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No Amount of Money is gonna cool this up!
Some time long ago when you last walked the hallowed hallways of your respective High Schools and Middle Schools you might have suffered the sting of ridicule, rejection, and blatant name calling. You might even have endured the horrible social stigma of being called a nerd. Perhaps it was well deserved. Perhaps it wasn't. Its a sad time for some people. Entering that horrible Nerdy Phase. Some people never grow out of it. Some people are even rich and famous despite the fact that they are still giant nerds.
In any event, for those of you former and current nerds out there, it's payback time. This week's Ultimate 11 we round up the Biggest Nerds out there. As always any opinion is subjective. Moreover yours is. Ours is definitive. These are the biggest nerds out there right now. End of story. But if you must you can comment on how we missed Carlton from the Fresh Prince, or Gilbert from Revenge of the Nerds. Seriously! Do it Poindexter!
Here's the list, Waldo!:
Bill Gates - "The Ultimate Computer Nerd"
Bill's an easy mark for this list. We could easily rattle off a bunch of quips about Windows Vista sucking ass but it goes much deeper than that. For one thing his wife's name is Melinda which sounds like he's married to a Dolphin at Sea World. In the 1970's, at the height of the sexual revolution, when even the homeliest of dudes were popping ludes and getting laid, Bill was busy working on his real passion... mainframe computers. And in 1998 he was almost killed by a pie to the face while in Belgium. Well not really but he was really scared. So in conclusion Dolphin wife, no sex in the 70's, and he's afraid of pies. NERD!
Peter Jackson - "The Fat Sweaty Nerd"
Aussies and New Zealanders are often portrayed as tough one dimensional beer drinkers who can kick your ass but here, Peter Jackson is the antithesis; a sloppy, fat, Mountain Dew drinker who can only kick your ass provided it's within Magic the Gathering or The World of War Craft. You have a Jackson in your neighborhood. He is that hefty, sweaty, unkempt slob that voluntarily loiters around your local comic book store 24x7 waiting for the latest issue of "Wizard" to come out. He not only knows every kind of magic armor in Dungeons and Dragons but also knows every kind of cheese topping offered at Dominos.
Tiger Woods - "The Rare Black Nerd"
There is nothing cool about Golf. Have you ever heard anyone say "Man that Tom Watson gets some CRAZY pussy!" or "Once Arnold Palmer choked a bitch for not suckin his dick right"? Nope. There is nothing cool about golf and there is certainly nothing cool about Tiger Woods. I don't care how many super models he bangs or how much money he's got. He's still just a nerd that drives a Buick Rainer. Just look at this picture and try and tell me he's not a nerd. On top up tucking in a shirt to his jeans, I'm betting he even "cuffed" the pant legs. Verdict: NERD! (A Stanford nerd at that)
Stephen Hawking - "The Lazy Nerd"
This guy won't even budge his vocal chords. Once he invented a machine to do everything for him he immediately stopped moving all together. The guy crafted himself a chair that does EVERYTING for him. It moves around, it speaks for him, I can only imagine that it wipes his ass for him too. And for some reason people love it. They can't get enough of it. He's been a guest on numerous TV shows, and writes many books. Well I take that back. His CHAIR writes all of his books for him. We don't know what he talks about on TV or what his books are all about we just know that he's one LAZY Nerd.
Clint Howard - "The Scary Quasi-Famous Nerd"
He could have gotten the nerd nod based on being brother to Opie alone but he is also teetering on the edge of looking like a "Renegade Pedophile". I'm not even sure what "Renegade Pedophile" means but look at him. You telling me he hasn't at least thought about touching a kid? He can thank nepotism for providing him with a career otherwise he'd probably be your garbage man. He'd probably save your spent tampons too. Look at that picture, you know we're right!
Tucker Carlson - "The Political Nerd" This guy is an easier mark than Gates. This republican know-it-all, blow hard gets off on wearing his trademark ridicule magnet bow tie. His TV presence lets us all know that his great capacity for mockery must have been forged in high School where we can only imagine the beatings were not only daily but also from members of the teaching staff. Will give him props though for sticking with it, most people that get beat up in high school usually end up as cops.
Quentin Tarantino - "The Movie Nerd"
Admittedly we both love his movies but whenever he is interviewed his smug self congratulatory attitude seems ill placed coming from the mouth of a wiry, balding, AV nerd. Add to that the legions of Super nerd wanna-be filmmakers who quote his movies ad-nausium and who dissect and over analyze every scene in Pulp Fiction like it's a dissertation on humanity. When all the hype around Tarintino finally clears we'll be there to knock the screenplays out of his hands in the hallway.
Ken Jennings - "The Trivia Nerd
Do you even need a reason? I'll take "Social Ineptitude" for $500 Alex.
Drew Carey and the cast of "Who's Line is it Anyway?" - "The Improv Nerds"
I remember what fun it was when I used to play pretend with my friends. It was when I was 7 years old but eventually I grew up. But these guys didn't and they're still singing and jumping around like fucking retards. And there in the center ring is Drew Carey. It has long been rumored and joked about that Drew Carey frequents the services of Hollywood prostitutes. How big a nerd do you have to be to live in Hollywood, have your own TV show and STILL rely on hookers for sex? Even Dustin Diamond hooks up a three way once in a while.
Chris Martin - "The Sensitive Singer-Songwriter Nerd"
You whine and croon with the tenacity of a bowl of soup. Plus you named your kid "Apple" and didn't name your son "Jack". We'll cut him some slack though as he probably has to sit through his wife's movies and pretend to enjoy them. "Oh yeah...Let's stay home tonight and watch "Duets" again". No one deserves that.
Eminem - "The Whigger Nerd"
"Aw man! Marshall isn't going to be a cool rap name. I need something tough. I know! How about a pun on a candy treat?" Eminem earns the coveted #11 spot on the list because somehow people think this prepubescent man/boy is tough when he's clearly a nerd/wimp. This dude writes songs about beating up on his wife and his "moms". Add to that that he picked a fight with Moby and a rubber puppet (Triumph the insult comic Dog) and you've got yourself a dork. You can't slant rhyme your way out of #11 Nerd!
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Ed Begly Jr. - "The Eco-Nerd"
This guy needs a solar Powered Ass kicking. He backed out of a Phat Phree interview so we'll deny him entry into our coveted ultimate 11 list. "Dear Ed, we're gonna kill a tree everyday until you give us that interview you owe us. Signed the Phat Phree."
Steve Jobs - "The Ultimate Alternative Computer Nerd"
Personally this guy's story is inspirational. He drops out of college, builds a computer in his garage and ends up helping lay the ground work to the computer world as we know it. That being said, the bottom line is if you build a computer in your garage, you're a nerd. Garages are for cars. He's didn't make the list because Jim hates macs.
Orel Hershiser - "The Sports Nerd"
Occasionally professional sports will let its guard down and let a giant weenie through its gates. People like Orel Hershiser are indeed an enigma. They have the ability to excel at sports yet appear as if they belong hanging from a field goal post by their tighty whiteys. Speaking of which, you can apply this directly to Peyton Manning.
Jim Rome - "The Sports Nerd" (Non athlete)
He's one of those guys that can spew stats and compare teams position by position, year by year, and sport by sport but can he throw a fucking spiral? How about swing a bat? We didn't think so. You got your big break by getting bitched slapped by a mediocre quarterback. Here's your Nerd Card.
Rick Moranis - "The Typecast Nerd"
Producer: "Ok for this movie we need a sort of geeky, nerdy, 4 foot tall wimp, who's an utter loser and has never... Ah fuck it. Lets just see if we can get Moranis and ask him to turn it down a bit."
Tori Amos - "The Lilith Fair Nerd"
Not only is this fiery haired loon that often talks about past lives and other hippie dippy bullshit a colossal nerd, she also has a fan base that couldn't get laid on desert Island with Charlie Sheen. She has even dubbed herself (no lie) "Queen of the nerds". To which we say "no shit".
George Lucas - "The Ultimate Sci-Fi Nerd
I'd like to personally give him three hasenpfeffers* and lock him in my high school locker for turning Darth fucking Vader into a preteen bitch with gay hair extensions. And for God's sake grow a neck beard already.
*Hasenpfeffer = a Regional term for the painful knuckle pinching of upper arm fat, usually on the back of the arm.
BONUS NERD AWARD The can't LIFT your way out of being a nerd award
The Nominee's: Jeff Goldblum Carrot Top Anthony Michael Hall Henry Rollins (He writes Poems)
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 3/15/2007 6:48:47 AM
Decent list, but I got to disagree with Jim Rome. I can definitely see how you and other people hate him, but he's probably as successful as he is because he's one of the few guys in his field that actually seems like he could get laid without paying for it. The non-athlete sports nerd is a good category, but you mean to tell me he's a bigger nerd than John Clayton, Skip Bayless, Woody Paige, Mike and the Mad Dog, Eric Karabell, Jay Mariotti, Tim Kjurkian, Dick Stockton, Jim Nantz, Joe Buck, Billy Packer, Verne Lundquist, etc.? I don't think so.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 3/15/2007 7:22:08 AM
losing it over the inclusion of orel hershiser... you know batters hated him because of his appearance and not that his fastball, curve, etc. were particularly spectacular, but you just *couldn't* hit him... im surprised somebody like canseco didn't roid out and charge the mound a few times..
gotta disagree on the statement, "there is nothing cool about golf" - may i present john daly. in his 15 plus years "on the tour" he has: 1. aimed his drives at spectators on pedestrian/ cart paths/ fairways 2. smoked in the tee box 3. gotten into fist fights 4. hit putts that were still moving like it's god damned street hockey, then just walked off the course. 5. drinks like we can only brag about 6. wont lift weights because the local gym wont let him smoke while he does it. the man is a fucking hero.
however, tiger's turtleneck in that photo may negate the previous 6 statements.
Posts: 31 Rank: 123 Joined:
11/14/2005
Location:
Savannah, GA
Posted: 3/15/2007 9:35:29 AM
In terms of sports nerds Dicky Vee and Walton merit consideration.
Dick Vitale - He loves the game, but it's just too much. He literally sings in the commentary booth, "Mr. Brendaaan Wriiight....What a diaper dandeeee.....What a windex man.....So smooth....So classeeeee...." It's fucking twisted.
Bill Walton - A better nerd-athlete than Hershiser. You can be a nerd pitched because pitching is so scientific. Really, all of baseball is, which is why Walton eeks out Tony Gwynn. Walton was an NBA MVP and played with chronically broken feet for nine years. He's been to 1,000 odd dead shows. He hid Patty Hearst in his basement. But, he never broke that nerd exterior, ever.
Rome SEEMS like he could get laid, but that's half the problem. It's the acting like a tough guy that takes him above the rest in nerdiness. To sit there and act the tough guy, calling someone a girl's name like it's clever. He's the friend at the bar who sits there saying "Yeah, I'd ride her all night long, yeah baby" then clams up when she actually comes over. Thats the nerdy bit.
However, nobody beats John Clayton as an actual, purebred nerd.
Posts: 831 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:20:46 AM
Rome, sir, is a douche bag. And you're right, he doesn't need to pay for it...because he's gay.
Deuce: you forgot to mention Daly's wife and in-laws conviction for running drugs and operating an illegal gambling ring! That being said, remove Daly from the equation and there is indeed NOTHING cool about golf...except for radar guided putters, bags outfitted w/ TVs and stereos, and groundskeepers "stoned to the bejeezus-belt.”
Someone needs to name their Nu-Metal group "Renegade Pedophile".
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:28:24 AM
Drew Carey is a good and decent man, and furthermore, a real man hires hookers not because he has to, BUT because he wants too! I can personally attest that nothing makes me feel better after a long night of underbelly, than to hock a loogie into Andrew Jackson's face, wad his ass up and toss him into a "working" mother's face and then order her out of my room the moment that room service arrives.
Wannabee baseball player-can't even act as well as scientology nancy boy-surprised that he hasn't been outed as a Key West kegel instructor. Yes, I'm talking about Kevin Costner.
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Bill Gates - "The Ultimate Computer Nerd"
Peter Jackson - "The Fat Sweaty Nerd"
Tiger Woods - "The Rare Black Nerd"
Stephen Hawking - "The Lazy Nerd"
Clint Howard - "The Scary Quasi-Famous Nerd"
Tucker Carlson - "The Political Nerd"
Quentin Tarantino - "The Movie Nerd"
Ken Jennings - "The Trivia Nerd
Drew Carey and the cast of "Who's Line is it Anyway?" - "The Improv Nerds"
Chris Martin - "The Sensitive Singer-Songwriter Nerd"
Eminem - "The Whigger Nerd"
Ed Begly Jr. - "The Eco-Nerd"
Steve Jobs - "The Ultimate Alternative Computer Nerd"
Orel Hershiser - "The Sports Nerd"
Jim Rome - "The Sports Nerd" (Non athlete)
Rick Moranis - "The Typecast Nerd" 
Tori Amos - "The Lilith Fair Nerd"
George Lucas - "The Ultimate Sci-Fi Nerd
