Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
A Life Tucked Short
Bradenton FL: In an act of extreme barbarism, Subway pitchman, and former Fat Ass turned minor celebrity Jared Fogle, has been arrested in connection with the death of 1 year old Bob Dassi AKA “That Fucking Obnoxious Talking Quiznos Baby” in Bradenton Florida.
Witnesses on the scene report that Jared, who was making an official appearance in the food court of Bradenton Mall celebrating the opening of a Subway restaurant counter, was addressing a crowd when the Quiznos Baby began making disparaging remarks about Fogle looking like a gay Herman Munster from a nearby Baby Gap. It was also learned that, at the time, the Quiznos Baby had a blood alcohol level of .3.
Although The Quiznos Baby had several handlers, none were able to keep the drunken star under control. It was only later, when he staggered out of the store spewing obscenities and hurling overrated toasted sandwiches into the crowd, that things began to get out of control.
“Jared was introducing the manager of the new Subway and everyone was applauding when all of a sudden I hear this deep gravelly voice yell “Fuck that asshole! Fuck him in his fat ass!” reported Fred Wade, the on-duty mall security guard. “At first I was looking for some fat asshole. I mean that’s what I thought it sounded like but then I realized that it was coming from the Quiznos Baby.” The same Baby Wade had been called to remove from Hoolihan’s Bar and Grill earlier in the day where the Quiznos baby allegedly groped a waitress and skipped out on a seventy five dollar bar tab.
Many on lookers thought Fogle initially handled himself well seemingly ignoring the onslaught of profanity from the one year old. Things, however, turned ugly when Fogle turned his back to the audience to cut the ceremonial ribbon with a pair of giant novelty scissors who’s blades were made to look like sub sandwiches when he was struck with a stray meatball.
“Fogle went off on him man!” said Todd Kendlebaum, manager of “Higher Ground” an herbal inhaler store adjacent to the ensuing melee. “He (Fogle) kept yelling shit out into the crowd. Calling that Baby a fat fuck with a CGI face. Somebody tried to calm him down with a foot long BMT on parmesan bread but he just kept yelling. And that Quiznos baby didn’t like it one bit either. Next thing you know a beer bottle comes flying out at Jared and he goes absolutely ape shit! Well…” reflected Kendlebaum “As ape shit as that wiry Jared guy can get. What’s he weigh? A buck nine? ” Jared allegedly leapt off the stage into the crowd towards The Quiznos Baby falling several yards short and landing on an oversized Gumball machine sending it toppling over, cracking its glass, and hurling hundreds of gumballs in every direction. Fogle then landed in a photo booth occupied with local teens who Fogle bounced off of. He and the Quiznos baby continued to exchange words until the baby apparently grabbed Fogle in a headlock for several minutes.
A Defiant Jared Fogle
“Jared was getting his ass kicked by that baby” reported shopper Katie Rich. “I’ve never seen anything like it. A full grown man getting his ass handed to him by a talking baby”.
It wasn’t until Fogle faked being a hemophilic that the baby let him go and that’s when, according to spectator Josh Vogel, Jared grabbed a nearby shopper’s Radio Shack bag and put it over the baby’s head.
“Jared hurled the baby, bag and all, into the fountain. Some people tried to go help the baby but they were held back by others who were hurling chairs at them. I guess a lot of people are sick of that gravelly voice fucker.” Said Vogel seemingly unfazed by the baby’s death.
The baby was pronounced dead on the scene by arriving paramedics. Since the baby was littered with debris (benches, ash tray gravel, and Mall Perks™ signs) thrown from an unknown number of angry shoppers, its unclear whether or not Fogle will be charged with a homicide or manslaughter. The District Attorney’s office declined comment on the pending charges but worked to dispel rumors of responding paramedics being unable to resuscitate the Quiznos baby because his face was computer generated. A spokesman for the DA was quoted as saying “These rumors are absolutely false. The Fire Department and Rescue Squad are here to save lives no matter how annoying or obnoxious they may or may not be.”
Fogle was unrepentant upon being arrested. Yelling to onlookers as he was escorted out of the mall into an awaiting police Cruiser “Fuck that kid and his bullshit toasted bun! Quiznos is a poor mans Blimpie’s! I’ll see you all in hell!”
Mall manager Joe Parker made a brief statement to the press following Fogle’s dramatic exit “Anyone coming to Bradenton Mall tomorrow with a pair of over sized pants gets a free six inch Turkey Club on wheat. When they say “I wanna Eat Fresh™”
The dead Quiznos baby was then placed in a different bag and taken away.
There are so many typos in this article, it's scary.
"Poor man's Blimpies" is hilarious, though.
Cameron
Fake News
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 10:17:37 AM
I don't usually like the fake news pieces, but this was very good.
jim
Amanda was right.
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 1:47:11 PM
Yikes. I think I cleaned some of them up. I not good with the english much.
Joe Kickass
Funny Shit
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 1:47:13 PM
Fogle picture is awesome.
deuce
nice work fath
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 1:54:00 PM
the last line killed me...
those little mouse/hamster/gerbil things that use to do the quiznos spots creeped me out way less than the little man-child. glad he's gone.
Patrick
I think that baby's voice...
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 2:00:13 PM
...is the fat guy from Herman's Head. Can one of the other 7 people who watched that show verify this?
Patrick
Thanks Jim
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 2:31:26 PM
My girlfriend thinks those commercials are funny.
It makes me hate her a little.
Atlas
Ya
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 2:54:05 PM
I can sadly say I identified him as the chubby guy from Herman's Head also.
Ramble on Fath, I like your style.
Christine
Patrick
()
Post #: 9
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 3:52:08 PM
I actually watched that show religiously. I think it was funny and ahead of its time. Of course I was like 9 when it was on though so maybe I just laughed because my dad was laughing.
Good article Jim. I can't wait for the first douche to post the "i am so tired of the Jared Fogle articles. . . TPP sucks anymore, I don't even know why I come here.".
Jared Is A Cocksucker
Two Annoying Cocksuckers
()
Post #: 10
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 2/8/2006 4:24:36 PM
Jared & The Quizno's twerp, But Jared is the most ANNOYING cocksucker around, And masturbates to JACK FM, While his cock turns green.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
