Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
As if this wasn't bad enough
Is ESPN issuing a challenge, daring people to stop paying attention to it? Is it some sort of Jobian test, seeing if we will curse the Worldwide Leader?
It all started with the promotion of anchors for SportsCenter who value alleged cleverness over actually reporting sports news. Then, the constant airing of faux sports programming, from poker to docu-dramas in the “All I wanna do is race, Daddy!” vein. Then the travesty that is Page 3, where sports takes a back seat to Hollywood, fashion, and everything else that’s NOT FUCKING SPORTS! And now, the proverbial straw on the back of sports-loving camels all over the world: Erica Lucero.
The idea to have an actual college student write a column for ESPN.com about their school’s team was a good one. Everyone knows Page 2 hasn’t been a bastion of objectivity with regards to writers’ teams, from Neel on the left coast to Simmons’ constant verbal fellating of Beantown. So to have someone writing up close and personally about the sport that arguably arouses the greatest passions of all, college football, could have been a stroke of genius. There are certainly budding sportswriters at student publications from sea to shining sea, at football-crazy schools like Ohio State or Tennessee, who would sell their left nut (or ovary) to write a column for ESPN.com.
Which leads us to the first mistake. When doing something, anything, that depends on the absolute devotion and dedication of fans, the first rule is to stay the fuck away from Los Angeles. In Philly, they’re known for booing Santa Claus. In Boston, the Feared Fenway Faithful. In Chicago, the Wrigley Bleacher Bums. Hell, even in Sacramento they’ve got insane cowbell-ringing masses. In L.A.? Sports fans are known for one thing and one thing only: not giving a shit. The phrase “let’s beat the traffic” is widely believed to have been coined in the City of Angels. For Chrissakes, this is a city that lost two NFL teams in one year and didn’t even notice. So you choose to base this grand plan there?
He's like, so hot
OK, fine, I’ll let this slide. USC is on top of the college football world right now, and so maybe even the spoiled little shits there would notice the team. And they do have a storied legacy, playing in the Rose Bowl 29 times since 1922, and featuring outstanding players from Killer Simpson to Matt Leinart (We’ll ignore the fact that the History page on their official web site goes all the way back to 1998). The Daily Trojan, USC’s student newspaper, lists articles by 11 writers in its sports department. I’m sure at least a couple of these people probably are familiar with the USC football program. Given ESPN’s brand recognition, they basically have their pick of the litter. So they pick…Erica Lucero. Wow, she must have had the most sports articles, right? Wrong. Then the best? Wrong. This is not a subjective opinion, it’s a definite fact, because she hasn’t written anything for the sports department. Nothing. The only article by Erica Lucero listed on the Daily Trojan site is titled “Take a break and take in Los Angeles.” You know this is going to end well.
But hey, she’s a writer, right? And given that the Mighty Condoms have won one-and-a-half straight championships, she’s bound to know something about the football team. Right? Maybe? Please? I mean, Ms. “Rough Guide L.A.” would be forced to write a sports article for ESPN, of course. Even if she turned in something fluffy and dumb, they would send it back with a note along the lines of “We are the web component of the nation’s preeminent sports authority. Fix this.” Unless, of course, they no longer gave a shit and had complete confidence that the sports fans of America had completely digested the Kool-Aid and would swallow whatever slop they served up.
Obviously, this is what the great Disnified muckety-mucks at ESPN have decided, because they have since published the following drivel:
On Leinart’s decision not to turn pro: “We ladies couldn't help calculating the number of Rodeo Drive stores he could've been hitting up with that type of paycheck.”
On her athletic experience: “One of the last times I played football, I broke my middle finger trying to catch the ball.”
On USC’s fans: “USC fans are hard core. By some teams' standards, you're a faithful fan if you attend a few games a year. That just doesn't cut it here in South Central. We love our football, and missing a game is sacrilegious.”
Dear God, somebody stop them. Erica, I hate to break it to you, but USC isn’t hard-core anything. If nothing else, your constant discussions of shopping and chai lattes proves that. You want hard core? You should have gone to the OSU-Texas game this year. You should go to the Florida-Georgia World’s Largest Cocktail Party. Go to the Auburn-Alabama Iron Bowl. Go to the Washington-Washington State Apple Cup. Go anywhere but USC. But the truth is, you don’t want hard core. You want to believe that the fact you have certain shoes you wear to the game makes you a great fan. And that’s fine. Thousands of people believe bullshit like that.
And that’s where ESPN’s responsibility comes in. ESPN didn’t used to be where those people went. ESPN used to be for sports fans. ESPN used to show sports, and nothing but sports. For Chrissakes, ESPN used to show Australian Rules Football. Return to your roots, ESPN. If you want someone to write about college football, get someone who *gasp* knows college football. If you want someone to write about shopping, send them to WhatChicksDo.com or something. But stop poisoning our well with moronic fluff chicks who only care about what Matt Leinart looks like with his shirt off. Because I’ll tell you what: sportsline.com and SI.com are getting better by the day.
Thank you. I read that ridiculous article on Page 2 a few weeks ago. Some dumb sophomore USC sorostitute rapturously extolling the unparalleled devotion of USC fans whilst talking about how hot Leinart is. As if Page 2 wasn't bad enough with Skip Bayless. Oh how low ESPN has sunk.
j
They've done worse
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 6:45:59 AM
ESPN has done much worse than this column. How about giving Stephan A. Smith his own show and promoting it like crazy. You know the guy earned his street cred playing basketball at the Fashion Institiute of Tech.
BJ Askew
Studmuffin
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 8:36:16 AM
She probably sucked off Al Jaffe to get the writing gig. She even mentions how the 49ers aren't in immediate need of qb, so she obviously knows her NFL well too. Tim Rattay is a an absolute stud who is definately starting nfl caliber qb, it'd take like peyton manning and joe montana to have a love child that would be ready enough in his rookie season to wrestle the starter spot away from his golden arm.
JK
Amen
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 8:42:48 AM
Great article. Espn has gone soft on us in the last couple of years. I have two words for them - Bush League.
Trevor
I KNOW ERICA
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 9:27:12 AM
That girl lives on the same floor as me in my apt. complex. She's so annoying. She thinks shes like "Miss USC" and crap with her stupid school spirit stuff. Last weekend, she came home all drunk and everything with like 5 football players. She decided a gangbang would really show her "Trojan" spirit. They doublestuffed her, she blew another, and skied with the other 2 poles at the same time. What a whore. And 3 of the guys were black! I mean, thats just gross. So I was thinking about maybe having sex with her, but not after the brothers have been up in that shit. She's probably got like Hep C or something now. Oh well. I'll just start fucking Kristin from Laguna Beach some more. Anyway, I just figured I'd share a story with you guys that won't read on page 2. Later!
Erica
That's just not true.
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 9:31:36 AM
And very Un PC. All five were African Americans.
Atlas
Page 2
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 10:19:55 AM
Used to be great. This college bitch sucks, but Skip Bayless has to be the biggest douche in cyberspace or for that matter the planet.
They used to publish good sports related articles, now we get Caples dumb fucking what ifs. The final straw was getting rid of Peter King for some un PC thing he said, THAT WAS COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
Now I read Simmons almost exclusively, always thought he could write some crazy shit for you guys.
DT
USC fans are pussies
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 11:04:29 AM
I was at the 04 Rose bowl when my wolverines got thier shit pussed in big time by the Trojans. USC fans were fully within thier rights to shovel it in our face but instead gave us the "good game. Hey we're all here for the fun of sport, nice day out, wish I had a latte right now." Nicest fans ever. F that, give me the OSU hatred any day!
Nik
watered down ESPN
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 11:50:05 AM
I've been looking for an outlet to vent about ESPN. I agree with everything in this article. To add to griping here's what else they do wrong:
1) Giving Stuart Scott too much TV time. At first it was ok to have someone with "urban" catch phrases doing sports, now it's just horribly annoying. Plus he has 2 shows independent of Sportscenter. I can't watch him anymore.
2) All the Coors Light Six Packs of questions, the Budweiser Hot Seats , or the stupid GMC Diamond Cutters (or something like that). They used to have experts with interesting insights, now it's just opinionated ex-jocks, who regergetate one another's sports rhetoric.
3) I know he's been listed in the in the "50 people who deserve swift cock punch" article, but Steven A. Smith is the worst of the new batch of "sports personalities." He's the Jesse Jackson of sports and sides with the black athletes on everything (see Terrell Owens mess) because of their ethnic similarities with himself. No matter how ridiculous the athletes side of the story will be, he'll side with them probably just for shock value.
I used to love the network, but now I just watch the games and not much else. I feel like the kid that found out that Santa doesn't exist. I feel betrayed by their turn from objective sports casters to opinionated personalities. The NFL morning show on Sundays makes my ears bleed now that Michael Irvin won't shut up. He's so rude that he doesn't even let his colleagues finish their sentences. Why doesn't someone talk to him about that? There's a difference between being passionate about a topic and being obnoxious. How about those little re-enactments that they do on the little football field in the studio? Is there anything educational about those? Nope! Just a bunch of old guys in suits that look horribly uncomfortable on fake turf.
Ok, I'm done!
deuce
excellent article.
()
Post #: 10
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 9/23/2005 12:04:44 PM
"On USC’s fans: “USC fans are hard core. By some teams' standards, you're a faithful fan if you attend a few games a year. That just doesn't cut it here in South Central. We love our football, and missing a game is sacrilegious.”
she really said that?? i went to a fuckin-ass d3 school that had more devoted fans than USC.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
