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Light Heavyweights Cock Fighting
A funny thing happened on the way to the heavyweight division- Roy Jones Jr. pussed out and never fucking became one, at least not a real one. Another funny thing happened on the way to becoming Roy Jones Jr.- Antonio Tarver never became him, at least not yet. With the big rubber match coming up this weekend on HBO PPV, I figured I would take a look back at the rivalry the two have established and set some of those famous Phat Phree lines that will make the fight more enjoyable, like…
·Over-under on number of times Larry Merchant will put his foot in his mouth by mentioning a fighter who got killed in the ring, and then making a light hearted joke about a boxing match being "a matter of life or death". Over 2 is the heavy favorite here.
·Over-under on how many rounds Harold Lederman will score like he was watching a different fight on Showtime instead of the one in front of him. The line is at 6, but I’d have to say Ledderman might come in right around 5 this time, so I’d take the under.
·Over-under on the number of times any boxer on the card will thank God or Allah before he answers the actual question that was posed to him in the post-fight interview.
·50/50 straight odds on whether Tarver is secretly related to Bill “You know you done fucked up right” Duke.
·Over-under or how many times Roy Jones will do some type of interpretive dance move that resembles a fighting rooster before throwing a left hook. The line is at 3, but I’m betting around six.
So why does anyone care about two fighters who have both recently lost to former light heavyweight champ Glen Johnson, two fighters who are both sporting three losses, two fighters who didn’t win gold in the Olympics, two fighters who are not in the heavyweight division, two fighters who have both spent time foolishly attempting other sports besides boxing, and two fighters who are not the big-time box office draw that they should have been? Simple; because bloodthirsty fight fans want to see these cocky pricks pummel the living shit out each other. Fuck the 'sweet science'! Even in light of last weeks tragic boxing death of Leavander Johnson, people still want to see to world-class pugilists duke it out, literally.
Bill Duke's Twin?
For years, Roy Jones Jr. (49-3, 38 KOs) was regarded by many as the “pound for pound” best fighter in the world. Though most of those “many” were HBO commentators or people from Jones's camp, one cannot deny that he was a pretty darn good fighter, or at least looked like one most days. But who the hell was he fighting? David Telesco, Rick Frazier, Lou Del Valle? Mostly it was a bunch of journeyman fighters who, not unlike himself, knew they couldn’t make it as real heavyweights, so they stuck it out as light heavyweights, a weight class typically reserved for good fighters trying to build themselves up to become real heavyweights but without the success Evander Hollyfield had coming up from the cruiserweight division. Jones probably should have been regarded as a villain throughout his career but instead, due to his controversial second-place finish to the hometown Korean in the '88 Seoul Olympics, he has always been a bit of a hero to most fight fans. I’m here to tell you that a guy who received his first big pro loss by beating the shit out of a guy who was already on the ground is not a 'good guy' by any stretch of the imagination.
So why was the world’s pound-for-pound best fighting a potato sack like Montel Griffin in the first place? Simple; because he could. Logic will tell you that ten easy fights pay just as well as one tough fight. But that regimen certainly does not secure one’s legacy. In fact, eventually even the other commentators on HBO began to criticize how Jones was ducking any real competition. He hadn’t had a real fight since moving out of the highly competitive middleweight division. So in an unsurprising move, he waited until the biggest chump possible had a heavy weight title that he could try to take. So what if he gave up 30 pounds to WBA heavyweight champ John Ruiz? Ruiz was a putz who could have only beaten Jones if Roy had somehow forgotten how to move left all of sudden. After a ten million-plus payday, a heavyweight title and having already avenged his one controversial loss, all Jones had to do in his mind was cruise through a couple more light heavyweight chumps and retire as a four-division champ and one of the unchallenged best of his generation of fighters. That was a darn fine plan, until he met up with Antonio Tarver in the ring.
Antonio Tarver (23-3, 18 KOs) had literally been trying to follow in Jones footsteps, with very little success. Both being from Florida and having successful amateur careers made them almost natural opponents from the start. After seeing Jones’s bizarre second-place Olympic triumph, Tarver tried his hand at Olympic fame, with a disappointing Bronze finish. After turning pro a bit late in his career Tarver, though consistently winning in dramatic fashion, went virtually unnoticed for years. Until he did the smartest thing a fighter can do besides spelling his own name right; he pulled Roy Jones Jr.’s bitch card.
At the post-fight press conference for the Jones vs. Ruiz fight, Tarver asked the right question: if Jones was so damn good, why was he ducking a nobody like Tarver? All Tarver wanted was a shot. Apparently all the press had gone to Jones's head, because he thought after years of fights that were basically over-glorified sparring exhibitions that he could make quick work of the bald-headed bum who was calling him out. Personally, I had my money on Tarver to take the decision, and I should’ve won, too. Tarver slapped Roy around the ring like a little girl in a bull fight for the majority of the rounds when they met at Mandalay Bay on November 8, 2003. In fact, at the end of the fight, everyone watching was positive Tarver had won. It even appeared that Jones thought so by the way he was hanging his head, but in man’s most uncorrupted sport anything is possible, and Jones won the controversial majority decision.
After the fight Jones’ camp made excuses about having to make weight back down from the heavyweight division being the reason for Jones’s lackluster performance but again, Tarver had Jones’s bitch card. If Jones was not properly conditioned to look good winning, then he should fight Tarver again and prove that he really was pound-for-pound the best. The fight was set. When the ref asked the fighters if either had any questions about his instructions, Tarver looked Jones in the eye and asked him what his excuse would be this time. Apparently Jones had no excuses, because Tarver braced Jones’s mandible right on the bull’s-eye in the second round, and Jones couldn’t get up before the ten count. Somehow I had foolishly put my loot on Tarver to sit Jones down before the sixth round, and was well rewarded for my drunken and impetuous betting. I ate steak for a long time after that one.
Is That a Rooster Up Your Ass?
So why after betting on Tarver in the two previous fights am I now going to lay the line in Jones's favor, in spite of his rumored "wrist injury" that manifested itself in a basketball game last weekend? Well, after the loss to Tarver, Jones immediately fought again, trying to regain a crown from Glen Johnson, and lost in a 9th round KO. This prompted one very big change in the Jones camp; the return of his sadistic father, Roy Jones Sr.
Sr. probably deserves all the credit for Jones’ early boxing success from having trained him with bizarre techniques that are reminiscent of the lotion-in-the-basket girl from Silence Of The Lambs. Jones Sr. had left his son's camp after Jr. almost killed his pa, when he returned home to find out that his dad had repeatedly shot his favorite dog with two different guns after it had bitten someone. Shortly after his dad’s departure from the camp was when Jones began his ridiculous ego trip and ducking of credible opponents. Unlike the rest of the Jones’s camp that just wanted to make money and protect the fighter, Jones Sr. is a sick fuck who raised his boy in the hillbilly world of cock fighting, and lives to see his prize rosters whoop some ass, even at the cost of their lives. Now, with father and son back together I wouldn’t be surprised if Jones was training by jump six feet in the air trying to pull a raw steak off a rope with his teeth the way they train attack dogs. Roy Jones Sr has no doubt turned his best prize fighting cock, Roy Jr., back into the animalistic fighting machine he once was, in one last attempt to solidify his status as a truly great fighter.
This time Jones actually has something to lose; his pride, his dignity, and any remaining chance at a legacy of being one of the sport's best. Tarver may want to win, but where Jones will show up with the spirit of a fighting rooster, Tarver will show up this time looking more like a chickenhead. My prediction: Jones wins this fight in a close 12-round unanimous decision.
you're wrong on the Jones - Glen Johnson fight though. Jones was KO'd by Johnson. I'm still picking him against Tarver though. He's got nothing to lose, making him pretty dangerous in my book.
Atlas
Informed
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Posted: 9/27/2005 11:04:30 AM
I like it maybe I will toss some money into this one, this sport is so corrupt though I dont trust decisions anymore.
Hmmmm
well
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Posted: 9/27/2005 11:24:44 AM
I guess If I gave a shit about boxing, I'd like this article.
The Kid
What the?
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Posted: 9/27/2005 11:45:50 AM
Since when did the Phat Phree get so un-funny, and boring?
KingKorny
Good Stuff
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Posted: 9/27/2005 11:53:54 AM
First part of article was funny too bad I totally disagree. Tarver will beat the crap out of Jones.
JD Whittier
Menace to
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Posted: 9/27/2005 12:23:37 PM
I laughed my ass off at Tarver looking like Bill Duke. That is funny as hell. Who cares if this is super funny, at least in the sports articles on the Phat Phree they can say some things that major media sports writers can't say. This is the only sports article I've seen that calls Larry Merchant out on his awful "life and death" comments after he had just spewed a forced dramatic dialogue about Lavander dying. I thought this was a good read and very accurate.
donny
terrible
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Posted: 9/27/2005 12:58:35 PM
it's obvious the author of this is defending this under a different name. nice try buddy, just accept it wasn't that great and write another one.
John Peralta
So So
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Posted: 9/27/2005 12:58:54 PM
Not very funny, but I actually want to see this fight now and I'm going to go in with a few friends for the PPV. Thanks for the good write up. Funny = 2 Good Sports Writing = 5 Overall = 3.5 I think Roy Jones might pull this one out too. Plus as everyone has mentioned this sport is totally corrupt, so if Jones can make it to the end I think crooked judges will give him the win just because it is good for boxing.
Jus
Editor's Note
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Posted: 9/27/2005 1:16:52 PM
Donny, first off if you know anything about me or this website, you'll know I don't hide. I will gladly put my own name on anything I do here. I also have absolutely no problem with you or anyone else disliking the article. Opinions about what people like and don't like have continually made this site better. This topic was what I wanted to write about yesterday, so I did, but was not a very funny subject in general. I did a very similar piece in the past, but I used up alot of boxing jokes in that one and had no desire to repeat material I had already used so I kept this a pretty straight up boxing piece.
Just so all of you readers know, we do try to keep the site as funny as possible, but we will run articles that are insiteful or subtle from time to time as well. In fact this latest incarnation of the Phat Phree was born from Jesse Lamovsky's sport blog, Sports and Wine, and then combined with what we used to do in the old print version of the Phat Phree. The sports stuff was always intened to be 50% comedy and 50% sports writing. I'll be the first to admit my comedy probably fell just shy of the 10% mark on this one. Good news is, it's a daily website, so there'll be plenty of opportunities for me to beef up the gags for you next time.
Also, first commenter was correct about Jones vs. Johnson. Jones was KO'd in the 9th in that fight. Tarver vs Johnson was the 12 round decision. It was corrected in the article. Nice catch.
Jeff
babies...all of you
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Posted: 9/27/2005 2:06:25 PM
I don't know what expectations all of you have...but I'm guessing most of you are just drooling morons. But this was a funny article...take it for what it is, good writing...and go and vomit your "thoughts" somewhere else. Like an Olsen twins forum, I'm sure most of you are on the same mental capacity as that crowd.
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