humour which more often than not isn't well-written or funny. I don't know if the "I'm a marine, hoo-rah. Boo-rah. Fuck my bullet wounds" device actually gets in the way of the writer's being able to produce funny stuff. Actuall, scratch that: it does.
Some of Napalm's stuff is genuinely good, but a lot of it isn't. And when you take a rote formula that produces a small percentage of good stuff, and then crank it up to produce a huge volume, you're cranking out a huge volume of relatively low-quality writing.
I guess most of the contributors to P.P. do it for the purposes of practicing their writing, so I guess it's all fair game. And maybe Napalm wants genuine feedback on his work? I hope so.
Five Ears for The Holy Sea feeds a small country good! 
Four Ears for communion wafer with jelly good!
Three Ears for as good as having your own hat that no one else can wear!
Two Ears for Bird shit on the Popemobile good.
One Ear for priest snoring through your confession good.
An added testicle for extra blessing in latin.
I dare you to name a good Dennis Quaid movie! If you said Innerspace youre an asshole. Enemy Mine? Not unless youre really high. Switchback = crickets. Nope, Dennis Quaid is bad. Need proof? Watch the third worst movie of all time, The Day After Tomorrow. Of the 54 movies he's been in, hes only made three that are really good. Dreamscape, Wilder Napalm, of course, and this one. But I can tell you right now hes not the reason this movie is any good. It certainly isnt that seventies fuck either. Its Scarlett Boing Johansson. She gets 2 Ps just for being alive. Finally, there is a hot chick in movies thats got a little meat on her bones. Id like to get lost in her translation. Ill give another P to the other healthy honey in this flick, Marg Helgenberger. Her left tit steals the third act of Species, so Ill always have a soft spot for her. The fourth P is for the actual movie. Even though there was a serious lack of violence and special effects, I have to say I had a good time sitting through this one. Plus Selma Blair reminds me of this Thai hooker that used to have the best Donkey and Cantaloupe routine Ive ever seen.
Its not that this movie is bad- but here's how you make this movie better. Take what everyone involved in this flick is good at and make it a part of the movie. Chris Nolan, who directed Memento, could turn the timeline inside out and show the movie backwards, so Batman can kill the bad guy first, bang Katie Holmes second, and then run off to Tibet last. That way, you can just get up and walk out of the theatre after the first 30 minutes. Katie Holmes could use her awesome talent and just get naked like when Greg Kinnear choke-balled her in The Gift. And Christian Bale could reprise his best role ever as the American Psycho, which is pretty much what Batman is anyway. Personally, Id be much more entertained by Bruce Wayne bringing home sluts and carving them up while listening to any song from Huey Lewis and The News' Sports album. Of course, madcap hilarity would ensue when Alfred has trouble cleaning up the mess just before Commisioner Gordan shows up for dinner. Apparently Liam Neeson was the only one who got my memo, because he spends most of this movie giving his best Qui Gon impression. I know I wont be able to dissuade you from seeing this movie, and its really not all that bad, but I urge you not to lie down and take it like a 13-year old at Neverland Ranch after a couple bottles of Merlot. Have some dignity and at least acknowledge that they will never make another truly top notch Batman movie like the first one - and by first one I mean the pilot for the old TV show, not that goofy bullshit with the dude from Gung Ho.
Staring Mark Vincent (AKA Vin Diesel). Oh wait, no. Starring O'SHea Jackson (AKA Ice Cube)? You mean the guy from Barbershop and Friday? Well he is a nigga with attitude and he did do that Ghosts Of Mars movie which certainly qualifies him to star in a franchise action series, right? According to his illustrious rap career he is also quite adept at handling firearms as well. And since Mark Vincent thought his career would be better served as the Nanny or whatever that piece of shit movie was, we get Ice Cube as the American 007. Now back to reality. You do not hold a gun sideways when people are trying to kill you. You do not bust witty one-liners while throwing a grenade. You do not jump a boat onto a bridge in the middle of rush hour. I love gangsta rap and guns as much as the next guy, but Ice Cube should keep his acting in the world of cutting heads and out of the realm of top secret action hero. "It's snakes out dare dis big?" Big surprise they passed on Cube for Anaconda 2.
I should've known the second I walked in to a movie named after a song by the Cure that there was no way I could walk away happy. Is it really a good sign for your movie when audiences start cheering for Napoleon Dynamite every time he appears on screen instead of laughing at the five jokes that were written for the film? Me not tink so, as they say on the islands. Isnt it also a bad thing when a movies star, Reese Twilight Titties Witherspoon, really reminds me of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? There is some shitty high concept romantic comedy like this every single fucking year, and for some reason people still keep watching this crap. Fuck the love from beyond the grave thing. You want a high concept movie that Ill go see? How bout, after a car accident, Reese Witherspoon finds out that the afterlife has doomed her to a hell of dyking out on Scarlett Love In An Elevator Johannson and Wynona Id Love To Ryder, until she realizes that the only way she can get into heaven is to either let Satan take her down the dirt road, or to shoot her way through 300 demons and angels with an M-60. Now thats a good date movie compared to this sappy, five-joke tearjerker. If Im gonna spend ten bucks to jerk something at the movies, it aint gonna be tears. Mark Ruffalo should be castrated with a high-tension rubber band for taking this part, especially after he had finally gained my respect for flopping around with Meg Ryans flab bags in In The Cut. This was an unforgivable backstep by the actor in my book, and can only be forgiven by a cameo on "Will and Grace", where he mercilessly slaps the shit out of each character until they bleed out from their rectums. Unless you are on a first date and havent been laid for two years, then skip the shit out of this turd.
Hanoi Jane, that traitorous shitheel, takes like 20 years off from acting and decides to mount a glorious comeback in a movie starring Jennifer Lopez? I hate Jane as much as any vet, but I hate Jennifer Lopez as an actress even more. In fact, I hate her as a singer too. Come to think of it I havent liked anything about J-Lo since those spandex pants she wore back when she was a fly girl on In Living Color or her brief nude scene in Money Train. She wasnt nearly as hot, however, as Jane was in the all time greatest jerk fest, Barbarella. So basically this movie is JFo versus Loperrella going toe to toe because of that scrawny guy from "Alias". Pure genius! If they were both in their prime and mud wrestling naked. It makes sense that Fonda would take 20 years off since her last good movie was Klute, unless youre one of those sick people that liked Stanley and Iris, Old Gringo, or Leonard Part 6. If so, I hope you choke on your popcorn. 
Wonder twin powers activate! Shape of a Clydesdale! Form of Urine! Thats right, even Zan and Jayna, with their unworldly galactic powers, cant describe this movie as anything better than horse piss. Trying to figure out the mystery of this movie is like the Hardy Boys trying to figure out who stole the soul; it just doesnt make any sense. The most entertaining thing about this movie is the drinking game I created for it. When someone gets killed take one drink. When you see Val Kilmer on screen and it makes you think of Top Secret or Top Gun, take two drinks. Any time you are confused by the plot, take a drink. Anytime you dont give a fuck about how confused you are, take another drink. Whenever there is a ticking clock on screen, the first person to notice and slap their buddy in the back of the head, gets to make anyone else in the theater that they want drink. And finally the rule that will have you totally hammered, any time LL Cool J licks his lips before a line you must pound a full beer. If you are not totally fucked up by the time you leave the theater then try my other favorite drinking game Beat The Buzz. Pound a whole case of PBR while driving home and see if you can make it to your house before youre totally slobberknockered.
Beats the shit out of the serial Flash Gordon movies we had when I was kid. Robert Rodriguez has apparently done just enough illegal substances while hanging out with Quentin Tarrantino to know how to really entertain the kids. Too bad it has also stunted his attention span. This movie has more quick cuts than a depressed goth chick at a My Chemical Romance concert. The drive-in theater where I saw this movie also might really want to reconsider the double feature of Sharkboy and Rodriguez other digitally enhanced FX fest Sin City, though personally Im a huge fan of seeing 8-year olds projectile-vomit on their foolish parents. Just like his other family movies in the Spy Kids series, Rodriguez totally captures an imaginative idea and runs with it all the way to Planet Drool. At least George Lopez doesnt get to steal any black people jokes to use them for Latinos in this movie. The good news is that even with all of her clothes on, Sex and the Citys cross-eyed co-star Kristin Davis is a lot more to look at in the 3D. And, I really cant wait to see Lava Girl, Taylor Dooley six years from now when she pulls a Dana Plato and stars in The Adventures of Shark Toy and Labia Girl in Double DP. Somehow I think Rodriguez has been watching The Professional again.
First of all let me just say that First Blood is one the greatest movies ever made. John J. Rambo is a man I can identify with- a hard as fuck VFW, haunted, and will fuck you up if you push him too far. Thats what makes Rambo III such as disgrace. All of sudden hes a fucking action hero! Fuck that. Not to mention that in R3 John doesnt even carry a real Jimmu Lile survival knife. At least in First Blood: Part II he still has a real knife. They did make it bigger than what I would carry, but thats forgivable. But in R3 he has this huge unwieldy prop knife 
Sure, it might look cooler to a bunch of pimple-faced dorks in a movie theater, but to anyone who knows the first thing about blades, its a fucking joke. He might as well carry around a battle-axe or a broadsword. The fucking blade is 11 inches long and about three inches wide! It has no saw teeth and no compass either. Good luck trying to slit someones throat with that five-pound monstrosity. Ridiculous! One P for reminding me how fucking great First Blood was.
During my regular 4th of July bash with my old war buddies, my good friend Shrapnel Smith interrupted my kicking back and enjoying some PBRs while rocking out the Boss. He berated me for having abandoned my once world-famous proclivity for the world of B-Movies. He said maybe I was doling out so many bad reviews because I wasnt reviewing the right movies. So I decided to head back to my old DVD and VHS collection and shed some much needed light on the Skin-A-Max tittie movies, the no budget hack-n-slashers, and the USA "Up All Night" classics of the past. And there is no better place to start than the king of all American Chop Sockey, Gymkata. Unlike the Chuck Norris films that kicked off the idea of Americans in Kung Fu movies, this movie made no attempt to be credible in any fashion. Though most of the cast is American, almost 50% of the movie is dubbed anyway. Im guessing they couldnt afford an extra microphone, or that the boom op had to play a ninja sentry in several scenes so he couldnt do both jobs at the same time. Maybe it was just because they shot it in Yugoslavia. Who knows? Anyway, this movie is the definition of "so bad its good". 
When I saw the description of this one on my Time Warner program guide, I realized all at once this was the moment I had gotten Cinemax for in the first place. The description read, Three Young Throbbits race through the forest in hopes of returning the magical G-String and pleasuring each other. Rated TV-MA for Strong Sexual Content. I thought it had to be a joke, but two clicks later I saw it with my very own eyes, hot chicks acting like they are in Lord Of The Rings getting naked at every turn. It wasnt porn, either. This wasnt Driving Miss Daisys Hole, PeeWees Big Cock Adventure, or Samurai Dick of Death (not really a porn spoof of a real movie, just one of my favorite real porn movies); they actually tried to make some kind of parody of LOTR. The best part is that as soon as I started watching Im thinking to myself that Ive seen the main actress in something before. Didn't she have a cameo in "Law and Order" once? Maybe she used to work for Heidi Fleiss back in the days when Napalm had some money to spend. Nope, she was way too young, and then it hit me. Not only was she starring in this movie as Dildo Saggins, she was also Commander Gaylor in Play-Mate of the Apes! Further research also reveals that not only has Misty Mundae done several other spoof tittie movies like Dead Students Society, That 70s Girl, Dr. Jeckyll and Mistress Hyde, and my favorite, Spiderbabe, in which she played Patricia Porker, but somehow she managed to do like 45 movies in a three-year span. These movies certainly dont take that much time to make, but who knew they made this many of them. Skin-A-Max doesnt even show a third of these screen gems! Misty is one of the best though. Her boobs are real! She actually does seem like a girl you might know from down the street, other than the fact that she delivers her lines with a dirty potty-mouthed zeal worthy of Jenna Haze. And this movie doesnt take itself seriously, ever. It knows its place in the cinematic world. Every non-sex scene knows it only purpose is to fill time with silly one-liners and half-assed attempts at a plot just long enough so there is something to fast forward for those watching on DVD or VHS, and just long enough for those watching on cable to go retrieve their favorite spunk sock from the hamper. So, here begins my Misty Mundae collection. Soon I will have all 62 of her fine cinematic contributions and I will be able to start collecting the wonderful works of her various co-stars.
Note to self. Do not kill a main character if it means writing a whole movie dedicated to resurrecting that character that sucks dirty donkey dong. Just like many other franchise series, Number Two of this series is the best thing going and Number Three fails like a retard in advanced placement classes. Even fake ear wearing, tribble loving, sci-fi uber geeks will tell you that this movie is more painful to watch than having your penis hacked to bits by a Klingon betleH. This movie was such a turd that Kirstie Alley wouldnt even reprise her role as a Vulcan from the previous film. It never fails that when a cast member directs anything Star Trek it ends up garbage.
So you thought Gymkata was a great movie? Youve seen Evil Dead 75 times? You take rice, a newspaper and and a squirt gun to Rocky Horror every Saturday night? Well, Im here to tell you that you dont know shit about cult classics until you have witnessed the power of Barbarians.
Heres a brilliant idea. Take a cast full of real porno stars and shoot a cheesy sci-fi movie with bad special effects that has absolutely no merit in the cinematic landscape. When you cant sell it as a porno, just edit around the actual cock and balls getting buried in some axe wound and sell it to Blockbuster. When Blockbuster wont take it, change the name and sell it to Cinemax as another addition to their late-night marathon of breasts and barebacks. What is most surprising about this movie is not that cheese dick star Evan Stone actually resembles a cro-magnon man, but that the naturally pretty Jezebelle Bond is actually cute and funny. I would have never guessed she could actually act a little after having seen her in Gob Swappers, Lick My Balls, and Ass Eaters Unanimous 4. Maybe those directors just didnt want her to make the rest of the cast look bad. High marks also go to the thick lips of relatively newcomer Kennedy Johnston (and Im not not talking about her smackers, Im talking about her flappers). The hot tub scene between her and Jezebelle will probably keep you from ever seeing the twist at the end of this Encino Man-like T&A fest, but who cares. Director/writer/producer Fred Olen Ray only includes enough plot and cheesy special effects to get you from one breast and ass-baring scrump fest to the next. Im pretty sure most of the sex is real in this movie, which gives it more than a leg up on your average Shannon Tweed or Andy Sidaris fare. So even though it only earns 2 severed ears on my regular scale, it gets four squirts of Jergens and a left-handed jerk on my rub and tug Skin-A-Max scale.
Well its nice to know there is one place left where the Democrats can get things right. Scripted television. You think with all the lefty Commie writers out there in Hollywood that someone could have written at least one decent speech for the 2004 DNC. But alas, buckwheats for the Dems. TV, however is a beautiful place where all your wildest dreams can come true, like a Latino candidate for President that knows how to use his military record to get good headlines. Its also a place where Jeaneane Garafallo can make political statements that people actually listen to without cursing the day they ever heard the name Al Franken. But Im not totally against "The Left Wing". Theres a lot of reality in the show too, like the White House totally botching an internal investigation and people spending more time walking and talking than doing anything that even remotely resembles running the country. At least its more believable than "The Breast Wing"- I mean, "Shes The Sheriff"- no, I mean Gutthroat Island 2: The Oval Orifice, or whatever ABC is calling that unrealistic farce where not only is a woman President, but she is an independent who ran with a Republican. That is about as likely as Tom Cruise having actually delivered his man seed to Katie Holmes instead of using a Turkey baster. This last episode of "The West Wing" didnt even have a cameo by Charlie Sheens dad. That stinks of a Republican White House to me. Im pretty sure Bush only goes by the office to pick up his paychecks or to use the company phone for personal calls. If the Bartlett Administration is meant to mimic our last Democratic White House, then instead of leaving town, the President would just be inviting all of his buddies over to smoke weed through a tube of Snuggle in the Lincoln Bedroom. But even in spite of my animosity towards the guys who make the decisions at the top, and the fact that politically I am more of a Libertarian than a Donkey or a Grand Ole anything, this show still somehow manages to be entertaining and compelling three years after it's prime. The hardest thing for me is watching Bradley Whitford doing the political talk shows and expecting him to sound like the witty and intelligent Josh Lyman, instead of the bumbling prick actor that he really is in real life. Ill give the Aaron Sorkin-less version of the show another couple years if they can really build Smits as a good replacement for Sheen, and if they can find a way to get Alan Alda into a Mary McCormick / Marlee Matlin sandwich. I hear Marlee can do things with her fingers that you wouldnt believe!
The show is called "Lost", and boy they werent kidding. Ive been lost since the first episode. So theres a man-eating monster on the island, but yet no one seems to think thats too big a threat. The wheelchair guy can walk but the Korean guy cant speak English (Never stopped any Koreans I know from being able to communicate. Five Dollar For Pepsi is pretty universal in any language). Winning millions in the lottery is bad, but sexual overtones with your sister are not. Definitely not your usual TV show. Everyone keeps asking, What is the secret of 'Lost'? Are they in Purgatory, or maybe part of an alien experiment? Really, all I want to know is how those guys keep their perfect five oclock shadows going for months at a time, and why that hot chick thinks that super tight low cut jeans are practical on a tropical island. The real mystery behind "Lost" is why more TV shows dont shoot in Hawaii. It worked for "Magnum" and "Hawaii 5-0". Its amazing more shows dont do it. All in all, the show is a pretty good time if youre into that David Lynch-meets-Gilligans Island thing.
If you missed the "Alias" season 4 finale, dont worry. It should be easy to explain. You see, Sidneys dad is not her sisters dad but her evil boss is, and Sidneys mom is an evil Russian spy who is helping capture her more evil Russian spy sister who raised her daughter, but didnt raise Sydney. Then the more evil sister of the Russian mothers teamed up with the more evil dad of the two sisters to create a menacing ball of water from a 300-year-old manuscript that might destroy the world if one of the pairs of sisters doesnt kill their sibling before the zombies stop them. Right about the time people started getting attacked by zombies was the when I puked in my own mouth and swallowed it back from laughing so hard. I watched just long enough to catch the rogue special effects that escaped from the WB threatening the world. They could have made a better-looking ball of water on my old TurboGraphix16. Id say this show was interesting because of the Bennifer hype, but thinking about Affleck bending the manly Garner over is about as hot as Affleck bending over Matt Damon.
Holy fuck on a cross! First Hollywood gave us Wedding Crashers, which was one of the few comedies that was actually funny to hit the big screen since Fletch. Now Hollywood is attempting the unheard of, a sitcom that actually has comedy in its situations! Its not surprising that this show is on F/X, the same cable net that gave us dramatic winners like "Nip/Tuck", "The Shield" "Over There" and "Rescue Me" and that pushed the limits just enough to create good television that wasnt reserved for HBO. So whats so funny about "Its Always Sunny"? Well, cancer, abortion, racism, and underage drinking, for starters. And for dessert, how about the hottest chick youve ever seen on TV having a bulging mushroom tip showing through her hip huggers? Thats right, you cant go wrong with a chicks-with-dicks gag. Or how about dating a black chick so your friends dont think youre racist, or using your friend being diagnosed with cancer as an opportunity to bang the girl he likes? Oh, and the aforementioned tranny is still pursued by one of the show's characters, even after he knows she has a cock and balls. Thats how hot she is. Thank god PC is finally dead again. If I ever see women spelled with a Y again, I swear I will throw all my Ani DiFranco CDs out of a moving car window. The show obviously wont last long, since no one knows that it is on, and, more importantly, because it is actually worth watching; so I highly recommend watching as many episodes as you can before F/X attempts to erase it from existence like the shows character Charlie attempts to erase his unborn child from existence. Hilarious!
What the shit? This was once one of the most creative and inventive shows on television, now its worse than being stuck in the SARS wing of an Asian hospital with no mask. Its gotten to the point where every single character is vile and unlikable. How exactly is the story line supposed to be compelling when you just want to see every person on the show die from a shrapnel wound to the groin? It feels like the show wants to make a turn towards redemption, but gets mired in its stolen "L-Word" story ideas and kitschy how is this person's death relevant opening setups. This show was at least fun when Nate was getting high and balling that almost-hot Australian chick, but now youre more likely to see Keith and David rubbing their stiff dongs together. Do gay guys really even want to see those two get it on? Personally, I'd rather see Ruth Fisher show ole Zephram Cochran that the carpet really does match the drapes. She's a bit of a GILF. What they really need to do is bring back the horse-faced Lurch-wannabe Gabe Dimas character. He was great on the first season of "24" and even better on this show. With Gabe, at least the show might be able to have a little bit of fun with itself. This is almost making me long for another season of "Carnivale" not! In fact, without "Entourage", Im pretty sure it would be time to turn off the HBO until another season of "The Sopranos" is finally ready.
Speaking of "Dance Fever", what the fuck is this rip-off show even doing on TV without Zmed. First of all, this show should be called "Dancing With The People You Might Be Somewhat Familiar With, But Are Still Not Quite Sure If Theyre Celebrities Or Just The Bank Teller Whose Face You Kind Of Remember". Seriously, the only thing I can remember about Rachel Hunters career is that Rod Stewart was teasing her with his wrinkled semi-stiff old man dong for a while. And the most depressing revelation the show has offered so far is that there is one arena where a New Kid On The Block can actually beat a heavyweight boxing champ. I think the show would get better ratings if they had gotten more close-ups of Evander Holyfield's chewed up ear than replays of Joey McIntyre jumping over the competition. I would tell you what I thought of the rest of the show's competitors, but I really have no idea who these people are. The professional dancers look more familiar to me. Have I mentioned yet that the show is worse than tweezing your ass hairs one at a time? They call this reality TV? What exactly is real about has-been celebrities teamed with professional dancers rocking out to Britney Spears's "Toxic"? That doesnt sound like the kind of thing that happens out on the street corners of Detroit. To me this show is the North Korea of summer television. It represents all the evil power of the networks and our pitiful inability to do anything to stop them except to sit and watch in horror and awe as they destroy everything that is good about America.
I liked it the first time this record came out when it was called OK Computer and I still like it now. Some fuck told me I was no better than a Communist traitor for liking this obvious Radiohead rip-off, but thats bullshit. If Radiohead werent busy trying to figure out how to fuck up great music, then I wouldnt have to listen to shit like this. I dont mind Radiohead trying out some new things, but for fucks sake at least turn the techno smegma into a song at some point. The last few Radiohead records have been like listening to a faucet drip in the middle of the night. This record would get 5 Ps except that this band probably sucks a German shepherds cock. They do however manage to cop Radioheads sound and style better than Radiohead ever did, so I am forced to listen to this record repeatedly in hopes that they will somehow mysteriously morph into a band I should respect or care about.
A white man with an afro and suspenders! Its like somebody crossed Rerun and Gallagher. This album had one hit song, You Make Me Feel Like Dancing. It was awful in 1976 and it still sucks a dingleberry out of my thick, nappy rectal 'fro today. 
Omigod! Rob Thomas without his band. Whatever shall I do? I know. Ill get some hookers and blow and try to forget I ever listened to this piece of shit record. The only time this guy ever entertained me was when I heard he got booed off stage in Minnesota by college girls after he gained 68 pounds on tour. You know, I remember this one time I was camping in Joshua tree with some of my old war buddies and this one guy breaks out an acoustic guitar. He only knew Matchbox 20 songs and played them repeatedly, until of course, I broke one of his tuning pegs off in his nostril. That shut him up. A musician that only plays Matchbox 20 is like a porn star that only does hand jobs. I cant believe Santana ever did a song with the guy. I must still be tripping from the brown acid I ate at Woodstock.
Are those tits real? I mean they look great and I really cant tell. They seem unnaturally firm, yet seem like they would be soft to the touch. Maybe she just wears those support bras like Angelina Jolie. Or maybe she spent some of her 78 million dollars to get a really good boob job. Damn its tough to know. Ive seen the fake ones up close before, and they sure dont look like that. Given, those were fake boobs on a Vietnamese Tranny that offered to blow me, but they were fake and he/she/it did flash me. Nothing in comparison to the smooth caramel looking mommy mounds that Mariah is sporting though. And speaking of their lusicious caramel color, didnt she used to be white? It could be shes like the bizarro Michael Jackson, but maybe Im imagining that too. I'm going to pretend that Mariah is a really hot, big-breasted black chick and always has been. Oh, yeah, um I never listened to the record. I just bought it for the pictures, so Ill just give it a "P" for every time I've manually ejected my swimmers looking at the cover.
Havent read it. They wouldnt send me an advanced copy, but I probably wouldnt have read it if they had sent me one. I really just wanted to get an early copy that I could sell on Ebay for like $10,000.00 that would have helped me finance this little covert operation weve got going on down in Peru next week. Id tell you more, but then I be forced to send a virus through all of you computers that would erase your brain faster than watching The Day After Tomorrow. So even though I didnt get to read this book, I wanted to make sure I gave the publishers a big fuck you 1 P, whoops, I mean 1 Bloody Ear, rating anyway, because it makes me feel powerful and important to trash other peoples' hard work when they wont share it with me. I did, however, once read a book called Hairy Pooper and the Chasm of the Wizard's Sleeve. In year four of his schooling at Hoglegs, Hairy learns of his new magical power called the Slitherin Salami where he can magically make his snake disappear into his own lightning-scarred dirt trail and appear to look just like a woman! This allows Hairy to blend in with naked women so he can find out what really happens when a bunch of girls claiming to be witches get together. One of the evil witches thwarts Hairy during a game of Queerditch by sabotaging Hairys flying Vibramax 2000, so that he is caught and jammed in the tailpipe by the Flaima he is trying to escape. He is rescued when his buddy Ron (as in Jeremy) grabs the balls and scores repeatedly on various young muglays that obviously have no idea where hes been. In the book's climactic final chapter, Hairy finally makes his wand reappear and magically spurts in the evil Witchs eye. His good friend Whoremoaning helps him celebrate by levitating his balls with her tongue. Now that was a good book! J.K. Balling is one of my favorite authors! J.K. Rowling, however, sucks a donkey cock, and I can only hope that the new book sees Harry Potter die in a horrible eye socket-puncturing magic wand accident.
