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Spinal Tap on a taurine overload
Note: I noticed that on July 20, 2006, the header on The Phat Phree said “Poison Was a Boy Band.” Seriously dude, that’s fucking bullshit.
I’m sorry, I feel horrible about this, but I have to make a confession: I fucking love glam metal.
Since you guys are all idiots, I know what you must be thinking: “Oh, Ryan is such a queer because he likes glam-metal. You’re gay! Ha ha ha!” Well then, what kind of music do you like? James Blunt? Black Eyed Peas? Creed back when they were underground? I know you’re feeling kind of nervous right now because I just rocked your world. You'd better put some rubber bands around your socks, because this confession is gonna knock them off.
I want you to consider some things. I’m going to lay it down for you. If you hate glam metal so much, go home and throw away every bottle of alcohol you have, because glam metal invented drinking. I want you to dispose of every can of hairspray and every pair of spandex pants because glam metal invented those things too. Collect all your makeup and burn it, because every time you throw on some blush, you are only ripping off Motley Crue. After you do all that, I want you to cut off your balls, or if you’re a woman, cut off your vagina, because glam metal invented sex too. If it wasn’t for glam metal, we’d still be asexual beings. How do you like glam metal now, asshole? I bet you’re crying right now because I just bit you in the face. I just took a big chunk out of your face with my glam-teeth of glory.
You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?
No? Well consider this fact: while you were reading this, glam metal just fucked your mom.
Glam metal isn’t a type of music that you can just passively listen to; it is the type of music that spurs action in your loins. It’s the kind of music that you live. Vikings were known to be big fans of RATT. I’ve seen old pictures of samurai wearing Skid Row T-shirts. If Marquis De Sade lived in the 80’s, he would have totally been the drummer for Poison.
Glam metal should mark every major moment in you’re life. With that said, I would like to share with you the top five most glam metal moments in my life.
ALL GLAMMED OUT: THE TOP FIVE MOST GLAM METAL MOMENTS IN LIFE
Getting an STD: I have every STD in the book. You name it, I got it. One time, I got syphilis just from listening to Dokken non-stop for three days. The doctor once told me that if I keep living this glam lifestyle, I could die soon, to which I replied, “Fuck you man! Cum on feel the noise, bitch!”
Choice Lyric: Quiet Riot’s “Cum on feel the noise”: “We'll get wild, wild, wild! Wild, wild, wild!”
Doing cocaine off big boobs, your steering wheel, or other unconventional surfaces: Doing coke off of a mirrored surface with a dollar bill is so dull. The last time I did coke, I waded through the bogs of Florida and did coke off the back of an alligator. The alligator was all “yo nigga what you doin’?” I was pretty toasted, and I said to him, “dude I’m so fucking high…don’t touch me, I have a glock.” And then "Youth Gone Wild" began playing out of nowhere, the alligator threw on some 80’s sport sunglasses, and we air-guitared the bitch with the wind in our hair.
Choice Lyric: Skid Row’s “Youth gone wild”: “I never played by the rules [and I] I never really cared.”
He just ate my balls.
Going to an 80’s high school prom and rocking the shit out of it: The mere thought of this gives me goose bumps. It’s just so fucking rad I can’t take it. You all know how it goes: the badass black sheep of the school walks into the gay-ass prom, bumping into people along the way. All the jocks make fun of him, but he doesn’t even care because tonight, the metal apocalypse will rain upon them. Emotionless, he grabs a blonde girl with flowers in her hair by the face and drowns her in the punch bowl. The band stops playing. The crowd is silent. The guy now cuts the blond girl open with a bear claw and pulls out a Gibson Flying V!! Holy shit! He then jumps on stage and it turns out that the prom band was actually a glam metal band in disguise. With their makeup and hairspray in perfect synchronization, the band erupts into the most orgasmic song ever to be played in the history of the universe.
Prom goers die one by one as the band shoots lasers from their guitars.
Choice Lyric: Fastway’s “Trick or Treat”: “Knock, knock, knockin' for a sweet surprise/it’s a trick or treat.”
Being in a vampire motorcycle gang: What do you get when you combine vampires and motorcycle gang camaraderie? A load of cock-rock in your mouth, that’s what. I was never in a vampire motorcycle gang, but my friend James was. It was kind of annoying, because every time I’d see him he’d always be talking about his gang. They were called The Death Riders from Hell, and their claim to fame was that they invented darkness, which is pretty badass, if you ask me. I hung out with them once and man, those guys are intense. The second they realized that I was a mortal, one of the gang members, “Urine Bitch,” opened up his jacket to reveal two speakers which began to play Scorpions' songs. They all began to breathe heavily, and by the time the first chorus hit, they were vampire-gangbanging me with no remorse. I would normally get mad at such an event, but you’ve gotta appreciate the novelty of a situation like that.
Choice Lyric: Scorpions’ “Bad boys Running Wild” (the song they raped me to): “Bad boys running wild/if you don't play along with their games/bad boys running wild/and you better get out of their way.”
Getting a hummer in the backseat of your car: This is a true story that happened to me last week: At around three a.m. early Friday morning, I found myself in the middle of a church parking lot getting some dome-time in from a woman fourteen years older than I am. Right when I was about to Abacinate her with my acid jizzum of glory, guess what came on the radio? FUCKING “EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN.” It was such a magnificent moment, and it was as glam as glam could be. First of all, we’re in a church parking lot. Second, this lady was old enough to be my aunt. And third, she swallowed. After the song came on, all I could think about was Brett Michaels, and I think that’s what brought me to an orgasm in the first place.
Choice Lyric: Poison’s “Every rose has its thorn”: “I listen to our favorite song playing on the radio.”
You see, glam metal is essential to living a kick-ass existence. It is the music of the gods. I hear Jesus played in a glam band called The Crucifixioners. Zeus played lead guitar for Stryper when they first came out. Hell, Sai Baba was in a glam band called Prasanthi Nilayam that never really made it big for some reason.
This is how they write such badass music.
THIS HAS BEEN MY CONFESSION
So I like glam metal and you’re a douche if you don’t. Hey, it’s not my problem your life sucks. Put some glam in your life, seriously. I know that I am going to face persecution for my confession, but so did all the glam gods before me: Jesus, Sai Baba, Zeus, Pythagoras, and Kafka.
Glam-rockers cannot be troubled by thoughts of crucifixion and death. Glam rockers never die! We don’t need nothin’ but a good time, we rock like a hurricane to kick start our hearts. We bring the big guns and roll down Gypsy road on our horses made of steel. We’re not gonna take it, bitch!
Best obscure song by the whole freakin' genre - "Tower" by Angel - I still sing it in the shower ( as I'm humpin' my old lady, of course ! ) !
MisterOrange
Sweet, sweet memories...
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Posted: 7/24/2006 9:03:38 AM
Twisted Sister, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Guns and Roses, poppers, warm flat beer and rock cocaine. Man, those were the days.
WESquared
Dee Snider
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Posted: 7/24/2006 9:23:08 AM
When I saw that picture of "Twisted Sister's" Dee Snider, I first thought, "Wow, was Sarah Jessica Parker in a glam metal band?"
goatlover
"cut off your vagina"
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Posted: 7/24/2006 12:45:08 PM
with Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, and Nikki fucking Sixx, Motley Crue must be the biggest buch of Hair Band fuck-ups of all time. Fuck you Tommy Lee for funking up Pamela Anderson’s husband hole! ASSHOLE!
also, the music groups you are quoting and writing about are not glam rock bands. the term "Glam rock" or Glitter rock was used to describe a mostly a British phenomenon popularized in the early 1970s and it was at its peak between the years of 1971 and 1973. you started out ok referring to this type of terrible music as “Glam Metal” and that works. don’t get me wrong, I think it’s all shit, but I also believe it is important to be able to identify the different types of shit correctly.
good job
JP
Great
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Posted: 7/24/2006 2:27:54 PM
Ryan, you continue to knock it out of the park. Too bad it's on what is apparently the slowest day in the history of the site. Glam on.
Burt Thaxton
Glam Rock Forever
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Posted: 7/24/2006 2:33:32 PM
This article was fucking great. It reminds me of the tour Burt Thaxton Overdirve did in 1988 with L.A. Guns. Nobody was more fucking badass than Tracii Guns. Between all the skanks and booze on that tour, Tracii Guns's awesomeness is the only thing that stands out.
Burt Thaxton
Milton
GREAT!!
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Posted: 7/24/2006 4:20:21 PM
That was one of the best-written pieces I've read in a loong time!!!
Well fucking done!
I've had Every Rose has it's thorn in my head all day and was about to slam my head into a door. Then I read this and I have Dee Snyders mug to replace it.
I'm so fucked.
Whats with the slow day? Musta been some good partying this weekend.
goatlover
Where are all the posts
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Posted: 7/24/2006 5:04:22 PM
It seeems that all TPP commentators are slacking today.
DLamp
Steel Dragon
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Posted: 7/24/2006 5:09:12 PM
First of all, greatest band name every.
Second of all, how did the guy on the far left get into that band? I mean, everyone else makes sense. The guy in the front is the lead singer, and also invented the band's hand signal, the guy immediately to his right is a guitarist, and can shred. The guy on the far right plays bass, and is clearly the enforcer, and need I talk about the "quirky" drummer in the back? But the guy on the far left just doesn't fit in.
d
steel dragon
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Posted: 7/24/2006 5:29:53 PM
Just so you'll know, the guitarist that can shred is Zakk Wylde. If you dont know who he is you need to step back, take a look at yourself and figure out where the fuck youve went wrong in life.
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