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Me (I wish!)
As a youngster, I was a damn good pitcher. I never once played in a league where I didn't make an All Star game. And if you want to say I only made the All Star game because my dad was the coach, well, my dad was kicked out of the majority of my Little League games because he was drunk off of Crystal Lite and Vodka. So there.
However, there are three things which kept me from pitching in the Major Leagues:
1. I went to the wrong high school.
1994. The summer after my Eighth Grade year I played Pony League for the Peoria Notre Dame High School team. Fuck, I was 13 years old and Catholic...how could I not play for a Notre Dame team?
My team went on to win the Peoria City League Championship (not to brag, but the winning run was scored on a fielder's choice hit by yours truly). After the game, the coach from Peoria High School talked to me and told me that I would be his #2 Varsity starter next season if I decided to go to Peoria High in the fall (by the way, at the time I had never seen The Program and knew little about shady recruitment policies or about James Caan.)
Instead of committing to go to Peoria High that evening, I went to Monical's Pizza and ate my own weight in pepperoni and cheese.
Yes, I was a rather chubby 13-year old. And, yes, I definitely did not kiss a girl that evening. Thank you.
2. I was good, but I wasn't left handed.
Honestly, I was pretty effing good. If a few tough breaks would have gone my way, I'd be pitching for the Saint Louis Cardinals this post season.
I remember my Freshman year in High School quite well. I was the Bob Tewksbury of Peoria, IL Junior Varsity Baseball, circa 1995. Nobody scored on me. Nobody. I ended the season with a 0.00 ERA. Also, I struck out a batter per inning. 9 K's per 9 IP's. Yeah, ladies, I was that good.
Since I had a late birthday for my class, I was allowed to play in Peoria's "Pony League" after my Freshman year of High School. Yeah, I might have been playing against a bunch of 13-year olds, and throwing from only 45 feet away, but my 68 Mile per Hour fastball made all of those little pansies wet themselves. Yeah, I was that good.
However, going into my sophomore year, there were six right-handed pitchers vieing for four starting pitchers spots. Two of the six were obviously better than the other four. That left Mike Broadhurst, Tim Arnett, Mike Lervaag , and myself (all right handers) to battle it out for the two final pitching spots. Once I realized that I was in no way more talented than any of the other pitchers I was competing against, I decided that I would have to exude more spunk to really show my spirit to the coaching staff. The next day, after rededicating myself to be a "leader" and a "team player" I was the first to hop inside of the batting practice cage. All guts and glory, I was.
My Best Friend
"Hey Fritz, watch out, 'cause I'm not sure where this first one is a going," yelled Coach Cundiff, from behind the pitching machine.
"Bring it, coach," I said, full of piss and vinegar.
Two seconds later I followed that manly quote up with "Ohhhhhh....." Yeah, that's right...I had been hit with an 85 mile-per-hour curve. In fact, it hit me directly in the knee cap. While I was lying on the ground, withering in pain from a displaced patella, it dawned on me, "If I was left-handed, I wouldn't even have to try out for a roster spot. I wish I was left handed. Also, someday I hope to get one of those 'blow jobs' that all of the seniors have been talking about. They sound sweeeeet."
3. I forgot to learn how to throw faster than 68 miles-per-hour.
I had some nasty shit, man. Two-seamer. Four-seamer. Curve. Change. Knuckle Curve. Splitter.
You name the pitch and I can at least recreate the grip for the pitch, let alone throw it for a strike.
But a funny thing happened between throwing 278 pitches a day to my best friend "pitch back" and being open-handed slapped by my father when I was off by a quarter inch over the plate with my curve ball (in his defense, again, he was drunk.) Unfortunately, my arm strength never actually developed after I was 15 years old.
I really don't know what I could have done differently, but I still throw a tennis ball at least 150 times a day against my neighbors garage, hoping to be discovered by a scout and have a second career like Dennis Quaid did after he gave up acting to pitch for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
I wouldn't be surprised if I make the Majors some day. Sure, that Community College scholarship fell through, but this is baseball man...where dreams are made. Field of dreams, baby.
My Hero
In the meantime, you can find me at your local sports bar. I'll be bellied up to the bar, telling my girlfriend about the no hitter I threw in high school for the thirty-first time in nine months and second guessing whichever third base coach happens to be on TV.
Cheers.
(Editor's note - Although his stats were correct, it bears mentioning that Alex only pitched one inning in his High School Career. Also, he graduated as a virgin.)
It's James Caan, not James Cann, you ungrateful faggot.
sigh
sorry tribe fans
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Posted: 10/3/2005 9:45:02 AM
but nice collapse...way to get swept by a team that already made the playoffs............
soccerstar
i was a non-star star.
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Posted: 10/3/2005 10:34:40 AM
I was the best soccer player prior to high school, but my tallent somewhat thined out as the years went on.
i lived on my previous glory (breaking state scoring records, winning tourney's singlehandedly on shitty teams, getting university offers), but skill began to fade quick as boys turned to men....until i was the shittiest player my senior year.
However, come the final game for the state championship, i happned to be in the right place at the right time (and luckily, wasn't benched...as was the case the previous 5 games) in overtime, to win the freakin' thing for my school. glory ensued...as did premium university offers.
i went on a full ride (only playing one full season before i was officiallly cut)...and got an actuall degree for free.
now i fuck a hot girlfriend, hang with cool friends, and practice architecture for a living. bo-yah!
HOLDMYJOCK
Soccer is for pussies!
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Posted: 10/3/2005 10:48:37 AM
Too bad soccer is for pussies! and if by hot you mean 250 lbs and bearing a third nipple, then yes you do fuck a hot girlfriend!
STEVE
YOUR A LOSER
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Posted: 10/3/2005 11:14:03 AM
Alex, Your a pretty ugly dude. I doubt you get much pussy and that must suck for you. I've heard losers like you talk about Little League and such nonsense from 15 years ago. Your fuckin pathetic. Go join a fuckin softball team or something, but please spare the rest of us from hearing about your only notable achievement in life. I also suggest a guy with your looks acquire a well-paying job so you can at least pay for pussy.
deuce
alex..
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Posted: 10/3/2005 11:29:33 AM
don't you wish ALL of your readers missed the joke?
funny read.. thanks.
Brian
Soccer star
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Posted: 10/3/2005 12:18:26 PM
Playing soccer rates right there with going to Band camp. Come on all you scooer playing tuba blowing sissies. Quit trying to act like you were a sports star.
Soccer players get them nice HOT chicks.......250 pounds of real meat.
matt
Legend
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Posted: 10/3/2005 12:57:02 PM
Organized school sports are for pussies. It is the street sports the ones that don't have a team or a uniforms, or a fucking cheerleading squad (though they should) that are worth mentioning. Me, Newport News's premier Tiddily Winks champ. I would roll into school pockets bulging of ones and fins from all the punks I hustled. I could flip one of the plastic chips into a fucking thimble from across the street. So go ahead and have your baseball, soccer and football. Why you are going all out for some school spirit, the rest of us real men will be hopscothing, scooping jacks, and tiddily winking our asses to immortal street cred. I'm out!
Dorf
Soccer Groupies
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Posted: 10/3/2005 1:04:18 PM
Everywhere else in the world, soccer players get the hottest chicks. I have no point, just wanted to make sure we're all aware of this indisputable fact.
That tiddly-winks comment was great. This article? Not so much. Just kinda boring. Actually, I don't think I've read a good article on this site in quite some time. I don't remember the last time it made me laugh out loud at my desk. Maybe I should stick to reading when I'm at home and stoned, rather than bored at work. Then again, I shouldn't have to change my routine to make this site funny. This site should change so that my day at work is better. This is bullshit.
Dorf
i stand corrected
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Posted: 10/3/2005 1:10:19 PM
The Price Is Right article in the Entertainment section is really good.
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