 The "I Can't Believe She Snuck a Finger Up My Butt" Orgasm Face
Oh yeah, you've made this face before, haven't you? You were anally violated in some fashion by your proctology-aspiring partner, yet somehow you still came. This orgasm face of perplexion reflects a man grappling with three questions simultaneously:
1. Did she really just do that to me?
2. Did I really come AFTER she did that to me?
And most importantly�
3. Am I gay because I kinda liked it?
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 The "Oh, Shit, the Condom Broke" Orgasm Face
It's amazing how fast a man crashes back to planet reality when this happens. You're cruising along at 35,000 feet in a state of heavenly bliss. So all-encompassing, in fact, that you don't even realize it's suddenly a helluva lot more sensitive down there. You're wondering why? Because now you're bare-backing it, YOU HUGE FUCKING IDIOT.
Tell Louise at Planned Parenthood I said hello. She'll take good care of ya.
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 The "I'm Trying So Hard Not to Come Too Fast" Orgasm Face
Yep, we've all tried to stop the inevitable. I've gone to desperate lengths upon realizing I was about to fall short of the pathetic two minute barrier. Visuals have included picturing my manhood on the guillotine block or my balls being rubbed furiously against a cheese grater. (Sorry fellas, I know it pained you greatly to read that.) All to no avail. Once the tide builds, there's no turning it back. Just make sure you're ready to go again in about thirty seconds, or she'll never speak to you again.
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 The "Sensitive Man Crying During Orgasm" Orgasm Face
If a man cries during sex for any reason other than a reckless woman bouncing on his johnson and turning it into a T-square, he's a fucking loser.
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 The "I'm Shitting My Pants This is So Intense" Orgasm Face
Ahh yes, the knee buckling-toe curler. The really intense ones are often inexplicable and usually catch you off-guard, which explains why this orgasm face is so special and treasured. It's typically accompanied by high-pitched huffing and puffing that could be confused by safari veterans as a hyena's mating call.
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 The "You're Just Another Notch On My Bedpost" Orgasm Face
This orgasm face is worn by the ultra-cocky alpha male who sleeps with his unsuspecting prey purely for the conquest. By the time the woman recognizes this face for what it is, it's too late and by then she's just another scalp hanging in his tee pee.
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 The "Oh My God I Just Dominated You" Orgasm Face
This face involuntarily comes over the frat boy who gets laid once every three semesters. You don't get to see it for very long because he'll be sprinting out of the room to go tell his "brothers" about it. If you're a woman and happen to recognize this face, congrats, you're sleeping with one of the most insecure tools on the planet. You're either very unattractive or have no self-respect. I'm guessing it's a combination of both.
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 The "I Can't Believe She Just Let Me Do That to Her" Orgasm Face
You dirty, dirty man. Hey pal, if she just did that with you, trust me, she's most likely done it with someone else before. And that someone was much dirtier. Good luck with that and the subsequent blood test. Sober yet?
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 The "I'm Scared My Wife Will Find Out I'm a Cheater" Orgasm Face
Cheater's remorse sets in quickly, doesn't it? The change in a Cheater's demeanor from pre- to post-orgasm is striking. The Pre-Orgasm Cheater is smooth, confident, determined and a panty-dropping charmer. While the Post-Orgasm Cheater is introverted, introspective, jittery and moody.
Personally, I feel badly for all the Cheatresses out there. They're forced to deal with this awkward dichotomy during the three minutes of post coital awkwardness before the Cheater flees the crime scene.
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 The "People Said I Would Never Get Laid and I Proved Them Wrong" Orgasm Face
(Insert picture of any nerd made famous by SNL here.)
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 The "I'm So Old I Can't Believe I Can Still Do This" Orgasm Face
There's no stopping science I tell ya. There's a pill for almost anything these days. Just watch out for your ticker, old fella. Although, I can think of no better way to take an unscheduled dirt nap than having your heart explode while taking the skin boat to tuna town. It's better than passing away in your sleep.
Yeah, yeah, it's probably traumatic for the woman. Whatever. She'll be banging someone she met at the funeral.
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 The "I'm So Excited to be Getting Laid" Orgasm Face
Seen annually in roadside motels on prom nights all across the nation.
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 The "I Really Can't Imagine Ever Getting Laid Again" Orgasm Face
Why can't you just cherish the moment? Quit thinking ahead. You should be enjoying this while it lasts. It's taken a few decades to get to this point and it could be another few before the next one. Have a little fun for Christ's sake.
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 The "I Wish It Was Bigger So I Could Feel Something" Orgasm Face
So her previous boyfriend was packing a can of Lysol down there - that's not her fault. So you feel as if you could throw a loaf of bread in there with ya - big deal. Blame your dad, and his dad, and so on. It's genetics, baby. Besides, she doesn't care about size. She loves you. And that's all that matters.
Hee hee. Loser.
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 The "Yeeee Haaaa!! This is the Best Sex Ever" Orgasm Face
You could be lying naked on a bed of burning embers and have no fucking idea that your flesh was cooking. Top five symptoms accompanying this orgasm face:
1. Total cognitive failure and the stoppage of time.
2. Drool trickling out of the corner of your mouth and down your chin.
3. Epileptic seizure-like body convulsions.
4. Severe muscle cramping in the hamstrings and abdominal region.
5. Eyeballs spinning like slot machines.
Also receiving votes: a surge of random screaming and cursing that would make a Tourette's sufferer uncomfortable
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 The "I'm Such a Bad Lover and I Know It" Orgasm Face
It's not you, it's her.
HEH. Sure it is. So she's filing her nails while you're laying into her like a runaway locomotive. Who cares? You're still getting off, aren't you? Sure, she probably cheats on you all the time, and on the rare occasion she does let you touch her, it's either out of pity or because she needs money for another boob job. She's a trophy wife. You knew this was the deal when your attorney made her sign the two hundred page pre-nup.
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 The "I Get Laid So Much That I�m Actually Sick of Sex" Orgasm Face
Seen on rock stars, athletes and movie stars' faces all across the country. In that exact pecking order. This orgasm face is the result of having procured so much ass that the thought of getting laid makes you yawn with indifference. I can think of no worse state of affairs. But getting to that point would be one sick fucking ride (pun absolutely intended again).
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