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I HATE EVERYONE IN HERE!
That’s right! I’m the bartender here, and that is an automatic license for me to HATE YOU! So go ahead assholes, tell me what you’re having?
You want a top-shelf Long Island Ice Tea? Well, first of all, I want to say, ‘FUCK YOU!’ and second, I want you to know how much of an asshole you are for ordering a top-shelf Long Island, you douchbag! It’s going to cost $5.00 more than a normal Long Island, and I automatically HATE YOU for ordering it. So I’m just going to go ahead and make you a rotgut Long Island. See that plastic bottle of Kamchatka with the handles? That’s all you, ass-munch. I’m going to charge you the top-shelf price, anyway. Go ahead and drink up, homie; you’ll never know the difference. Fucking jackass!
All right, who was next?
You in the popped-up collar T-shirt, who is obviously trying to impress four girls by buying them all shots. So what will it be, fag-boy? Five Redheaded Sluts? You betcha, dickhead! I’m going to pour very little alcohol, fill it up with cranberry juice and watch you pretend to get wasted. It’s going to be great! What’s even better is how those girls won’t even be talking to you anymore in about twenty minutes, when you finally realize they’re using you to buy them shots. So thanks a lot, that will be 26 bucks, and don’t forget the tip, Captain Hand-job!
Next!
Chief? You’re calling me “Chief?” Well, since you feel you can call me “Chief”, I’m going to go ahead and call you, “Cock-Munch who will end up sleeping with himself tonight, after spending all of his paycheck at MY bar”. Cool? Can I call you that, since you’re calling me Chief?
Ok, perfect, who’s next?
HELP ME!
Oh, hey there, incredibly attractive girl who’s obviously flirting with me as she’s telling me her drink order, thinking I’ll give her and her equally incredibly attractive friend the drinks for free. Whatta ya having? What was that? Cosmopolitans? Sure, no problem, here’s two Bud Light bottles; now go shove them up your twats, you gold-diggers!
Who was next? Ha ha, great...here we go!
You three guys in the Striped Shirts. Let me guess… Red Bull and Vodka? How did I know? I’m Jeannie Fucking Dixon, that’s how. No problem, toolboxes; that will be $31.50, and you can’t even have the rest of the Red Bull can, either. Just give me a twenty, a ten and a five and walk away from my bar immediately. Don’t say a fucking word to me, because I will jump over this bar and kill you with my bare hands, you got it? Just keep walking away and everything will be alright.
Ok, another three hours to Last Call…All I have to do is not pull out my Uzi and everything will be alright!
Who wants to kiss my ass next?
Here's your drink, now get the fuck away from me!
Helpul tip to winning the bartender over
Buy a Bud Light bottle, don’t say a fucking word, leave a $1.50 tip, and be on your way! The Bartender will go out his way for you the next time he sees you.
i am laughing my ass off it this one. Amazing how those damned stripped shirt guys keep popping in!
Nick S.
SPOT ON
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Post #: 2
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Posted: 9/20/2005 4:16:59 AM
Seriously, why do all bartenders hate guys in their 20's?
I think, they think, that the guys buying drinks are just worthless members of society. They see all guys in their 20's as frat-asshats who just left home after watching GIRLS GONE WILD on VHS and now want to pound large amounts of Jaeger and fuck every girl they see. It's annoying when you are an anti-frat guy and you want no part of it. You actually have a good job and hate Jaeger and would probably get along fine with the bartender when he wasn't pouring drinks.
Of course, then if they see you are not a frat-asshat, then they hate you because they assume you are a business suit rich-kid who likes to drink Starbucks and talk about "sales," "closing deals," and office politics. But what if you aren't that either? Well, you don't have a choice. You either like to bang hot chicks without conscience or you drink Starbucks 24/7... and you are seen as shallow for either no matter what. YOU CAN'T FUCKING WIN.
deuce
nice job chad
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Posted: 9/20/2005 7:05:12 AM
1 recommendation for your helpful tip: skip the bud light (unless you are ordering for your girlfriend) and buy a fuckin fatweiser. you wont NEED to say anything- the bartender will nod, you will do likewise and leave the man $1.50 as suggested.
Beder
Shameless
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Post #: 4
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Posted: 9/20/2005 9:02:17 AM
This is the most shamelss attempt I've ever seen to get the top article "emailed to a friend", because you know full well I'll be sending 1000's of these out. Why no "Mike Beder is the Coolest Guy Ever" article? I would single handedly sent that out more than "striped shirt" without a problem .
anand
NIck s
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Posted: 9/20/2005 9:43:20 AM
Nick S you are the biggest pussy. What the fuck do you care if some imaginary bartender doesnt like you. Are you really venting about the trials and tribulations of well to do 20- something who is all too often mistaken for a former frat guy or preppie rich kid. I should start a Lifetime channel for guys, so I can make money catering to your pussy ass demographic. Keep this shit to your mom and your fucking diary, you amatuer. I think the reason guys join frats is to kick the shit out of guys like you, and then fuck your best friend, which is some hot ass girl that you have been drooling over since high school and you can't see why she dates assholes. Next time keep that shit to yourself, take a deep breath and listen to your Simple Plan CD.
Eric
Tipping
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Post #: 6
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Posted: 9/20/2005 10:09:28 AM
A waitress spends at least half an hour making several trips to your table and often has to carry heavy trays full of food. We tip them 15-20%.
A bartender spends 1-5 seconds either popping the cap of a beer bottle or puring two separate liquids into a glass. If you don't tip them 25% they won't even look at you the rest of the night.
Dicks.
K.W.
yeah
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 9/20/2005 10:15:34 AM
What if your an ex-frat, rich kid, mid 20's, well-to-do, suit jockey? Doesnt matter. The only guy a bartender is going to like is the guy that the bartender knows has a worse job than he does. Bartenders got it tough. They have to bust thier ass and watch everyone party. I think all Mormans should be bartenders...it would only be fair.
Cameron
Anand
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Posted: 9/20/2005 10:21:36 AM
I think Anand got turned away from a few frat parties in his day. He probably got intimidated by a few frat guys and had a couple fuck his girlfriend. He sounds a little bitter.
Don't worry Anand. Just keep telling yourself that they're not cool and you are.
Charlie
Red Bull
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Posted: 9/20/2005 10:41:18 AM
Love the comment about not getting the rest of the Red Bull can, completely fitting
matt
Not bad
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 9/20/2005 11:35:40 AM
Though a few too many rferences to the Pol's legendary article. Is theis barrtender named STEVE?
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