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This is where I make love.
My favorite place is where I keep the bodies. I can’t really tell you where it is, since it’s kind of a secret. I don’t know what it is, but it seems to get smaller and more crammed every year. But it’s still a great quiet place for me to read, work on my diaries, fold my clothes, and do a little cross dressing…I mean, cross stitching on the weekends. No one really values silence anymore…and where I keep the bodies is a great place to just get away from it all.
I find the monochromatic color scheme to be very therapeutic.
I’ve always been one for minimalism, and I’m really happy with the way I’ve furnished the place. Some call it Goth, but I think of it more as post-industrial modernism. Continuing the tour, you’ll find that past the 2-in-1 dining table/cutting board combo that my humble abode is very austere and lacking of a lot of the creative comforts. You might even say that it’s kinda got a Zen thing going on too. I was thinking about putting a little rock garden in next to the TV, but until the Johnson family leaves, I don’t think I’ll have enough room. They’re a nice family but I don’t think they’ll be leaving anytime soon.
I make sure to keep only the bare necessities in my room:
Aww. Isn't that just precious? A mother and her son. They love it here. They just won't leave!
Wood chipper, 50 gallon drum, shrink wrap, industrial zip-tie dispenser, a brand new autoclave that I’m pretty excited about, a giant vat, frozen burritos, hand moisturizer, leather clothing (for when I’m feeling a little frisky during the after-hours), and the first five seasons of MacGyver DVDs. I also have a rug that’s always damp, a bean bag chair that’s too small, and a black 15 inch Zenith television that gets about two channels on a good day. Other than that it’s just them.
In my austere surroundings coupled with the solitude, I find it ripe for the pursuit of some of my hobbies:
Taxidermy, upholstery, and macramé. I also indulge in certain culinary endeavors: given the right temperature, the place is ideal for canning seasonal items, like tourists. I like making jewelry out of cereal, like Fruit Loops necklaces and Cheerios anklets. I fancy myself as a bit of a saucier also. In addition to honing my Abasination skills, flaying technique, and my water-boarding etiquette, I’ve been keeping busy building my own Brazen Bull. The Bull has always been my favorite torture device, and I foresee many fun days with it as soon as I’m finished with it, petit social gatherings will never be the same again.
They taste great canned.
In most circumstances I’m not very sociable, but I’m the life of the party there.
It’s a place where I feel really comfortable and I have everything I need, and it’s a great place for me to pursue my hobbies. A lot of people find my favorite place a little uncomfortable at first, but once they get to know me, they find it to be a very hard place to leave. I just can’t get them out of there.
So I invite you all to my favorite place, I’m sure you’ll find it to be pretty hard to leave, whether it be the complimentary Hawaiian Punch or the rigor mortis.
About as graphic as you can get without really pissing people off.
Thumbs up.
Kotter
Well done
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Posted: 11/7/2006 9:57:07 AM
But not the man-steaks, that is.
Just graphic enought to make it good without pissing too many people off.
J-Dub is a dip.
Eugene
This was terrible
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Posted: 11/7/2006 10:26:55 AM
One of the worst articles I have ever read.
Grade: D-
Christine
This is how I know I'm better than Eugene
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Posted: 11/7/2006 10:56:20 AM
This article was impeccable. Sick, twisted, and hilarious. Ryan, you are a truly gifted writer and the fact that you were given a D- by Eugene, only demonstrates just how good you are.
2nd pic caption:
"Remember, you promised me twenty bucks for this photo Eugene"
"Shut up and smile!"
Howard
My homepage
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Posted: 11/7/2006 1:50:10 PM
Nice site! My homepage | Please visit
Tito
fuck you
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Posted: 11/7/2006 4:54:35 PM
this was awful...you are a sick fuck
bobathan
congrats
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Posted: 11/7/2006 6:40:29 PM
This article just goes to show you that TPP is not only entertaining but informative. I had to google "abasination" and "brazen bull". Going out in a brazen bull would really suck a big bag of dicks, man. Good show. Capital, even.
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