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Cage's Vision of his new son
NEW YORK- Nicolas Cage and his wife Alice Kim Cage are the proud parents of Superman. “Make no mistake about it” says Cage. Their seven-and-a-half pound, eight-and-one-quarter inch baby boy named Kal-el Coppola Cage is indeed the fabled Superman of legend.
Many dismissed the announcement as another celebrity gaining momentary notoriety by giving their child an odd or eccentric name, as was the case last year with actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, who named their first child “Apple” and immediately announced follow-up plans to name their next child either “Banana Bread” or “End Table”. Cage was eager to dispel any allegations that their newborn son’s name was anything but genuine, and further maintained the authenticity of his newborn son’s "Super" identity.
“He’s fricken Superman!”, Cage said as he exited Mary Mount Hospital in New York City with his wife and newborn son early Wednesday morning. “Watch him bend this iron bar in half!”, Cage said as he dropped a four-foot iron bar into his son's stroller, knocking it over completely as his wife grimaced with fear.
Alice Kim Cage was clearly not as excited about the prospect of her “Super” son, and several times asked husband Nick to “Cut it out” and “Stop throwing the baby around”, as Cage repeatedly tried to make his son fly by throwing him up in the air over the hospital parking garage. “One more try and I bet he can clear the goddamn Chrysler building… Oh, I mean the LexCorp Tower. He’d clear LexCorp Tower. That’s what I meant.” Cage then tried several more times to get his son airborne and, luckily for him, his wife was able to catch his screaming son as he fell back towards the parking garage roof. “Oh well! He’s new so he hasn’t quite figured out what his purpose is just yet. He’ll be flying soon enough. Watch the first Superman. It’s all in there. I can’t wait for him to grow up.”
The Proud New Parents
Cage said the future “looked very bright” for young Kal-el as he detailed what kind of childhood he expected his son to have. “Well we are going to be moving to Smallville, Kansas. And that’s where we’ll raise him.” “He means Wichita”, his wife was quick to point out. “There is no such place as Smallville Kansas. We’re moving to Wichita” she continued, holding back tears as she was visibly shaken by Cage, who continually shook his head each time his wife would correct him. “Martha! I said Smallville and that’s where we will be living!” Cage finished angrily.
Mrs. Cage continued to answer a few more questions about their son as Cage placed the baby under a cab, and then had to restrain his panicked wife as he anxiously waited for his son to pick up the cab. “Wait for it!” Cage said. “Get him out of there!” Alice Kim screamed. “Give him a second Martha!” Cage replied. “My name is not Martha!” she continued. Alice Kim was unable to escape his clutch. “I know he’s going to lift it. He knows he can!” Nick continued. Ultimately their son continued to sit there and cry and was finally rescued by the driver of the cab, Anthony Leone, who wasn’t sure exactly what was going on and summoned the authorities.
“I see this guy yelling at me to stop.” says Leone. “So, I’m thinking it’s another fare and I pulled over and den I’m like 'Oh! No shit. Nicholas Cage. All right!' Den he starts telling me that he needed to go to “The Daily Planet”, and that I should take da Clinton Bridge and all this other made-up shit. And I’m like “What fuck are you talking about, buddy?”. But before I even could finish what I was saying, this joker goes and plops his kid down under my oil pan. His old lady starts screaming and then he starts freaking everybody out! The guy’s outta his fucking mind! No wonder Con Air Sucked ass!”
Cage wasn’t deterred in his many failed attempts to display the supernatural powers of his newborn son but it wasn’t until he drew a pistol that authorities had to intervene. “He’s bullet-proof!” Cage screamed as he was wrestled to the ground. While grappling with the two responding police officers Cage managed to produce a large glowing green crystal and hurl it into the Hudson River. He seemed thoroughly disappointed, noting that he was trying to build the Fortress of Solitude. Nothing happened upon the crystal splashing into the water and police, not sure what the object was, stood by as Cage insisted they wait. “It’s working. I know it is! Jor –el!! Come to me!!!” He was then lead away by police and charged with aggravated child endangerment and littering.
good take.. plus a clever supplement to majors' article today...
Steve K
Cage is Crazy
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:49:14 AM
And this was crazy funny. Good stuff.
Atlas
Me likes
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:57:25 AM
That crazy meth head.
matt
Funny
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Posted: 10/6/2005 12:25:15 PM
Good piece, thanks for the laughs. I sthere a Bizzaro baby?
HMK
Why
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Posted: 10/6/2005 12:43:28 PM
What the hell is wrong with these people, I felt sorry for the kids in school with names like Peter, Dick, Guy, Harry, etc. Why would you name your child Apple, Audio Science or Kal-el? The kid is already going to have to explain why his father is such a strange cookie, now he has to explain that he's not really superman and no he does not want to meet in the feild at 4:00 to prove it.
derry
ahh..
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Posted: 10/6/2005 1:05:02 PM
I kinda wish this story was true because any physical or mental illness the baby developed from being tossed in the air will decrease the chances of "kal-el" making suck-ass movies like his dad.
Stu
Asswipe prounounced Ass-Weepay
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Posted: 10/6/2005 1:07:09 PM
You know what's funny, he did a skit on SNL talking about how ridiculous some names where when naming his baby, and how the kid would get his ass kicked. F'n idiot
Mike S
HA
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Posted: 10/6/2005 1:51:50 PM
Stu, I just remembered that. That's hilarious. That was actually a hilarious Skit.
"Freddy? Fat freddy, Hey Freddy, why don't you come here and I'l KICK YOUR ASS!!"
Apparently he thinks rich kids are immune to abuse.
Dave
SNL Skit
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Posted: 10/6/2005 2:28:33 PM
The most bizarre/hilarious one was "Benjamin? Hey, Benjamin Harrison -- how's that tariff of 1890? Montana a state yet?!?!"
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