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The Raven Haired Beauty Ponders
Given the fact that this website reaches a wide array of people, I thought that I would take this unique opportunity to write an open letter to my favorite Adult Movie star, Stephanie Swift, and wish her a very happy birthday. (February 7th)
My Dearest Stephanie Swift,
Happy Birthday, my sweet! I feel a longing to be with you and to share with you all the joy that comes with your birthday. But, alas, I know that I cannot, as I am merely an admirer from afar. It is my deepest desire that that you be surrounded by friends and loved ones as you celebrate this very special day and I also harbor a deep desire to fuck your brains out on the hood of my Honda Civic, but I regress.
You are truly a creature of beauty and delight and I hope this day serves you well. That is my wish for you, my darling Stephanie, for you to feel the love and warmth of friends as you revel in the celebration of your birthday. And maybe, later on, you could also feel the warmth of my cock sliding in and out of your cooch. That is my second wish for you. Also it is a wish for me. But I am sure that you would enjoy it too. So I say that it is my second wish, as I apt not be so selfish with one as lovely as you. Besides, more than likely, it would only take 30 minutes… tops (40 if I stretch). Absolutely a secondary wish my darling.
William Shakespeare said “With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come”, and I hope that there is much mirth and much laughter for you on this very special day. Also I hope there is a threeway with you, Janine, and that lovely woman you stared with in “Anal Ease: The Movie”. I believe her name was Betty Humpter. But I could be mistaken. I must confess that I spent most of the time captivated by your beautiful eyes, your warm smile and your dynamite ass. I also could only watch this film for 15 minutes at a time. Your mere presence drains me so!
My Sweet Sweet Stephanie
It will truly be a most wonderful day for you, dearest Stephanie. So what do you say we meet at the Ambassador Motel on Lincoln Avenue? Tis a day for giving and I’d like to give you a present. It is a meager token of my affection, but very special to me. It is a glass figurine of a small girl on a hill. It is very reminiscent of your favorite character from literature, “Hillary”. I know how special that is to you. I’d also like to give you the “Rogering” of a lifetime. Especially if you wore that cat outfit you had on in the Laundromat scene in “Pussy Cats Fucking 35”. Room 15 has the best sheets, by the way.
Oh my sweet birthday angel, I know you and I have never met, but it concerns me not. I’ve been an admirer of yours for years now. In my own way I feel like I know you all too well. And that is why I can speak of you so fondly. I wish the very best for you and I’d also like to see you at the end of my bean pole. But please don’t stick your thumb up my butt like you did to that guy in “Cum My Lady 54”. If that is your birthday wish thought, by all means. My butt is yours for the thumbing.
I must know, my sweet, what it is that you want for your birthday. Surly a woman of your stature has gentleman callers traversing the globe for the perfect tribute to you. In my own way I wished there was a way I could win your heart by fetching you what it is your heart truly desired. Also how much is it for the second half hour. I don’t have to stretch if you think it would save me an extra grand, and I always wrap my meat.
If Only I Could Embrace you from Behind
So my dear Stephanie let me close this letter to you by saying that I not only love you, but I love the world simply because you’re in it. I also love that thing you do where you choke guys when you fuck them.
I was totally into watching Emmanuelle vs. Dracula on HBO Zone until I read this and then I realized no soft core could quite compare to the pure delight of Stephanie in her prime. Thanks Jim! You reminded me why I keep that old VCR in the basement! Happy B-Day Ms Swift.
K.W.
FANTASTIC
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Posted: 1/24/2006 8:33:43 AM
People don't use that word enough anymore.
Like: This article was fucking FANTASTIC. Hard to read cause the damn pictures kept pulling my eyes away from the words. Which is also fantastic.
kayvon
nice
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Posted: 1/24/2006 9:17:29 AM
Say what you will about Fath's shortcomings, that last paragraph's pretty fecking funny. Good show.
Atlas
You got me at the end
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Posted: 1/24/2006 9:57:51 AM
"I also love that thing you do where you choke guys when you fuck them." That line had me rolling.
the Delphi critique
Wow
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Post #: 6
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Posted: 1/24/2006 9:57:53 AM
TPP's first laugh out loud funny article of the year. Nice work.
Oh, and Matt, you're supposed to look at the chicks in the porno, not the schlong
Patrick
Nice
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Posted: 1/24/2006 10:06:44 AM
It's nice to have a starlet you can call your own. Let the others get in line to tear it up to Jenna, while you spend quality time with that special B-skank who has that accessible look about her. Mine? Well, if she wasn't such a full-on dirtbag with the spitting-in-the-face and whatnot, it would be Chloe: real boobs, such as they are, reddish hair, and a raspy voice. You could almost picture meeting her at a dive and taking her home for craven rottenness. But no, I think I'll go with Tia Bella.
Brenda Della Casa
Great Piece
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Posted: 1/24/2006 11:23:34 AM
But we all know Janine is hotter.
Atlas
Brenda
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Posted: 1/24/2006 12:11:52 PM
Your knowledge of porn is very endearing. If you want to write a kick ass article that would make Molly commit hari kari I say you explore this topic further.
The GZA
Original
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 1/24/2006 12:17:18 PM
Good job on this Fath. Original idea, that would speak to the masses, and was funny as well. Agree with Atlas that last line was a classic.
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